Closing a relationship; should I confront this or leave it alone?

A

anonymouslemon

New member
Hi everyone, I mostly came here bc I've been searching for advice and have had no luck until I found this forum. Hopefully someone here can help me.

I want to stay anonymous for now, so you can call me L. For the sake of brevity, I'm going to refer to my partner as T and their husband as N.

You might have already gathered this, but I'm in a throuple with my partner, T, and their husband, N. We've had an open relationship for the 4 years we've been together, but it's mostly me dating other people since T seems satisfied with just 2 partners. [N and I are sort of life partners since the three of us live together, but his relationship with mine is mostly platonic since he's not too interested in romance or sex. He doesn't really see other people as a result either]. The thing is, T is deeply insecure and always doubts my feelings for them when I see other people. They strongly believe that I'm just going to leave them someday if I "find someone better". This is obviously not the case, since we have been together for 4 years and living together for 2, and we have been through thick and thin together. I love my partner more than life itself, and would do anything for them, and even though they tell me they want me to be happy and see who I want, I can't stand seeing them in pain because of my actions so I always end up breaking off these other relationships before they can start to spare their feelings, no matter how promising they are. I haven't pursued anyone else in awhile because I thought with enough time, they might realize that I love them and don't want to leave them. I realize I should have just closed the relationship on my own and that I'm an asshole for not doing so, but whenever I tried, they insisted that I didn't need to do that and that they'd handle their emotions.

The thing is: last night, my partner and I had a deep discussion about our relationship, and I confronted them for not communicating their needs. Among other things, they finally broke down and confessed they weren't okay with me seeing other people and asked to close our relationship for awhile. They stressed that it wouldn't be "forever", but for now they couldn't stand it.

My problem isn't with T asking to close the relationship. Consent is the most important pillar of any poly relationship and if the consent isn't enthusiastic, it's not really consent. My problem is with T's insistence that this isn't permanent. I have reasons to believe that this isn't true: namely, the fact that we've been together for 4 years AND we've been through so much shit together, and they STILL don't trust me not to leave them. If they don't have that kind of faith and security in our relationship now, I honestly don't believe they ever will. And if that's how it is, then I will wholeheartedly accept that and just live with it. However, if I'm truly never going to be able to date another person again, I feel like T should tell me that rather than saying that it might happen again someday. And I feel like the only reason our relationship hasn't been permanently closed is because they still believe I'll leave them if it is.

I love being polyamorous and I love dating and meeting a lot of different people, and even though I'm willing to sacrifice that to stay with T, I need time to grieve those things and come to terms with not having them anymore rather than hold out hope for something that won't happen. And I feel like, by T not being entirely honest with me, they're taking that time to grieve away from me. But at the same time, I feel like I don't have the right to confront them on this b/c I've been hurting them this whole time with my actions, and I should just suck it up. After all, every single monogamous friend I have thinks I'm obviously the bad guy in this situation. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do here, and I want to ask them to be honest with me but I don't know if they will. What do you think I should do?
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I want to ask them to be honest with me but I don't know if they will. What do you think I should do?
Click to expand...

It may be T can't be honest with you. Because they are thinking things like "If I'm honest, they will leave me. If I'm not honest, they will leave me. Aaaaahhh!"

You are gonna have to decide what you want to do without that input.

If they don't have that kind of faith and security in our relationship now, I honestly don't believe they ever will. And if that's how it is, then I will wholeheartedly accept that and just live with it.
Click to expand...
I think you ask the wrong things.

To me it's more like "I accept that T is insecure. I accept that T does not have kind of faith and security in our relationship now. I honestly don't believe they ever will. So.... How much do I feel like dealing with T's mental health/insecure stuff? Is it worth it to be in a relationship with T? How much is this impacting my own mental health and well being?"

Even when closed, will T believe you are gonna ditch them eventually anyway? The song will just change to "you aren't their legal spouse like N is"... you have no "real ties" or whatever? Or will they finally be satisfied? If they are, maybe it's worth it. Or if you can ignore the anxiety witter, maybe it's worth it.

If T is not satisfied and just finds a new doom and it's like trying to fill the never ending black hole for you? You cannot ignore the anxiety witter? It takes a toll on your own health? Maybe it's not worth it.

Or maybe this is one of those "leave no rock unturned" things for you. I guess you could try Closed and find out what happens and deal with future stuff in future.

