"Coming out" to your family & friends

Psyche01

Psyche01

New member
Are you openly in a Poly relationship??

My bf and I have talked a bit about this. He would like to tell his family & friends, which I 100 % support. I feel like we are still new to this, even after 2 years that I would rather be a little "more established" within our relationship. I have a few friends that know and I can openly talk and they ask questions, normally I don't mind but it really does make me feel that we are just so new to Poly there is no rush to come out yet.

How did you go about coming out, how did it go, how long before you were open about your relationship (s)??
 
I wouldn't base coming out decisions on the stability of a relationship, but on my own sense of what is true for me. No matter who I'm involved with, my poly inclinations are my poly inclinations, so that is what I share with others when I choose to. If your decision to come out is based on how secure you feel in your relationship and how well (or not well) your partners back you up, then you've got an unstable foundation. If you feel that you are not ready to tell more people about your personal life then fair enough.

That said, I've never had a "moment" during which I made it my mission to come out to all and sundry. I just live my life and share experiences with friends as always. My poly life is part of my life and I share the details with people I like, select friends and family. It's just something people know about me as we go along in life together. I don't have much fear (if any, really) about people "finding out," not that I live in an easy, nonjudgmental world but because I'd rather live without fear of judgement in general. If anyone wants to judge me, I wish them well and am on my way. Living in a prison of fear & worry is the worst and I left that place a long time ago.
 
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Like you, Psyche, I have a few friends I'm openly Poly with, but I have not come out to my family (minus one nephew, who's just awesome). It has nothing to do with the stability of my relationship (which has been rocky in the past and my family was privy to), but rather my comfort with my family. I feel that some would be supportive (such as my nephew) and others would not. And that's okay. Even if my marriage fell completely apart and we divorced, I'd still be Poly, though many would use the Poly thing to say "see? I told you! Everyone who changes their relationship to being 'open' don't work out" (not true, but you know the naysayers!).

"Coming out", just like with sexuality, it a very personal thing. You can absolutely choose who to tell and who not to tell. I'm sort of ambiguous with a few people who suspect, but I've never confirmed to them. And I think we're all okay with that.
 
Same here, I'm technically ambiguous with a few people who basically know; I've never confirmed to them. For the most part, I'm not open about my relationships (except of course to poly groups like this forum). My companions have asked me not to tell anyone and I am basically honoring their wishes.

If I was going to come out, I would simply start talking about my poly dynamic when it came up in a conversation. I probably wouldn't send out a formal announcement. It wouldn't take long for word to spread around anyway. Some people probably wouldn't like it but that doesn't bother me.
 
I came out to my friends purposefully, one at a time but all within the same couple of days. It was interesting that the gossip train didn't precede me, but absolutely no one told anyone else once I shared the news. I found that pretty great. Anyway, I just sat down with them and told them. Everyone was respectful and some asked more questions than others.

My extended family was pretty bad - we were outed unexpectedly by my sister and a phone tree blew up surrounding us. It's been over a year now though, and everyone in our lives accepts that this is who I am. My sister is still terrible, but she lives 2 states away and her opinion doesn't bother me much.
 
I'm very lucky in that I can be totally open with my family about being poly. I can be open about everything, really. All of my close friends know and many in my social circles know. I wish I could be open in general. Mostly my wife's family wouldn't be comfortable with the idea. If certain elder members knew we might be ostracized. Well, mostly I would be ostracized and told what a digusting, immortal and terrible person I was. My wife would be chewed out for having chosen me. :rolleyes:
 
We came out after about 3 months into Angel's first serious relationship. So about 3 months ago.This was mainly to about 8 to 10 friends and our daughter. The reason we came out, and to the people we did, was that Angel (my wife) and Wolf (her boyfriend) and I shared some friends and we were in a position were we had to either lie or come out and I was never happy with lying. We told our only daugher (24) because thats our relationship. Overall this has been well recived apart from one couple of fairly close freinds who are clearly shunning us, we are not sure why.

Most people don't ask many questions but some do, and I answer them truthfully and honestly but with the same degree of privacy as a monogamous couple would. In other words I don't answer questions about our sex life. The usual question is "so, how does that work" and I say "It works for us" but don't go into detail.
 
I came out to my mother before it was actually a poly thing, when Hubby and I still only had an open marriage (i.e. sexual contact and friendship were okay; deeper emotions and relationships were not). When I realized I was polyamorous and transitioned from FWB to actual relationship with my first boyfriend, I told my mother about the new development. She didn't understand, and kept saying things like "You can't let Guy (the boyfriend) think he's as important to you as Hubby, because that would upset Hubby."

