Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

As far as the school thing goes, my sons are in the 10th and 7th grades. Their friends, their friends' parents, and the teachers and administrators all know, because we have included our partners in all the school functions, as they are part of the children's lives, and no one seems to have a problem with it. CPS has never been called. People don't leave when we come around. On the contrary, they come up to us and carry on conversations. because they see the love we and our loves have for the children. And since both of my sons are A-B honor roll kids and involved in EVERYTHING that happens at school, they can see that what I do behind closed doors does not effect them negatively.

The kids seem to get along with us better then most of the other adults. I think that is because they can be honest with us and they know we won't judge them. As a matter of fact, some of my eldest son's friends will come to me with problems (the ones of a sexual nature) that they don't feel comfortable going to their own parents about, because we aren't sooooo uptight! I'm one of the cool parents! :D:p
 
Our sons and my other love's daughter are all off to college and know nothing, other than we are all dear friends who've spent 20 years doing things together. Surely they know we all share some kind of deep friendship/love together, but don't know the actual details or living arrangements we share intimately. I know that at least 2 of the 3 (who are more eclectic) will take it well, knowing that their parents are in love and living well with each other. The third one is probably a little more conservative and will initially probably not know how to handle it. He may view my other love as a threat to his mom, but I don't think it would last for long. I know the secrecy wears on my wife, as she worries that we may screw up our kids' lives forever. They are all adults now, and probably not nearly as shocked by alt lifestyles as my wife is. I'm sure they'll be ok and our fears unfounded. Having said that, we'll probably wait another year or two, if we can to ease them into the idea. Don't know if this helps anyone else out there.
 
Indref said:
Please let me know how that pans out!
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We had orientation tonight, and I attended with my other partners and their children. (My husband works nights so he couldn't attend.) When they were asked who they were by my daughter's teacher, they introduced themselves as family. No other questions were asked. We'll see how it progresses. We all met all of the children's teachers, and walked to each of their classrooms, and let each of the teachers know that any one of us might be picking up the kids. (Even though we live in different houses, this school is a Montessori program and we all applied to it.)

redpepper said:
What made you decide to send them to public school?
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Actually, it was a combination of many different factors. My other partners' daughter has attended the Montessori program for two years, and she loves it. My daughter has begged to go to school for some time. I thought the Montessori program would be closer to what we've been doing at home than a regular school.

My oldest, who is 15, is attending a public high school this year, and I felt that it wouldn't be fair to send him, but tell my daughter that she couldn't go. Last but not least, our finances are such that I might have to get a job, and this was better than trying to fit an education into my spare moments.

I wanted to add, our kids are 4, 8, 10, and 15. We are a quad of married couples. It's been hard on the 15 yo because we were monogamous until earlier this year. At no point have I ever felt it appropriate to discuss our sex lives with our kids. I have flat out told the 15 yo that it was none of his business. But we have worked very hard to reassure the 15 yo that we are in a committed relationship, that his father and I love each other and do wish to continue our relationship with each other, and that the other couple love him and want his happiness just as much as we do. I stressed that he now has two extra people to go to if he needs someone to talk to, and that those other two people might have a different perspective than his parents. It's taken him a while, but I think he's starting to adjust. We stress to the kids that we are a family.

When we are all in the same house, the adults sleep in the same bed. The younger kids all seem to accept this, and it doesn't bother them in the least. We are not overly affectionate with each other in public. I know that the 8 yo recently told her grandparents something, because the grandmother reacted oddly and made a comment about our sleeping arrangements. However, that's as far as it went. It really isn't a topic that comes up often in normal conversation.

Even though we've just started school, we've been in the homeschool co-op together for years and none of our kids have made any comments at the co-op that have raised any eyebrows.
 
Family

How do people deal with family members who notice you spend an unusual amount of time with an additonal person outside of your marriage and almost feel jealous and a bit confused with the situation?
 
pokey said:
How do people deal with family members who notice you spend an unusual amount of time with an additional person outside of your marriage and almost feel jealous and a bit confused with the situation?
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Why would "they" feel jealous? I can see confused, but I'm not getting the jealousy part, unless "they" wanted to have that kind of relationship with the person/family.
 
I guess they feel like I spend less time with them, and feel that I am probably more distant towards them than I was in the past, because I feel like they might figure it out.
 
Pokey, I really think that, unless you want your family members to know that you're polyamorous, you should just act as if you other partner is a really good friend. If you act as if you have a secret, they'll know something is up. You know what I mean? But it's not unusual to have a close friend of either sex that you spend a lot of time with. Keep in mind that you don't have to talk about your sex life, and it's none of your family member's business. There's no need to cut your family out of your life, and doing so will probably make them MORE suspicious.
 