However, if I'm truly never going to be able to date another person again, I feel like T should tell me that rather than saying that it might happen again someday. And I feel like the only reason our relationship hasn't been permanently closed is because they still believe I'll leave them if it is.
Click to expand...

You expect an insecure person who isn't emotionally honest to... suddenly be emotionally honest?

Why don't YOU tell yourself "Whatever T says? It's not emotionally honest if it hits their blind spot. They say "someday" but from past experience? I accept it's prob not really true."

Like YOU be honest with yourself about T's limitations and adjust your expectations of T?

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do here, and I want to ask them to be honest with me but I don't know if they will. What do you think I should do?
Click to expand...

I think you could stop asking. And update your expectations. Remember what you wrote above?

If they don't have that kind of faith and security in our relationship now, I honestly don't believe they ever will. And if that's how it is, then I will wholeheartedly accept that and just live with it.
Click to expand...

Start living with it. Then make your next decisions.

I think you have to figure out what your highest value is.

"1) I love being with T in this V that we call a throuple. But really, it's a V. Things are pretty platonic with N. And I'm willing to deal with the price of admission -- dealing with T's unmanaged insecure stuff."

OR

"2) I love being polyamorous and I love dating and meeting a lot of different people. I no longer want to deal with the price of admission to be in the V we call throuple with T and N. I no longer want to deal with T's unmanaged insecure stuff. "

OR

3) I don't want to leave without at least trying all the things. So I'm gonna try closed for a while and see if I can deal with it. I will postpone final decision til later in ___ months of trying Closed with T.

OR

4) Another value I cannot guess right now but you know what it is

because you cannot have ALL the things. You do know this at this point in time -- T is not really ok with you dating other people.

If you love T, warts and all? And know that T has some insecurities and isn't always forthcoming or emotionally honest? They aren't gonna seek counseling or something to work on it? That's how they are then. You accept them how they are. Warts and all.

As such? You stop expecting them to be honest with you about that. It's their weird blind spot. They are unable to be honest and they are gonna do nothing to change it.

If you are gonna stick it out? Best you not sugar coat that to yourself. You have a partner with insecure stuff that is not able to be emotionally honest.

If you are gonna choose to accommodate it/work around it/no longer expect it? When T tells you it is not permanent? You say "Sure, hon."
And on the inside? You treat it like it IS permanently closed. Then YOU make the time to grieve that. T doesn't give you your time. YOU deal with your time management. You work to come to terms with giving up dating other people. Do whatever healing you do. If T ever gets around to REALLY working on their personal stuff and gets to a place of being willing to Open again? In a way you can actually tell things have changed? Great. Call it an unexpected pleasant bonus. But you don't expect it. Because after this many years you know T and the likelihood of that actually happening. This isn't 4 weeks or 4 months in. It's 4 years in.

And you own that YOU are making this choice to give up dating other people in favor of being with T. You can't get all resentful at T later for YOUR decisions. If things don't pan out, you can break up with T later. But you can't blame them for "putting you in a box" if you climbed in yourself.

Me? I'd go the other way. I've had that experience already with an insecure BF and NOTHING I did could change anything. And he would not go to therapy. It grew tiresome and then lonely. I'm not excited about doing any of that again.

Me? I would tell myself "Well, it's been 4 years, T's struggling still. If I haven't seen T actually working on it in some fashion with support group, counselor, books, etc? Best I end it to be kind to T so they can stop living on pins and needles about it. And kind to me so I can stop suffering too. Just part ways. There. The dreaded (in T's mind) parting happened. They no longer have to wonder. And I no longer have to deal in this."

And then I'd be sad for a while, heal over time, and then move on to live my life.

I am not you. You have to make that call. Internet people can't make your calls for you.

I will say I'm sorry you are in this hard place. But no. You aren't being a bad guy. You situation is simply what it is -- a hard call. When you cannot have all the things? You have to figure out what your highest value is. So I suggest you do your soul searching and make the call you want to make.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thank you for replying to me; I appreciate an outsider's perspective and to be honest, being told I'm not the bad guy in this makes me want to cry tears of relief. I've spent a long time feeling like I was the absolute scum of the earth for doing what I did and feeling the way I feel, and you're the first person to tell me I'm not (aside from T, who insists it's not my fault but their own).

The thing is: T and I are both in therapy and receiving help. When they moved in with me, they hadn't been in therapy for a long time and I insisted that they reach out and helped them get in. I thought it would be enough, but you made me realize that it hasn't been and that even though I *am* happy with them most of the time, bad moments like this are too much for me to bear.

