Cliche achievement unlocked

There’s this guy who works at the bouldering gym I go to. Each day I come in and he’s working, we have this habit of chatting away for a good while at the counter as I sip my ordered coffee. The rapport is comfortable, easy and fun.

After not seeing him for a while, I realised I missed those interactions and that I’d developed a good ole crush. While not in a position to actively be poly yet, I was still excited to have formed a new interest naturally with someone.

He was in today climbing… with his partner… who is a guy. My ‘spark radar’ was way off.

Im torn between feeling relieved/ embarrassed/ sad - but at least I can finally tick ‘crushing on someone not into your gender’ off the list 😅🤦🏻‍♀️😩
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
He could be bi and poly... ;) Ya never know.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Jeansandsneakers,

It sounds like he's kind of hot. Wouldn't that be just your luck if he was also gay. :D

Congrats on unlocking that achievement. :)
Kevin T.
 
HE’S NOT GAY

Came in today as Crush was finishing his shift. He wasn’t feeling well, so he sat with I and one of the other staff to see if he was well enough to drive. He made a comment about feeling this morning like someone was running fingers up his spine. I joked maybe it was his partner. He said he didn’t have one. I asked about the guy he was affectionate with that day. The other staff member laughed, saying that was a fair call as they are affectionate together and Crush laughed as well, saying no, he’s single and heterosexual.

I gave no indication that it personally mattered either way, but thought that I couldn’t wait to tell you guys, haha.

I think I actually preferred him when he ‘was’ gay… I thought I’d gained a new gay male friend (they’re awesome) who could never be ‘blamed’ for not finding me attractive 😂
 
I don’t know! I’m so new to this and get awkward/shy when I like someone this way. Yes, he’s hot - but he’s also kind and funny and sweet…

How do you go about raising your interest to someone when you’re poly and already have a nesting spouse?

My husband, I think prompted partly by my wanting to see additional people, has now joined my bouldering gym and comes along with me a 3-4 times a week.

Crush may not be gay, but during his perceived… ‘gayness’ (?), he’s learnt I’m married.

So, yeah. Not sure how I’d even go about gauging if there’s interest 🤦🏻‍♀️
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It's kind of a shame your h has joined your gym. What do you mean it was prompted by your desire to see other people? Is he keeping an eye on you? Or does he also want to meet more people, so glommed onto your territory? That seems a bit self-defeating.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Jeansandsneakers,

Hmmm ... I wonder if you could start with light chat about poly in general. Like, sometime when you're talking/hanging with Crush and there's an opening ... say something like, "Hey, have you heard of polyamory? I'm kind of into it. What do you think of it?" Don't mention to him that you're interested in him until after you've heard his take on poly, and then only if his take is positive.

Just a thought,
Kevin T.
 
It's kind of a shame your h has joined your gym. What do you mean it was prompted by your desire to see other people? Is he keeping an eye on you? Or does he also want to meet more people, so glommed onto your territory? That seems a bit self-defeating.
i get the sense that he’s trying to be a ‘better husband’ by showing more interest in my activities and/or is feeling a bit vulnerable and wants more of me because the idea of me wanting to see additional people makes him worry about someone ‘taking me away’.

I’ve told him I’m untakable… he just has what I call ‘partner-bias’, where he assumes every guy I could potentially hook up with will a) automatically love me the way my husband does and b) become a threat to our marriage.
 
Hi Jeansandsneakers,

Hmmm ... I wonder if you could start with light chat about poly in general. Like, sometime when you're talking/hanging with Crush and there's an opening ... say something like, "Hey, have you heard of polyamory? I'm kind of into it. What do you think of it?" Don't mention to him that you're interested in him until after you've heard his take on poly, and then only if his take is positive.

Just a thought,
Kevin T.
I’ll wait for a genuine opening in the conversation, even if it never comes. I was at peace caring for him the way I do when I ‘knew’ nothing would come of it due to him being gay. I’d rather have him close as a friend than risk losing the connection all together.

It is a bit of a heart sore, though. Heh.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Friendship is very valuable. You don't want to lose it. You'll know if/when the right time comes to mention poly to him.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
i get the sense that he’s trying to be a ‘better husband’ by showing more interest in my activities and/or is feeling a bit vulnerable and wants more of me because the idea of me wanting to see additional people makes him worry about someone ‘taking me away’.

I’ve told him I’m untakable… he just has what I call ‘partner-bias’, where he assumes every guy I could potentially hook up with will a) automatically love me the way my husband does and b) become a threat to our marriage.
Well, that doesn't sound very healthy. It sounds like he doesn't trust you. He thinks every guy you meet (if any) will be a "cowboy" and want to rope you off as his own property, destroying your marriage. He's being territorial and coming there to show you are "taken." Polyamory can't work with that mindset.
 
Agreed. I think he’s genuinely caught the bouldering bug, though. This is my 3rd day stuck in bed with gastro (gross) and he’s gone the last two nights without me. He comes back and describes the routes he did/ got stuck on.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
Sorry about the gastro 😢

I rather banned my husband from any hobby I try...long story. Wasn't a poly issue.

It definitely becomes a "being out" issue if you're in shared spaces, though. For a while we really enjoyed being in the kink scene as we could be completely transparent as poly with that community.

I hope you can find places to meet people to date 😁
 
Thank you. Me too. The idea of not being able to turn around without my husband being there in the name of ‘wanting to spend more time with me’ (which also equates to completely blocking me off) is depressing.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
In the early days of opening our relationship up I felt like Adam was deliberately cock blocking me at times.

It got better.

Now he's more of a wingman on occasion lol.
 
Im so glad it got better. He’s gone out again climbing while I’m stuck in bed. I know it sounds absurd, and likely due to my cabin fever - but I feel a bit like he’s infiltrated my happy place activity while I’m being denied it.

I have fears that I’ll never get to be open without leaving this marriage, which is scary because I do love him.

I also miss seeing Crush… which is ridiculous because he’s just a friend and we’re not even close.

Again, happy to hear things got better for you. Ill take all the hope I can get x
 
Perhaps this should become my blog…

Feeling the hurt of hope lost. Polyamory feels like a hopeless achievement for me. Sometimes it feels like the want will only ever bring me shame.

Crush had been unwell, so I’d brought in some vitamin B12 to the manager (a friend) to pass on to him. He’s vegan and his symptoms seemed similar to what I had when I was vegan and low on B12. Anyway, saw him today and he was really happy and thankful. It’s the second time I’ve given him something- another time I brought him tiger balm after he was complaining about the muscles in a shoulder being sore and irritating.

I feel like bringing in these two items is equivalent to wearing a neon sign over my head that reads ‘I dig you, please profess your love for me now, thanks’.

Shockingly, no love was professed. He finished his shift and was hanging around, but other girls were talking with him and I didn’t want to insert myself into the conversation. So I finished up and left. He was mid climb so I didn’t say goodbye.

Then I cried a little on the way home.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t honestly expect him to just want me like that. I’m more heart achy because it’s been two years of exploring this subject. Two years of due diligence to ensure that I am equipped with as much ethical know how as possible.

Two years and I’m feeling more like I’m never going to find a second partner/fwb or anything. I’m allegedly very attractive by all biased accounts. I take that with a large grain of salt, but surely at some point I will be attracted to someone and they will be attracted back… but, even if that DOES happen… what then are the odds of them wanting a married woman?

So yeah, I cried driving home. Not just because I had to face the fact that Crush isn’t giving any signals - but because the bigger fact is that there may never be any signals and I’ll be forever stuck in a situation where I want someone my husband would prefer I didn’t and it’s all for nothing.
 
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