MusicalRose
Member
Hello All,
Not sure what I'm really looking for here, as I don't know that there is any advice that will really help the situation, but I wanted a place to talk about this away from my husband (R) who is dealing with a lot of stress over the whole situation and whom I don't want to burden with my own emotional upset over it as much as I can avoid.
R and I are pretty active in our local poly community, so much so that we didn't really feel as if it was realistic to keep hiding our polyamory from his parents in the long haul, especially since they are pretty social media savvy and tend toward gossip. We've had a few non-poly slips about us and our lives that they've caused drama over in the past few years (very nosy, controlling, and pushy), so we wanted to come out to them as poly on our own terms and make sure we were prepared to have the conversation.
R and I just got married a few weeks ago, and R had basically been waiting until after the wedding to tell them. I'm not sure doing it quite this soon was a great idea, however I also don't think there ever would have been a good time to tell them and I've always told R that I will support him whenever he decides the time is right for him to be honest.
My parents have known for a few years, and while they dislike the idea of it, they're fairly accepting people and will always love me for who I am.
Anyhow, R's parents reacted about as badly as they possibly could have when we came out to them shortly after our wedding. They think I have R brainwashed and that I'm using him for his money, they never want anything to do with me ever again and never want to see me. They refuse to believe this is something R chose for himself. R's middle sister is supportive, but his oldest sister still remains to really show how she is going to act long term. We told both his sisters before we told his parents, and the oldest seemed okay with it, but then once R's parents started freaking out, she also started freaking out.
I guess I kind of expected them to act this way. Both of R's sisters have told us that their parents treat their sons-in-law in much the same way. Anytime something happens that they don't like it is automatically the fault of the people their children are dating. However, I am kind of upset at how nasty they are being to R about this. R has always loved his family and wants them to be part of his life and I hate the guilt trips they are laying on him right now. They keep telling us his mom is going to seek medical help and that it's like the son they always knew had died. They even said during the initial phone conversation that this was worse than if he had died. They've since retracted that and that they intended to say they were as shocked as if they'd heard someone died, but it still bothers me.
I guess I'm just feeling a lot of anger. The stress of it has impacted R pretty heavily, which caused he and I to get into some fights, and I can see signs that he might slip into a depression. I wish I could tell his parents that the only reason they think I have him brainwashed is that that's what they've tried to spend their whole life doing to him so they don't think him capable of independent thought.
If anyone has any good advice, I would appreciate it, although I don't know how much I can really do other than to try and be there to support R and let him process it. I know it will take time. I just don't like to see him hurt, and I know he's afraid that something in his relationship with his parents has been irrevocably lost. I wish people would stop trying to guilt and control other people so much. It's frustrating.
Not sure what I'm really looking for here, as I don't know that there is any advice that will really help the situation, but I wanted a place to talk about this away from my husband (R) who is dealing with a lot of stress over the whole situation and whom I don't want to burden with my own emotional upset over it as much as I can avoid.
R and I are pretty active in our local poly community, so much so that we didn't really feel as if it was realistic to keep hiding our polyamory from his parents in the long haul, especially since they are pretty social media savvy and tend toward gossip. We've had a few non-poly slips about us and our lives that they've caused drama over in the past few years (very nosy, controlling, and pushy), so we wanted to come out to them as poly on our own terms and make sure we were prepared to have the conversation.
R and I just got married a few weeks ago, and R had basically been waiting until after the wedding to tell them. I'm not sure doing it quite this soon was a great idea, however I also don't think there ever would have been a good time to tell them and I've always told R that I will support him whenever he decides the time is right for him to be honest.
My parents have known for a few years, and while they dislike the idea of it, they're fairly accepting people and will always love me for who I am.
Anyhow, R's parents reacted about as badly as they possibly could have when we came out to them shortly after our wedding. They think I have R brainwashed and that I'm using him for his money, they never want anything to do with me ever again and never want to see me. They refuse to believe this is something R chose for himself. R's middle sister is supportive, but his oldest sister still remains to really show how she is going to act long term. We told both his sisters before we told his parents, and the oldest seemed okay with it, but then once R's parents started freaking out, she also started freaking out.
I guess I kind of expected them to act this way. Both of R's sisters have told us that their parents treat their sons-in-law in much the same way. Anytime something happens that they don't like it is automatically the fault of the people their children are dating. However, I am kind of upset at how nasty they are being to R about this. R has always loved his family and wants them to be part of his life and I hate the guilt trips they are laying on him right now. They keep telling us his mom is going to seek medical help and that it's like the son they always knew had died. They even said during the initial phone conversation that this was worse than if he had died. They've since retracted that and that they intended to say they were as shocked as if they'd heard someone died, but it still bothers me.
I guess I'm just feeling a lot of anger. The stress of it has impacted R pretty heavily, which caused he and I to get into some fights, and I can see signs that he might slip into a depression. I wish I could tell his parents that the only reason they think I have him brainwashed is that that's what they've tried to spend their whole life doing to him so they don't think him capable of independent thought.
If anyone has any good advice, I would appreciate it, although I don't know how much I can really do other than to try and be there to support R and let him process it. I know it will take time. I just don't like to see him hurt, and I know he's afraid that something in his relationship with his parents has been irrevocably lost. I wish people would stop trying to guilt and control other people so much. It's frustrating.
Sounds like you are doing appropriate things for your self care through this. 
