Confused & Hurt

[Saraha]

Hello, my husband (52) and I (45) have discussed for a long time possibly being polyamorous or a closed triad. 2 relationships did not end well.

My husband has vetted the women and currently there is a new woman we have both met. She is submissive. He met her in person a few weeks back and they were intimate for the first time. I met her last weekend for lunch to get to know her better.

He was going to spend the day with her today and I suggested he go yesterday and stay the night. I was good with it. While he was gone I was reading messages on Fetlife. We have a page, he has one and I deleted one. In one of the messages between the two of them I read they did not use a condom at all. This is the 1st rule we ever came up with. I screenshotted the thread and sent it to him.

He showed up at home at 4am. We talked today. He apologized. The woman has no idea I did not give the okay to go bareback. He says he figured it was okay because she sent him the test results.

I should also state I’m 6 post op from a full hysterectomy.

I feel completely gutted and betrayed by my husband. I explained I feel like the 3rd wheel and this is not how it should be. I need advice on what to do about him, her, us. I feel like he hasn’t taken my needs or feelings into consideration. Thank you.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry he cheated on a shared agreement.

And you're post-op too. Ugh. I'm sorry about that.

2 relationships did not end well.

What happened there? Did he cheat on shared agreements those times?

My husband has vetted the women and currently there is a new woman we have both met. She is submissive. He met her in person a few weeks back and they were intimate for the first time. I met her last weekend for lunch to get to know her better.

Is there some reason you two can't poly-date separately? Like he has a poly partner and you have one of your own? You do your own vetting?

He apologized. The woman has no idea I did not give the okay to go bareback.

So he lied to her that you were ok with it? Or he didn't tell and she didn't ask?

He says he figured it was okay because she sent him the test results.

What is "good enough" for him may not be "good enough" for you. And yes, labs might be all right with both of you. But he still lied/meant to keep it hidden. That's not ok.

And you were peeking in his personal Fetlife account and discovered this. That is not ok.

Why don't you both have your own passwords on your things?

You two sound very entangled still. You might need to detangle some.

I read they did not use a condom at all. This is the 1st rule we ever came up with.

You both agreed to use condoms with others. Then on his side, he chose to cheat on agreements and go bareback.

That kind of agreement, though, where you rely on someone else to protect your body/health, rather than you doing it and YOU using condoms when YOU share sex, sometimes leads to this happening-- heat of the moment thinking, not actually following through, etc.

Long-term couples sometimes get sloppy and start to function like a "we" or like some kind of CoupleBlob, when really, they are always individual people, and sometimes they are a couple.

In a triad, there is:

You + him
Him + her
You + her

Now there are 3 individuals and 3 different couples, not just 2 individuals and 1 couple like before.

You do not belong in the (him + her) dyad. That's their deal to figure out. Same for all the other dyads. Each dyad needs its own privacy.

I get feeling like a third wheel. You can date your own people. You don't have to compete with him for the same partner's time and attention.

If she asks you why you broke up with her, be honest. She did nothing wrong, but you don't want to date the same people he dates anymore, after he lied about condom use. You want separate partners now. You've started using condoms with him.

I get feeling betrayed. He cheated on agreements. What will he be doing differently, moving forward, so he keeps his shared agreements with you?

I think you could decide what to do about the cheating. If you two want to talk to a poly counselor, you could try:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

And review any other shared agreements that might not be set up right.

You might also read Poly Hell.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

You could decide if you still want to do poly with him or not, and how much "learning grace" you are willing to give. And if you do keep going, stop seeing the same people. Date your own people. Break up with her. She may not have done anything wrong if he lied to her about it being ok, but I don't think you should date the same people he dates.

If he lied to her on that side, it's on him to clean up his own mess.

I think you could get your labs done. And update your safer sex practice to "I use condoms with everyone. I also get my labs done every X months." YOU manage your sex health.

You could also make it a practice before you share sex with anyone to ask/tell: "Since the last time we shared sex, has there been anyone new or changes in risk profile? For me, there is..."