I still want to stay with T and I will do what you said and come to terms with it, but I think in addition to the both of us being in therapy, I want us to pursue couple's counseling. I think that while individual therapy is wonderful, their therapist only gets one side of the story and in order for someone to truly help them with their insecurities, they need to know both of us and get our ends of the story. And if they're not willing to pursue that with me, that will tell me all I need to know.
 
T wasn't honest with you from the beginning about T not really wanting you to date other people. T said they were ok with it. And you carried on with seeing other people. T was upset. Did you expect yourself to be some kind of mind reader? So not being a mind reader makes you... scum of the earth?

Why are you so mean to you? Where did you learn that behavior? :(

I'm glad to hear you both already have individual therapy. I could be wrong in my impression and I don't know what you all have going on (and you do not have to say here). But both you sound like you both deal with a big shame load that came from wherever it came from. I don't think being your own self bully in this situation is gonna help any though.

I hope you are able to stop calling yourself names like "bad guy" and "scum" and give yourself permission to just be "a regular ol' person with a hard situation." The situation sounds hard enough without you piling extra ugh load on.

I thought it would be enough, but you made me realize that it hasn't been and that even though I *am* happy with them most of the time, bad moments like this are too much for me to bear.
Click to expand...

If you both want to try couples therapy next? Maybe that helps. And maybe it is part of the "leave no rock left unturned" thing since you want to keep trying for now. Fair enough.

But if nothing gets better? You might be bumping into the fact that love alone is not enough for deep compatibility.

You may have to ask yourself if you expect yourself to "thrive" in your romantic relationships? Or just "survive" in them? And then ask "Could you both be better off as good exes? Or good exes and friends?"

But it's ok to postpone that for now if you want to try couple counseling first. One baby step at a time.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
You're right on that end; and I shouldn't be mean to myself. I've just faced a lot of backlash from people in my conservative southern community, especially for being in a relationship with someone who's married, and been called a lot of ugly names that I won't go into. It's been hard to ask for help or advice from my community without people jumping down my throat or saying it was my fault for having a polyamorous relationship in the first place-- or that of COURSE my partner would feel insecure about me seeing other people because who wouldn't? And seeing that kind of thing and being told I'm a bad person has stuck with me.

I think the other thing to address here is that regardless of whether our relationship is romantic or platonic, they're not just worried about me breaking up with them but about leaving their life entirely. Even if I was just their friend, they'd still worry about it. So this isn't an issue of "staying together vs being just friends", it's an issue of "being in each other's lives vs not being in each other's lives". And I want to stay with them even if it isn't romantic, so I think that if that's going to happen, regardless of whether or not I stay with them, we would both benefit from seeing a counselor together bc I couldn't stand being treated that way by a friend either. I take all of my relationships very seriously whether they're romantic or platonic.

We may or may not be compatible but at the end of the day I do want to try my best to salvage things with them so that, even in the case that it does end, I won't have any regrets about my end of things. Nobody's ever going to be perfect and I don't expect them not to be insecure or to think they're the sexiest thing to walk this earth, but I'd at least like them to believe in *me* even if they can't believe in *themselves*. I don't think that's asking for the impossible.
 
I was in a 30 year relationship with a man who had insecure attachment issues. We were not polyamorous for most of our relationship, but he was always concerned that I would leave him for someone "better." Even though I never cheated on him, just the fact that there were men out there who found me attractive was enough to cause him to feel jealous and to think of me as a bad person, to "make" me feel evil. Truly, I did find other men (and women, for that matter) attractive sometimes, but so what? I was always loyal and faithful. That wasn't enough. It was his own low self esteem, not anything in me, that was the problem.

I finally did 3 years of individual counseling (after also doing 3 sessions of couples counseling with him over the decades) and decided I was done with his suspicion and jealousies. I left and I am so glad I did. I found better love almost immediately, with a secure poly person who did not have these issues in the least. Thank the gods I did that.

I tried "everything" to stay with my ex. I wish I hadn't waited so long to try "everything." I wasted half my life doing that, to no avail.

Now I have both a female and a male lover without those jealous insecurities. Better late than never.
 
You're right on that end; and I shouldn't be mean to myself. I've just faced a lot of backlash from people in my conservative southern community,
Click to expand...

And that's going to happen in conservative areas.

