Conflicted

heartsong

New member
I have been married for twelve years and my wife recently came out to me as polyamorous. This is something she has been dealing with silently over the years and has finally come to terms with. She has never physically cheated on me and we are both very much in love. The topic has forced us to have some difficult conversations and we have recently opened up to each other in very positive ways. Yet still I have very mixed feelings, some days are much harder for me than others. I'm hoping my state of mind improves with time. I would appreciate any advice from others that have had similar situations.
 
heartsong, welcome to the Forum! I can very much relate to your situation as my wife asked me to open up our marriage several months ago so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend (there is a link to my full intro story below). It has required quite a bit of work but I have reached the point where - although poly still would not be my first choice - I am reasonably comfortable with it. Participating in this forum and educating myself on poly in general has helped a lot with the process. I would encourage you to participate in the discussions here. The "Poly Relationships Corner" is quite active and that would be the best section to post any specific questions that you have. We have many experienced polyamorists on the forum who can offer sound advice and solid info.

There are many, many posts similar to yours (including my own) in which one spouse has asked the other to open the marriage to poly - meaning that other (often mono) spouse has to find a way to cope with that if the intent if for the couple to remain together - which is often the case as both spouses may genuinely love one another, even if there is a desire by one them to open the marriage. -- You are not alone! Again, welcome - and best of luck on your poly journey. Al
 
Heartsong!

Your opening post speaks to me. As Al has said, many people come to these forums on a background of a long term relationship that is opening from monogamy to polyamory. It's a difficult transition and only the foolish do not take it slowly. I would be one of the foolish, by the way. Al and his partner had a healthier approach, I think.

I have, in trying to recover from my initial hurt, explored this topic and read a lot of threads on this forum. I'd like to share with you some links, for you to peruse as you see fit.

There are many factors that can influence a smooth transition from monogamy to polyamory. I think one large factor would be the health of your monogamy. After all, if you can't do one relationship, what makes you think you can do two? I started a (relatively new) thread on a relationships vulnerability quiz. I think the quiz is designed to be done by you and your wife separately, then comparing scores. I think the difference in scores between your perception of your relationship compared to your wife's may serve to highlight areas of your monogamy that could do with improving. If you find it useful, I would love to hear some feedback about the quiz with the aim of improving it before recommending it to future couples. Thanks.

I also started a thread giving examples on monogamous couples transitioning to polyamory. The thread selectively showcases those who are still together after a reasonable length of time. Bear in mind, many don't end up staying together and you can find allusions to these in most of the blogs and life stories. Finally, "staying together" may be a goal that monogamous people like you and I cherish, but polyamorous people will warn that "staying together" may not be healthy, and I discuss the polyamorous viewpoint to this in the link given.

Finally, if you're opening from monogamy to polyamory, just be aware that there are other forms of consensual non monogamy around. Some of these may (or may not) suit you and your wife better and (I believe) many may be easier to transition to from monogamy, whereas a move from monogamy straight to polyamory may be more difficult. Just my opinion.

Best of luck with the new change in life,
Shaya.
 
thank you Al and Shaya for your replies.
I will definitely read over the posts that you have shared.

My wife and I are currently taking things slow.
Her boyfriend is someone that she met online and has not actually met in person yet. Although I have some concerns about them meeting, I am trying to be optimistic about the situation.
 
Yet still I have very mixed feelings, some days are much harder for me than others. I'm hoping my state of mind improves with time.

I'm sorry you are struggling.

My wife and I are currently taking things slow. Her boyfriend is someone that she met online and has not actually met in person yet.

I think her having a BF or calling this person a BF is premature.

She's had years to come to terms with her being poly. If she's asking you if you are willing to open the marriage and enter into some kind of polyamorous relationship...why do you get only days to adjust to all these things:

  • My wife has been less than forthcoming with me. For years. Does she not trust me?
  • My wife wants to poly. Do I want to?
  • And would I want to do it with her? A person who seems willing to withhold important nformation?

