Communication Glitch in Triad or?

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BrianneGoddess

New member
Brief background:
I haven't been here in ages and it's been a crazy time for me. Long story short, I've had so much opportunity for personal growth and have been working really hard on correcting all the bad habits learnt over a life time of monogamous and ultra religious programming that left me emotionally rather immature in my opinion.

Current Issue (simplified without too much detail):
I'm in a triad with both my partners being in a long term nesting relationship. We had an incident where at my home they were having a moment together while I was not well. As I felt slightly better and became aware of their need for time and space I stayed in my own space away from them doing my own thing - which ended up disturbing them.

(In the past I used to feel really insecure in this type of space, worrying needlessly and endlessly at being left out. I no longer feel that way due to major growth between all of us in the triad and in the individual relationships AND mostly due to my own work on myself and my growth.)

I felt that this was a way to help me avoid any potential lingering triggers - creating my own space and doing something that brings me joy. They saw it as the same insecurities surfacing and a call for attention in a way that intruded on their time and space together. Huge fight ensued, angry words flung around.

I'm accepting how it looked to them, I understand that. I don't know how to communicate what it really was (when I tried I was accused of lying) and I don't know how to make this right again.

Any ideas, suggestions or angles are appreciated. Any thoughts that I may have missed - anything that can either help me accept that I was totally in the wrong and how I can be more aware of others in my space or confirmation that my bewilderment at the response is not unfounded.
 
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Hi BrianneGoddess,

Your "Current Issue" section is empty, fill that in for us and we can give better advice. I do know that monogamous/ultra-religious programming can be hard to overcome.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi BrianneGoddess,

Your "Current Issue" section is empty, fill that in for us and we can give better advice. I do know that monogamous/ultra-religious programming can be hard to overcome.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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thanks - I added the issue now
 
I am sorry you deal in this.

I stayed in my own space away from them doing my own thing - which ended up disturbing them.
Click to expand...

I don't see how you doing you own stuff in your room is disturbing to them. But ok... it bugged them.

I'm accepting how it looked to them, I understand that. I don't know how to communicate what it really was (when I tried I was accused of lying) and I don't know how to make this right again.
Click to expand...

Sounds like you were in your room trying to give them space and you weren't doing anything mean or anything to them. If in the past you gave them the silent treatment or something and they lept to the conclusion that you were doing it again? They are the ones leaping to conclusions. Not you.

I guess you could say something like...

"I see that you are upset. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to upset you. I was trying a new approach of giving you guys space without any (acting out/silent treatment or whatever used to happen). I am sorry from the outside it didn't seem like anything different to you. How can I reassure you that it is?

When you guys need private time, what would behavior would you like me to do instead so you know this is a different approach? Check in and and say "Hey, you guys look cozy so I'm going to work on my hobbies... see you later at X o'clock?"

Something else?"​

Because shy of you telling them what is currently going on with you? And them giving you some time to SHOW that it really is different?

I can't think anything else you could do. If people want to jump to conclusions the only ones who can make them stop jumping is them. :(

Galagirl
 
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Thank you for your input GalaGirl. I really appreciate it.

Your comments have given me more to think on for sure. As I learn to trust myself more again especially, your comment on jumping to conclusions really touches a spot that I was ignoring.
 
Maybe it was the kind of fight which clears the air, and they will know to expect different next time.

I agree with Galagirl. Maybe, to forego false expectations, you could interrupt them just briefly next time to check whether private time is really what they want.
 
I am making some assumptions based on what you said...

This was in your house? I assume that means they do have their own house.

You weren't feeling well. Did they know that? If so, it was kind of rude of them to be getting what I assume was some form of intimate in your house while you were ill. And then complaining that you didn't join them? Accusing you of being insecure? Almost sounds like gaslighting. Do they often gang up as a couple?

Hopefully I am just reading this all wrong.

Edit: OK, I just reread it and saw they accused you of lying. Stand up for yourself. Don't let this couple push you around like that.
 
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Yelling in a huge fight, and accusing you of LYING when you tried to explain you were enjoying a hobby while they were having sex, and you not feeling well and getting all jumped on like that?

What kind of history do you 3 have that their reaction would be so strong? I can't imagine. I can't even think what advice to give... it just seems like such a huge overreaction!
 
The space you created for yourself ... is it in a different room than the room they were in? I'm just trying to get a handle on what (if anything) they found so disturbing.
 
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