Children and Sexy visitors

A

Almea

New member
Hi, recently my two partners and I all moved in together. We also have 2 pre teen/teenage children that are living with us. We are in an open/poly relationship and have sexy visitors on occasion and other partners outside our triad.

We have been having some trouble getting on the same page with what we want the kids exposed to. One of us wants to limit who the kids meet and another feels like that is closeting our sexuality and I was wondering how other people dealt with kids and lovers.

To be clear, in either of the ways, the kids are safe and uninvolved in the sex aspect of this. Its mostly about if sexy visitors come before or after the kids bedtime.

I would really appreciate anyone's insights or experiences with this situation.

Thank you!
 
Why would it be a huge deal if they waited until your kids aren't around? How is that repressing your sexuality if the kids aren't going to be part of the sex stuff anyway?

If people are friends of the family, sure have them round when the kids are there. If they aren't, don't. Value relationships that aren't entwined in your family life as much as those that are.
 
It's more the idea that if they only come after the kids go to bed, it seems like they are a secret and that leads a to feeling closeted rather than open about sex and less sex positive.

Thanks for the thoughts on it!
 
My preteens and teenagers went to bed long after I did. Kids that age tend to stay up late, even if they are in bed. This is a scientific fact, and some schools are finally realizing teenagers do better in school on a later schedule.

So, there's a good chance your teens will be well aware if you are hosting lots of people for wild group sex after they are in bed. Are you that sex positive that you're good with your teens knowing their authority figures host group sex parties on a regular basis while they are in the house?

Are your teenagers sexually active and if so, practicing safer sex?

Being sex positive is one thing. But most kids don't want their parents' sex life right in their face, so to speak. Maybe you have completely different wings in your house for the teens and for yourselves.
 
Personally I think it can be a mistake to confuse sex positivity with oversharing with your children. It's perfectly possible to embrace same sex relationships without being in one, for example. You can speak about all the facets of poly such as respect, autonomy and transparency without having to actually show your children how you juggle multiple partners.
 
The kids thankfully have a bed time routine still where its quiet time/in their room time after 8 or 9. Granted Im sure that is on the cusp of changing since 12 en 14 year olds shouldn't be sent to bed that early anymore. And of course they know people come over sometimes and before we all moved in together the bio parent of the children was very cautious with this. So now that we are all together we are figuring out what the new norms and expectations are.

And in terms of the other comments, that's partially where the disagreement is coming in. One party thinks that we should mostly keep it to partners/family friends in the house when the kids are up and about and the other thinks that it should be fine to host the more temporary sexual lovers as well during their waking hours (not for sex at that time, but for the social part before the sex).

Its just a tricky situation that touches on everyone's different moral stand on that too, one partner is more traditional in their views of sex (they have clearer lines/boundaries between who is a partner vs a sexy visitor) and the other more 'slutty' (friends and lovers kind of blend together for them) . One guess who wants the sexy visitors to be more separate from the kids. ;)

Im appreciating all the comments and thoughts! We don't have many people around who are poly\open with families so its all uncharted waters here.
 
My parents liked to throw parties, which did not precede group sex. But I know, as a child and as a teenager, I might get up and go listen and check out the action from time to time, whether to actually spy, or just noticing what was going on and being talked about, when I left my room to go to the bathroom.

Kids do tend to accept whatever their parents do as normal. But they do pick up on more than we think they do. With the Internet and just by talking to their friends, 12-14 year olds can be very sex savvy. They will know, whether your casual visitors come over before their bedtime or not, that their dad and step parents are hosting orgies. And they will tell their friends this, in school, in real time, or all over the Internet.

Some of this information might well be passed to the parents of their friends. Some parents of their friends might not want their children to go hang out at a home where frequent orgies are going on.

I am always on the side of the children. We can't protect them from everything, of course. But if your sex life is very active, I think you should speak frankly about safe sex to your kids, focusing on respect of oneself and one's sex partners, etc.

