When I last wrote, I was dealing with feelings of loneliness and serious depression about my relationship situation, mostly because it felt like the three “branches” of my polyamorous relationship were all failing to show me support in one way or another. I’m in a different place now and, again, I just felt the need to find an outlet to get it out into the world. One of the things I struggle with the most is that I often feel I have no one to talk to about what is going on in my polyamorous life, as most of my friends don’t understand the lifestyle and have a hard time relating to or understanding what I am going through.
When I last left off, my live-in boyfriend, Chase, was struggling with polyamory as a whole. We had initially broken up two years ago, only to get back together with his “blessings” in polyamory… only to have him withdraw the blessings later. At current, he is doing his best to be positive about it. His biggest struggles are with his own self-esteem and introverted nature. He feels he doesn’t deserve friends, let alone other interests (he thinks he should be allowed to see other people, too, even though he identifies as monogamous, which I fully support). But he struggles to have the confidence to socialize with anyone . I try to support him to the best of my ability, although this has lead to rather clingy behavior on his part, and has added a lot of stress to our relationship. I’ve been encouraging him to see a therapist, because I’m struggling to stay afloat and to know what to even say to him. He always says he would never tell me who I can and cannot hang out with, but it’s troubling when he goes into a deep depression because I want to, say, have lunch with an old friend from college that I haven’t seen in five years… because his reaction is “No one will ever like me, I have no friends, I am worthless.” He is in his mid-thirties, but I feel like I’m dealing with someone much younger. When I met him he was independent and mature and had his own network of friends. He’s lost touch with all of them, and refuses to reach out to them. I’m never sure how to handle his complete dependance on me.
Martin and I were in a pretty shaky place when I last wrote, with him having pulled away pretty hard after telling me he loved me in February. Things went on shakily for a few months, when we would hang out, pretty much exclusively at a bar that we were both regulars at, with him flirting, but refusing to follow through sexually or even affectionately, and at the same time refusing to say that the relationship was over (whenever I would bring it up, he would insist that he felt we were emotionally involved with one another). At some point, I told him that I wanted to go on an adventure with him (which we had initially planned on back in March, before things fell apart between us) where we could go hiking and take photographs. He agreed, and promised me a whole day, including an overnight stay at his house (I promised him no sex). It had been three months since we’d last had sex at that point, and since we’d really been affectionate more than a peck on the cheek. There was an odd tone to the beginning of the day because he was more flirtatious than usual. I took him to a high ropes course, then we had a picnic on the beach. We ended the day just relaxing at the house, where I made him dinner, and went to sleep in full pajamas. I did pretty well keeping it together, until mid-way through the night, I remembered that I sort of saw this “date” as an ending between us, and I started crying. I hid it pretty well, crying into a pillow, but he figured it out eventually and we had a long talk. Turns out, he’d been having fears that I was going to ask him to be exclusive, and he wasn’t ready for something that serious, because he didn’t want to lose his sense of self into a relationship. I had to laugh, because I feel like that’s something he has always found confusing about polyamory (it is serious, for me, but I’m also very happy having my space and independence). I told him that one of the things I found most beneficial about being polyamorous is that it awards a greater sense of independence and individuality. We reconnected on emotional and sexual levels, and things have been pretty decent with us, since then. He told me he finally had a “talk” with Katy, to tell her that he couldn’t see her until she got her shit together (aka, stops cheating on her boyfriend with him). I asked him if he’d considered that she might move back to town in hopes of being in a relationship with him, and he said he’d told her that wasn’t something he was looking for. I’m not sure I entirely believe he actually told her that last part, but I’m glad he finally told her to get her act together.
Mid-May, Isaac finally came back to the country. He told me two weeks in advance, which gave me the opportunity to talk to both Chase and Martin and let them know that there was a very real chance that something would develop between Isaac and I, and I wanted to gage their comfort levels. Chase was obviously pretty apprehensive, but did not say no. Martin took it in good stride, although this was before we really reconnected as in my above paragraph), with a “I can’t expect that you would let me have my cake and eat it to, but never let you have your own piece,” metaphor.