Redpepper's son has expressed some jealousy over how much "date time" I get with his mom. Not because of my time with her, but because of her time with me! I took Monday off so her son and I could have a full day together, and he seems quite happy with this. I also told him I need more time with his dad, too. It's nice to be so popular with the chosen family you love. :D
 
pokey said:
How do people deal with family members who notice you spend an unusual amount of time with an additonal person outside of your marriage and almost feel jealous and a bit confused with the situation?
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Are you sure it's not envy of which you speak?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy

"Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. Jealousy differs from envy in that jealousy is about something one has and is afraid of losing, while envy refers to something one does not have and either wants to acquire or to prevent another from acquiring."

I have this same question, especially as a mother!

My thing is with others being possibly envious of what I have as I am so happy and fulfilled. They don't understand how much work it has taken to get here and that they too can create whatever works for them.

I'd love to know how to deal with the outside world on this one, perhaps not on this thread, though. I will start another.
 
Just a small update on the topic of poly with kids. This is an older thread, but as I've written on here before, I thought this would be as good a place as any to write.

The major concerns my extended family have had about my poly nature and the existence of my other primary in my life is that of how it affects my son. They are worried about my relationship with my husband, too, but my son is the big concern.

They thought I wasn't spending enough time with him, that it would be weird for him and that he would be confused as to who his father is. There is the added pressure of what would happen when people at his school found out, or others on our street.

I am concerned, too. I have never had this relationship style be viewed by anyone but the people involved before, and I am flying by the seat of my pants with it. I figure the best thing I can do is keep my communication going with my son, give him as much time with me as I can, and wait for his questions, statements and viewpoints to reveal themselves.

Today I awoke to the sounds of my boy stirring in his room and calling for me. When I went in, I reminded him that Mono had looked after him the night before and that he was still here and would look after him while his Daddy and I slept a bit longer. I stayed with him while he used the toilet and dressed and chatted with him as he got ready. Out of the blue he asked me, "Is Mono's bed comfortable (of course his name isn't really that, but you get the idea)?" I told him he would have to ask him, as I didn't know if it was. He replied that I must know because I go there and sleep in it with him. I answered that I do actually do that and that I thought he meant the couch bed he had slept in all night. He said, "No, you go there when I am asleep sometimes to sleep in his bed." I said I do and that it is indeed comfortable. He laughed and just said, "Oh" in a shy kind of "I'm not sure I should be asking those questions way," and ran off yelling out, "Mono, I'm ready for our date now!" (He calls it a date because he once complained that we both get dates with Mono and he doesn't.) I went back to bed full of thoughts.

He obviously knows more than I realized. It made me realize also that hiding our love for one another hasn't worked, even though we have done our best to hide it. In fact, I wonder if it caused his shyness around asking his question. I don't know. Was the shyness out of a feeling of loss in some way, or an observation, or just that he wasn't sure he was allowed to talk about it? Maybe I should sit him down and have a heart to heart? He knows I love Mono, but I love a lot of people, and say so.

I feel as if I have to tread very slowly here, but perhaps not as slowly as I originally thought.
 
It might be ok if you just said "I love Mono the same way I love your father, but it doesn't affect the way I love you. I love you the MOST."

My mother always told me that, and she was seeing a married man for 14 years (it was an "affair" his wife "knew" about, but it wasn't "poly").

But some mothers get all up into explaining how "There are different kinds of love, etc. etc." Kids that age, or any age really, don't need to process all that. They just need to feel secure that their world isn't going to come crashing down around them. Just tell your son that whatever happens, you (and his father) love HIM the MOST. It's probably true anyway.
 
Thanks, Ygirl! That is a very good point. I think I will tell him just that.

He knows I love him the most, as I say it all the time, but I have never said it in the context of Mono. Great idea! :)
 
redpepper said:
Thanks ygirl! That is a very good point. I think I will tell him just that.

He knows I love him most as I say it all the time but I have never said it in the context of mono. Great idea! :)
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My mother would be glad that this advice was useful to someone, since I'm not having kids myself.
 
Nadine said:
I'm concerned mostly about children in a poly family. With the social stigmas, I'm really feeling like this is something I need to hide from my kids and family, but I don't want to. Anyone been there, have any stories, advice, or whatever?
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My daughter was 11 when her mother and I began dating again. She had already been told that my wife and I were poly, though I'm not certain she fully understood. When I began dating her mother while still married, though, I doubt she could mistake the meaning. She never asked for any details; she just knew that I was married to her step-mom and dating her mother at the same time.

My son hasn't ever had any trouble with relationships of any sort. My ex-wife's family provided him with a gay uncle and a lesbian aunt (and their partners) and I've discussed my relationships with him on occasion. He's 20 now, though his disabilities mean he's very much 12 in so many ways.

I suspect teenagers would have more problems with poly than younger children.
 
