Coming Out Recently

P

passion_flower

New member
I came out as bi/pan a long time ago and that was easy for me. But I began seeing patterns in my behavior during long term relationships. I would be unfaithful 2 years in. I recently came out as polyamorous once I started reading many articles on it.
The REASON I began looking into it was because, 2.5 years into THIS relationship, I, once again, started falling for someone. I don't know why. I love my partner. He's is my love, my life, my best friend, my partner in crime. But I can't stop talking to this other person. It's the feeling I get when I'm in a new relationship. It could last, it could be short, either way, I don't want to hide it anymore. I want to be open. I want a relationship with both. I think my friends and partner would like the new person.
But every time I bring the other person up, I get shut down by my friends. I opened to my friends about the person but not to my partner. I don't want to keep hiding but as soon as I bring up this person, he will end things. I feel stuck and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I need to vent or if I want advice. I am confused and sad and disappointed in myself. But I also just want to be happy.
I was so happy with just my partner, things were going great, then all of a sudden I get a text from an old friend and I just haven't stopped talking to him. I fantasize about him, I think about him all the time. I want to visit him and ask him on a date, I want him to be my boyfriend. I can't talk about him to my friends and I get sad.
I don't know what to do or how to process these emotions.
 
Hi passion_flower

It sounds like you're leaning towards polyamory rather than your history of serial monogamy. That's cool, you'll find people here who also made that change.

To be straight up about it, your current partner might not want to join you on the poly journey and may prefer to find someone who wants monogamy. This would suck, but it wouldn't be the end of the world as it would free you to begin all new relationships from the place of being open in practice and poly by nature. Better to live authentically, right!

Just realise that if your current partner says it's a hard no for them, it's not fair to try and change their minds. However, if they say, "I want to understand more first," then give them that time to learn. I know you'll be champing at the bit to get to know this current new person, but there's a good chance that you may have to let this one slip by while your current partner adjusts their world view. But as you know, sooner or later, someone else interesting to you will be along. If you get the opening up part sorted, you get to stay with this current partner (if they aren't a hard no) and meet new people your whole life. If the current relationship ends, you get to start afresh poly and meet new people your whole life.

Good luck with whatever happens next!
 
Just wanted to add a couple of links regarding New Relationship Energy (which it rather sounds like you enjoy a kick of every couple of years!)

www.themanual.com

Navigating the Highs and Lows of New Relationship Energy

A contextual look at how New Relationship Energy (NRE) can shape or break a non-monogamous or polyamorous relationship.
www.themanual.com www.themanual.com

itsnotaboutthesex.wordpress.com

The NRE Trap

Edit: After a conversation with one of my most trusted readers, I realized that in posts like this, perhaps I come across as being the final authority on all things relationship based. Everything I…
itsnotaboutthesex.wordpress.com itsnotaboutthesex.wordpress.com

Poly Debriefing #3: Don’t Fight the Moonlight, an NRE Survival Guide

These days I’m polyamorous in spirit, monogamous in practice.
poly.land poly.land

https://polyamory.com/threads/ever-wonder-if-some-polyamorists-are-just-nre-junkies.71277/ (this is a thread from here in 2014. Often around here threads such as this don't really resolve terribly much, they are just a discussion that might spark a few ideas for you).
 
First of all, I appreciate the advice.
Second of all, update. My partner felt like something was wrong and he asked me if I've been talking to someone. I told him I have been.
We got into a huge argument and we both walked out. I drove around until I called a friend and she said I could stay. She wasn't much help... but it was a place to stay the night. I'm worried about my partner. I texted him saying that I am at a friends house and to text me when he gets home, and that I'm worried about him.

I don't know what is going to happen.
 
I'm sorry for your uncertainty and I'm glad you have somewhere to stay during the cooling off period from the initial argument.

I hope your partner is safe, and that you can both have a calm conversation once the initial feelings have subsided.

Perhaps write down the things that you really want him to know rather than have another big blow up. Invite him to do the same, although you already suspected that he would want to end your relationship as soon as he knew about your crush. Perhaps you would prefer to write about how to end any interdependencies you have (financial, familial, etc.) so you can plan to separate as easily as possible. This could get you started:

Dear ******
As you know, I've realised that I would feel more authentic in an open relationship model, and I'm sorry I started to act on this without coming to you first.
I understand that you very strongly prefer a closed relationship model and that this probably means that our relationship will end so you can find someone monogamous and I can find a network of people I connect with.
Etc.


