Coming out to family

reflections

reflections

New member
Hello everybody!

I've read a number of coming out threads on this site, but I was hoping for some more specific advice related to my situation, if people are willing to provide it. :)

A bit of background: Jack and I have been dating for 5 years now in a LDR and good friends for a lot longer. We've become more serious over the last 2 years and consider each other life-long partners, as Roger and I do. He and Roger have also been good friends for many years. We've come out to several mutual friends in the last couple of years, and it's gone quite positively.

The three of us plan to move in together this winter and are feeling good about moving forward in the next several months (having conversations about what that will look like, reading articles on it, finances, chores, sleeping arrangements, etc.). I know moving in together doesn't work for every polycule, but I think it will work well for us.

Jack is currently living with his parents while he's in school and hasn't yet come out to them. His parents are pretty religious and conservative, and I've known them for years too. He's close with them, and I think they really like me, so that helps. :D They also know and seem to really like Roger.

Jack has decided to come out to his parents about our relationship in the next few weeks and asked me to be there to be able to explain how this isn't cheating, it's completely ethical, so on. I'm completely supportive of whatever he thinks is best (so is Roger). The focus will be on sharing that we're dating (and they know I'm married) and perhaps the three of us living together this winter. He's currently identifying as mono, so I doubt any discussion of that coming up. And if I choose other partners in the future, it's not their business anyway.

Jack and I aren't worried that they will kick him out of the house or anything - in fact, Jack thinks it will go pretty well. But he's a half-glass-full kinda guy, and I'm preparing for more of a upset reaction (which is completely reasonable IMO, they haven't had the time to process this like we have, and they probably won't understand at first). They have a pretty healthy family structure, from what I know, so I can't see this being explosive.

I'm okay with them feeling upset/hurt/confused/angry when they first learn of our relationship (mainly because of their beliefs about marriage from religious teachings, not related to me per se), and I know we could present it "perfectly" and they could still feel upset. (And that we're not responsible for them feeling upset). It's more about Jack and me trying to do the best job we can to present it in a way that they might be open, and then giving them the space for them to manage their own reactions (and Jack to be available to answer other questions as needed). In a lot of ways, it feels parallel to gay/lesbian/bi/trans individuals coming out to their families, and I think there's a different flavor to coming out as poly when you're still living at home.

We're in the process of figuring out the logistics of it - plan to leave the house after coming out to give them space to process, get a hotel room that night, figure out if he talks first and then I come in, or if he and I both talk to them together, etc. We'd like to balance between being direct and upfront, without making it to be a huge deal or super overwhelming. Any other considerations?

So I'm looking for advice about how to have the conversation. If other people have similar experiences, I'd love to hear them. Thanks in advance! :eek:
 
Just my gut reaction, but I think if I were in his parents shoes, and I had the potential to feel even remotely negative, I think the situation would be exacerbated by your presence. I might feel comfortable expressing my emotions in front of my son, but it would undoubtedly be harder to feel able to do that in front of my son's (new, to me) partner who I might suddenly feel a bit unsure of. Does that make sense? I know when I get unexpected news I can be a little thrown, and that sometimes my first reactions to perceived change can seem negative. Usually given time to collect myself, and space to ask questions when I am ready, I end up feeling more positive.

So I guess in his shoes I'd opt to tell them myself, without you there, but maybe ask that you be contactable by phone in case they had any special questions for you (I strongly doubt hearing you say you're married and it's all above board will be any different to him saying you're married and it's all above board to be honest, but they might have other questions that can't be easily anticipated in advance). I would also be flexible about hanging around afterwards, as oftentimes questions only come later when you've processed the immediate information. So I'd make a provisional plan to stay with them that evening, but have you on standby as a back-up in case they take it badly, or request space.

Whatever he settles on, I hope it goes well!
 
Here is what I hear are the goals:

  • presenting it in a way that they might be open to hearing
  • giving them the space for them to manage their own reactions

Any thought to neutral location? Because doing it in the shared home is not neutral turf. They have nowhere to retreat to emotionally if it happens there. Where a neutral but quiet place like a park gives them the out -- to go home to process and have some space. YKWIM?

Jack could also give them the heads up that he plans to move out and go live with you and Roger.

Then they have time to get their thoughts together on all that. Including if they even want to know at this time what the relationships is between you all or not. They can opt in or opt out to meeting with you and Jack together for further clarification. if they do want to go deep now, cool. If they don't want to right now, they can be "Ok you are moving out then" and leave it on that level for now.

Hope it goes well though!

Galagirl
 
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Thanks for the really thought-provoking questions, tenK and GalaGirl!

tenK, I tend to agree with you about him sharing first and having me around for backup as needed. When I think about coming out to my family, I certainly can't imagine him being there the moment I tell them. Have them meet/talk later? Yes, but in the moment, I could imagine how stifling that might feel to my parents. I'll certainly follow up with Jack and see why he felt strongly that I was present.