You don't want your teens to be unsafe, to get in over their heads, catch something, be abused, or get pregnant. Again, are your 12 and 14 year old sexually active? Your practices might inspire them to be more active than you might wish, at their young ages.
 
I would defer to the parent's decision. The kids home should be a safe space. They've already had to adjust to having new adults move in, no need to force more changes/upheaval on them until they've had time to adjust to the new living arrangements. I also would be very hesitant to have casual partners spend the night in the home unless you've known them awhile (divorce care classes recommend 6 months or longer.)

It's not about hiding relationships.... you can have social gatherings like dinners, game nights, e.t.c and show (pg version) affection to those partners. But this is the kids' home. They shouldn't have to worry about who will be there when they wake up in the morning, imo.

ETA: my kids were similar ages when I divorced their father. Teen years are rough enough without throwing in too many changes at once, imo. I didn't host casual partners at my home while my teens were home. I realize that may be more cautious than many but honestly, those years flew by fast. My kids are all grown now and I can do whatever I want in my home. It was a temporary sacrifice. (This all assumes the kids aren't already use to spending time with casual partners. If they are, then no need to change things now. )
 
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Hello Almea,

I suppose I'll vote for waiting until the kids are in bed, kind of a, err on the side of conservative, type of a thing. Then as they get older, and their bedtimes start to be later, you could let them be up to meet your sexy visitors, if they want to. It's not that you're setting a sex-negative example, it's just that you're being discreet about things they may not yet be ready to see. Do they already know that you do have sexy times outside of you and your two live-in partners? It's not like you're hiding things from them, if you're willing to frankly, directly, and honestly answer their questions.

Usually the thing that kids struggle with in open/poly is if they get to know and love a particular adult, and then, that adult vanishes from their lives. So if you are regularly taking on new partners, and then breaking up with them, that might be hard on the kids. If it's more of a ONS type of a thing, then it's not like the kids are going to get emotionally invested in the first place.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Why not just present them as friends rather than "sexy visitors"? I'm just not seeing the problem.

Surely you aren't having sex in front of the kids, so what is the harm in them meeting someone who is a friend? They don't need to know what else you're doing, and that isn't sex negative either. It's simply privacy.
 
The kids are not sexually active and one of the concerns brought up is that this may encourage an earlier start.

And the people are introduced as friends, but the worry of the one parten is that the more... Temporary ... 'friends' offer more risk in terms of safety, modeling more casual sex (the kids aren't dumb, they can tell how people are looking at acting to each other, even if it's subtle), and bringing more transient people in their life rather than more consists t ones.

But the other feels like it is more like meeting a random person on the street, or a distant relative or meeting a person at a birthday party of a family friend. And te hat to be sex positive casual sex shouldn't be shamed or the person treated like a dirty secret.


Again, all these thoughts are appreciated and is really helping us with this conversation.
 
I'd agree that the vibe between you and casual sex partners could be different and more sex-charged than with other visitors.

I think it is respectful of the 12 and 14 year old to keep their home environment feeling safe and comfortable for them. Whatever that means for them.

I think while they are awake, I'd only have people who are able to hang out in a platonic, family way. I don't think it would bother me so much if they were a casual sex partner or not, but I think if there's a pre-sex vibe and they were just watching the clock waiting for the kids to be gone, that could be an uncomfortable dynamic. Whereas if they are a visitor who is sensitive that before 9pm (or whenever) is family time, and they are able to interact respectfully with everyone in the house, that could be ok.

It's not about "dirty secrets" in my opinion, it's about agency, consent and comfort for the children / young people involved. Home should be a safe place to be themselves and develop at their own pace.

You don't have sex in front of them... That's not because sex is a dirty secret. It's because of those other factors, right?
 
Almea said:
The kids are not sexually active and one of the concerns brought up is that this may encourage an earlier start.

