Comparing myself to Meta

[BirdMonster]

I saw this post, which is similar to my situation and would like feedback or guidance to process my feelings. Thread: 'New meta is better than me in every way' https://polyamory.com/threads/new-meta-is-better-than-me-in-every-way.156799/

Background- I've been with my husband for 22 years, since high school. We opened our relationship 7 years ago because of his schedule and my curiosity with my sexuality. I think it's important to note that we don't have a "OPP." I just have never wanted another man.

I have been with the same partner for 6 years, and recently demoted the relationship to just friends. So I'm currently monogamous with my husband. During the breakup I struggled with personal insecurities, and at the same time, my husband started dating a new woman. None of this is related, just really awful timing!

I saw this woman's dating profile before he did, because we're on the same app, and knew immediately she was basically his dream woman. Based on her pictures and her profile, she's every single thing he's always wanted from me that I'm just not. She's so attractive in the way he prefers, she's confident in her body, she's active and athletic, shares the same hobbies as him, and doesn't have kids, so she's more of a free spirit. These are all insecurities I've been struggling with from before this situation.

He's been totally silent about her. When I open up about comparing myself, he literally goes blank and silent before changing the subject, which is confirmation, in my opinion, that he agrees she's better than me. I've tried to ask him to date me more, I've asked for a list of things he likes and loves about me, and I've tried just pushing him to react and make me feel better. But everything I try is backfiring and making me feel worse about these comparisons. I don't know what else to ask for from him.

I get anxiety attacks when I think about their upcoming date nights. I literally feel nauseated and can't stop crying. I can't sleep in the same bed as him, and honestly, I'm not sleeping much anymore, either. I refuse to ask him to stop seeing her because I don't want to be the jerk that takes away this opportunity for him to date a potentially amazing partner.

Our intimacy is wrecked, too, because of a few missteps recently. It all hurts so much in every direction.

 

[Evie]

You might not be asking in words for him to stop seeing her, but it seems like every other reaction you're having is doing that without words.

Sure, she's great on paper, but you're probably giving her a little too much credit here. Everyone is insecure about something, maybe lots of things that you can't see from her profile page.

But really, this is more about how you see yourself than about how you see her. Your break up has obviously taken its toll and consequently the timing sucks as you have already identified. Sure, you've been asking for things from him that could give you a boost, but he may or may not be able to do these things. Deep down, you probably know what you need has to come from within yourself. You're literally living the adage that comparison is the thief of joy - so as trite at this sounds...stop it. Go find your joy within yourself and then bring that to your relationship rather than seeking that joy from your relationship. I know this is super hard while you're grieving your break up, and he's dating someone new, but honestly, she could be someone you see as so different to you (like you've seen on her profile) or someone really similar to you, or something in between and right now, you'd still be comparing yourself and coming out second best because it's not about her. It's about you and your sense of self worth and self love.

I'm not sure what type of resource will resonate with you to find that joy and self esteem again. Some people find it in the gym, some find it in spirituality, some find it in work, some find it in volunteering. Basically, you're going to need to find your jam so you can celebrate yourself again.

 

[BirdMonster]

Go find your joy within yourself and then bring that to your relationship rather than seeking that joy from your relationship.

That made me cry. That's definitely what I need to do because I have zero sparkle right now. It's been feeding into my feelings of not being wanted because I'm actively being unlikable.

I've been pushing myself harder at the gym and I like my progress, but I can barely focus on anything else that I normally enjoy. Typically my relationship, making a good home, and being a soft place to land, is my joy and source of self esteem, but it feels hard right now.

 

[Bobbi]

Based on her pictures and her profile, she's every single thing he's always wanted from me that I'm just not.

Maybe, but that's YOUR opinion. What you see on a dating profile tells you not much about personality or who the person really is. She could be lovely, but have no connection with your partner. She may be shallow, unable to have a real conversation, rude to service people, have a short fuse, or any number of mental health issues. I guarantee she's not perfect in every way. That's like finding an ant in a haystack.

He's been totally silent about her and when i open up about comparing myself he literally goes blank and silent before changing the subject.

Yep, I'd be silent too. Your insecurities are yours. It's not okay or fair to him to have to respond when you compare yourself to her.

Which is confirmation in my opinion that he agrees she's better than me.

It absolutely is not. You are insecure with yourself and have low self esteem. That's on you. There's NOTHING he can say or do to make you feel better about yourself. Anything he says to try, you'll internally tell yourself that he's just saying that to make you feel better, but it's not true. He has probably done that a lot in your relationship and knows it doesn't work.

