Communication after a break up

M

musicmender

New member
I (Jen) was in quad with my husband Brian. The other couple were also married Tim and Sera. We were together for two years. The breakup has not been easy by any means but it has gone well, no ugliness going on. We agreed at the beginning that when one is out we are all out. Mind you when we started dating we all had no clue what we were doing and need less to say learned A LOT. We did not even know what poly was until months into the relationship realized that was what we were doing.
I am in the mindset that we are broke up and so communication needs to halt for a good while of time. I know in my mind I need to process it all and work on me then think about the future. The rest of the group is looking into the future now. They are looking at possible plans two months down the road. I just don't feel that is long enough time to separate that deep intimate love that we all shared and then to just be around each other and not want to immediately jump in the sac. My husband would like to continue communication with Sera. I am struggling with this. He is a over communicator and this is how he deals with stuff by talking it out. I feel I need to respect his way of getting over this but in the mean time it is really hard for me to know he wants to continue the communication. Thoughts? Ideas?
 
Jen, I feel for you. This situation can't be easy.

I'm not sure what I, or others on the forum, can offer in the way of advice however, since you've given no detail about WHY your quad decided to go your separate ways, or WHOSE decision is was to opt out (whether it was a mutual group decision, or one person in particular who couldn't handle it or decided in was in their best interests not to continue).

Without more detail (which you're not obliged to provide here), it's really hard to say anything constructive.

What I will say is this... a common rule of thumb seems to be to go "no contact" for at least a month after a break-up, before resuming contact or trying to be "friends" in a platonic sense... if feelings are still raw and painful, or if there are unresolved issues that don't look like ever being solved to one or more of the parties' satisfaction.

It sounds like YOU need more time than this, and that's okay. Perhaps Brian and Sera don't need so much time and can cope fine with some degree of contact with each other. But if your group's "rule" was "all in, or all out", you may need to communally decide if that rule holds even in the event of platonic relations.

You don't say how you feel about Tim and/or Sera now, or if their is any desire particular on YOUR part to resume a friendship with either of them in the future (or vice versa).
 
All I can say is that I am friends with some of my exes, but only after years of not talking. Continuing communication immediately after a breakup has usually resulted in getting back together for me.
 
The general consensus is that it's best to have a period of no contact (30 days, I think) before trying to gather a platonic friendship from what's left. You need time for emotions to get back under control.

It doesn't seem as if you guys are really "broken up" at all; maybe just no sex? Anyway, no contact for a while seems to be the best bet.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I just don't feel that is long enough time to separate that deep intimate love that we all shared and then to just be around each other and not want to immediately jump in the sac.
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For you.

My husband would like to continue communication with Sera.
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For him.


I am struggling with this. He is a over communicator and this is how he deals with stuff by talking it out
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Is your concern that he will be oversharing stuff about you, or stuff about you + him with Sera?

I feel I need to respect his way of getting over this but in the mean time it is really hard for me to know he wants to continue the communication. Thoughts? Ideas?
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I suppose you could ask him to refrain entirely for X days and see if he's willing to do that. Like 30 days no contact.

Or tell him you want to respect his way of getting over this, but at the same time you want to respect what YOU need to get over this... and ask him if he's willing to refrain from sharing certain topics like things about you, or you+him. Limited topic contact with Sera.

Or if he has other ideas that would honor both of your needs. Like maybe if he needs to get a lot of stuff out, a better person to air out with could be a therapist, relative, or close friend that is NOT Sera? People outside the previous system, rather than a person who used to be in it?

Galagirl
 
lunabunny said:
Jen, I feel for you. This situation can't be easy.

I'm not sure what I, or others on the forum, can offer in the way of advice however, since you've given no detail about WHY He said ultimately could not handle being able to fully love both myself and his wife, he spoke of time was a big factor, and resources. your quad decided to go your separate ways, or WHOSE decision is was to opt out It was Tims decision (whether it was a mutual group decision, or one person in particular who couldn't handle it or decided in was in their best interests not to continue).

Without more detail (which you're not obliged to provide here), it's really hard to say anything constructive.

