"Coming out" to your family & friends

Heh, well, monogamy can be the hard way to do things too ...
 
LizziE said:
Before the three of us moved in together, Lora's mom & aunt used to visit the home where she and Jon lived semi-regularly. We've all be living together for close to a year now, and I often wonder if Lora's mom wonders why she hasn't come to the new place.
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That's a good point. I guess my opinion on the matter is different if not coming out is actually stopping you from living your life the way you'd like. I always think of parents as these people who live in a far off place whom you only see a few times a year. I forget there are people who live down the street from Mum & Dad and see them on a regular basis :p

I really hope once Lora is out of school, she just tells her family, so there's no more worry about someone finding out on the fly and freaking out.
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It would definitely be best for Lora to be the one to tell them, especially when your lives are so intertwined that "accidents" can happen. The odds of my mom randomly coming over when Auto is here are literally zero. Sounds like yours are significantly higher!

kdt26417 said:
I'm with you LizziE, I tend to favor the approach of letting people know. We tell people when we marry someone, so starting a poly relationship shouldn't be that much different.
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Definitely a bigger issue when you're marrying and/or moving in together. I don't think most people tell their parents every time they start dating someone new, so I can easily see how you could fail to mention it when you start dating two people.
 
Yeah ... I guess I was thinking of poly relationships that have become marriage-like. If it's more just a dating thing, then that's quite different.
 
When I told my mom, I was already considering getting a house with Rachel (non-romantic/sexual partner), her other partners, and then seeing if Jon and Lora would be interested. My mom knows that I would much rather have roommates (or co-buyers) and live in a bigger place, than be solo, but crammed in a small place. Even though I was poly for quite a while with Rachel as a primary partner, I never told my mom, in part because I knew she wouldn't get it. As in, she really wouldn't understand the concept of wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone who you weren't married to and/or romantically/sexually involved with.

But when I started seeing Jon seriously, and was still involved with several other partners sexually (who I had much more casual relationships with), I knew I had to tell her, because I could easily say something like "Oh yeah, Jon and I are still dating. Yep, I saw Bob the other night." And she would ask something like "Why are you seeing Bob if you and Jon are dating seriously?" Well, mom, because I'm still having a relationship with Bob. And Jon knows. And he's fine with it. And no, we're all not just crazy, slutty, free-love hippies (which I see nothing wrong with, but isn't who we are, so...trying to get things straight for the mom).

But yeah, if Lora's family lived further away and there was less of a chance of them stopping by, I wouldn't be as concerned about her family knowing. They don't like, like 20 minutes away, it's more like 2 hours. But they do come to our town semi-regularly to go to a particular shopping complex, so it's not beyond the pale for them to possibly be in the neighborhood and decide to stop by.

The other thing I'm concerned about (but I've only voiced to Jon) is...I don't know if Lora's family might be more/less/as upset that she lied and/or misrepresented her living situation for at least a year. I think that most parents (or even people, really) would be upset to be lied to (even if it was a lie of omission or Lora making random excuses for why the family couldn't come to the new place) for a long period of time. If that's the case, I hope that Lora explains to them that that was HER idea, and that the only thing Jon and I had to do with it was that we were aware she was doing it.

Jon seems to feel like her family won't feel like it's a big deal, and that even if it is, it's Lora's thing to decide. While I agree that it's Lora's thing to decide, I really just hope that Lora is honest about the fact that SHE was the one that didn't want to tell them, and most especially, that it wasn't *me* trying to be sneaky or something. I have a lot of concerns about that. At some point, I should probably post about why I'm feeling concerned about Lora's truthfulness.
 
Well, and I know Lora is something of a problem in general ...
 
The idea of coming out as poly after having already come out as a lesbian terrifies me. My family was really accepting despite their religious nature but I don't think they would've that way if I came out as poly.
 
Our biggest shock about coming out was the reaction of a few people. Generally the reaction was very positive with only one real negative, a close friend couple who have since ostracised us. What I did not expect was that we may expose relationship issues for other people.

One very close relative was very negative at first but a few days later deeply apologised and then unburdened themselves with the problems in their relationship and the fact that they were considering leaving their partner and that our happiness and liberalism had touched a nerve, which is why they were so negative at first.

The second was a close friends couple who seemed 100% solid, but one of them burst into tears and later in a private conversation it turned out the partner had been a serial cheater, and they could not see how we (or specifically I) was happy.

They say that polyamory tests the strengths of a relationship, I was not expecting it to test other people's. With hindsight I would be a little more careful about not who I/we told but how. I think we were a little bit too self congratulatory, but on the other hand if you are coming out you need to be confident about it.
 
zigzag said:
Our biggest shock about coming out was the reaction of a few people. Generally the reaction was very positive with only one real negative, a close friend couple who have since ostracised us. What I did not expect was that we may expose relationship issues for other people.

