Confused girlfriend

A

AliS

New member
As I read the forums, I see that most of the people writing are a husband or wife. I am the girlfriend. I'm not sure of my place in this, especially since I am new to this and new to the relationship. My boyfriend keeps saying we will find our way, but it's still hard to figure out my place in this.

I know I don't want someone in my life full time, and the thought of having someone else is appealing. I just find I have so many questions and no answers.
 
What do you mean "the girlfriend"? Did your boyfriend tell you he's poly? Did you drop the poly bomb? Was it mutual?

Also, what do you mean you don't want someone in your life full time? If you don't want a committed relationship, then you should make sure to tell the people you're in relationships with that you don't want commitment.

Polyamory is the pretty much the exact opposite of what you seem to want (by saying you don't want full time). It takes extreme commitment, dedication and unconditional love to make poly relationships work. It sounds like what you need to is to figure out who you are, what you want, and to date and connect to people and find out what you like. While you date, remember to have self control, and tell the truth to people you are involved with-- that you don't want anything full time and want to be open.

If you have any questions, I can talk to you. DM me and I'll give you my email.
 
I am the girlfriend of the married guy. I know this is right for me, but I am just trying to find my way in a world that everyone frowns upon. I so much want to be part of their lives-- his life, his wife's life, her boyfriend's life. But it's just so new to me. Am I thinking too much?
 
It does seem rare that the poly additions speak out, but they are around. I think a lot of the emotional limelight is thrown on the couples, so sifting through the couples having challenges can be hard, but it is there. I think the emotional wrenching tends to come from the couples being thrown into this.

As for you, specifically, I don't think you are overthinking. You sound like you are being thoughtful. You will find your own way, but you can study what others have done, right or wrong. This may help you decide what you want out of it, and help you foresee the pitfalls of being in a V.

Have you read anything by Franklin Veaux? http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html This is a good place to start.

Continue asking questions, and please feel free to elaborate on your feelings being involved in a V (or N).

The irony of "find my way in a world that everyone frowns upon" is that not everyone does. There are a lot of open people. Or indifferent people. Or better yet, people that want you to be happy. Don't be overly concerned with what others think. Enjoy what you can.

Ari
 
rpcrazy said:
What do you mean, you don't want someone in your life full time? If you don't want a committed relationship, then you should make sure to tell the people you're in relationships with that you don't want commitment.
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What meant was, I don't want to live with someone full time. I have just come out of a 23-year marriage and need my space. I know I want polyamory. As the girlfriend of a married man, he will not be with me all the time, and I will get the freedom I need right now.

But your comment made me realise that this is a commitment of a different sort... and I am happy with that. :)
 
AliS said:
I dont want to live with someone full time. I have just come out of a 23-year marriage and need my space. Your comment made me realise that this is a commitment of a different sort... and I am happy with that.
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To be honest, that's a perfect example of someone who is suited for a secondary relationship. Very nice hearing that perspective, as it does seem to be rare, in many cases.
 
Thank you. I have been wrestling with myself for months about what I want, and this seems perfect.
 
I think it's great you have found something that works for you. It means you get to meet lots of interesting new people and have some new experiences, all while recovering from your marital breakup! :)
 
I'm a "poly addition" also. I'm dating a married woman that has two bfs, me and one other man.

AliS, you are not alone.
 
Hi, Vexxed. How are you finding it? I am not only trying to work out the kinks of having a new boyfriend who isn't into communication (texts, emails or calls) but the whole poly thing, too.
 
AliS, I haven't been doing very well. We have certainly had our good times, but I've caused a bit of drama for us also. I was dishonest and did not disclose some very important things about my sexual history. That was an earlier mistake. A more recent mistake is that I broke boundaries and didn't disclose it, then bent the truth when I confessed, then finally confessed to all of it, over the phone.

She is 2000 miles away on vacation right now. We agreed over the phone that we wanted to work it out, and both said that we love each other. She should be back in town in 17 days.

I'm reading the book Radical Honesty right now, and I so wish that I would have read it last year before meeting her. This book is not about polyamory, but the section on building intimacy for couples, and what he has to say about communicating about sex, is very valuable information, in my opinion.

At the root of my problems is that I have been insecure. She has been a wonderful partner.
 
Hi, there. My boyfriend Mono is on here, too. He was monogamously married, and now is doing just fine living alone and being in my life (I'm poly). He is very merged with my life. I have a husband (also poly) and young son.

Try doing a tag search and see what you come up with. There have been discussions about being a third on here, for example.
 
You beat me by a handful of hours, RP! I was just reading this thread thinking, "Mono is one."

I am a poly wife.

AliS, welcome to the board!
 
I am the mono GF of a "binogamous" woman, who has a BF of a couple of years. While not married (and not gonna be), they do have a commitment to each other. Being the newcomer to this situation has its challenges, because they have a head start of intimacy, which is something I want in my life.

We are also challenged by distance, which, I think, is also a good thing for us, since my GF and I are both passionate and totally gaga for each other.

Admittedly, I have had moments when I have considered dating another woman locally. But, in all honestly, I am so in love with my GF that another woman in my life would just be a stand-in for when I am not able to see her. And that just seems wrong to me.

I am finding that I have to be careful negotiating this emotional space that I am drawn to when we are unable to be together. This place says to me: "Well, she has someone else. You can too." While I know that to be a potential truth in the matter, I am also well aware of the fact that my GF has a GF and a BF because that is how she is. The same is not necessarily true for me. Still, I have not completely closed the door on that option.

All this to say, I know this place of confusion. I get through it by focusing on the immense love and support I have in this relationship.

Stay strong and true.
 
Hi there! This is all very new to me, too. I am in a triad. I am the gf of both the wife and husband in the relationship. This def has it's challenges. It is difficult, in a way, to be an addition. But I think we are working out the kinks a bit. I still feel a little like the third wheel, sometimes, but he put my mind at ease one night when he told me I was an addition to their little clan, and not just second-best.
 
Don't forget too that you might be an addition to their life, but they are also an addition to yours. They need to be conscious of that, and begin knowing what your life is about, blend into that a bit, too. It's not all about them. It's about each of you.
 
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