Communication struggles and tips

[JP1977]

I am struggling a bit lately. My wife and I opened up about a year ago and started dating solo about 7 months ago. We have been together nearly 24 years and overall things have been solid and good.

About a month ago, she started showing signs of insecurity and uneasiness. It stemmed from her having some flaky partners and some recurring health issues that temporarily sidelined her. She’s generally been super-supportive of my outside relationships but now is requiring me to check in and run things by her.

This weekend she booked an entire weekend with a new person without running it by me. I get it; she got caught up in the excitement. But this feels slightly like a double standard. I’m 100% supportive of her date, yet I know if I did the same thing she would have been all over me about it.

I think her having a great date will ease the tension, for sure. But what really set me aback was yesterday, on her way to her date, I sent her a really nice message of encouragement. She sent me back a nasty message chastising me for booking something without consulting her.

I feel like our communication needs are different. That is okay, but beyond frustrating, working through my anxious-attachment style. I hope she comes home tomorrow with a pep in her step and a little less tension. I think my approach is something along the lines of, “Happy you had a great weekend. When I’ve had a great date usually we talk about when we will book our next date. I should have been better at talking about what those plans would look like. Here’s when partner x and I are talking about getting together. Does that work for our schedule?”

 

[dingedheart]

hi jp, and welcome to the forum.

IMO, I’d gently address the double standard or standards, starting with a calm sit down and then maybe not so calm, as they occur.

And lastly, start stripping away these agreements and be reluctant to make such agreements in the future, if you’re the only one following them. It’s unfortunate, but some people don’t get consequences until they actually feel them.

Good luck.

 

[JP1977]

Thanks for the input. It’s been interesting so far, as I admittedly am the one who moved faster and unintentionally rewrote rules or pushed boundaries. She’s certainly more domineering and assertive. I’m not a pushover, but I struggle to articulate my voice when there is tension present.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

It’s been interesting so far as I admittedly am the one who moved faster and unintentionally rewrote rules or pushed boundaries. She’s for certain more domineering and assertive. I’m not a pushover but I struggle to articulate my voice when there is tension present.

What happened? Are you saying you got all NRE-drunk, chasing New Shiny People and dinged your wife with poor behaviors?

Or is it like wife wanted you to be a mind reader, and just know her unspoken personal boundaries by magic? What "rules" were broken?

What are your current shared agreements? I don't get a clear sense of what they actually are, but if you no longer agree with them, you can say, "Wife, heads up. These agreements no longer work for me. I'm making you aware I will not be keeping them any more (and/or) want to renegotiate."

Maybe it's a case where you both thought it would go one way in theory, but then "out in the field," in actual practice, the agreements turned out to not to be realistic, reasonable, and keepable, so they need some finetuning.

She’s generally been super supportive of my outside relationships but is requiring me to now check in and run things by her.

What does that actually MEAN? If you mean each of you puts your things on a shared Google calendar and agrees not to saddle the other one with your home chores, kid care, elder care, pet care, from the sky, like just dumping chores on the spouse without even asking and taking them for granted, or if you're agreeing not overbook things on the same day, that might be ok.

But if it means that every time you want to go out on a date with someone else, wife has to say, "Okay, I give you permission to go out on Friday," that's a bit much when you are both grownups. You are responsible for your own time management.

Some spouses end up like the "secretary" for the other spouse. If that's fun for both of you, great. She can schedule your dental cleanings and car oil changes. But she should not be scheduling your other dates for you. You do that yourself, just as you do not schedule her dates for her the other way. So if she just wants to run your whole calendar, because she's used to it, or is overstepping boundaries, you will have to tell her "Great! You can do the dentist and car things but I will set up my date myself." Or say, "No, thanks. I appreciated your help in the past, but I want to be responsible for my own calendar/appointments from this point forward."

You can and should have some personal boundaries with a spouse.

I hope she comes home tomorrow with a pep in her step and a little less tension. I think my approach is something along the lines of “Happy you had a great weekend. When I’ve had a great date usually we talk about when we book our next date. I should have been better at talking about what those plans would look like. Here’s when partner x and I are talking about getting together. Does that work for our schedule?”

I don't understand what that means without having names for people. YOU know who you are talking about, but your readers don't. For ease of writing, I'm going with generic names, "Apple" for your wife and "Banana" for your other partner.

Do you mean that you are trying to make a new date with Banana, but you and your wife Apple don't have a shared calendar where you could just LOOK UP if something is happening that day or not, so when Apple gets home from her time away with her partner Cherry, you want to ask Apple what day is good for you and Banana to have a date?

Something else?

Galagirl

 

[JP1977]

Galagirl, thank you for your input. I realize I was a little all over the place there. Regarding the NRE/dinging/mind reading-- yeah, I put dates in our schedule/shared calendar. This HAD been okay before. I had become conscious about not overbooking. Our shared agreements are trust, respect, and communication. I think we perhaps define that differently and need to recalibrate what the agreements look like.

Neither of us wants to be the other's secretary. Up until recently, booking dates had not been a challenge or met with negative feedback. Neither of us needed permission. But now that’s what it feels like, a little. Maybe it's a step backwards from simply booking dates to now her wanting a check in or have a conversation ahead of time.

Our oldest is in college and the other child a very self-sufficient teenager. My mother-in-law lives next door, so it generally takes a quick call to take care of the dog. There is not a real big list of things to be neglected while we are out playing.

Regarding wife Apple and girlfriend Banana, yes, sort of a reframing, with Apple stating something to the effect of, "Banana and I were comparing calendars and wanted for get together these certain dates. I see nothing in the calendar, but how does this look?"

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info.

I put dates in our schedule/shared calendar. This HAD been okay before. I had become conscious about not overbooking. Our shared agreements are the at if trust, respect, and communication.

So why is it a problem now for you to put your things in a shared calendar? Where is the lack of trust, respect, or communication?

Maybe it's a step backwards from simply booking dates, to now her wanting to have a check in or conversation ahead of time. Our oldest is in college and the other child a very self sufficient teenager. My mother in law lives next door. So it generally takes a quick call to take care of the dog. Not a real big list of things to be neglected while we are out playing.

Is your wife Apple going through some kind of empty-nest thing, and as a result, latching on tight to you? Like nobody needs her for anything anymore with the kids grown up?

Do you two have regular dates with each other?

Yes, sort of a reframe, with wife Apple stating something to the effect of "Girlfriend Banana and I were comparing calendars and want for get together these certain dates. I see nothing in the calendar, but how does this look?"

What normally happens when you check in with Apple? Is she fine with it, cranky, mean? What are her behaviors?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi JP1977,

It sounds like Apple is pulling something of a double standard on you. I think maybe NRE is what is fueling this behavior. In NRE, we don't always think sensibly, and we don't always treat our original partner like we should.

In this case, the double standard is twofold. First, Apple is booking something without running it by you, while expecting you to run your things by her. Second, she is sending you a nasty critical message in response to your nice and kind message. Again I guess NRE is somewhat playing into this, but I still don't understand her behavior.

I hope Apple's latest date leaves her in a better mood.
Regards,
Kevin T.