One very close relative was very negative at first but a few days later deeply apologised and then unburdened themselves with the problems in their relationship and the fact that they were considering leaving their partner and that our happiness and liberalism had touched a nerve, which is why they were so negative at first.

The second was a close friends couple who seemed 100% solid, but one of them burst into tears and later in a private conversation it turned out the partner had been a serial cheater, and they could not see how we (or specifically I) was happy.

They say that polyamory tests the strengths of a relationship, I was not expecting it to test other people's. With hindsight I would be a little more careful about not who I/we told but how. I think we were a little bit too self congratulatory, but on the other hand if you are coming out you need to be confident about it.
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I respectfully comment that other people's relationship issues are not your problem, and that how you come out (or become open) about anything should not be curtailed because other people may have a problem about the way it sheds light on their lives. If you're being happy being poly, I'd hope you can just *do* that! Being happy being poly isn't rubbing it in anybody's face, is it?

What you're saying reminds me of a particular situation that occurred when I was monogamous and broke up with my boyfriend. He's the person that I dated for the longest amount of time, and in our group of friends (who were all paired up), we were the longest-lasting couple who hadn't gotten married yet. When I broke up with him, several other people who were in dysfunctional relationships were angry at me because they felt like if THEY were going to stay in THEIR dysfunctional relationship because of the time they put in, the least I could do is also maintain mine. And now that we broke up and weren't going to get married, what if THEIR significant others started getting ideas that it was OK to walk away?

Totally not my problem. I'm not...happy...that my change of relationship shook someone else's relationship...but I refuse to be sad about it either, because if it was that close to the surface, something was going to bring it out eventually.
 
LizziE said:
I respectfully comment that other people's relationship issues are not your problem, and that how you come out (or become open) about anything should not be curtailed because other people may have a problem about the way it sheds light on their lives. If you're being happy being poly, I'd hope you can just *do* that! Being happy being poly isn't rubbing it in anybody's face, is it?
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True, but it costs nothing to be tactful and can pay off big time. Just like you "respectfully commented" instead of shoving your opinion down his throat. Doesn't mean you censor yourself, but it's always nice if you can present news in a way that's easier to hear.
 
zigzag said:
They say that polyamory tests the strengths of a relationship, I was not expecting it to test other people's.
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I'll add to Lizzie's point (that this is not really your beeswax) that if anything you say about your relationship shakes up another relationship, that relationship needed shaking up. We can hear about and observe many different aspects of relationships, but don't resonate with what we hear or observe unless there is something there we're responding to. Nobody can insert upset into another relationship unless the people in that other relationship are receptive.

Furthermore, if your coming out or breaking up brings up deep questions for others, then you are likely just the very catalyst that those people need that sets them on a better road. Yes, they might react "negatively" at first, but check in with them a year later and they likely will be looking back and realizing they're in a much better place. You can't possibly know what is truly best for other people and often what initially looks like a major upset for someone else is exactly the shake up that person needs to re-orient him/herself in a better direction.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
True, but it costs nothing to be tactful and can pay off big time. Just like you "respectfully commented" instead of shoving your opinion down his throat. Doesn't mean you censor yourself, but it's always nice if you can present news in a way that's easier to hear.
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True true true and I totally agree.

But sometimes the only way to know what the "easier" way to present something is to present it and see what happens - and the easier way for one person may be the harder way for another person - and since I don't absolutely-for-sures know the best way to present things to all people, I try to do it in the way the feels the best to me and is also appears to be a "reasonable people would be OK with this" way of doing it, and if it still doesn't go over well...I tried my best!

Does that make sense?
 
HappilyFallenAngel said:
I'll add to Lizzie's point (that this is not really your beeswax) that if anything you say about your relationship shakes up another relationship, that relationship needed shaking up. We can hear about and observe many different aspects of relationships, but don't resonate with what we hear or observe unless there is something there we're responding to. Nobody can insert upset into another relationship unless the people in that other relationship are receptive.

Furthermore, if your coming out or breaking up brings up deep questions for others, then you are likely just the very catalyst that those people need that sets them on a better road. Yes, they might react "negatively" at first, but check in with them a year later and they likely will be looking back and realizing they're in a much better place. You can't possibly know what is truly best for other people and often what initially looks like a major upset for someone else is exactly the shake up that person needs to re-orient him/herself in a better direction.
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Agree 100%, just wasn't expecting it!
 
SchrodingersCat said:
True, but it costs nothing to be tactful and can pay off big time. Just like you "respectfully commented" instead of shoving your opinion down his throat. Doesn't mean you censor yourself, but it's always nice if you can present news in a way that's easier to hear.
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That was what I was trying to say, that with hindsight I may consider how and when we told certain people, although you said it far more eloquently.
 
HappilyFallenAngel said:
Furthermore, if your coming out or breaking up brings up deep questions for others, then you are likely just the very catalyst that those people need that sets them on a better road.
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Or triggers the realization that holy crap, we're horrible for each other, and escape before they waste any more time & energy on a dead end relationship.
 
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