And the people are introduced as friends, but the worry of the one parten is that the more... Temporary ... 'friends' offer more risk in terms of safety, modeling more casual sex (the kids aren't dumb, they can tell how people are looking at acting to each other, even if it's subtle), and bringing more transient people in their life rather than more consists t ones.

But the other feels like it is more like meeting a random person on the street, or a distant relative or meeting a person at a birthday party of a family friend. And te hat to be sex positive casual sex shouldn't be shamed or the person treated like a dirty secret.


Again, all these thoughts are appreciated and is really helping us with this conversation.
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I don't get it. If people can't contain themselves, then maybe those people shouldn't be around children. I mean, that just seems to be inappropriate behaviour, period.

Just because people are sexually attracted to each other and into casual sex, doesn't mean that it's ALWAYS okay for them to demonstrate that! Would they behave in that manner in church? In front of grandparents? At work? etc. We can obviously choose to moderate our behaviour so it's appropriate if that's important.

So I wouldn't have anyone around children who was incapable of or wasn't willing to behave like a friend.

The sex positivity has nothing to do with it. I don't really understand why it's even part of the conversation. Your sex life is not your children's business, regardless of sex positivity. Sex positivity doesn't have to mean that everyone knows.
 
Disclaimer: I'm not a parent, this is an opinion.

Consider that perhaps the "kids" are old enough to have a say. 14 years old was considered an adult in some cultures. I'm not saying go discuss how much they want to know about your sex, but you can very safely ask them
- Do they like person so-so?
- How do they feel if you have people they don't know over for dinner? If you want to invite someone on Thursday, would they prefer to meet them, or should you wait after bedtime?
- What do they think about your lifestyle/the recent changes? (Since you live together, I assume they also know you love each other.)
- Do they talk about your extended family with peers? If so, how?
I just think their view matters as much as the view of the adults involved.

Also, not sure about the legalities in your country, in mine, it's allowed to have sex with a 15 years old. So 14 is a great time for "how to choose partners, keep boundaries and enjoy yourself" education. So maybe an open talk about how you do it is not out of question.

Also, think ahead about the rules you want to set about them bringing sex partners home. The example you set now matters.

Still, the attitude of the biological parent is crucial. You may try to get across your point, but she (?) must be comfortable with whatever is going on with her kids.
 
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Are you just having dates over, or are you having like sex parties in the living room? If it's the former, then I don't see the big deal, since you will go to the bedroom and close the door to have sex, right? If it's the latter, then you should only do it when the kids are elsewhere, such as at the grandparents or summer camp, or simply wait until they're older and you can say "look, we're having an adult party and you're not invited. Stay out of the basement for the next 4 hours."

I mean, this is such a no-brainer, I'm wondering if this is a troll post.
 
Our kiddo is only 4, but she is VERY vocal about who she does and does not want in her space. I would say invite people over for a platonic only, short visit the first time to make sure kids feel safe enough. If kids have no objections, then person can come back for sexy time. If kid does not feel safe or have other legitimate objections, person only comes over when kid is not home.

That's how we do it. If plans are made with disliked person when kid has other plans, kid gets to decide if she'd rather be around person or not but does not get to affect other people's plans -like this weekend kid and I had plans with a friend. Disliked person was coming to see Hubby. Kid wanted to change plans to stay home. We said fine, but so and so WILL be here because dad also made plans. Kid chose to not be around disliked person and stick to original plans.
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
Our kiddo is only 4, but she is VERY vocal about who she does and does not want in her space. I would say invite people over for a platonic only, short visit the first time to make sure kids feel safe enough. If kids have no objections, then person can come back for sexy time. If kid does not feel safe or have other legitimate objections, person only comes over when kid is not home.

That's how we do it. If plans are made with disliked person when kid has other plans, kid gets to decide if she'd rather be around person or not but does not get to affect other people's plans -like this weekend kid and I had plans with a friend. Disliked person was coming to see Hubby. Kid wanted to change plans to stay home. We said fine, but so and so WILL be here because dad also made plans. Kid chose to not be around disliked person and stick to original plans.
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I really like this approach! I haven't yet had to navigate potential dates visiting our home but if I did, I reckon I'm going to use this method.