You assume so much, make up stories in your mind and believe them. Your thoughts are your problem, not your partner.

If you want to be confident, you need to decide to be confident. Change the thoughts in your head from all of your perceived faults to all of the amazing things about you. A therapist can help you retrain your brain.

I've tried just pushing him to react and make me feel better.

Does this mean you are finding ways to manipulate him into saying what you want to hear? Like dating with the hope he gets jealous? It's NOT his responsibility to make you feel better about yourself.

If this pattern has gone on throughout the relationship then you are probably negatively impacting your relationship and his feelings for you. People don't want partners with low self esteem, no self confidence and a total dependence on their partner to "make them feel better about themselves." It's exhausting.

But everything I try is backfiring and making me feel worse about these comparisons.

Yep. You cannot manipulate self esteem. It HAS TO come from within yourself. A great podcast that helped me so much when I started poly is called "Unf*ck You Brain." I listen to it on Spotify, but I'm sure it's widely available. I binged that for about 6 months and it sunk in over time. I was able to implement the skills she teaches over time and the results were amazing. Keep listening, because the skills to actually change your thoughts come in nuggets in random episodes. You'll never know which episode will impact you in a meaningful way, but they all have something.

I refuse to ask him to stop seeing her because I don't want to be the jerk that takes away this opportunity for him to date a potentially amazing partner.

Good. Take this time to work on yourself and you'll probably find your relationship slowly getting stronger as you learn new tools and start becoming more confident in who you are, because that confidence is sexy as hell.

Relationships don't end because someone else came into the picture. They end because the relationship wasn't good to begin with. Being insecure and needing your partner to make you feel better about yourself is absolutely something people DON'T want in a partner. Work on this within yourself and watch your life and relationships transform.

 

[BirdMonster]

Well shit, Bobbi. That was unnecessarily harsh. I get what you're saying, but jabbing at my fears and then saying "just go be confident" is less than helpful.

You didn't ask and just made assumptions, but no, I don't rely on him to feed my self esteem. I don't manipulate him to make me feel better. I don't tell him 99% of the time when I'm feeling down on myself. What I DO is communicate feelings related to our marriage when we have check-ins and I ask for his, as well. Somehow we've made it through a decades-long marriage happily. I must be doing something right to not chase him away or leave him as a miserable human being.

 

[Evie]

making a good home

Do I see a possible mini home makeover as a potential joy? Redecorating something?

 

[GalaGirl]

I have been with the same partner for 6 years and recently demoted the relationship to just friends. So I'm currently monogamous with my husband.

6 years is a long time. Do you need to air that out? Why did you break up with them? Did it become "exes and friends" too soon? Does there need to be a time of "plain exes" first, before changing again to "exes and friends?"

During the breakup I struggled with personal insecurities and at the same time my husband started dating a new woman. None of this is related, just really awful timing!

What personal insecurities?

It IS difficult timing.

Even if you were the one to end it, as you are still dealing in grief from the breakup, and feeling kinda low from that, then dealing with new things on top is a lot.

Meanwhile, he's dealing in new dating, and possible NRE, while dealing with you going through grief and making requests of him.

I saw this woman's dating profile before he did, because we're on the same app, and knew immediately she was basically his dream woman. Based on her pictures and her profile, she's every single thing he's always wanted from me that I'm just not. She's so attractive in the way he prefers, she's confident in her body, she's active and athletic, shares the same hobbies as him, and doesn't have kids so she's more of a free spirit. These are all insecurities I've been struggling with from before this situation.

I see where YOU think she's his "dream woman" in terms of looks and hobbies, but that's not the only thing that makes people compatible.

I see you comparing and picking at yourself. Is that part of the insecurities from before this lady was in the picture? Do you have a habit of being your own self-bully? What other insecurities are there? So far I'm getting:

• You don't like your looks and don't feel especially confident in your body.
• You wish you and husband had hobbies you could share as a couple.
• You wish you weren't bogged down with parenting and could be more of a free spirt. (How old is/are the kid(s)?)

Those are all fixable/workable. But what's going to block you from doing anything about it might be your self-talk and how you talk down about yourself. Where did this inner critic voice come from?

He's been totally silent about her. When I open up about comparing myself he literally goes blank and silent before changing the subject, which is confirmation, in my opinion, that he agrees she's better than me.

That's you jumping to conclusions. He simply may not want to compare, and doesn't know how to help or comfort you when you decide to be your own self-bully. He may be choosing to say nothing, figuring at least he's not ADDING to the pile. Honestly, it's a good move.