I suggest you ask your wife for some time to digest all this and process all this. Not rush into opening the marriage and start poly-dating the potential BF person.

People don't buy cars or houses, or get married, or have children without some serious thought. I think this merits serious thought. Not mere days. Slow it down. Where's the fire? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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Greetings heartsong,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think you are wise to take it slow, and learn as much as you can. It can be hard to transition to poly when you are the struggling mono spouse. Hang in there and keep posting.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I think her having a BF or calling this person a BF is premature.

I used the term boyfriend mainly out of simplicity. I've asked her if she considers them dating but I think things are still evolving. I know they both have said they love each other. He is aware that she is married and I have recently reached out to him on Facebook. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do, but for me the thought of trying to be his friend kind of normalizes things in my mind.
 
I've been reading a little bit about compersion and it sounds like a really awesome emotion to experience. When I see my wife smile and I can tell she is happy it really makes me feel good as well. But sometimes I think about him being the reason for her happiness and I get a bit emotional. I've been trying to tell myself that it doesn't really matter the source of her happiness, just that she is happy. It's been almost two months now since we started discussing poly. I've become more comfortable with the idea, but I am still worried how I will feel once she finally meets up with her friend.
 
I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do, but for me the thought of trying to be his friend kind of normalizes things in my mind.

Have you come across the term "metamour"? A metamour is the lover of your lover and people have all kinds of relationships with their metamours. If reaching out to him feels right, then it's the right thing for you to do. :)
 
I have seen the term metamour used on the forum and in a few resources I have been reading. I guess it just feels so foreign to me at this point (but so do a lot of things currently).
 
When I see my wife smile and I can tell she is happy it really makes me feel good as well. But sometimes I think about him being the reason for her happiness and I get a bit emotional. I've been trying to tell myself that it doesn't really matter the source of her happiness, just that she is happy.

It does matter.

It's ok to want to see your wife happy. At the same time though, you have to make YOU happy. Not do stuff that goes against your own grain trying to make her happy at your expense.

There are people who are

  • monoamorous (desire or capability to love one sweetie) + monogamous relationship shape (want to relate 1:1 only. No other people)
  • monoamorous (desire or capability to love one sweetie) + relationship shape flexible. (They can do monogamy like 1:1., they can be an end point in a poly "V" structure, etc.)
  • polyamorous (desire or capability to love more than one sweetie) + relationship shape flexible. (They can do poly. Or they can do 1:1, so long as it allows them to talk about their poly feelings. Open enough for them, Closed enough for the monogamous partner, because there's no other people. )
  • polyamorous (desire or capability to love more than one sweetie) + polygamous relationship shape (MMM, MFF, FMF, quads, poly networks... however it is they arrange themselves.)

If you yourself are monoamorous and prefer monogamous shape relating? Then you choosing to participate in a poly network is not going to make YOU happy. It's not respecting the things YOU value. Doing less than self respecting behavior usually leads to upset. There are posts here from people who tried to do poly "for their partner" rather than for themselves and they find themselves in a quandry later.

It's admirable that you are reading and trying to learn and find out if this is actually your cup of tea or not. I encourage you to take the time to finish thinking all that out.

I hope wife is being patient and not trying to rush you. You have a lot to think over. Maybe these help some:

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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It does matter.

It's ok to want to see your wife happy. At the same time though, you have to make YOU happy. Not do stuff that goes against your own grain trying to make her happy at your expense.

I find the more that my wife and I communicate the happy we both are becoming. Most of my initial concerns have been addressed and I really think I understand her perspective and think I am capable of a poly relationship.
Although I know I still have some fears caused by my own insecurities I am more confident that we will be able to work through it together.

Thanks again for your reply and sharing your thoughts!
It feels good to have some people I can open up to. I'm not sure I'm ready to discuss this with my friends or family.
 