Isaac and I reconnected like an explosion. That first hug was so long and so contenting, and it was just lightning bolt after lightning bolt for us. The first few meet ups we had went very well, but since we’d only connected VERY briefly before he’d left for another country, we’d never really had conversations in the past about our expectations for one another. This culminated one night when I was at a bar after work (my regular bar that I go to with Martin, although he wasn’t there at the time). Isaac wanted to call me, and was upset that I couldn’t answer my phone (which is broken), but texted him to let him know that I wasn’t available. He didn’t like the vagueness (which hadn’t even occurred to me), and when I checked my phone next, it was to a slew of texts telling me how upset he was. So, I told him we needed to have a talk.
The next time I saw him, we had an absolutely AMAZING conversation. We were sitting on a floating dock by a lake, in beautiful sunshine, and I just very openly told him all about myself and polyamory and what I expected out of a relationship with him. He said it was like seeing me for the first time. He hadn’t wanted exclusivity, but admitted that his usual style is an emotional connection with one person and casually sexual relationships with others… multiple emotional relationships was new, and a little scary, to him, but in listening to me talk, he really seemed to understand how this is WHO I AM and that it is such a huge part of my personality. We also were able to discuss smaller needs that we both had, such as how often we were in contact when we weren’t in person (he’s very intense in person, and very distant when not), his needs to be by himself, and my need for him to occasionally check in, and come to very real compromises about what to expect from one another. It felt SO GOOD and it’s really the first relationship that I’ve had where I feel like we are both open and honest and very straight forward with one another, and not having to deal with all of the bullshit feels soooooooooooo good. Chase and Martin, both, tend to say things based on how they THINK I will react.
Anyway, that brings me up to now. I’ve been generally a much more fulfilled and happy person, now that things are (mostly) better with Martin, Isaac is back in my life, and Chase and I are working on trying to stabilize our relationship.
Right now, Chase is really struggling with his esteem and confidence. He did go to the birthday of a girl he felt a connection with, after working with her for a few days, and asked me for advice on giving her a gift that showed he cared but wasn’t too creepy. I was proud of him for that, and we talked about how he feels strange about that part of himself being “opened up” again after four years in a relationship with me. However, he doesn’t have her phone number and that interaction basically died off, and he hasn’t pursued it in any way. He’s fallen back into the “I’m worthless,” loop, and I’m doing my best to support him while also trying not to enable him. It’s hard to find a balance.
(continued in comments - didn't realize there was a character limit!)
When I last left off, my live-in boyfriend, Chase, was struggling with polyamory as a whole. We had initially broken up two years ago, only to get back together with his “blessings” in polyamory… only to have him withdraw the blessings later. At current, he is doing his best to be positive about it. His biggest struggles are with his own self-esteem and introverted nature. He feels he doesn’t deserve friends, let alone other interests (he thinks he should be allowed to see other people, too, even though he identifies as monogamous, which I fully support). But he struggles to have the confidence to socialize with anyone . I try to support him to the best of my ability, although this has lead to rather clingy behavior on his part, and has added a lot of stress to our relationship. I’ve been encouraging him to see a therapist, because I’m struggling to stay afloat and to know what to even say to him. He always says he would never tell me who I can and cannot hang out with, but it’s troubling when he goes into a deep depression because I want to, say, have lunch with an old friend from college that I haven’t seen in five years… because his reaction is “No one will ever like me, I have no friends, I am worthless.” He is in his mid-thirties, but I feel like I’m dealing with someone much younger. When I met him he was independent and mature and had his own network of friends. He’s lost touch with all of them, and refuses to reach out to them. I’m never sure how to handle his complete dependance on me.