What I will say is this... a common rule of thumb seems to be to go "no contact" for at least a month after a break-up, before resuming contact or trying to be "friends" in a platonic sense... if feelings are still raw and painful, or if there are unresolved issues that don't look like ever being solved to one or more of the parties' satisfaction.We all had a wonderful "closure" session with our lovers, said our good byes and talked about the amazing experience we all had.
It sounds like YOU need more time than this, and that's okay. Perhaps Brian and Sera don't need so much time and can cope fine with some degree of contact with each other.Brian and I came to an agreement of 30 days no contact but after the first day he spoke with her and texted her (he wanted to thank her for a gift ) he agreed that he will not do it again. But I'm needing to trust that he will not. I feel terrible about not trusting but its hard not to. But if your group's "rule" was "all in, or all out", you may need to communally decide if that rule holds even in the event of platonic relations.

You don't say how you feel about Tim and/or Sera now, or if their is any desire particular on YOUR part to resume a friendship with either of them in the future (or vice versa).
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I feel like with time apart I can be friends but the worry lies wondering Brian and Sera can be just friends.
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
The general consensus is that it's best to have a period of no contact (30 days, I think) before trying to gather a platonic friendship from what's left. You need time for emotions to get back under control.
My psychologist mentioned 6 months, Brain has said no way can he go that long without communication with Sera. So our happy medium that he has agreed to is 30 days.
It doesn't seem as if you guys are really "broken up" at all; maybe just no sex? Anyway, no contact for a while seems to be the best bet.
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. I think we all would love to get together and do a just sex kinda deal but I just don't see how that cannot bring back that deep level of love we all had.
 
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[]I'm sorry you struggle.



For you.



For him.




Is your concern that he will be oversharing stuff about you, or stuff about you + him with Sera?

No it is not that he will be oversharing about me or us. For me it is just a fear of him not being able to end the "relationship" because he may continue to talk with her. I know everyone has different ways of processing and healing. I'm just trying to respect that and be patient.

I suppose you could ask him to refrain entirely for X days and see if he's willing to do that. Like 30 days no contact.
So we did agree on 30 days no contact. He did text and speak to her the day after (wanted to thank her for a gift) though. He has promised me that he will no longer.
Or tell him you want to respect his way of getting over this, but at the same time you want to respect what YOU need to get over this... and ask him if he's willing to refrain from sharing certain topics like things about you, or you+him. Limited topic contact with Sera.

Or if he has other ideas that would honor both of your needs. Like maybe if he needs to get a lot of stuff out, a better person to air out with could be a therapist, relative, or close friend that is NOT Sera? People outside the previous system, rather than a person who used to be in it?
In the last two day he has found a friend to speak to so hopefully that will help. And thank goodness I found this site so I have someone to vent with because I'm about to loose my s**t not talking to anyone.

Galagirl[/QUOTE]
 
Hello Jen,

It sounds like you are torn between wanting to support Brian in his way of getting over things, and between not wanting him to communicate with Sera. You say you have come to a compromise -- 30 days of no contact -- but it seems to me that maybe you're still not happy with the situation? Perhaps a further compromise can be reached? Like, when he does start talking to her again, he just doesn't talk very much. Would that be possible?

Just thinking out loud here. Hopefully you guys can work something out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I guess the question here is who wanted out of the quad, and why, and who wanted to stay in? Let’s face it any sort of quad leads to many flavors of possible veto, and not everyone is necessarily on board with that

Your husband may just be heartbroken and clinging to whatever he can get

~ signed a veteran of multiple quads :/
 
icesong said:
I guess the question here is who wanted out of the quad, and why, and who wanted to stay in? Let’s face it any sort of quad leads to many flavors of possible veto, and not everyone is necessarily on board with that

Your husband may just be heartbroken and clinging to whatever he can get

~ signed a veteran of multiple quads :/
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icesong, I asked just those questions in an earlier post, and Jen answered in her response to mine. (It was Tim who ended it, citing an inability to fully love both Jen and Sera, as well as scarcity of time and resources.)

So clearly the decision to end it had nothing to do with Brian or Sera. Although, having been parties to the initial group agreement to disband/part ways if even ONE person did not wish to continue, they are now paying the price of having gotten involved in a quad with such an agreement/veto clause.