There are people who are

  • monoamorous (desire or capability to love one sweetie) + monogamous relationship shape (want to relate 1:1 only. No other people)
  • monoamorous (desire or capability to love one sweetie) + relationship shape flexible. (They can do monogamy like 1:1., they can be an end point in a poly "V" structure, etc.)
  • polyamorous (desire or capability to love more than one sweetie) + relationship shape flexible. (They can do poly. Or they can do 1:1, so long as it allows them to talk about their poly feelings. Open enough for them, Closed enough for the monogamous partner, because there's no other people. )
  • polyamorous (desire or capability to love more than one sweetie) + polygamous relationship shape (MMM, MFF, FMF, quads, poly networks... however it is they arrange themselves.)

This is a very cool way to think about it, GalaGirl! I have never seen "quanitity of lovers" separated from "style of relationship". I will show this to my sweetie and see where he falls on the list. :)

Thanks for sharing!
chamelia
 
heartsong said:
It feels good to have some people I can open up to. I'm not sure I'm ready to discuss this with my friends or family.

Glad it helps some.

You don't have to be "out" to all and sundry. Might want to think about a few close friends though so you have supportive people in real life should problems arise. Internet people can help some, but they cannot bring you groceries/soup when you are blue or take you to a movie for a brain break. YKWIM?

chamelia said:
I will show this to my sweetie and see where he falls on the list.

Glad it helps you too.

Galagirl
 
heartsong,

I was in a very similar situation to yours, it's been about 4 months now since my wife came out as being poly. In my case it only came up because she met with someone and let her feelings get a little out of control, so she felt the need to tell me. That was hard.

The slower the better. Make sure you think about what things you want her to tell you, have set times to sit down and discuss these things once or twice a week without outside distractions.

The most friction we've run into are scenarios when one person doesn't realize the other is expected to share information right away, or if it's a "only when I ask" type of deal. Clear communication and expectations are key.

Good luck
 
I'm one of those wives that has approached her husband about polyamory and I really appreciate the sharing I have read from the husband's perspective, your perspective.

It also looks like you attracted the advice of all the members who have been offering me the best advice. I've learned a lot on a very short amount of time.

All that to say thank you for sharing and I wish the best for you.

You mentioned that increased communication between you and your wife is making you both happier and then your relationship improves. I've felt that with my husband, being able to talk to him about being poly is building our friendship and fills me with such love that I just want to give that back to him. It's bonding us.
I have experienced fear when thinking of approaching him about the subject, but each time he brings it up it just provides me with relief. I'm not hurting him by being me, by having the feelings I do. He wants to understand me, he loves me.
He has opinions and feelings about the whole thing too and he's not afraid to share them with me. No matter where we end up, just knowing each other more fully is fantastic.
Being poly is a recent conclusion for me, so we are learning together.

I hope you are finding that just being able to talk about things is bonding you and your wife too.
 
I'm kind of having a "down" day today. I haven't had one in a week or two, and they seem to be getting shorter lived and I'm less of an emotional wreck. It tends to help when I talk it out with my wife but I don't want to have to dump all of my issues on her every time i'm feeling out of sorts.
 
Sending lots of hugs! If there is anything you need to vent or discuss, this forum seems amazing at helping people!
 
Sending lots of hugs! If there is anything you need to vent or discuss, this forum seems amazing at helping people!

Thanks so much!
Luckily those feelings didn't last very long today.

Overall I've been really happy lately.
We are taking things slowly and taking one day at time.
 
I know what you mean about when you are having a hard time, not wanting to constantly vent all of your thoughts onto your wife, and it is good to try and control this and set aside specific times for talking. Not too frequently or infrequently.

Here is something that has helped me to make it until our next planned sessions when I feel like I'm going to explode, can't concentrate on work, etc. Write down or type everything you are feeling or thinking about. Read it back to yourself and try to imagine what her explanation or reassurance might sound like. In many cases, I've found that I can reassure myself or just writing things helps to get them off of my mind.

You can then collect your thoughts and anything you still need to talk about, you can save until you have time to sit down and discuss with your wife.
 
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