I've tried to ask him to date me more, I've asked for a list of things he likes and loves about me, and I've tried just pushing him to react and make me feel better. But everything I try is backfiring and making me feel worse about these comparisons.

But are you doing the things you ask him to do, too?

• Do you ask him out on dates? Before Lady, and before this break up, didn't you two already have regular date nights on the calendar?
• Do you make a list of things you like and love about yourself, so you can read them when the "inner critic" voice appears and counteract it?
• What do you do to make yourself feel better/stop being your own self-bully?

Is pushing him to react kinda like changing the bully focus? You stop bullying yourself and start pressuring him instead?

I get anxiety attacks when I think about their upcoming date nights. I literally feel nauseated and can't stop crying. I can't sleep in the same bed as him. I'm not sleeping much. I refuse to ask him to stop seeing her, because I don't want to be the jerk that takes away this opportunity for him to date a potentially amazing partner.

Is this his first partner outside you? If so, it's just not his first few dates with Lady, it's that AND his first relationship outside you, so you don't have the benefit of past experience to know how to handle yourself and his NRE moments. Adding panic attacks on top makes it extra rough. Have you been to the doctor to see if anti-anxiety meds and/or a sleep aid might be appropriate in your situation? How about a poly counselor to help you navigate having to learn meta skills, and to work on your self talk?

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Have they even gone out yet? You could ask for a time-out, or some spacing, before all that even gets started. He doesn't have to stop dating her. But you could ask if he'd be willing to not schedule the next date until you did your doc appt and/or set up a poly counselor, so you can have some anxiety meds and support in place. That's not being a jerk that takes away this dating opportunity from him. That's you trying to make space for ALL of you to get what you need.

Our intimacy is wrecked, too, because of a few missteps recently. It all hurts so much in every direction.

Are you talking about sex? Something happened and now your shared sex life feels off? What happened?

I don't manipulate him to make me feel better. I don't tell him 99% of the time when I'm feeling down on myself. What I DO is communicate feelings related to our marriage when we have check-ins and I ask for his as well. Somehow we've made it through a decades long marriage happily. I must be doing something right to not chase him away or leave him as a miserable human being.

So, you aren't especially honest or forthcoming with him about your inner life. Are you masking, or faking it, to appear happier than you actually are, putting on a front because you are scared that if he knew you more deeply, he'd leave? Is that part of the insecurity?

I'm not being mean, just trying to understand where you are at.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello BirdMonster,

Sorry you're going through this right now. I can see that you are really hurting. It isn't easy when your husband compares you to your metamour, and finds you lacking. It makes you worry that he is going to replace you with the meta. If it helps any, it is likely that NRE is driving this comparison. Once the NRE dies down a little, you may find yourself on more equal footing. Keep in mind also that when someone creates a dating profile, they are going to make themselves sound as good as possible, they certainly aren't going to highlight their flaws. So when you look at your meta's dating profile, you are seeing a skewed picture.

Hang in there!
Kevin T.

 

[Bobbi]

Well shit, Bobbi. That was unnecessarily harsh. I get what you're saying, but jabbing at my fears and then saying "just go be confident" is less than helpful.

I'm sorry you took it that way. And no, it's not as easy as "just go be confident." That is almost impossible without the tools. That's why I recommended the podcast. She puts a twist on "having happy thoughts," because she knows that's bullshit and undoable, by giving baby steps that do actually make changing your thoughts a very doable process. It's a slow process, but helps immensely.

I don't rely on him to feed my self esteem. I don't manipulate him to make me feel better.

I didn't make this assumption. I read your post, in your words...

I've tried just pushing him to react and make me feel better.

Maybe you didn't convey the situation well, but this reads as manipulation in an attempt to make you feel better.

On other things you may find more helpful:

I've tried to ask him to date me more. I've asked for a list of things he likes and loves about me

How did you ask these things? From reading your post, it seems that you are an indirect communicator. I'm direct and that makes you uncomfortable, but being indirect means there's a TON of room for miscommunication and a TON of assumptions. Did you casually say in passing that you'd like to go to out more? Or did you sit down and say, "I want one day per week dedicated for us to go on a date"? Hire a babysitter (it seems you have kids) and go out on a date. Have the conversation and pick one day per week to do that. Make a commitment and make it happen.

I don't know what else to ask for...