******************************

Jen, like you, I am sceptical of Brian and Sera's true intentions, or should I say motivation for so adamantly wanting to resume their connection so soon after the break up.

Brian's statement that there's "no way" he'd be able to go six months without contacting Sera seems a pretty good indicator that there are still some strong feelings between them... and I'd be wary about the possibility of them going behind yours and Tim's backa in order to continue, if a happy consensus cannot be reached. Even without sex, a romantic relationship can still exist (emotional affair).

The question is, how to guard against this? And do you really need to?

Has any one of you four broached the possibility of renegotiating the original agreement, should it transpire that Brian and Sera want to continue their relationship? Would that be totally out of the question in your particular situation (it seems so from what you've written above.)

Jen, do you generally consider yourself polyamorous apart from this specific quad? Once you heal from the sadness associated with THIS breakup, do you think you and/or Brian will continue in the poly lifestyle i.e. would you be open to finding another partner in the future? I ask, because if it were the case that you got involved with someone else further down the line, do you think you could then deal with your husband and Sera having more contact again?
 
I also couldn't see musicmender's response to luna (about who couldn't hack the quad anymore) since her responses are buried in walls of quoted text (she posted her answers in green).

Making a "rule" to jettison every V in the quad if one person has issues, was the idea of newbies, and a bad one. (BTDT-- when my ex h and I were unicorn hunters back in 1999, we also made a rule that if either of us were unhappy with the way things were going with our unicorn, we could veto the whole thing and dump the unicorn. I did veto, and it was a spectacular failure, to say the least.)

So, Tim can't love you and Sera "fully," whatever that means. And he's a busy guy and doesn't want to attempt to fully love both of you. Maybe he's only got time to fully love Sera.

But it seems your husband Brian has plenty of love left for Sera. Their love has nothing to do with Tim's capacity or time to spend on love relationships.

If I were in your shoes? I'd tell all 3 of your partners I'd like to renegotiate the entire veto thing. Brian still wants you and Sera. You still want Sera? At least for sex? I imagine there is friendship there too, and maybe still love.

You're uncomfortable with Brian still wanting to talk to a woman he spent 2 years loving. A woman HE has no issues with? A relationship HE has time and emotional resources for? It's understandable he doesn't want to let go. It's only the ignorant veto policy, made before you four really understood polyamory, getting in the way.

So the only odd man out here is Tim. He wants to close, go back to monogamy. He will probably find his veto a failure. They almost always are. Brian (and you?) won't just stop loving Sera just because Tim doesn't have time or emotional capacity to love YOU "fully" enough (whatever that means).

(Maybe Tim has time and capacity to love Sera fully, but only time and capacity to have you as a FWB... he doesn't have to love you fully, you know. Poly does not require that all love between all partners is exactly the same. BTW, it also doesn't require quads or triads... simple Vs are much more common. Tim could learn this, and maybe learn to live with Sera loving Brian (and you?) while he remains monogamous, at least until he has more "time" to practice polyamory again.)

I think it's good, however, in light of all the confused emotions around an unrealistic veto, that Brian and Sera have agreed to a 30 day cooling off period. (Forty days is better, speaking from experience, but oh well.)

In that time, you and Brian can hash out feelings about the quad. Tim and Sera can hash out their feelings. Maybe everyone needs therapy. There needs to be an understanding of how 3 people in a quad don't just stop loving and depending on each other just because the 4th person wants out. Tim and Sera's relationship is changed forever. They can't go back to "monogamy" now that she's loved Brian (and you?). It's highly likely she will resent Tim keeping her apart from Brian (and you?). And that can lead to her beginning to lose love for Tim.

I keep saying "and you?" because your post was about Brian's longing to keep in contact with Sera despite the veto arrangement. But how do you feel? Do you wish you could keep talking to Sera, seeing her, dating her, having sex with her? Do you resent Tim's veto the way Brian seems to?

I'm not sure if all 4 members are bisexual and there was 4way sex with touching all around. Were there romantic feelings between the 2 women? Between the 2 men? Or just wife swapping kind of stuff? That makes a difference in the depth of feeling in the whole end game debacle here.
 
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