Coming out

mellsey

mellsey

New member
I have a question for anyone who can help.

History first-- I'm in a quad, MFMF, two married couples together with each other in a poly relationship. This is all new to all of us.

Question-- How do you deal with society and people you have daily interactions with?

Example: my boss has noticed a change in me. He says I am under a lot of stress and is worried about me. How do I explain to him, yes, there is more stress, but worth every minute of it, because I am happy with what I have? He won't understand or agree with the lifestyle we have. My job won't suffer, but his view towards me could change.

Also, our families would not understand, but it is so hard each day not to tell them: look, this is what I have and I am happy with it.

I just want to shout it from the mountain top, but know that we will be frowned upon.

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.
 
Well, I'm going through this right now, so I'm probably not much help, since I'm just as confused.

I have a new bf. I've told my eldest sister and a couple friends that he's married and we're in a poly relationship.

Mostly I've gotten curious/good responses from friends, except one, who totally said it was horrible.

My sister has made it clear she doesn't approve, but she is still being supportive and understanding. I don't blame her, because I know she's doing it because she loves me. She thinks the best thing for me is to have the 1 guy totally devoted me. Of course, she is wrong, because I'm very happy with my bf.

He's amazing, and that makes me want to tell more people, mainly my mother, who constantly bugs me to date, so I want to be like, ha, look at my hot sweet amazing bf. But I can't, obviously, because if he comes around, they will notice his wedding ring, which I would never ask him to remove.

I brought him on a big group date with a large chunk of my friends and a cousin. I introduced him as my bf and that was it. Everything went well. We had a great night. But after he left, one friend asked me if that was a wedding ring he was wearing. I said yes and explained. He also expressed his concern for my feelings, like my sister, but also understood.

I've tried practicing with strangers to get better at explaining it. I say it casually, just to see their reaction. Like I'll say, "Oh, my bf's wife blah blah," whatever I'm talking about. Only once have I gotten a negative response, and it was an asshole asking since I was free to date if I wanted to hook up. He seemed to think it was all about sex, which it's not. We have a relationship and care for each other. We aren't swingers.
 
Alhena,

Thanks for your response. I don't care who knows that I love two guys, and that one is married to another person. I want to tell everyone. It is society who frowns on us.

I do not know how my boss will take it. I have to work for this guy for a living. He is about my age and owns his own company. I am worried he will look down on me and think he can not depend on me the way he does now, not knowing.

Our parents don't know either, and that worries me, too. Eventually they will find out. I guess it would be better for us to tell them than for them find out through the grapevine.
 
coming out

Well, it was tough, but I came out of the closet this past week. I could not take it anymore. Monogamy was killing me. I cannot live that kind of lifestyle. Yes, it would have been much easier if I had realized that in the beginning, I know.

I've been married for over 10 years and have one child with the person. So far it isn't looking very good and may end in divorce. My SO has brought up divorce in the past few months for other unrelated reasons. We've always really just been good friends, and not really much more. I have always been faithful, and a genuinely honest/kind person. However, I have not been being true to myself, and cannot do it anymore.

People already think I am crazy because I am basically a raw vegan too. This should really add some interesting stuff to the mix. :D

The minute I decided to come out, I instantly started to feel better about myself. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. All anger, resentment, and ill feelings just dissipated.

Once I spoke up and told my SO, I felt even better than I did just thinking about it. It took me so much courage. It must have been the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life. The anticipation damn near killed me. :eek: I do feel pretty bad for my SO.

So now what do I do? :confused:
 
Breath deep and keep talking about it with people you trust.

By the by, this forum is full up with trustworthy folks that love to listen.
 
Well, it seems to be going a little better today.

The one thing I find everyone has difficulty understanding is that it really is not about sex. That is always the first thing that people blurt out. People really don't understand. The good thing is that my sister has a similar relationship with her husband so I have a family member to talk to about it.
 
wildforager said:
The one thing I find everyone has difficulty understanding is that it really is not about sex.
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While it's true polyamory is not all about sex, don't try to convince anyone that it isn't about sex at all. Sex is generally the big issue. Having closeness with someone is usually not a big deal with people, but when it involves getting naked, that is where immediate, primal, and usually indescribable reactions occur. The one thing I find is that so many people almost try to gloss over the sex when talking about poly.

Be patient and clear. What do you really want from your significant other? Do you love them, or are you engaged in an obligatory relationship for the sake of your child? If you don't love them, move on. If you do love them, give them some time. This is huge!
 
I do love her very much. She is generally a very understanding person, too. However, I can understand that this is a bit shocking. I totally think we could have a wonderful relationship through all of this. From my point of view, there is no reason to get a divorce. We did take a vow for better and for worse. I can totally understand if she doesn't agree with that anymore.

I totally understand if she wants a divorce, and I will support her 100%, but I would much rather stay married and work through it, if she is willing.

Today she asked me if I was dating anyone. I was like, that is a bit sudden. I told her no, but I have met some women that I am very interested in having relationships with.
 