Martin and I were in a pretty shaky place when I last wrote, with him having pulled away pretty hard after telling me he loved me in February. Things went on shakily for a few months, when we would hang out, pretty much exclusively at a bar that we were both regulars at, with him flirting, but refusing to follow through sexually or even affectionately, and at the same time refusing to say that the relationship was over (whenever I would bring it up, he would insist that he felt we were emotionally involved with one another). At some point, I told him that I wanted to go on an adventure with him (which we had initially planned on back in March, before things fell apart between us) where we could go hiking and take photographs. He agreed, and promised me a whole day, including an overnight stay at his house (I promised him no sex). It had been three months since we’d last had sex at that point, and since we’d really been affectionate more than a peck on the cheek. There was an odd tone to the beginning of the day because he was more flirtatious than usual. I took him to a high ropes course, then we had a picnic on the beach. We ended the day just relaxing at the house, where I made him dinner, and went to sleep in full pajamas. I did pretty well keeping it together, until mid-way through the night, I remembered that I sort of saw this “date” as an ending between us, and I started crying. I hid it pretty well, crying into a pillow, but he figured it out eventually and we had a long talk. Turns out, he’d been having fears that I was going to ask him to be exclusive, and he wasn’t ready for something that serious, because he didn’t want to lose his sense of self into a relationship. I had to laugh, because I feel like that’s something he has always found confusing about polyamory (it is serious, for me, but I’m also very happy having my space and independence). I told him that one of the things I found most beneficial about being polyamorous is that it awards a greater sense of independence and individuality. We reconnected on emotional and sexual levels, and things have been pretty decent with us, since then. He told me he finally had a “talk” with Katy, to tell her that he couldn’t see her until she got her shit together (aka, stops cheating on her boyfriend with him). I asked him if he’d considered that she might move back to town in hopes of being in a relationship with him, and he said he’d told her that wasn’t something he was looking for. I’m not sure I entirely believe he actually told her that last part, but I’m glad he finally told her to get her act together.
Mid-May, Isaac finally came back to the country. He told me two weeks in advance, which gave me the opportunity to talk to both Chase and Martin and let them know that there was a very real chance that something would develop between Isaac and I, and I wanted to gage their comfort levels. Chase was obviously pretty apprehensive, but did not say no. Martin took it in good stride, although this was before we really reconnected as in my above paragraph), with a “I can’t expect that you would let me have my cake and eat it to, but never let you have your own piece,” metaphor.
Isaac and I reconnected like an explosion. That first hug was so long and so contenting, and it was just lightning bolt after lightning bolt for us. The first few meet ups we had went very well, but since we’d only connected VERY briefly before he’d left for another country, we’d never really had conversations in the past about our expectations for one another. This culminated one night when I was at a bar after work (my regular bar that I go to with Martin, although he wasn’t there at the time). Isaac wanted to call me, and was upset that I couldn’t answer my phone (which is broken), but texted him to let him know that I wasn’t available. He didn’t like the vagueness (which hadn’t even occurred to me), and when I checked my phone next, it was to a slew of texts telling me how upset he was. So, I told him we needed to have a talk.
The next time I saw him, we had an absolutely AMAZING conversation. We were sitting on a floating dock by a lake, in beautiful sunshine, and I just very openly told him all about myself and polyamory and what I expected out of a relationship with him. He said it was like seeing me for the first time. He hadn’t wanted exclusivity, but admitted that his usual style is an emotional connection with one person and casually sexual relationships with others… multiple emotional relationships was new, and a little scary, to him, but in listening to me talk, he really seemed to understand how this is WHO I AM and that it is such a huge part of my personality. We also were able to discuss smaller needs that we both had, such as how often we were in contact when we weren’t in person (he’s very intense in person, and very distant when not), his needs to be by himself, and my need for him to occasionally check in, and come to very real compromises about what to expect from one another. It felt SO GOOD and it’s really the first relationship that I’ve had where I feel like we are both open and honest and very straight forward with one another, and not having to deal with all of the bullshit feels soooooooooooo good. Chase and Martin, both, tend to say things based on how they THINK I will react.
Anyway, that brings me up to now. I’ve been generally a much more fulfilled and happy person, now that things are (mostly) better with Martin, Isaac is back in my life, and Chase and I are working on trying to stabilize our relationship.
Right now, Chase is really struggling with his esteem and confidence. He did go to the birthday of a girl he felt a connection with, after working with her for a few days, and asked me for advice on giving her a gift that showed he cared but wasn’t too creepy. I was proud of him for that, and we talked about how he feels strange about that part of himself being “opened up” again after four years in a relationship with me. However, he doesn’t have her phone number and that interaction basically died off, and he hasn’t pursued it in any way. He’s fallen back into the “I’m worthless,” loop, and I’m doing my best to support him while also trying not to enable him. It’s hard to find a balance.
(continued in comments - didn't realize there was a character limit!)