She still doesn't understand, but nowadays when I speak to her, in addition to asking how Hubby and my daughters are doing, she usually also asks about S2 and his sons.

I came out to my father about 11 months ago (my mother had told me not to tell him). He couldn't understand how Hubby could "allow" me to see other men. We haven't really talked about it since.

Coming out to some of my friends was easy; they belong to the dating site where I met Hubby and S2, and Guy for that matter. They were confused, but understood. Some didn't accept it; they're no longer my friends.

Coming out to other friends was more stressful, but I chose some who I believed would be at least tolerant, and put them in a "safe people" Facebook list so I can share things about S2 and that relationship with only the people who know the truth.

Hubby has asked that no one in or connected to his family find out, so I'm careful about what I say to them or where they'll see it (hence the private Facebook list). Hubby doesn't have any friends to speak of...

S2 has told one of his best friends and a few of his friendly acquaintances, and I've actually met those people. The acquaintances didn't react one way or another as far as I can tell. His close friend initially said "Dude, you're going to get shot for messing around with a married woman," but after S2 explained poly to him, and after the friend and I had a discussion about it, he's happy for S2. S2 has considered telling his mother and one or two of his siblings, but is afraid of their reactions, so for the time being he's keeping quiet about it.
 
All my friends know about my poly philosophy as well as my two life partners. If a person does not feel important or safe enough to discuss poly with, they are not my friend - an acquaintance at best. As simple as that. I am mostly estranged from my family of origin, so that does not really count here.

Many of my friends knew about my poly thoughts long before the poly life was a reality, so not much "coming out" there. But, as my relationship with Mark started getting more and more important to me, I wanted to especially come out to certain friends - those ones that I wanted to keep in my life. Others - guess I took a few steps back and did not keep in touch as intensively.

My husband is out to some of his friends, and wishes not to be outed to certain ones. All good.

My other partner is not out to anyone, really. Not that he is hiding exactly, he just has no need to explain his private life to anyone.
 
I base my decisions to come out to others on how comfortable my partners are. I tend to favor being open, but I can get how it's harder for them. So Roger, Jack, and I decided to come out to most of our mutual friends (who were completely accepting and just wonderful about it), and I've come out to a few of my personal friends (who again, were completely accepting). I like answering questions, so I always offer that up if people can't quite understand how we deal with jealousy, etc. We haven't come out to family (yet). Jack and Roger have both said that they don't want their families to know (strong Christian backgrounds) and I support their decisions. I may want to come out to my family in the future, but I'm not that close with them so it matters less to me about their reaction. I imagine when the three of us are living together in several months that we might decide to come out more to friends (and possibly my workplace colleagues). Taylor's family (mom, Taylor's kids) knows that Roger is married and has no qualms about it. Case by case basis for us.
 
"Coming out" to my friends was sort of funny because most of them were either poly themselves or poly-friendly. So it was a kind of "hey ya'll, guess what I'm actively doing now too?"

(and then I ended up dating a couple of them. of course :D)

At work, I'm not out to everybody - but anybody who sits near me or knows me well enough for me to consider them a friend knows that I'm poly. If I were point-blank asked, I would confirm I was poly and hope I didn't just kill my career - I don't think it would. I live in a pretty progressive area.

For family, I came out to my mom first a couple of years ago. I don't live near my family, and we're not particularly close - I go home for one holiday once every couple of years. I didn't tell them about me being poly at first because I really don't tell them much of import about myself ever. But, after I met Jon, and realized that we were going to want to live together and that that meant living with Lora, I knew I had to tell my mom.

Before I actually told her, I semi-outed myself (or at least gave her something to question). We were out to brunch (she visits me twice a year), and she said something about how Jon and I were getting serious, and while she liked him, she also really liked Dan (a guy I'd been seeing more I met Jonathan, and was still seeing). I said the first thing that came to mind, which was "oh, I'm still seeing Dan...", which raised an eyebrow. I told her I'd tell her about it more later (didn't want to have the conversation in a restaurant). So I told her the full story that night.

She took it well, in that she was pretty resigned by now to the concept that I was going to do whatever I wanted, regardless of her feelings (it only took 10+ years, but she's now aware that my life choices are not All About Her). She asked me the following things: 1) Don't tell dad 2) Don't be out on Facebook (where I'm friends with many family members).

I told her Dad needs to know, because he comes to visit me, and since Jon and Lora and I were all going to move in together, we decided that anybody who came over needed to know that we're poly (no pretending that Jon was "just roommates" with one of us to keep people ignorant). She argued (and I really wanted to smack her) that it really wasn't *that* important...it's not like we were all going to have sex in front of Dad or something, right?