Be kind to yourself.
 
Thank you. This is a great idea. I will do this. I'm better at communicating through writing anyway.

He was safe.. I returned home. We discussed. We ended up breaking up but he's bargaining right now. Thinking that maybe he could let me go on dates but then he changes his mind over and over again. So I told him that his happiness matters to me and that I don't want to force him into anything he is uncomfortable with. That I will give him space and stay at a friend's until he decides. I've already made my decision. I'm not willing to be unsatisfied for the rest of my life.

Thank you so much for your input, you have no idea how much it helps. Like... so much. I don't know how to make connections through forums so this is helping quite a bit.
 
I'm glad he's safe and you've talked. Did he surprise you by not being a hard no? I hope you don't agree to less than what you want*, but if he's really open to learning, you could spend time investing in that process. There's suggested/recommended books, websites/podcasts for people who are opening a relationship. A search here would find a post with links to those, and a lot else besides from people who have been there done that.

*You really don't want to have to go back to negotiating whenever you want to do "something more" - so perhaps ask him where his deal-breaker boundary is and see if it matches yours. This is the nitty gritty stuff. I hope you two aren't shy about talking about sex, because you'll need to be brutally honest about where each of your lines are.
 
We ended up breaking up but he's bargaining right now. Thinking that maybe he could let me go on dates but then he changes his mind over and over again. So I told him that his happiness matters to me and that I don't want to force him into anything he is uncomfortable with. That I will give him space and stay at a friend's until he decides. I've already made my decision. I'm not willing to be unsatisfied for the rest of my life.So I told him that his happiness matters to me and that I don't want to force him into anything he is uncomfortable with. That I will give him space and stay at a friend's until he decides. I've already made my decision. I'm not willing to be unsatisfied for the rest of my life.
Click to expand...

While I'm sorry to hear about the stuff from last night, I think you are right to put your happiness first. And be concerned about his well being -- he can't be bending himself into pretzels just to avoid a break up. And you can't be coaching him or doing his personal work for him. Be careful neither one is dragging things out if this just needs to be done.

Breaking up is part of dating. It happens. It doesn't mean the people are horrible. It just means that some people? They are not going to be initially compatible. And then those who are initially compatible? Doesn't mean they are going to be deeply compatible. Dating is how one finds the compatible ones. Hopefully if it has to happen they can break up with dignity and grace and try to be decent exes if they run into each other for some reason.

If you want to find a V situation eventually? You have to start with poly people who actually want the same thing. Then assess further compatibility from there. A "V" is not going to happen with someone who prefers strict monogamy.

Someone who is monoamorous who wants to love their 1 sweetie and is "relationship shape flexible" in the sense that they could do monogamy fine or do poly fine as an end point in a V or similar? Maybe. But not someone wanting strict monogamy.

No break up is FUN. So I wish you peace and healing over time.

But I hope this also makes it so you can work on building your actual happiness next and live more authentically. Rather than keep on with relationship models that aren't the right fit for you.

Galagirl
 
Hello passion_flower,

I'm very sorry your partner and you have hit such a rocky bump in the road. And I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need from your friends. I'm glad one of your friends is letting you stay at her place. I think you are making the right decision to not compromise on something so central to who you are and what brings you happiness (namely, poly). Try for an amicable breakup if your (current) partner absolutely cannot stand to be with you if you're poly. It sounds like he is trying to decide.

I hope Polyamory.com can continue to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Evie said:
I'm glad he's safe and you've talked. Did he surprise you by not being a hard no? I hope you don't agree to less than what you want*, but if he's really open to learning, you could spend time investing in that process. There's suggested/recommended books, websites/podcasts for people who are opening a relationship. A search here would find a post with links to those, and a lot else besides from people who have been there done that.

*You really don't want to have to go back to negotiating whenever you want to do "something more" - so perhaps ask him where his deal-breaker boundary is and see if it matches yours. This is the nitty gritty stuff. I hope you two aren't shy about talking about sex, because you'll need to be brutally honest about where each of your lines are.
Click to expand...

