Confused and worried

S

SoccerChick78

New member
I am new the the poly world, but have recently started a relationship with someone in an open marriage. We see each other regularly for living in different towns and talk daily. Over the weekend he was in the hospital with a medical issue and was released yesterday. I have not heard from him since shortly after he got home and I'm getting worried that something else has happened. I have not yet met his wife but there has been talk of me doing so. I just don't know if it's crossing a line to reach out to his wife to see if he is OK.
 
Hello, SoccerChick78, and welcome to the site! I'm new here myself, but not to polyamory.

You wrote that you haven't yet met your relationship partner's wife, but does she at least know of you and her husband's relationship with you? That seems like pertinent information in figuring out how to handle the situation.

Also, you wrote that your partner was released from the hospital yesterday. Even if something has happened to him since then, couldn't he have contacted you (for example, by text) either shortly before, while, or shortly after he was being released?

Without further information, I suggest that you reach out to your partner with a text, asking him to give a 1-sentence reply that he's okay (or not) if he's capable of that, and then wait at least a few days for a reply before taking any other steps.

Finally, I just want to say that I understand and commiserate with your concern!
 
Jimmmm said:
Hello, SoccerChick78, and welcome to the site! I'm new here myself, but not to polyamory.

You wrote that you haven't yet met your relationship partner's wife, but does she at least know of you and her husband's relationship with you? That seems like pertinent information in figuring out how to handle the situation.

Also, you wrote that your partner was released from the hospital yesterday. Even if something has happened to him since then, couldn't he have contacted you (for example, by text) either shortly before, while, or shortly after he was being released?

Without further information, I suggest that you reach out to your partner with a text, asking him to give a 1-sentence reply that he's okay (or not) if he's capable of that, and then wait at least a few days for a reply before taking any other steps.

Finally, I just want to say that I understand and commiserate with your concern!
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To my knowledge his wife is aware of me. He's been very open with me about her and as far as I know very open with her about me. Until I actually meet her I won't know.

I've messaged him a few times throughout last night and today, but have not yet heard anything back. We talked all through his hospital stay, I was even able to go visit him while he was there. But since he got home around 2 yesterday I haven't heard a thing. It's just very out of character for him based on my experience which is what has me so worried.
 
Thanks for the additional information, SC78, that's very helpful! I can see why you are concerned.

Has your partner explicitly told you that his wife is aware of you? (You wrote only that "to my knowledge" and "as far as I know" his wife is aware of you.) In my opinion (and, of course, it's only that) is that it would be a good idea to wait (say) one more day (or maybe two more days if you're not really sure that his wife knows about you) and then contact your partner's wife, limiting your exchange to something along the lines of "I'm sorry to bother you. As you know, your husband and I have a relationship. Usually we talk daily, and we talked during his hospital stay, but since he was released on Monday I haven't had any communication with him, and I'm concerned about his well-being. Is he okay?"
 
Jimmmm said:
Thanks for the additional information, SC78, that's very helpful! I can see why you are concerned.

Has your partner explicitly told you that his wife is aware of you? (You wrote only that "to my knowledge" and "as far as I know" his wife is aware of you.) In my opinion (and, of course, it's only that) is that it would be a good idea to wait (say) one more day (or maybe two more days if you're not really sure that his wife knows about you) and then contact your partner's wife, limiting your exchange to something along the lines of "I'm sorry to bother you. As you know, your husband and I have a relationship. Usually we talk daily, and we talked during his hospital stay, but since he was released on Monday I haven't had any communication with him, and I'm concerned about his well-being. Is he okay?"
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When we started our relationship, he told me one of their rules was that they meet each others partners. Being new to all this he has said they didnt want to push me to do anything I'm not yet comfortable with. He's also talked about showing his wife pictures of me and that she thinks I'm very pretty. With all that I do believe she knows about me, I've also had guys in the past lie to me about various different things which is where my hesitation comes from.
I do thank you for your advise. I'm trying to be patient and not jump to conclusions and just hope he's resting. But until I hear from him, or her, I will probably continue to think the worst.
 
Yes, let's hope your partner is just resting! If you don't hear from him in the near future and you contact his wife, it will be a good opportunity to test the waters on the level of honesty and trust in your relationship.

However you proceed and whatever results, please let us know how things turn out!
 
Jimmmm said:
Yes, let's hope your partner is just resting! If you don't hear from him in the near future and you contact his wife, it will be a good opportunity to test the waters on the level of honesty and trust in your relationship.

However you proceed and whatever results, please let us know how things turn out!
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Thank you I will!
 
Sounds like he's on the up and up regarding having let his wife know about you. Do you have a separate contact detail for her? I'd say if you haven't heard from him in 24 hours, following a medical event, and when you're usually in a lot more contact, it wouldn't be unreasonable to reach out to her.

She might not know how to reach out to you if something is worse for him, health wise.
 
Evie said:
Sounds like he's on the up and up regarding having let his wife know about you. Do you have a separate contact detail for her? I'd say if you haven't heard from him in 24 hours, following a medical event, and when you're usually in a lot more contact, it wouldn't be unreasonable to reach out to her.

She might not know how to reach out to you if something is worse for him, health wise.
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Thanks, I did finally hear from him. He's had a pretty rough day though. I don't have contact details for her, but did find her on Facebook.
 
Good to know! Now might be a good time to ask your partner to set up communication (whether rarely used or otherwise) between you and his wife -- at minimum to discuss emergencies.
 
I can tell you from the other side (as someone who is married/poly), that I would be touched if one of my wife's partners reached out to me to check on her health after such an event. My wife would also understand this (and I think appreciate the concern). In my particular case, I've asked my girlfriend to let one of her close friends have my number, in case something comes up where she is unable to contact me. Her family doesn't know about me (she's not open about it); so her family would not know to contact me. Her partner (my metamour) would, but what if they were both hurt or something? So, her best friend has my contact information just in case something happens and I'm not aware of it.

Just one option, of course.
 
Hello SoccerChick78,

Well if his wife knows about you, and that you do exist, it seems reasonable to me to reach out to her, so you can at least find out if he is okay. And honestly, if he hasn't told his wife about you, but he's told you that he has, then he really hasn't been honest with you, has he? Are you sure you want to date someone who does that?

Anyway it sounds like he did finally contact you, he is not doing great but at least you have some idea of what's going on. Let us know if you get further word from him.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I'm glad you heard from him and I hope he's improving. When he is well, ask him to give you his wife's phone number and to give her yours. Lots of poly people do this, for emergencies and I think it's very wise.

If you don't have another partner, maybe you could give your bf the number of your closest local friend, after running it by them, of course.
 
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