If detangling is the most skipped step? I think the second most skipped step is being out to safe friends and family and having a support network. Because then you have help when things go wahoonie. Rather than going at it like a lonely little island.

If this experience is teaching you that you neglected to create your support network? Could work on it now.

I think the other thing to address here is that regardless of whether our relationship is romantic or platonic, they're not just worried about me breaking up with them but about leaving their life entirely.
Click to expand...

I will gently suggest this is T's worry, and T could be doing the work around that.

I see that you want to remain friends even if you break up. But you also don't want to be treated this way as a friend.

Your share of the work may be to articulate your personal boundaries and dealbreakers. Do your side of the job. Expect T to do theirs. You cannot carry the whole relationship.

I'd at least like them to believe in *me* even if they can't believe in *themselves*. I don't think that's asking for the impossible.
Click to expand...

I see you would like that. I'm not trying to be mean, ok? But that is NOT up to you.
  • T believing in you? That's T work. Not yours.
  • T believing in themselves? That's T work. Not yours.
So you can hope, but it's not your work to be doing. And it is not in your control.

My exBF also was constantly worrying that I would leave him for "someone better" even though I was right there, loyal, and steadfast. Because he didn't like himself very much? He didn't believe in himself? He just could not believe that I liked him, the real him. And I did. I was just sad that he struggled soooo much to like himself.

In the end? The good times started being less and less and the annoying/tiresome things started being more. I got tired of dealing with him unmanaged. I was not put on this earth to be his chronic bucket filler/reassure person. Esp when he himself was the one going around kicking over his own bucket. I want a relationship, not a patient case load.

I said I could no longer deal with him being unmanaged with his depression, anxiety, critical voice in his head, and low self esteem. And unless he was in counseling and at least TRYING, I was done. I was willing to try counseling. I was not my job to be his life raft.

He didn't want to own it at the time. Not willing to seek individual nor couple counseling, and blamed me like my standards were too high and impossible. So I left.

When I was out the door, he said he always knew I would leave. I asked him if he "always knew" it, why didn't he make any attempt to stop it then? Like if you see the socket has too many plugs and it is a fire hazard? And you "always knew" one day it would make a fire? Why not just take some plugs out to prevent it? He had no answer.

Had he been more able, I would have been willing to be exes and friends. But he wasn't well, he wasn't able, and honestly? Trying to be friends with him would have been the same kind of negative, draining relationship being his GF had become. Like maybe great for HIM to have a chronic bucket filler around, but a drag for ME.

10 years later and many other GFs dumping him for the very same thing? He got into counseling and called me up. It was a weird call out of the blue. Totally felt like "therapy homework" where he was going down the list calling exes to apologize for past behavior and trying to take personal responsibility for himself and his actions. I told him I was glad he was working on himself, and wished him well. Then I hung up and thought "What a weird call. And good for him finally getting to it but wow! Bullet dodged for me! Thank goodness I left sooner rather than farting around another 10 years of MY life waiting around on him!"

We may or may not be compatible but at the end of the day I do want to try my best to salvage things with them so that, even in the case that it does end, I won't have any regrets about my end of things.
Click to expand...

All that to say.... Ok. Do your best to give it a fair shake. But with a time limit.

People deserve second chances. But it's not gonna be like 100, 1000, 1 million second chances right? You have clocked 4 years. If you don't see reasonable progress in a reasonable amount of time? Get out and pull the plug. You did you best. It was not enough. Don't let it become like sunk cost fallacy.

It's ok to leave with regrets. It's ok to feel sad and disappointed a thing just doesn't work out. But one doesn't just keep standing there in the mire. You have to take care of your own well being.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hello L,

You can certainly ask T to be honest with you; if they refuse, how are you any worse off? You would just then know that they won't be honest with you even if they're asked.

I guess my view is biased since I am a polyamorist, but I don't think you've been doing anything wrong by seeing other people. This isn't a situation that comes with "blame." It's not your "fault," it's not T's "fault." Nobody is at fault because there's nothing here. T gave you the okay, to see other people, and gave you their word that they would handle their own feelings about it. Well, that turned out to be not quite true, and I guess T is at fault for that part. They did not "handle" their own feelings about it. They *couldn't* handle their own feelings about it. Instead, T decided you were seeing other people because there was something wrong with T. And the only thing "wrong" with T is that T doesn't tell the truth.

