Condoms and such

p*nis (not sure what we are allowed to say here, lol)
Of course you can say "penis" here. Why wouldn't you be allowed to say the correct word for a body part? Plus, you can say dick, cock, schlong, piss, shit, fuck, cunt, pussy, vagina, asshole, anus, tits, and blowjob. Just don't use those words to call people names.

That said, if you do decide to insult someone, putting an asterisk in place or one/some of the letters won't get you off the hook, either.

Have a pleasant day!
 
This thread is offering lots of info about bc and pregnancy in poly to our membership in general, but unless the OP shykitten checks back in, there will be no definitive answers. There are too many unanswered questions.

I think she got overwhelmed and left.
 
It is our own responsibility to manage risk tolerance. This morning I kissed one of my partners goodbye as she walked out the door to leave for her commute. My expectation is to eat dinner with her when she arrives home this evening. However, a small probability exists that she may fall victim to a fatal car crash. I am not sitting here sweating with anxiety because even though losing her would hugely impact my entire life, the probability of the loss is within my own manageable risk tolerance. If she were on her way right now to go climb mount Everest, go base jumping, or meeting up with friends to shoot heron; I may feel differently and may even be inclined to de-tangle or exit the relationship due to my own anxiety levels.

Ultimately the burden of managing risk tolerance falls on the husband. If the OP is saying, "no, I am not willing to family plan with my husband exclusively". That is a perfectly good reason to reconsider the relationship in total. Aligning philosophies in family planning should always be a major tenant of any type of relationship, even if that philosophy is "we wont have a family", people should be aligned in this regard...

The question about whether the husband's request is reasonable falls on the priorities of OP and boyfriend. If a poly couple were to say that they are using PIV abstinence for the purposes of family planning than I would consider it reasonable so long as they were in alignment on the objective and plan. Same thing if more partners are involved, whatever the prevention method is, if everyone is in agreement and aligned with the primary objective, its all good.... I understand that is not the case here...

What makes this situation a bit difficult is that to me, it actually sounds like neither OP or husband has much of a paternity preference... I interpret OPs position as having paternity Indifference, I do not interpret the OPs statement as her specifically wanting to have the boyfriends baby. It also sounds like the husband doesn't want to raise the boyfriends baby, "but probably would". In that regard he does not seem all that passionate about paternity himself, otherwise he would probably not be relying on the morals of a meta who presumably doesn't have any specific loyalty to him for family planning...

If I were planning a family I might be inclined to say my comfort level is abstaining from other sexual partners while trying to seed the womb... Children are big decision and large monetary investment... When I wanted to buy a house, I went without for a couple years to save for a down payment. Limited my enjoyment in spending money for a greater goal. I don't see any reason the same cant be applied to sex, the major component of that sort of cooperation comes from having aligned goals with a partner. And that doesn't seem to be the case here. It is as if the husband is trying to put a Band-Aid on his mismanaged risk tolerance, or as I have suspected from the beginning he isn't all that passionate about paternity in the first place... That should be hashed out. Particularly because if the OP is paternity indifferent, and the husband is not, why risk the possibility of having a resented child in the home when it could have been prevented by compromise over a short duration of time?

I will be bold enough to even suggest putting poly aside for a while, family plan accordingly and if incompatibilities do exist it is a good time to dissolve the the relationship before bringing children/more children into the world...
 
Do women feel a loss pleasure or satisfaction from not getting that final thrust and grunt.
Just speaking for myself, obviously...yes.
 
This could also just be a hard limit for Shy's current relationship. This is a soft limit for her but for him to feel safe, this is hard limit.


This is my question: what ELSE has she not taken into consideration? And what OTHER partners' thoughts/feelings/boundaries is this one going to ignore as she just railroads and runs over those same thoughts/feelings/boundaries like it ain't no thang? Because I was under the impression that when one enters into additional relationships with romantic/emotional/sexual attachments, this increases, rather than decreases, the number of thoughts/feelings/boundaries one has to take into consideration. But then again, I could be wrong. :)


If she will do this, there are really no limits as to any other thoughts/feelings/boundaries she plans on ignoring when it becomes inconvenient for her.
 
exactly. I guess my question would be is this really a concern of hers or more of a concern of the Bf. Do women feel a loss pleasure or satisfaction from not getting that final trust and grunt. The condom removes the other senstations so really we might be talking about the other partners satisfaction and autonomy.
I mean as with everything it depends on the woman but in my case _absolutely_. Actually I think it’s more a loss of intimacy than anything - I wouldn’t care with a casual sex partner, but there’s something about the stillness of the 30 seconds right _after_ orgasm when you haven’t quite disconnected yet that would be pretty sad to miss out on with a romantic partner.
 