Children and polyamory

My husband and I are actively trying to have a child. Our girlfriend is older than both of us and has an 18-year old son. When we talk about us having a baby she has very definite opinions about how a child should be raised and cared for. It's beginning to make me worried that she'll try to take a much more active role in the rearing of the child than I'm comfortable with. I mentioned my fears to my husband, but probably not at the best time, as we were both tired and about to go to sleep. So he probably doesn't remember the conversation. I plan to take a Child Development class at the local community college soon to be a good well-informed parent. I guess I'm just concerned she'll make me feel like I know nothing and should do everything her way. Sometimes I feel like we are both trying to be the first wife, instead of equal partners.
 
You all need to accept that YOU ARE the "first wife". it is what it is. There was a conversation about this in another thread. About not forcing "equality". If you are trying so hard to "be equal" there is obvious something that just "is" NOT EQUAL, and rather than fighting it, you's should be exploring it. If you deny the UN-EQUALNESS now, you might never end up at a place where you "are equal".

having said that - if you have a kid with your husband, you will not only be "first wife" but you will be "parents". You and he will have a whole new level of relationship between you, in essence a "triad" with the new baby. Why should this GF be able to dictate to you how you raise your own kid? Why can't you put your foot down when it comes to that?

Are you sure you want these things in your life? Or are you going along with some or all of it to keep your husband happy?

I can't even bring myself to say much more because I can't find words to describe it, and who am I to tell you what to do with yourself. All I know is, I would not bring an innocent person (a baby) who has no say in matters, into a situation with so many loose ends.
 
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There's a great thread on here about children and polyamory, but not one that specifically addresses what you're asking.

I have one child with my husband, and another on the way. We had a gf who was a friend of the family for years (before we had the first child) whom I actually found very helpful and enlightening in her perspectives. But, while she was engaged in his life, and happy to offer advice, and he loved her dearly, she did NOT overstep her bounds and essentially tell us how to raise him. She took on an "aunt" role to him, rather than third parent, and it was a role we were ALL comfortable with. Should we ever form another poly relationship, I'd want it to be with someone involved with the children, as my family IS my life, and inviting someone into my life and love means inviting them into my family.

It's really up to you and your husband to decide how much influence she should have in this situation. It's also up to her to decide how comfortable she is with your ultimate decision.
Will she be a second mother, with all the adult privileges and responsibilities that go with that?
Will she take on a role of "aunt," or other loving and nurturing adult, but be expected to abide by the parenting standards you set down?
Do you value her experience as a mother and have interest in her views, but maintain a "take it or leave it" approach?
Is she expected to butt out completely when it comes to your child?

If you're bringing a baby into this world, and this lifestyle, these are things that need to be discussed between ALL of you BEFORE that baby is born. You also need to understand that, at least for awhile, this is going to create plenty of INEQUALITY as you redefine boundaries and needs, and she may have different expectations about the raising of this child than you do. Your husband may even have different expectations. Even in mono couples, parents often have at least a few strong opinions that differ on how children should be raised. These require communication, negotiation and compromise as it is, without throwing more opinions into the pot.

If you feel you have an equal relationship and want to keep it that way (in all areas except for the raising of the child), then you need to have a discussion between the three of you about your fears, hopes, desires, and expectations. You may find she's happy to step aside in this case. You may find your husband does or does not share your fears. Or she may not be able to handle the new unequal feel of the dynamic with you two being parents, while she is not involved in that aspect. The point is, anything can happen. But, without first knowing everyone's feelings on it, all you can do is worry and guess. It isn't fair to bring a child into a relationship (of any dynamic) without being prepared for handling the needs of that child. Good luck.
 
It is right and good for people to have definite opinions about all kinds of things, including the rearing of children, and to freely express themselves, especially with the people they love. It is also right and good for people to respect the rights and boundaries of others, especially others they love.

Approaching the situation with love and respect for all concerned, discuss your worries with your loves. Know what your boundaries are, and express them. Ask for what you need. Give them a chance to love, respect and support you in this area of your lives. You may find they are each glad for the opportunity.
 
From the way you're talking, it's sounding to me like the relationship you have with your girlfriend is a lot more casual? If the relationship with her is not at a level where it would be considered a life partnership, then I wouldn't think she should have that much say in how you raise your child.

You really should have a conversation about your relationship and how you're feeling. You mention being equal partners, so maybe she's feeling like having a baby is something you are all doing together, rather than how you're feeling about it-- that it's something you and your husband exclusively are doing?
 
Thank you all for your advice and opinions. I was very tired when I wrote that, and I know I left out a lot that might clarify things. I also phrased things a bit weirdly, which made sense to my sleep-deprived mind, but probably not much to anyone who read it without the other facts. I think I was mostly just airing some fears about bringing a baby into this world, and how and who would be raising it. I was really wondering if anyone had had any good or bad experiences with being poly and having children.

Thank you, XYZ123 for sharing your story.

Also, even though we are trying, I might not ever be able to conceive, and that is a whole other issue that I don't feel strong enough to face right now.
 
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