I'm glad you have come out and are feeling better. However, I do feel bad for your wife in this situation. This is a big deal. If you and she don't want a divorce, take it slow and talk everything out. Put off any other relationships for the time being until you get the issues of the first settled, regardless of who you've met and are interested in. "I am poly and would like to be open to others" is hard enough without adding, "And this is who they are and I'd like to date them now."
 
Poly-ism

How do you deal with it? The people that are prejudiced towards you after learning of your relationship orientation of polyamorous? How do you move forward knowing fully well the way people will treat you? What stops you from taking the easy road and just staying "normal"?
 
Hmm...

I am normal. It's them. They are abby-normal.

If they have a problem with my life choices, then it's their problem, not mine.

Just me,
Tim
 
It's like anything else. People will find a problem with something even if you're not "poly", so as long as whatever it is isn't illegal, let them think whatever they think and do what is best for YOU. You can't change the world, but you can change how you react to it.

That is like saying, "I will not cut my hair a certain way because some people might not accept me, or they will think I am [this way] because other people who have a green mohawk or a blond mullet "are" [this way].

It sucks when it's your parents or your boss because those people, their opinions do matter to a degree, but they can either deal with it or you can organize your life in such a way that it doesn't affect your routine.

Having said all that, I am not "practicing" a polyamorous lifestyle at this time, but I do cat rescue, and people judge me for that, so I do know what I am talking about after all.
 
There are very few people I let into my life or develop true connection with. There are even fewer that I care about their opinions of me. I really don't care how most view my life and am more concerned about how those I love are treated. I can be isolated without great impact; it's disrespect towards my chosen family that will get a response.

In general though, I find as soon as people see us together they relax and see that we are happy. If they can't see past their own shit and handle it, fuck them. As long as they aren't hurting my family I'm cool with not interacting with them. If their intention is to hurt my family, then I'm perfectly happy to interact with them on that level, as well. ;)
 
I would say 95% of our friends good friends and about 20% of our family know so far. With our friends, all but one (whom you might have read as they psycho) haven't really flinched when we told them. Most were aware of our previous relationship and want us to be happy. Some are concerned and maybe don't understand it really, but they are supportive.

As for family, I can only speak for my side. One of my cousins knows, and my birthmother (I was adopted) and brother and his gf know. That's it. She's more like a sister to me though, than a cousin. She's always supportive and wants me to be happy. The only reason my parents don't know is I want them to see our relationship is strong and established, especially after just coming out of a long, unhealthy relationship and moving halfway around the world. I don't plan on hiding it from them forever. They've already commented on how much happier I sound and look (while on Skype) now I'm here.

As for anyone else, I really don't care what they think. The kids have seen some affection on all our parts and haven't seemed to think twice about it. Really, their well-being is all I care about besides my loves, obviously. No one else's opinion matters. They'll deal and stick around or they won't, and if they don't, then they're not worth my love and attention.
 
As Al said above, most of our friends know. I have one friend who is a bit silly about it all, especially after her mum seen AL and I out and seen me grab her on the bum. hehe But generally it's been a kinda each to their own kind of attitude. And the kids don't seem to be fazed at all.
 
I'm one of the folks that couldn't care less what others think of me or my choices. I live to make myself happy... not them.
 
Sunshinegrl said:
I have one friend who is a bit silly about it all, especially after her mum seen AL and I out and seen me grab her on the bum. hehe
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Ahh yes, as she said, the "grope session." :rolleyes: Clearly our hands were all over each other at Target.

Ooh, this friend too, last week, asked me how my weekend was. I told her I was a bit sore. (I had been to my first tai bo class the day before.) She right away laughs and says, "I don't think I want to know," like I was about to complain about being sore from sex. Ummmm noooooooooo, don't think so.
 
I am fortunate to have been raised by a mother who would have been fine with it. And presently I have very few ties that can deeply affect me, so I feel free to be completely publicly poly. I try very hard not to be "in your face" poly, but I also don't shy away from it in any situations. I try to play very nonchalant about it but, if I'm totally honest, I have to admit that I have gotten a little charge out of it the first time a phrase like "my other girlfriend" or "my girlfriend's other boyfriend" would come up in conversations with my old boss or other similarly socially conservative people.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
There are very few people I let into my life or develop true connection with. There are even fewer that I care about their opinions of me. I really don't care how most view my life and am more concerned about how those I love are treated. I can be isolated without great impact; it's disrespect towards my chosen family that will get a response.

In general though, I find as soon as people see us together they relax and see that we are happy. If they can't see past their own shit and handle it, fuck them. As long as they aren't hurting my family, I'm cool with not interacting with them. If their intention is to hurt my family, then I'm perfectly happy to interact with them on that level...
Click to expand...

Well said. No sense wasting time worrying about what people who have no bearing on your life think!!
 
I don't think there is an easy road. People will think what they think. You can let the whispers and finger-pointing make you insecure, but keep in mind, you don't take those people home with you. What they think is of no real consequence. The people who know you, who accept you, who love you, they are the only ones who matter.
 
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