Again, it may be the way you are asking is actually needing him to read your mind. Be specific in your wants and needs and listen for the answer. If you can't be specific, neither can he. Don't walk away until you both are clear on what your needs are. Find out if he will take any action or not (he can say no) to take care of those needs, and how it will happen. If he can't give you what you need, then you need to consider if this relationship works for you without your needs being met.

I get anxiety attacks when I think about their upcoming date nights.

These suck. What makes all of this worse is when there's change in a relationship, your body sees that change as a threat and enters fight or flight mode. Your body fills with adrenaline to prepare you for this fight or flight. That adrenaline is there to help you survive an actual attack. It speeds up your thinking, heart rate, perspiration and makes you feel sick to your stomach. As a result, it also takes your already insecure thoughts down a black hole of doom, where your relationship and even your own well-being are doomed. This happens to everyone. But the more insecure you are, the worse it is, and the more likely it will turn into a panic attack.

Try to remember that this is fight or flight kicking in. It's your nervous system. None of the fears you are focused on are anywhere as bad as they seem when you're in fight or flight mode. To help you in that state-- cry, as you've been doing, but really let it out, don't hold back. Really cry hard, scream into a pillow, punch or kick your mattress. Let it out. Once you recover, go for a sprint to burn off that adrenaline and try to get your body back to a more normal state. The fastest way to recover from fight or flight is to take one of those actions. Fight or flee and burn off the adrenaline.

 

[Tinwen]

I don't know what else to ask for. I get anxiety attacks when I think about their upcoming date nights. I feel nauseated and can't stop crying. I can't sleep in the same bed as him. I'm not sleeping much.

If you can't sleep in the same bed, as usual, he must be noticing your discomfort. How is he reacting?

Does this level of anxiety happen to you in other contexts?

Are you seeing a therapist?

What level of discomfort/how long of it would take it for you to ask him to stop seeing her or to leave the relationship?

-----
You've gotten contradicting advice on this thread, with everyone making a lot of assumptions. It is my experience, that while I love this forum for the quality of wisdom and life experience around, sometimes it acts like a crooked mirror, amplifying and distorting whatever you've put forth. It's particularly bad with your thread, perhaps because you have focused on anxiety, not specific events. Please don't give up on us.

I can, of course, think of advice of my own. But I've decided not to add to the mess without much more insight.

 

[Juan234]

I saw this woman's dating profile before he did, because we're on the same app, and knew immediately she was basically his dream woman. Based on her pictures and her profile, she's every single thing he's always wanted from me that I'm just not. She's so attractive in the way he prefers, she's confident in her body, she's active and athletic, shares the same hobbies as him, and doesn't have kids, so she's more of a free spirit. These are all insecurities I've been struggling with from before this situation.

He's been totally silent about her. When I open up about comparing myself, he literally goes blank and silent before changing the subject, which is confirmation, in my opinion, that he agrees she's better than me. I've tried to ask him to date me more, I've asked for a list of things he likes and loves about me, and I've tried just pushing him to react and make me feel better. But everything I try is backfiring and making me feel worse about these comparisons. I don't know what else to ask for from him.

I am going to go out on a limb. So take the following with a grain of salt. This is my surreal take, if you will.

Is there a chance you know your partner better than he knows himself? If so, then maybe that is why you identified his potential partner so well, probably better than he could have. Maybe he is trusting your instincts more than his. In a way too through your fears you may have created a self-fulfilling prophecy? If I am reading this correctly, which is hard to do based on text alone, then I have a prediction. This is conditional on you and your spouse being mentally healthy (and if not, you both should see a poly-friendly therapist and at least you need to take related recommendations seriously). My forecast is that as with you and your former secondary, he will start to tire of her by year three. She does not know him as well as you do, and that matters.

In the interim can you be genuinely happy for him and maybe her? This, similar to how he stepped aside a bit for you in the past six years? And what about your sexuality exploration? Do you need to continue, and if not, is there a hole you need to fill (no pun intended at all)? I think he is lucky to have you. Let him have his privacy. It may be something he really needs. He may have guilty feelings that resonate with you in a different way. Moreover, to the degree you blindly grant him genuine freedom, you may be able to disentangle yourself in a karmic way from the insecurities in your own life.

Now I need to listen to Bobbi’s Spotify recommendation. It sounds like a good one. Bobbi, do you have any other recommendations?

 

[Bobbi]

Bobbi, do you have any other recommendations?

That's the only one I have that's about working on your self talk/self esteem. It's feminist leaning, but works for everyone. Relationship-wise, I like the blogs, Making Polyamory Work and Multiamory.