GalaGirl, I hadn't thought about a neutral location. His parents are pretty much homebodies, so I assumed it would be at their home and then we would leave to give them space. But I do wonder if a neutral spot is more ideal, so they have some degree of freedom to leave to process. I think my concern there is asking them to go to the park would be an odd request and they may freak even more thinking we have some huge news to tell them (which I know we do, but it's not like I'm pregnant or we're cheating, which Roger said they will probably assume at first! :p).

I also wonder what it might be like for him to simply tell him he's moving out to live with us. They know he is good friends with us, so there may not be any follow-up questions. But I think his hope is to come out completely to them, so that in the future, he can invite me to family events/holidays (assuming they are open to that). You may be right though - instead of sharing everything at once, it could be easier to share bits and pieces as they adjust, or allow them to ask additional questions as they feel comfortable doing.

I plan to talk to Jack about all of this and show him this thread. Thanks for the well-wishes - it's a pretty lovely stage in our relationship to be planning all this, regardless of how it goes! :) Additional thoughts are welcome!
 
Hi reflections,

I suppose I'll advise to keep it short and simple. Maybe start with, "Chrissy and I are dating." Field questions about that, and if it can be somewhat resolved during that sit-down, then move on to, "I'm moving in with Chrissy and Roger this winter." Field questions about that, somewhat resolve if possible.

I agree with tenK that this is a talk for Jack to have alone with his parents, though it's a good idea for you to be available if the parents want to talk to you. If the folks pitch a fit, be ready to say, "You're upset. I don't blame you. Let's take a timeout and resume later." You'll have to use your good judgment on if and when to walk away.

Let us know how it goes if you're willing.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks, Kevin, for the feedback. I absolutely agree with the short and simple, to the point kinds of statements, as well as giving them space to ask questions before telling them about moving in. Depending on their reaction, the moving in part might be better saved as a later conversation to give them some time.

It's helpful to know that you agree with tenK about him sharing on his own, while having me around as needed. I'd like to support him in any way that I can, and it'll be his choice at the end of the day, but I do wonder how that might be a different dynamic than if I were present. I don't want to intrude on their processing.

All great things to think about! Thank you!
 
No prob. Much luck to you.
 
When my guys each told their families about me being poly and explaining our living situation, I was not present. It was a very good thing, because my husband DarkKnight thought things would go smoothly, but it was anything but easy. His mother would not speak to me for months and lots of terrible, negative, hateful things were said about me by her. She staged an "intervention" about six months later, actually, to try and get DarkKnight to admit this was not a good situation. By that time things had calmed down a bit and it had the opposite effect - she came to realize everything was ok for us, and she has since come to our house for dinner with both my husbands present.

My husband PunkRock told his father that I was already married over the phone, and he was grudgingly accepting of it. The information was not shared with his stepmom, as everyone agrees her ignorance is bliss.

I would counsel not being present. It was certainly easier for me, without having to hear all the trash talk in person.
 
Thanks for the response, Bluebird. I follow your blog on a daily basis (it's fantastic!), but I had forgotten about that awful intervention that DarkKnight's family tried to pull. Goodness, what an example of how badly things could go with family.

I would hate for Jack to face that on his own, if they turned angry and hateful (like I have heard from other posters on here!), but it would be awful to see his parents like that. Something to think about.

Bluebird, may I ask why you all have decided not to come out to step-mom, if you're comfortable with sharing? I'm in the process of coming out to Jack's family, but also have the intent of coming out to my family and Roger's siblings (in next 6 months). Roger doesn't know if he'll ever come out to his parents, which I support at his choice, and I'm curious if their ignorance is bliss too...
 
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Well, I feel as though since she is PunkRock's stepmom, that is his call to make. His father and stepmom live a little over an hour away and we see them on holidays, for the most part. She is extremely religious and apparently judgemental to the Nth degree. I have personally heard her make inappropriate racist comments, as well as disparaging remarks about other family members for their choices that differ from her point of view.

She does care very much for PunkRock, I think. When she first met me, she pulled me aside to list his good qualities and why he would make a fantastic long term partner. I agree with all of her observations. :) At Christmas, when he announced that we were having a commitment ceremony, she was very excited but then very confused as to why we weren't calling it a wedding. I would have told her why then, but PunkRock just told her it's what we wanted. Other family members present knew, and they did not clarify to her either.

Later, I had a long message session with PunkRock's cousin, who is our age. She was very supportive and told me point blank that the rest of the family had discussed things and decided themselves that it is not always necessary to tell stepmom everything because of her outdated and harsh reasoning.