(let's just take a moment to all sit with the thought that my mom came up with an idea like that. yeah. she did. and then she said it out loud. to me.)

So I said first of all, we don't all have sex together. Secondly WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?! Thirdly, if, as you put it, it's really not *that* important, then telling Dad isn't *that* big a deal, is it? And I told her that I would be telling him before he came to visit, or she could. She decided to tell him. The heavens didn't open up, nothing bad came of it, as far as I can tell he blinked and said "ok" (my Dad is a rather laid back person; I'm not sure what the problem with telling him was, other than life-long societal censure about non-traditional relationships) and moved on.

For the facebook thing, I told her I would carry on the same as I always do: I don't put my relationship status on FB, I don't write long, emotional posts about people I love, but I do put photos up of me and the people I'm dating (or other people do, and tag me in them), while cuddling, kissing, hanging out. And I do sometimes mention them in ways that a person could discern mean that we're more than "just friends". And sometimes they post things on my wall that are clearly more than "just friends" sorts of things.

So anybody with a brain who looked at my photos or read my wall would probably either know that I'm poly, or have some idea that something other than plain monogamy is going on.

Anyways, for me, coming out wasn't/isn't about the stability of my relationship(s). It was about wanting to live authentically and not worry about tiptoeing around not talking about certain people or having to do a huge amount of internal monitoring to remember what was OK to say and what would be outing myself. Much like monogamous people, sometimes I talk about my significant other(s)/lovers/people I'm dating at work/with family/whenever. I'm not going to share my sexlife, but I might talk about how we went to a great B&B over the weekend. Or talk about how my metamour got a great job offer and I'm really glad for her. Or whatever, the kind of chit-chat people make when they want to say something a little more descriptive than "it was fine" when asked about their weekend.
 
In my case, I knew that my mom was traditional, but that she loves me unconditionally. I thoroughly enjoyed breaking her brain the year we brought her to my gf's for Solstice. My mom got to meet: my girlfriend, her trans husband, his boyfriend and the boyfriend's wife, my gf's three children, and the gay man with whom she conceived the two youngest and shares custody. My mom couldn't get her head around it, but finally concluded that we all seemed really happy and loving, she made sure that my husband was ok with it, and that was that.

I haven't formally come out to my dad. I just don't see the point. I see him a few times a year in another city. I've mentioned "my girlfriend" to him and his girlfriend, but haven't bothered elaborating and they haven't asked. It's not that I worry what they'd think, they're both really open-minded. It just hasn't happened to come up in conversation and I haven't seen any reason to bring it up on its own.

Other people in my life? I use the term "my girlfriend" liberally, always hoping people will ask that question ("you mean like, girlfriend girlfriend?"). They're usually too polite or embarrassed to actually do it, but a couple have and I've explained and answered questions freely.

Basically I find that the easiest way to be "out" is not to even think about it as being something to be out about. Mono people aren't "out" about being mono, they just take it for granted. So I just take it for granted that I'm poly, and that usually shuts down any tendency to treat me differently for it. I don't go shouting it from the rooftops, but I just treat it like the most normal thing in the world. Because for me, it is.

HappilyFallenAngel said:
I wouldn't base coming out decisions on the stability of a relationship, but on my own sense of what is true for me.
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I would also add: the capacity of the person to accept the news.

I don't see coming out as any kind of duty or obligation to be "true to myself" or any hokey nonsense like that. If it's just going to create a bunch of conflict and make life hell for the next 5 years, what's the point? Your parents aren't in your bedroom, they don't need to know.

I guess I kinda figure that if coming out about poly is going to hurt your family, and not coming out is going to hurt your partner, at least your partner has a choice about it. I totally get and accept that some people can't stand being treated like a "dirty little secret" and that's well within their rights, but that right doesn't include pressuring other people to come out but rather choosing to only date people who already are.
 
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Thank you everyone for sharing!!

I should have been more clear about my "stability" We are in a great spot within our relationship but neither of us have another partner at the moment. My bf last partner decided that she wanted monogamy only and thus ended their relationship. My last partner was more interested in strongly dominating and wanting someone that would do EVERYTHING he said, to which I ended said relationship... though I wouldn't even call it that as it was in the very early stages of getting to know eachother. (if that makes sense). So I was thinking of being stable with our other partners. Though now I've been thinking about it and wondering why it would matter. LOL! This is me and this is our relationship.
 
