Communication for New Polyamorists

C

ChrisL

New member
Hello All!

I've been lurking for a while reading and absorbing as much as I can. We are new to the idea of Polyamory for ourselves, but have been around poly friends for a while. We've gotten a lot of good info from them and from resources like this site. However, I'm not finding the exact information I'm looking for. What I'm wondering is advice on communicating. Speciffically with new relationships. I know over communicating is better than not enough, but is there such a thing as too much? Or how detailed should we get with our partners about other relationships? Should we talk about our first in the new relationshps? I know each person and each relationship is different. What have you found that works, or doesn't work?
 
ChrisL said:
Hello All!

I've been lurking for a while reading and absorbing as much as I can. We are new to the idea of polyamory for ourselves, but have been around poly friends for a while. We've gotten a lot of good info from them and from resources like this site. However, I'm not finding the exact information I'm looking for.

What I'm wondering is advice on communicating, specifically with new relationships. I know over-communicating is better than not enough, but is there such a thing as too much?
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Yes.

Or how detailed should we get with our partners about other relationships? Should we talk about our first in the new relationships? I know each person and each relationship is different. What have you found that works, or doesn't work?
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When talking to one partner about another, "less is more," as the saying goes. Of course, if you're married or living with someone, you're going to mention them. (But don't call them, "my first," as you did above. That sounds like couple-centric talk.) If you have kids, you'd mention them too. But don't go into great detail about all that. Let a new prospective partner know you're in a LTR, tell them how you two do poly, any boundaries, where it's OK to meet (at your place, or do you need to go to new person's place, or a hotel, etc.?). Keep it simple. If they ask specific questions and you feel it's too private to share with a new person, or ever, respectfully say so.

Poly can go wrong often by sharing TMI details on either side. Both of your partners deserve privacy and consent.

In other discussions about poly, with a long term partner or a new one, if there are difficult things to discuss, and emotions are high, don't spring a discussion on someone when they are tired or hungry or under a lot of stress from life issues. You can schedule a talk for a certain pre-planned time. Try not to talk more than an hour, if it's a difficult talk. People can get emotionally flooded and lose a grasp on rationality. It's OK to end the talk and resume it later after tempers have cooled.

Feel free to ask us any more specific questions you may have.
 
Thanks for your thoughts Mags!

I really appreciate your perspective. My comment about first was referring to milestones in a relationship, not order or hierarchy of relationships. “I just had a 3rd date and things are going really well.”

In your experience, does your communication differ with regards to a live in partner vs one that isn’t?


Thanks!
 
ChrisL said:
In your experience, does your communication differ with regards to a live-in partner vs one that isn’t?
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I'm not sure what you mean. My communication style is consistent no matter whom I am talking to.

My communication with a live-in partner wouldn't differ than that with another long term partner, other than by more addressing of domestic issues.
 
We're all going to feel differently and want/need different amounts of communication. What matters is that everyone is on the same page about it and desires a similar amount.

I can tell you straight up that many/most people here would likely be horrified by the amount of sharing I do as a hinge in my V. Yup, I talk about sex with both of my partners, including sex and BDSM I have with my other partner. I just generally talk about and with both of them. The exception is if they ask me to keep something private, or if it's something that I consider to be emotionally intimate or personal. And yes, we've discussed what kinds of things we consider to be emotionally intimate or personal.

I just don't really consider sex and kink all that private. We're often public players and then either of my partners could watch, so to me the things that are personal/private are emotional or intellectual.

I am very much someone who likes to talk about stuff. When I'm with my husband, I often talk about my boyfriend and vice versa. They are two of the biggest pieces in my life, so of course it makes sense I talk about them.

The difference is that not only do I have both their consent for this, but we had a very frank conversation about everyone's personal comfort level and desire to know. I would not do this without not only permission but positive responses from both my partners. Most people would want more privacy and I totally understand that.

While I'd be willing to tone some of this back, I wouldn't be dating compatible with someone who wasn't okay with me talking about anything but the basics. I enjoy sharing my happiness and fun times with my other partners. It's like getting to enjoy it twice :)
 
Thank you all for your input. I know communication style is as individual as the people involved, but it really helps to hear from those of you that have a lot more experience and a better idea of what works.
 
Just to give another example of how each relationship is different - I am probably closer to the other end of the spectrum than Vicki82 when it comes to information sharing.

My Dude is an over-sharer and we really had to find a balance that everyone was comfortable with when he started dating (I wrote about it in my Notebook blog here). When he was dating Lotus especially I had to remind him that even though SHE was ok with what he was sharing with me, for me it was TMI that I would prefer not to hear.

I also don't need to hear about every "first" - first kiss, first PIV, first BJ:rolleyes: My baseline assumption is that these things are going to happen, quite possibly on the first date. If he is off at a festival, I certainly don't need an up-to-the-minute update about any chick he is hooking up with! All I really need to know is that, IF sex happened, condoms WERE used. If a relationship gets to the point that he wants to bring them home to "meet the family" then I know things are progressing.

Now, regarding me sharing information with people that I am talking to/interested in dating I am very open about that fact that we are poly and I live with both my husband and my boyfriend. While getting to know a person I am likely to share stories that involve other people - not just my boys, but my friends, and my family of the "we were here, doing this, and then that happened and it was hysterical" variety.

Now, with the boys both living with me, and sharing bedspace at times there is a lot more leakover - if I am having a spat with one, the other is obviously going to know about it. This is actually something that has caused a lot of strain in our relationships. Dude and I are both loud and hot-tempered - so when we argue MrS gets anxious and uncomfortable. When MrS and I are at odds, Dude has zero ability to butt out of things that aren't about him.:confused: Work. In. Progress.
 
For sure- I hope I expressed clearly enough that I feel that my situation is an outlier and generally wouldn't make the majority of people happy. New poly people shouldn't expect that level of disclosure!

I also want to make sure to clarify that it's not just feeding info about one relationship to the other, because I think that's often how people start out. I do not just pass along all the details about my boyfriend to my husband; it goes both ways. And they're welcome to talk about me to their friends or whatnot, within the boundaries we laid out.

Basically, it took a lot of communication between the three of us to work out what would make us all happy. These were not expectations cooked up between me and my husband and then pushed onto my boyfriend.
 
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