One thing I keep in mind is when I'm giving veto vs when I'm asking for input. Often I do want to take on board the kids' opinion about something, but I need to make it clear that it's not their ultimate decision. Other times, yes, they do get absolute say.

Not sure how I'd feel about total veto over visitors. I think probably yes but I would want to frame it like a conversation about why they feel how they feel instead a yes/no button. Hmm. Thanks for the thought food!
 
ref2018 said:
Are you just having dates over, or are you having like sex parties in the living room? If it's the former, then I don't see the big deal, since you will go to the bedroom and close the door to have sex, right? If it's the latter, then you should only do it when the kids are elsewhere, such as at the grandparents or summer camp, or simply wait until they're older and you can say "look, we're having an adult party and you're not invited. Stay out of the basement for the next 4 hours."

I mean, this is such a no-brainer, I'm wondering if this is a troll post.
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Not a troll post, just something we are trying to figure out. Of course its not like we are throwing big sex parties at the house when the kids are here. Its more about the line of who meets the children and whether or not there should there even be that line.

Do we invite anyone we connect with over to the house during the kids waking hours? Even if we just met the person or they are expressly there for sex (and some socialization of course)? Or do we have them come over after the kids are in bed and once we have established that they are more than just a sexy tourist have them meet the kids if the situation arrives.

Both of the partners that are in disagreement feel like this is a no-brainer but for the opposite side. ;)


And as for the sex positive side of thing. The one partner feels like our sex positivity is at stake if we limit who and when comes to the house. The other disagrees. This is why that is being brought up.

Thanks!
 
ref2018 said:
Are you just having dates over, or are you having like sex parties in the living room? If it's the former, then I don't see the big deal, since you will go to the bedroom and close the door to have sex, right? If it's the latter, then you should only do it when the kids are elsewhere, such as at the grandparents or summer camp, or simply wait until they're older and you can say "look, we're having an adult party and you're not invited. Stay out of the basement for the next 4 hours."

I mean, this is such a no-brainer, I'm wondering if this is a troll post.
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Not a troll post, just something we are trying to figure out. Of course its not like we are throwing big sex parties at the house when the kids are here. Its more about the line of who meets the children and whether or not there should there even be that line.

Do we invite anyone we connect with over to the house during the kids waking hours? Even if we just met the person or they are expressly there for sex (and some socialization of course)? Or do we have them come over after the kids are in bed and once we have established that they are more than just a sexy tourist have them meet the kids if the situation arrives.

Both of the partners that are in disagreement feel like this is a no-brainer but for the opposite side. ;)


And as for the sex positive side of thing. The one partner feels like our sex positivity is at stake if we limit who and when comes to the house. The other disagrees. This is why that is being brought up.

Thanks!
 
A responsible parent would have asked these questions *before* moving in to the sexy-visitor house, is all I'm saying. I mean, kids are supposed to be a parent's top priority, so why would you not have discussed this before uprooting them and creating this awkward situation?

That's why it sounds like a troll post. There is a term for it—"concern trolling". It's where you combine things like sex and children and living together and nonmonogamy, and post about it on a forum trying to get the regulars all "concerned" about it while still trying to remain appearing "open-minded" and "non-judgmental". The British call it a "wind-up". It happens on this forum every few months or so.

If you are *not* a troll, then I feel bad for your kids for having a parent that makes these big life decisions about where to live and who to live with without considering what's best for their well-being, but what do I know? I don't have kids. BUT I once *was* a kid, and my parents pulled their version of selfish "adult" bullshit on me, so I know what it feels like, even if your kids don't know what's going on yet, they can sense something is off. They just don't have enough life experience to put it all into context. Anyway, the damage is already done. You decided to move in there, and now you're floundering around trying to adult after the fact.

But I'm still leaning toward troll.
 
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