Psyche01 said:
He would like to tell his family & friends, which I 100 % support. I feel like we are still new to this, even after 2 years that I would rather be a little "more established" within our relationship.
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Psyche01 said:
Though now I've been thinking about it and wondering why it would matter. LOL! This is me and this is our relationship.
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So he wants to tell his friends and family, and you have some hesitation but no concrete reason not to. Under those circumstances, I would lean towards supporting him doing what he wants to do.

2 years is fairly well established, IMO. You've both experimented with other relationships, haven't had any major catastrophes. I guess I can understand the draw towards coming out with a complete story with all the bells and whistles, but I don't think that's necessary. Some people might even prefer to know ahead of time, rather than being told "by the way, we've been doing this for years and we didn't think you could handle it so we didn't want to tell you until we had no choice."
 
After 40+ years, our family and vanilla friends still do not know we lived in a poly triad for 38 years and that my wife is a practicing bisexual. We never told anyone nor were we ever asked. We feel it is none of their business and felt no need to inform them or seek their recognition. The fact that I was married led them to not think anything else. My parents are from a very old generation so they probably do not even know what bisexual or ploy means. They never said anything about us being with my wife's friend so often and none of us were looking for their acceptance, recognition or approval. We simply did not need it to be happy. We never told or even denied but we were never asked.

I can see it necessary if you have another loved one who wants to be treated as part of the family. Then you need to tell but none of us wanted to attend family functions so it was never a problem for us. :)
 
Len51 said:
After 40+ years, our family and vanilla friends still do not know we lived in a poly triad for 38 years and that my wife is a practicing bisexual. We never told anyone nor were we ever asked. We feel it is none of their business and felt no need to inform them or seek their recognition. The fact that I was married led them to not think anything else. My parents are from a very old generation so they probably do not even know what bisexual or ploy means. They never said anything about us being with my wife's friend so often and none of us were looking for their acceptance, recognition or approval. We simply did not need it to be happy. We never told or even denied but we were never asked.

I can see it necessary if you have another loved one who wants to be treated as part of the family. Then you need to tell but none of us wanted to attend family functions so it was never a problem for us. :)
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That is interesting for me to read, because I am very troubled that Lora still hasn't told her family about me. There are a lot of facets about it that concern me; one is that (since we all live together) we have a "Nobody comes to the house who doesn't know we're poly" policy. Before the three of us moved in together, Lora's mom & aunt used to visit the home where she and Jon lived semi-regularly. We've all be living together for close to a year now, and I often wonder if Lora's mom wonders why she hasn't come to the new place.

Although I never felt the need for my family's approval, I feel like one of the main reasons that I wanted them to know was in case of emergencies - like if something happened to Jon and he was in the hospital, that would be an awful time for someone to find out.

Likewise, I really worry about Lora's family one day dropping by to say "hi" (they have our address, so it's not impossible) - what would we say/do? If I was home and met her mom and her mom asked me the (very natural) "So how do you know Jon and Lora?" question, I feel like saying "Well, Jon and I met a few years ago and we've been dating for a few years. I met Lora through Jon, and we all decided to move in together about a year ago" would be...not remotely what she was expecting and take a lot of processing.

I really hope once Lora is out of school, she just tells her family, so there's no more worry about someone finding out on the fly and freaking out. Given that Jon currently plans on spending the rest of his life with both of us, friction there would suck. :(
 
I'm with you LizziE, I tend to favor the approach of letting people know. We tell people when we marry someone, so starting a poly relationship shouldn't be that much different.
 
kdt26417 said:
I'm with you LizziE, I tend to favor the approach of letting people know. We tell people when we marry someone, so starting a poly relationship shouldn't be that much different.
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We felt the same as we found that had we wanted to kept it secret we would all have had to tell lies. This would not sit well with the idea of ethical polyamory.
 
I haven't had to lie (yet), but me personally, I'd like to know who all my real friends are, you know what I mean?
 
kdt26417 said:
I haven't had to lie (yet), but me personally, I'd like to know who all my real friends are, you know what I mean?
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I'd really like to know if my meta-in-laws(?) are going to think I'm a mostly-regular person who just has a more complicated relationship with relationships or some evil whorespawn or something in between.

Not that I necessarily see us hanging out all the time, but it would be nice to know if this is going to be a "we know that you secretly hate our daughter and are just trying to upstage her, so we hate you back" thing, a "we'll be civil on the occasional times when we come to your home" thing, or a "there is hope/potential that some day all parents might mingle at holiday celebrations" thing.

My mom would probably be overjoyed to complain to someone else about how I never. do. any. thing. the. easy. way. Never.

(I can hear her saying it in my head)
 
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