Yes, it was surprising. He is open to learning and we are both learning by reading articles and experiences. We have talked about boundaries. He has set them and they are in my confort zone. Things are going really well. It was weird but we were 100% transparent. We talked about sex and relationships with other people. I like that I don't have to hide things from him. He is my nesting partner and I like things this way. For now. He said that if anything changes I need to tell him because that is a deal breaker. Right now he needs time to adjust. I have been constantly reassuring him that I love him, that he is my best friend, I cuddle him, and I feel like our relationship is better than ever. Even our sex life has improved. He told me to treat him like "a needy girlfriend". And it's been working great.

The problem I'm still having is the depression that I've struggled with my whole life. I take antidepressants. I take meds regularly. I go to therapy. I came out. I am exercising, losing weight. I am doing things to make me happy. I SHOULD feel fine. But I don't feel fine. I don't know why. I am sad and lonely and tired and just so sad. I can't even cry because I don't have a reason to.
 
GalaGirl said:
While I'm sorry to hear about the stuff from last night, I think you are right to put your happiness first. And be concerned about his well being -- he can't be bending himself into pretzels just to avoid a break up. And you can't be coaching him or doing his personal work for him. Be careful neither one is dragging things out if this just needs to be done.

Breaking up is part of dating. It happens. It doesn't mean the people are horrible. It just means that some people? They are not going to be initially compatible. And then those who are initially compatible? Doesn't mean they are going to be deeply compatible. Dating is how one finds the compatible ones. Hopefully if it has to happen they can break up with dignity and grace and try to be decent exes if they run into each other for some reason.

If you want to find a V situation eventually? You have to start with poly people who actually want the same thing. Then assess further compatibility from there. A "V" is not going to happen with someone who prefers strict monogamy.

Someone who is monoamorous who wants to love their 1 sweetie and is "relationship shape flexible" in the sense that they could do monogamy fine or do poly fine as an end point in a V or similar? Maybe. But not someone wanting strict monogamy.

No break up is FUN. So I wish you peace and healing over time.

But I hope this also makes it so you can work on building your actual happiness next and live more authentically. Rather than keep on with relationship models that aren't the right fit for you.

Galagirl
Click to expand...

Things have improved quite a bit. But I am still worried. Worried that any minute, he's going to leave me. That I will be too much for him to handle.

We are both doing our own research separately. So far we have agreed on boundaries and are still together working things out.

I know breaking up is part of dating. Trust me, I know break ups well. I have gone through many. I know I will be fine. I know he will be fine. We will live. I tend to ride the NRE and move in too soon. I am good at moving in.
I'm a pro at finding someone, falling in love, have lots of sex, and move in. Then 2 years go by and I lose interest or I meet someone else. Then we break up. Every. Single. Time.
But this man loves me. He adores me. He loves me more than life. But I know I could live without him. I'm used to the break up part. My brain somehow blocks things. I separate emotionally. Then I'm done. I can live. It's how I survive.

He said that if we ever break up, he wants us to still keep in touch. He wants me in his life even if we separate.

I'm not quite sure what I want yet. Which is why I'm so nervous and scared. What if I decide I want something that my partner isn't willing to do? That would kill me. I want him in my life but he needs to be happy, and so do I.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello passion_flower,

I'm very sorry your partner and you have hit such a rocky bump in the road. And I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need from your friends. I'm glad one of your friends is letting you stay at her place. I think you are making the right decision to not compromise on something so central to who you are and what brings you happiness (namely, poly). Try for an amicable breakup if your (current) partner absolutely cannot stand to be with you if you're poly. It sounds like he is trying to decide.

I hope Polyamory.com can continue to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

My partner has decided that he would rather try this new dynamic than break up without even trying. It's a trial run. My friends still aren't supportive. They act weird when I talk about it. So I have stopped talking about myself.
 
Hi passion_flower,

So sorry your friends are not good listeners when you need to talk to them. Also it sounds like this is a very scary time for you, you do not know whether you will decide you want something that your partner just can't stand. I think maybe you are feeling extra depressed because you are anticipating him breaking up with you, and you do not want that to happen. Not that you need a reason for how you feel, I take meds for anxiety, and have a perfectly good life, but I still feel anxious most of the time and I don't know why.

Hang in there,
Kevin T.
 
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