Coming out to 5year spouse HELP PLZ

Otternk

New member
So I've been doing a bit of introspection lately and being honest with myself and looking at past relationships I don't think I'm really satisfied with my partner nor her with me. Weve been together 5years I love adore and respect her she's the mother of our beautiful child I've no desire to leave her. But I also feel neither can offer the other entirely what the other needs and looking back I think that's been the case with everyone I've been with. At first I wondered if I was just being selfish full of desire and list of others so I distanced myself from these disruptful thoughts. Then after a while I saw myself having feelings for other girls not an overwhelming drop everything and run to the hills type but just an honestly caring love for them. And I never admitted or said anything or did anything to every provoke action and even avoided interaction of fear i might lose control of myself. At this point I was certain I wasn't just selfishly listing for others because of the festering feelings and my own restraint. But after attempting to become more gender aware I came across the word polyamor which I looked into a little and realised I think I'm honestly capable of loving multiple people and WANT to. Nobody has everything but we can share our better aspects to help balance out everybody. But I'm stuck. The reason I haven't cheated or anything going on that direction is I don't want to betray anyones trust I don't want to lie or sneak it's scummy. And I KNOW this is something my partner will not be happy about and may even completely reject. I don't want to do anything to rock the boat and complicate things but if I'm not open about this I'm afraid I'll wake up in a bitter relationship someday realising id lied to myself the entire time. How can i approach her I know it will hurt no matter what shell think she's not good enough but the point is nobody is but I still want to know I'll always have her and our amazing family and be true to myself too advice help anything please
 
You love her; she loves you.

But opening up even the possibility of polyamory would fundamentally change your marriage, likely ending it. This would remain true even if it turned out that she was harboring similar thoughts & feelings. This is because the foundation upon which that relationship rests is now partially invalid.

And once the question is aired, the two of you cannot simply go back to the way you were. You will continue thinking about it, fantasizing; she will begin to doubt you, become watchful, suspicious, perhaps be less affectionate.

You need to by accepting that, if you proceed, you are probably bringing an end to the marriage, & hurting someone whom you profess to love.
 
But if I'm not honest and just stay as things are I'm afraid of pent up resentment for time never really being myself and unless I am who I think I am then how can she or anyone else really love me if I've never been myself ? If that's the case should I just accept life's messy and say coming clean now saves years of wondering?
 
There are many different types of non monogamy. Polyamory may not be exactly what you want. Have a look at some other options before discussion with your wife. It would also be interesting to know what she wanted.

Not sure if it's what you're looking for, but here are some links to other couples who have opened up their relationship.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

If I'm not open about this I'm afraid I'll wake up in a bitter relationship someday realising I'd lied to myself the entire time.

At this time? You are lying to yourself and keeping things about yourself secret. Not really being forthcoming with your spouse. You are suffering. You seem to realize it.

How can i approach her? I know it will hurt no matter what

Could accept that it will be a hard conversation and just get on with it anyway.

Could be brave, lean into it rather than away from it. Sort out what needs sorting.

I still want to know I'll always have her and our amazing family and be true to myself too. Advice help anything please

Be ok with the relationship shape changing. Because you are not happy in the current relationship shape.

Maybe it changes because you communicate more and stay married. Maybe you guys are ok being in a middle space. If she can be Open enough to hear about your poly thoughts and feelings so you are not bottled up and the marriage is Open enough for you that way. But you don't date and remain Closed so it is Closed enough for her that way.

Maybe it changes because you communicate more and choose to disband. Say she's not up for poly and you guys end the part that doesn't work -- the marriage. Where's the family going? You are not able to be good exes and friends to each other? And good coparents to the children? Then you are both free to find more compatible spouses while still raising your family. Isn't that better than continuing in an ill-fitting marriage (you) or being kept in the dark (her)?:confused:

You are not going to find out what is possible or not possible here unless you actually talk to your spouse.

So have the conversations you need to have.

NOT talking? That's letting her think she has a certain kind of marriage when really it isn't that at all. And keeping you stuck feeling/stifled.

How is that you doing kind/loving behavior toward either of you? :(

Galagirl
 
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I think a couple of important questions you need to ask yourself first are...

1. If she rejects it, are you ok with that?

2. Are you willing to end your marriage even if you agree not to pursue poly?

Coming from someone in your wife's shoes, I can assure you it can be devastating to hear that your spouse of 5 years (in my case 16) isn't satisfied with your relationship. Her world we be tuned upside down. Now, I understand you not wanting to resent her down the line, but do you want her to resent you?

This topic on the this site comes up pretty often. And generally, being the first be who cautions against coming out to a long term spouse when you're confident it will devastate him/her, my advice isn't taken too kindly. But the reality is, this is what is likely to happen. The burden of still loving a man who turned out to be completely different than what he displayed is not on her. It might be seen as a betrayal of sorts. You're not lying to yourself be keeping this to yourself if you acknowledge it within you. You don't need her validation to be who you are (that's codependency), but you do need her consent to act on it if your marriage is to continue. I'm not saying don't do it, but the "she needs to love the 'real me' " excuse is a bit disrespectful, as you'd be placing the burden on her. Just think long & hard. You know her far better than any stranger on the internet does.
 
Then after a while I saw myself having feelings for other girls not an overwhelming drop everything and run to the hills type but just an honestly caring love for them.
Do you currently have close female friends? Does it work for you and your wife? If not, do you believe it could be sustainable and helpful?
 
