I'm curious about what most of you do or see around communication (texting, video and/or phone calls) when your partner is with their other partner(s). Do you keep it minimal? Do you communicate at all? Can it vary?
There is so much "it depends" in here I'm struggling for where to begin. I currently live with my husband. Of course I text/call/video other people when I'm "with" him as I'm not going to be held to ransom by him being home even if we're doing different things. I used to text Mike good morning/night every day, while I was lying in bed next to Adam (now we have our own rooms, and it's been a long time since Mike and I communicated every day). The exception is if we're on a date night/weekend getaway, then I let Puck (or previously, Mike) know I'm not available except for emergencies. We haven't been on a longer holiday, but I'd cross that bridge when we get to it. I'd definitely communicate with Puck though, even if it's "on my own time" like when I'm having a shower.
If anyone else texts me when I'm away for a weekend with Adam, I tend to check my phone now and then and reply when convenient and usually with a "I'll be able to chat from such-and-such a day when I'm back in my normal routine." I had a bf back in 2017 who often blew up my phone when I wasn't with him. I wasn't living with either him or Adam at the time so I'd do weekend about visiting them. He'd get a bit huffy if I was on my phone when I was with him yet always intruded on my weekend at home by blowing up my phone. It was one of the things that led me to leave him.
It took a while, but I came to realise that when Puck used to go away with Iris, he'd be totally off the radar for that length of time, be it 1 day or 3 weeks. I asked him about it once and he admitted it was probably more of an unspoken rule, and I'm guessing she'd conditioned that rather than ever made it explicit. They'd been together 10 years when I met him.
Have you asked for minimal to no communication from outside partners when you are having focused time with your sweetie?
I don't ask each partner for minimal communication time, I
tell them I won't be available for anything other than short texts at my convenience, unless it's an emergency. This is my boundary, it's an I statement, and I also choose whether to keep my boundary or not understanding that if I don't, I'll be giving mixed messages that will probably bite me in the arse somewhere down the track.
Murphy's Law, when I went to visit Puck last January (different continent), there
was an emergency (Dad had a stroke) so I spent time calling not just Adam, but my Mum and my Aunt throughout the week when the time zone was favourable. Adam texted me first to ask for that first video call to tell me the news. He'd said, "it's important" but I honestly thought he was going to say that the washing machine had flooded the laundry and he needed to check the insurance details (it was threatening before I left). It hadn't.
As for asking my partner to have minimal to no communication from outside partners during our time, the way we live our relationships that's not necessarily practical. Adam isn't dating right now, so it's a non-issue on his side for partners, but he still has friends and relatives that he calls, but of course not when we are on a date or weekend away. This is how we respect each other.
When I went to visit Puck, I was there for just over a week and it was in the holiday season (January) and he popped home to see Renee and a friend who came to visit them. Once for gift exchange with said friend, which I understood. But Renee also didn't want to meet me at all and seemed to be very needy. She asked him to visit her/do things for her a few more times. On my last afternoon there, she asked him to pick up something from the store. Ridiculous request, and it was a no from him then but it was a yes the rest of the time, and that's on him. We've also had issues before when she's wanted to talk with him while we are on our "date calls" - a longer call we have most weeks that could also be intimate. He had to remind her that his office door being closed means "do not disturb" not "please knock" and she's been better about that this year.
He also went to see Charli for a couple of hours one afternoon during my time there because she was having a meltdown. And she had another meltdown the last morning before my flight home, so I think they spoke, certainly texted, and I was a bit salty she couldn't just put a lid on it for another 24 hours when he would have been completely available. Iris left him alone the entire time. Selene, I met as we all went out for a drink for about 90 mins. Renee was...honestly, weird. But not my circus.
When Puck comes to visit me here, I imagine he'll make some calls home to Renee. Iris is no longer his partner, but she wouldn't have wanted to hear from him anyway. At least she doesn't have double standards about communication when on holiday. Apparently Charli has been doing therapy and is a lot more chill now, so hopefully any calls they have will be her being curious about his experience of NZ, not freaking out about relationship fears. Selene would be chill no matter what.
Is it a reasonable boundary/ask to say "no phone calls from the other while we are having our time together, unless really important, or away from them for a long period?"
That's not a boundary, that's a rule. You're imposing your will onto someone else. Sometimes, that rule is okay if the time together is short. Dinner, movie, sleepover, whatever. But I get you're fishing for if it's okay for you to claim tit for tat and that your meta be banned from communicating with your hinge partner when you and he go on holiday next year, possibly on the grounds that you went radio silent on him after a while while they were away. You could try asking, but remember, only ask questions you can handle a "no" for, or else expect that they will communicate somewhat. You could negotiate with him that he only have phone calls with her when you've made a plan to be doing something else by yourself.
Let me explain. The first time Puck popped home to Renee was about 22 hours after I'd got the news about Dad. He was only heading home for about an hour, so I stayed at our accommodation. By the time he got back, I was all up in my fears and feels about Dad and it wasn't healthy for me. But of course I didn't ban him from leaving me again for the rest of the week. The next day, Charli was so up in her fears and feels about polyamory, he said he really needed a couple of hours to visit her. So we made a plan so that I wouldn't be sitting at home stewing about Dad. Puck dropped me at a strip mall and I went shopping. It kept me distracted, was on my to-do list anyway and that way I could meander, and he texted me when he was ready to collect me a couple of hours later. We grabbed some ingredients for dinner while we were there and carried on with our evening. Charli was calmer, and I hadn't gone into a tail-spin about Dad. Win-win.
What are your experiences and have you had a hinge who refused to accommodate a request for minimal or no communication while during your in person time?
As mentioned above, I didn't have a hinge who did this, but I had a bf who did this when I was a hinge. He's an ex. He was an ex quite quickly in the grand scheme of things.
Before Puck even arrives here, and definitely before I go back, we'll be having more discussions about expected level of communication outside of us. I am reluctant to visit his hometown again as it seems too easy for him to respond to Renee's every beck and call. So I'll probably negotiate that we stay elsewhere, like a different state
. I also won't visit at the very beginning of January again (which is a pity since that's perfect for my work holidays, but it's obviously not good for them after being away for Xmas with her parents). And I suspect when he's here (hopefully this April), Renee will leave him alone more anyway -- it's not like she can ask him to go pick up xyz for her lol. He could likely talk with Charli for a while on the evening(s) that would normally be their overnight date while I go out for groceries or something (time zones will be pretty good for that). Selene would probably be content with photos and texts, and maybe a call but she's apparently not a video call person at all. In short, we will work with the personalities and needs in the polycule.