I'm sorry this happened like this, though.

Galagirl

 

[Saraha]

We both had our own profiles and a couples profile. The passwords are the same for each profile so we can see what each other is doing. He’s been poly in previous relationships. I never have. He wants the three of us to be in one relationship, not separate.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info.

I'm concerned you are going out on a limb, trusting that he knows what he's doing, and going along with triads, when maybe you don't really want this. You might want some other kind of poly model, or some other kind of non-monogamy.

Then, with the cheating, maybe it's time to pump the brakes and reassess what you actually want for yourself.

In case it helps you reflect...

We both had our own profiles and a couples profile. The passwords are the same for each profile so we can see what each other is doing.

So he's just careless? He wrote messages to her in his profile that he knew you could see?

Why is it necessary to see what each other is doing in the first place?

Would you like your personal profile to just be yours, and his to be just his, and you two NOT know the passwords to those? Isn't the one shared-couple account enough for that?

Is he putting it out there like, "That way we both can see..." but really it is so HE can monitor YOU, and he forgot you could see him too?

He’s been poly in previous relationships. I never have.

Just because people had poly relationships before... so what? It doesn't mean they were ethical or great. It could have been years of poly chaos.

Even if you are a newbie to poly, you are the expert on what YOU feel like doing, or not, what behaviors you feel like putting up with, or not, from a partner, what kinds of relationship models YOU like and don't like. Your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU. You are responsible for doing your own poly education, and not have it be like, "He's teaching me all the ways."

Why is it only women? Could it be you with two men? Is there a one-penis policy going on here?

He wants the three of us to be in one relationship, not separate.

That's nice. He can want things. He can have preferences. So can YOU. What do YOU want (you as an individual)? Do you even want polyamory, or do you want some other form of non-monogamy instead?

What if X wants to date just him? Would you feel happy about X "going thru the motions" with you just to gain dating access to him? Or would you rather skip all that and date people who actually want to date YOU?

Why not have both options? You could each date separately first, and you could be open to changing to a triad later on, with someone that naturally wants to go there and has the compatibility for that.

Why a triad only? Could X date other people outside the group? Could you? Or does he just want it like a closed triad -- just these three people? How come?

Is this actual poly dating, or him wanting group sex? Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. Some poly people do that too, but it's not a requirement. Some poly people just date their partners and never share group sex.

How well educated is he, even in a triad model? There is no "all-in-one relationship." There are at least four going on inside the larger model.

• You + him
• Him + X
• You + X
• You + Him + X --- not like group sex or group hangouts, just being able to be basic polite to each other should you happen to run into each other in town. Group sex and group hangouts are NOT a requirement in polyamory. There is nothing wrong with parallel poly.

In that short paragraph, can you see how you talk a lot using "we," and saying what he wants? There's not a lot of "just you" stuff.

I invite you to reflect and think more about the "just you" things. What do YOU want out of all this? What types of non-monogamy do YOU want? What do you NOT want? Then see what aligns with his wants and the desires of whoever else you date.

But for now, SLOW DOWN. Reassess.

It may be that you don't even want to do this at all any more. That is okay too.

What is your desired outcome?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Saraha,

It sounds like your husband is interested in having a child with this new woman, even though he knows you can't do the same. He is not considering your feelings, you should tell him to break up with this woman and possibly close the curtains on polyamory, as he obviously doesn't know how to handle it in a considerate way. You even should reconsider your own relationship with him, even though you probably don't want to go there. He needs to wake up to the seriousness of what he has done.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Evie]

Unprotected sex =/= wanting to have a baby!!!

"The passwords are the same for each profile so we can see what each other is doing. He’s been poly in previous relationships. I never have. He wants the three of us to be in one relationship, not separate."

I strongly suggest you educate yourself on what polyamory actually is and not what he's selling you. You're in a good place to do that here and I suggest you have a read of the resources in the pinned post in this forum.