Personally, I refuse to lie to her in person directly, so if she were to ask me a question that would have me mentioning DarkKnight, I would be honest. I refrain from saying anything right now, because she doesn't ask. To be clear, I am the worst at keeping secrets but so far I have managed not to stick my foot in my mouth. If it comes out that I have another husband, I figure the fallout won't be anything I haven't already dealt with previously. Right now I feel discretion is better served since PunkRock's father would be the person handling her if the situation is revealed, and he has asked that it be kept quiet.
 
Hmmm...sounds a lot like my mother-in-law, though I love her dearly. :rolleyes: Thanks for the additional thoughts. I also feel like it's Roger's choice to decide if he comes out to them or not, but it's been hard to lie to them for all these years...
 
Thanks everybody for your responses again!

Jack and I talked more and at this point, we're either considering either 1) him coming out to his family this weekend and giving them a week to process before I go out to see him (and seeing if they have additional questions they'd like to ask me and getting a hotel room for the weekend to not impose on their home), or 2) him coming out the weekend I'm there, including me seeing him before and after, but not during unless they would like me to be there after he shares it to them. I'm feeling confident in being able to field questions, as well as setting boundaries as needed.

He continues to see things in a really positive light, which I admire, and I have to trust that he knows his parents better than I do. No matter how it goes down, I am excited for the openness in coming out to our first set of parents (well second, including Taylor) and feeling optimistic with a sense of realism if it doesn't go as smoothly as we hope.

I will keep you all posted on how it goes! :)
 
Sounds like you're going into this with the right mindset. I like "Plan #2" the best, but either would work fine.
 
reflections said:
...
I also wonder what it might be like for him to simply tell him he's moving out to live with us. They know he is good friends with us, so there may not be any follow-up questions. But I think his hope is to come out completely to them, so that in the future, he can invite me to family events/holidays (assuming they are open to that). You may be right though - instead of sharing everything at once, it could be easier to share bits and pieces as they adjust, or allow them to ask additional questions as they feel comfortable doing...
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While we are not "out" to our families - we are not exactly "in" either. When Dude's grandmother died (a sweet wonderful woman, who definitely suspected something was up, but invited us to Thanksgiving dinner and was never anything but gracious), we did tell our families (at the next family functions) that Dude was "officially" living with us. (Implying, of course, that he had been un-officially living with us up to that point.) They had all met him at a family function at our house the first summer we were together. They knew that his grandmother was the only family member he was on speaking terms with. When the next family functions rolled around - he was included in the invites.

By now, four years in, I'm sure that they have figured things out to various degrees. They might talk amongst themselves but are, largely, "live and let live" types. We basically have a DADT policy with our families - which suits us fine for now. If, 10 years from now, someone raises a stink...well, really, what did they think was going on?

So...I guess my point is, it really depends on the people and their priorities. Since this is about Jack's family - it really is his decision, as long as you and Roger are on board. But I think step-wise, really makes sense - and you can take those steps as quickly or as slowly as is practical given their responses.
 
Thanks for your insight, JaneQSmythe. It sounds like that works well for your family, which is lovely!

I wonder if that's the perspective we'll take with Roger's family, after Jack moves in. However, none of us have families where "live and let live" is their philosophy!

I'm really supportive of Jack coming out to his family, as it's his decision, and it will only be a matter of time before I come out to mine. But I think that will be a separate post on its own - setting boundaries with family members that pry! :rolleyes:
 
Update!

So Jack and I told his family about our relationship last weekend...and it went beautifully. They were wonderfully supportive, emphasizing time and time again that they were so happy he was happy. His mom even shared with me that she had always hoped he and I would end up together. :D Neither of them had many questions at the time (definitely stunned a bit), after reassuring them that everyone was on the same page. His mom has started asking more questions afterwards about what our future will look like (e.g., marriage), and Jack has been reminding her that we're still figuring that out, but do intend for this to be a LTR (I mean, it already is!).

Thanks to everyone for the feedback! Jack ended up telling them in person alone and then inviting me inside (which they were totally okay with). Even though I'm not sure it made too much of a difference, I was glad to know they could have their genuine reactions without me being present and not feel pressured to respond a certain way. Overall, it went way better than even Jack expected it to go.

Always nice to share a success story on here! :eek:
 
Lovely! So glad it went well for you :).

I think that giving them time to have their genuine reactions was the kind thing to do - didn't sound like they really needed that BUT still, in my opinion, a nice thing to do when confronting someone with the unexpected.

Happy!
 
JaneQSmythe said:
Lovely! So glad it went well for you :).
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Thanks!! :)

JaneQSmythe said:
I think that giving them time to have their genuine reactions was the kind thing to do - didn't sound like they really needed that BUT still, in my opinion, a nice thing to do when confronting someone with the unexpected.

Happy!
Click to expand...

I completely agree! Seems much more considerate. Glad we planned it out the way that we did.
 
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