In my #3 family planning I assumed everyone would sit down and consent to an agreement together but as anyone knows what happens when you assume....🤣

I'd talk about it with all parties involved, yes, but I would *not* be having a group conversation - not with more than one of my own partners, not with my partner and a meta, just *no*. Maaaaaaybe if I was to be involved in a triad/quad, then it would make sense that we discuss things together, but mostly? decisions are made 2 people at a time and adding more people to the conversation is a recipe for awkward, and possibly for a less useful conversation.

(I've told my partners more than once that if we need to discuss anything serious that those conversations need to occur 1:1, even if they are partially *about* a meta, because if I don't have my own relationship with that meta I certainly am not going to be emotionally vulnerable with them in those discussions. IE, I don't mind making statements like that in my last post - about the intimacy of certain moments - to ya'll, as in reality you're people on the internet. I am *not* stating that in front of a meta, and yet it's a relevant point in the discussion...)
 
decisions are made 2 people at a time and adding more people to the conversation is a recipe for awkward, and possibly for a less useful conversation.
Actually agree with this and the previous post at the bottom (after listing the 3 camps) I tried to relate that with "you decide, have a conversation with..." statement. I look back and see it was not that clear.

What I was trying to say is her sit with her needs and desires on the topic, and then ask her husband and boyfriend separately to do the same, sit down with each individual and share each others points, step away and repeat until a clear pathway forward is met. Preferably with some time separating the talks and initial issue.
I think she got overwhelmed and left.
I was worried about this too when I started responding. My hope is @shykitten reads everything and finds what she needs to move forward for all relationships. Also she did bring up something that might help others too think through their opening up.
 
It is our own responsibility to manage risk tolerance.
however when people use the argument my body my choice and this relationship over here is separate and different from ours. That being said it eaves the door completely open to Base jumping or shooting heroin and the right to share such information.

This morning I kissed one of my partners goodbye as she walked out the door to leave for her commute. My expectation is to eat dinner with her when she arrives home this evening. However, a small probability exists that she may fall victim to a fatal car crash. I am not sitting here sweating with anxiety because even though losing her would hugely impact my entire life, the probability of the loss is within my own manageable risk tolerance. If she were on her way right now to go climb mount Everest, go base jumping, or meeting up with friends to shoot heron; I may feel differently and may even be inclined to de-tangle or exit the relationship due to my own anxiety levels.
I don’t think loss of your partner is the same as exposing the husband to a disease or saddling him with someone else’s child. Ones passive and one is direct. Your partner not coming home while tragic and painful and random isn’t the same as dealing with genital warts or one of the nasty reoccurring STD’s or having the costs and burdens of raising a child.


Ultimately the burden of managing risk tolerance falls on the husband.
I think that’s why he asked for additional step Of pulling out …to manage his risk tolerance.


What makes this situation a bit difficult is that to me, it actually sounds like neither OP or husband has much of a paternity preference...
I think the husband has a strong preference which is why the condom request and THEN after the pregnancy the additional request. I think her speculation of “ but probably would raise another mans kid “ is just that speculation and also could have more to do with the overall fabric of their lives than his desires or indifference. Rock meet hard place. The last few comments have addressed the need for more information on all of this.

If I were planning a family I might be inclined to say my comfort level is abstaining from other sexual partners while trying to seed the womb... Children are big decision and large monetary investment... When I wanted to buy a house, I went without for a couple years to save for a down payment. Limited my enjoyment in spending money for a greater goal. I don't see any reason the same cant be applied to sex, the major component of that sort of cooperation comes from having aligned goals with a partner. And that doesn't seem to be the case here.
don’t you think we need more facts here to make these kinds of statements ?

It is as if the husband is trying to put a Band-Aid on his mismanaged risk tolerance, or as I have suspected from the beginning he isn't all that passionate about paternity in the first place... That should be hashed out. Particularly because if the OP is paternity indifferent, and the husband is not, why risk the possibility of having a resented child in the home when it could have been prevented by compromise over a short duration of time?
whats wrong with a band aid if it works? I don’t get how you can judge or declare his risk tolerance as being mismanaged or his passion regarding paternity from a sentence written by a third person.


I will be bold enough to even suggest putting poly aside for a while, family plan accordingly and if incompatibilities do exist it is a good time to dissolve the the relationship before bringing children/more children into the world...
We agree there.
 
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