Conflicting relationships

B

Beancandy

New member
Hey guys! I am 24(f) single and interested in polyamory. I met a wonderful group of people while out with mutual friends and really hit it off. Specifically with a polyam couple ( two women). Fast forward about 4 months to now after regular hang outs and getting to know every one on a general level like interests, family, hobbies ,and all that lovely stuff. For the sake of privacy Ill call friend A sally. Sally and I had the closest relationship, texting often, going to dinners, events, and spending time through out the week like any other budding friendship. We had 2 brief conversations about my and Sally’s previous relationships and how we’ve they’ve effected us/ how we’ve worked on growing from them but never names or full details.

We live in a relatively small town and primarily frequent alternative and specifically the black alternative community. I recently held an end of summer event and sent out invites to all of the people I thought would be interested which lead to a new friendship with a mutual that I had seen around/ followed on social media.

This person( I’ll name mia )and I had been texting and lightly hanging out with other Mutuals for about a month before suddenly I received a text from sally asking me about what kind of relationship we had. Which I was honest about and said just friends. Apparently they were looking at my location. For context I picked up mia from work and dropped her off at home ( they had from going out together so they could keep track of me at a concert) They became very upset and explained to me that their previous partner of 3 years was mia. Which I immediately felt awful for because if I knew this I would have never pursued a friendship with mia. But now I’ve developed a friendship and even feelings for mia.

After this I was completely transparent with mia and they were super validating and understanding of the conflict going on which helped me come to peace on their end. Which lead into them giving me details about what happened during their relationship.

In short. sally was dating mia for 2 years behind the back of her primary’s back posing as close friends. Which I think is strange considering they were publicly polyamorous. ( maybe there was jealousy behind the scenes, but that’s just an assumption) The primary didn’t find out about this until mia was ready to make things public. So the intimacy of their relationship came to light and this caused mia to distrust sally and decide to break things off. I am not sure exactly how long ago this was but know that quite some time has passed. At least long enough for me to enter the picture with no knowledge of any of it.

I feel conflicted because of course I want to keep both friendships. but is that selfish of me or should I be considering Sally’s feelings more?
 
I'm sorry you struggle. Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words. It was a bit hard to follow, so you correct me if I get anything wrong, ok?

PEOPLE
  • You
  • Sally and Sue -- this poly couple. You've been getting to know both, but Sally more than Sue.
  • Mia-- who turned out to be Sally's ex partner under hinky circumstances
PROBLEM

You've been making friends with Sally (and Sue, to a lesser degree.)

You have also been making friends and starting to crush on Mia.

Sally is jealous of your relationship with Mia, when you are actually free to date whoever you want.

Sally wanted to know the deal when she saw you at Mia's.

1) Why's Sally tracking your location? Maybe you agreed to do this at a concert, but why wasn't that all turned off once the concert was over? And why was it even needed? It's a PHONE.

2) You learned Sally and Mia dated for 2 years.
  • Was Sally stringing Mia along, until Mia got fed up of being the "dirty secret" and was going to go public? And then Sue got all upset to discover those two dating behind her back?
  • Or both Sally and Mia knew, and were ok with having a cheating affair, until Mia wasn't ok any more?
  • Or Sally lied to Mia until Mia discovered Sally already had another primary partner, Sue?
  • Something else?
  • Since the community is small, do you want to hold off dating until you know more of the "stories" in this community?

Since it all sounds hinky, I suggest you do not date either one at this time, and continue to build community and make friends instead.

If you want to try being friends with both, you could. But be prepared if one or the other one drops you because they don't want to be in close proximity to the ex, and you are palling around with them.

And check your phone. Sally doesn't need to be tracking you, not even in a crowded concert, because it's a PHONE. Just use it like a phone and CALL and say, "I'm over here by the red curtain bar. Where are you?" and sort it out.

That's weird and intrusive for Sally to be tracking your location with locations apps or something. Or at least I would find it so. You are not Sally's dependent child or elder with cognitive issues. You are your own person.

I think you could consider YOUR wellbeing first.