I've been doing a bit of introspection lately, and being honest with myself, and looking at past relationships. I don't think I'm really satisfied with my partner, nor her with me.

We've been together 5 years. I love adore and respect her, she's the mother of our beautiful child. I've no desire to leave her.

But I also feel neither can offer the other entirely what the other needs. Looking back I think that's been the case with everyone I've been with. At first I wondered if I was just being selfish, full of desire and lust of others, so I distanced myself from these disruptful thoughts.

Then after a while I saw myself having feelings for other girls. Not an overwhelming "drop everything and run to the hills" type, but just an honestly caring love for them. And I never admitted it, or said anything or did anything to ever provoke action, and even avoided interaction out of fear i might lose control of myself.

At this point I was certain I wasn't just selfishly lusting for others, because of the festering feelings and my own restraint. But after attempting to become more gender aware, I came across the word polyamory, which I looked into a little.

I realised I think I'm honestly capable of loving multiple people, and WANT to. Nobody has everything, but we can share our better aspects to help balance out everybody.

But I'm stuck. The reason I haven't cheated. or anything in that direction is, I don't want to betray anyone's trust. I don't want to lie or sneak. It's scummy.

And I KNOW this is something my partner will not be happy about, and may even completely reject. I don't want to do anything to rock the boat and complicate things, but if I'm not open about this I'm afraid I'll wake up in a bitter relationship, someday realising I'd lied to myself the entire time.

How can I approach her? I know it will hurt. No matter what, she'll think she's not good enough. (But the point is, nobody is.) But I still want to know I'll always have her and our amazing family, and be true to myself too.

Advice, help, anything, please?

You have a lot of concerns and insights and fears. I broke your long venting paragraph down into separate thoughts to clarify the areas.

What makes you think your wife might also not be satisfied with your love alone?

You can't guarantee she will get on board with polyamory. There is a chance she might end up leaving you.

You need to decide what is more important. Remain frustrated, bending yourself into another (false) shape to keep the the relationship "as is," or coming clean and telling your wife about who you really are, and letting the chips fall where they may.
 
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Hi, CTF's suggestions make sense to me. There is a thread titled "Is it irresponsible to tell someone in a poly/mono relationship "it can work"?" that explores this issue. The thread was created as a spin off from this thread where the author poses the question of whether poly-bombing his wife may have killed his relationship.

I'd say that the majority of us would like openess and transparency including a discussion about non monogamy if that's what our partner wanted. But it's clear to me that not everybody thinks like I do and there are people out there who can be seriously hurt by a suggestion like this from their partner, especially if the discussion triggers the beginning of a drastic change in your relationship. In the end, like CTF said, you will know your partner's reaction better than a whole bunch of internet strangers.

Best wishes,
Shaya.
 
Hi Otternk,

I'm sorry to say this, but I don't know of any safe method for coming out to your spouse. The two of you might end up breaking up over this issue, that's a fact. The only way I can think of to start the conversation is to say, "Honey, I think I'm able to love multiple people, and I want to." And you may want to do some thinking about what it means to love multiple people. Does it mean having sex with them? What else does it mean?

You are in a difficult spot. I don't envy you.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
My husband DarkKnight and I had been together for over 5 years when the poly bomb hit our relationship. However, I don't think it took either of us by surprise, as we had been struggling with sexual compatibility for a while - I need it soooo much more than he does! We went through a lot of work-arounds but nothing helped me to want it less, or be satisfied with what I was given. :) When he suggested poly might be the answer, I was flummoxed, but it kinda made sense because we had been working together as a team to find a solution for so long.

Thankfully, the idea resonated with me, and I quickly jumped into this new world. Now I can't imagine not being poly. It's definitely part of my personal identity, and it means a lot more than just sex for me. My husband was chill AF and we really didn't experience any bumps at all, even though he decided he personally wanted to remain monogamous. When I met my second husband, PunkRockAwesomesauce, and we all started cohabitating, there were a few issues, but our polycule has gelled nicely.

We have had a lot of issues over the years when I am swinging or dating - PunkRock has a much more difficult time of things than DarkKnight. I am quite sure if he had been my husband first, he would not have suggested poly as a solution.

You really need to be ready for your relationship to end - in a way, it already has - because either you will be separating or a new way of being will begin. You need to come out with it, honestly. I think you will feel better, regardless of the outcome. I am not sure your spouse will, but I know I would rather know, than not, that my partner was unhappy with the current arrangement.
 
You could try to broach the subject of polyamory or non monogamy (the IDEA of an open relationship, swinging) in general terms first, before making it personal or suggesting it's a course you'd like to follow, and gauge your wife's reaction that way. One way to do this would be to show her some articles or news stories on the subject, or play the "free pass" games, then expand that into a conversation using the "what if---" hypothetical method.

Perhaps she might be more amenable to the idea that you suspect, especially if she feels you have issues or she's not getting all she needs from your relationship. But beware of reading too much into her initial response - whichever way it goes. She may hypothetically agree that poly is fine and ethical for some people, just not for you/her own relationship... or she may freak out at the mere mention of it, while secretly she's been fantasising about sex with others and feeling guilty about it. The diversity and unpredictability of human emotions can really be quite extreme.

However, if the idea has never occurred to her, if she's never even heard of poly before, or you have a very young child/baby and your wife is already stressed, sleep deprived or otherwise in a vulnerable state, then you'll need to reassess whether now is the right time to bring up the subject. As the others have said, you run the risk of causing irreparable harm to your marriage, but also harm to your partner's psyche and self esteem if it's not handling with immense tact and timing.
 
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