But there is *nothing* wrong with seeing other people. The only thing that that calls for is getting T's consent. And you had T's consent. Or rather, T told you that you had T's consent. Which wasn't quite true, was it? but then it is not your responsibility to read T's mind; if anything, when T tells you you have their consent, it is your responsibility to trust them -- and thus to believe them. The irony is that you did end up reading T's mind -- which I would call going the extra mile.

I think it's a good idea for you and T to get couple's counseling.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Adding an update on things since a few of you have replied: I ended up confronting T about their insecurities, feeling that it would be best to bring it up so that we could pursue counseling together, and they shed some more light on the situation. I'm not really at liberty to explain every last detail, because I feel that this isn't really the place for my whole sob story, but I can tell you the condensed version.

Basically, T and I have precarious living circumstances together through no fault of our own. Them and their husband live with me and my own family temporarily due to their own living situation falling apart (I want to stress again, through no fault of theirs. I was there to witness what happened, so this isn't something they could lie about to me), and my family has not always been... kind about the situation-- even if they did agree to take them in, it's constantly held over my head. My own relationship with my family is strained on the best days, and on the worst... I'd rather not go into it. Don't get me wrong: we're not in any danger, and even if it sucks, it beats being homeless (and yes I'm aware the bar is on the floor). We all plan on leaving together and have planned to from the beginning, but due to the pandemic and difficulty finding long term well paying employment, things have not gone as planned. They told me that their own insecurity was something they would probably have been able to deal with on their own and with help from an individual counselor, but our living situation being as bad as it is made their insecurity worse and is the number one reason they're afraid of losing me, not necessarily because they fear me being disloyal. And because of this exacerbating their insecurity, they feel that it would not be a good idea to bring another partner into the situation at least until we can fix it, which is why they closed the relationship. They stressed that they DO want to reopen it at some point and love being polyamorous as well, but can't give me a specific time because we don't know when we'll be able to move out from my family's house.

I still believe it would be a good idea to pursue couple's counseling so that we can work through some of our issues and make this situation as bearable as possible between us, but I now understand that the real problem that needs to be solved is to fix the shitty living situation. If breaking up needs to happen after that, that's one thing but I don't think it's unsalvageable yet. I didn't mean to paint T in a bad light here; I guess it just goes to show that you never know 100% what's going on inside someone's head and that their thoughts and feelings are usually more complex than we give them credit for. And thank you all for helping me: hearing your own stories really put this into perspective and I will try to put my mental health first going forward.
 
Thanks for more info.

Sounds like closing for a time to not add MORE people to a system that is already stressed is the way to go. Esp if you all live with your family who is tired of having all these people here and resentful. Y'all need to move out to reduce some of the stresses. And if possible, you move out to a new flat with or without roomies. T and her spouse move out to a new flat with or without roomies.

And then you can see if you and T can poly date or not. And if not? You are already living in separate homes and don't incur the cost of moving again so soon, or the struggle of living with an ex/risk of being homeless.

I hope you all do well with the job search/moving out thing and things get better for you over time.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi L,

I did not realize you had such a stressful living situation; putting some distance between you and your family is definitely the priority here; you can worry about T's insecurities after that priority gets taken care of.

This does not negate what I previously observed/advised; it just shifts the priorities a little. Counseling is expensive and I think moving out of your family's house -- and finding some gainful employment -- must come first I think.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yeah 100% on both of your points-- I knew the living situation was stressful, but I didn't know it was the *reason* for them being this insecure. They've always been somewhat insecure in our relationship even before they moved in with me [though admittedly it wasn't this bad]. But before we lived together, we were LDR and they always explained that not being able to see me in person often was the reason. I realized after our discussion that we've never *had* a relationship that existed with both of us in normal, healthy living situations where we saw each other often in person. I made the decision to ask them to live with me and my family because I knew they had nowhere else to go (N's family is definitely not able to support them and T's family is the reason they lost their home to begin with) and I don't regret that decision, but it hasn't been easy nor did I expect it to be. I think that when we move out, we need to regroup and start over with each other and take time to establish better, healthier dynamics if we're going to do this.
 
Hi L,

I agree, you need more of a level set of living together before you can start to negotiate things; you are doing the best you can of course, but you just can't negotiate an open/poly relationship when you're surrounded by people who disapprove of your lovestyle generally. Hopefully you can move out soon.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
As a parent with adult children, I think you owe it to your family to give them a timeline when you all will be out. THAT is the priority. Your family may not feel supportive to you, but I wouldn't let any non-family members move into my house.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top