Galagirl
 
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Sometimes it's hard to find someone at a concert, in a large club or other venue by just calling or texting, because you don't hear the notification go off. You have to keep checking your phone for a text or voicemail. And it might be too loud to have an actual phone conversation. So I can understand having had the tracking turned on. I guess it was just a mistake that you didn't turn that off after the show.

It was unethical of Sally to be checking your location for however many days or weeks after the concert though! Why on earth would she do that? So nosy! She should have turned it off. What is going on in her head, how possessive of you is she, to be doing that?

In small alternative or queer communities, it can become sort of claustrophobic, because all the members can end up being the exes of so many of the others. So you end up dating the exes of friends, and the friends can get to feeling all huffy about it. Or, they can just get over it, because it basically can't be helped, unless everyone goes celibate after one relationship ends, lol.

In this case, you're not even dating Mia. And you had no idea Sally used to date her. And Sally was tracking you unethically. Now, Sally is saying you can't even be friends with her ex? Sally was the one who went behind her primary's back to date Mia, but Sally is asking you to not even be friends with Mia, who dumped Sally when she found out Sally was cheating? It sounds like Sally is the one with sketchy ethics here. At least, that's how it looks to me from one post...
 
I’m a firm believer in autonomy and that each person has agency. You can be friends with and see who ever you want. Others should mind their own business unless actions happen that include them. it’s none of Sally’s business if or when you see or talk to Mia and vice versa. Anyone who claims you shouldn’t or can’t talk to the other is just trying to control you. You can take into mind what each has said about the other but form your own opinion as you get to know them better. You may find there are versions of the truth in what each says about the other but it’s not necessarily negative. Just because two people don’t get along does not mean you’ll have that same experience. It sounds like Sally wasn’t truthful about the relationship, caused Mia to not trust her and subsequently end the relationship with Sally. Now Sally is tracking your location and telling you not to be friends with Mia? Frankly, if Sally did that to me, it would be the end of our relationship. A person who would do any of that is not the type I want in my life.
 
Hi Beancandy,

It seems to me that you are facing a question of consent. Does Sally consent to you having a relationship with Mia? Does Mia consent to you having a relationship with Sally? If consent is lacking in either of those cases, then you will have to choose between Mia and Sally. Or you can choose neither, but you can't choose both. It's nice of you to consider Sally's feelings, but ultimately Sally has to take care of her own feelings -- and she is free to withhold consent, if the situation is too painful for her. If she says, "I consent," then she is essentially saying, "I take the responsibility for my own feelings about this. It's not on you to shoulder that burden." So, ask her. "Do you consent?" It is the only way you will be able to move forward.

At least that's what I think.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Beancandy,

It seems to me that you are facing a question of consent. Does Sally consent to you having a relationship with Mia? Does Mia consent to you having a relationship with Sally? If consent is lacking in either of those cases, then you will have to choose between Mia and Sally. Or you can choose neither, but you can't choose both. It's nice of you to consider Sally's feelings, but ultimately Sally has to take care of her own feelings -- and she is free to withhold consent, if the situation is too painful for her. If she says, "I consent," then she is essentially saying, "I take the responsibility for my own feelings about this. It's not on you to shoulder that burden." So, ask her. "Do you consent?" It is the only way you will be able to move forward.

At least that's what I think.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
As I understand consent, you can only give consent regarding yourself. Why should Sally give consent for two other people who aren’t her, being friends (or more)? What those two people do is up to them. Sally’s consent is not required. That is allowing another person to dictate what you can and can’t do. Beancandy is not a child and Sally is not her parent, the only situation where someone can control the actions of others.

granted, beancandy might not want to get in this messy situation at all, and that’s up to her how she wants to handle it. But it should be her decision, not 3rd parties.

i Do not ask my partners permission to date who I do. Or grant me permission to have the friends that I do. Their consent is not needed as that doesn’t involve them. If they don’t want to continue the relationship with me because of my friends then that’s up to them. They CAN express the possible harm or messiness to me for my consideration, but in the end, it’s my decision.
 
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