Thank you for more info.
He didn't understand why I would even consider putting in place a boundary for myself based on something which may, or may not, happen.
Because you want to feel safe/comfortable around him if/when it does happen?
He can go get all the bruises he wants during sex with other people. You prefer not to look at them.
Where is problem? He isn't being restricted any. You are taking care of you and what you need.
I told him about the boundary, because I thought it would appear weird if I kept avoiding looking at him if I saw a bruise, and he didn't know why I was avoiding him.
Well, now he knows. You prefer not to look at his naked body when there's sex bruises on it from other people. So... he can expect to not share sex with you while he heals. Is that how you meant it?
As for it seeming weird if you aren't looking at him... how about you let him worry about it and ASK you? Rather than you "pre-managing" so much stuff for him? For all you know, he wouldn't notice. And if he does and it bugs him? He can ask and bring it up.
I think you could tend to "your stuff."
He could tend to "his stuff."
And both of you tend to "our stuff" -- that is reasonable and rational. It cannot ALL be your stuff.
As to my internal/inner life, are you referring the life inside my head, or how I conduct my life when he's not around?
The life inside your head.
As to the 'selective hearing', I think he does. Or at least thinks my actions towards him (asking for sex, kissing him, cooking dinner, cuddling up in bed) makes him think I'm back to before I detached from him. I think I can still do those things without being as emotionally attached as when we first got married, but he may think otherwise.
So for you, this is a major turning point in your inner life -- thinking of "husband" differently so you can deal with this way of doing poly with our getting emotionally distraught. Maybe thinking of him more like "nesting partner."
To him, it looks the same on the outsides -- asking for sex, kissing, dinner, cuddles, etc.
So... I ask again. Why do you need to keep telling him things are different for you in your inner life if all it does is rock the boat? He doesn't sound like he's super vested in that area. His definition is more about you being "his rock" and these behaviors work that way for him. Right?
I wonder if part of this detachment is you broadening your social circle. Not having DAG be your EVERYTHING or his circle be your circle. Just as you want him to process some of his stuff with others and not you, it could be the same for you. Process some of your stuff with others and not DAG.
Respecting my boundaries. The bruising one is the only one he's had an issue with. The other, which has to do with his flirting, I have not discussed with him, because of his reaction to the bruising boundary. The last boundary we talked about, which is I will not go shopping with him more than 4 hours during weekends, is still in place. He's OK with that one.
I would put that he doesn't HAVE to be ok with your boundaries. They are not for him. They are for YOU, to keep YOU safe.
If you don't want to interact with DAG when he has a bunch of bruises because you find them triggering? Then don't. Wait for them to heal. You aren't stopping him from enjoying sex bruises any. You are doing what you need to do.
If you don't want to be around watching PDA, flirting whatever? You can leave the room. You are not obligated to watch DAG in flirt mode. (Does he want you to be there? I'm guessing a bit here.)
If you are done shopping in 4 hours and he wants to shop some more? Fine. You go home. He shops some more. Each one of you is responsible for your own transportation home.
A couple is ALSO two individuals. They did not become the PeopleBlob joined at the hip when they become a couple. You both may have to do some detangling.
We have been round and round with this one. When this situation started last year, I didn't want to know anything about it, other than when he got to his destination safely, and when he was coming home. His case for wanting to talk to me about his relationship status was that he didn't have anyone else to talk to about it (yes he did, and I named names).
Then you could have said "No, thanks. I only want to know this much at this time. You can talk to others." And hold the line.
He also felt he was living a secret life if he was unable to talk to me.
It's not a secret life. You know he's dating other people, you consent to be in polyship with him.
He wasn't expecting advice (I'll be damned if I was going to give it to him anyway), but at least a sympathetic ear. After a few shouting matches, he withdrew his argument, and will not talk to me about his relationships with Bruiser and Fisticuffs, other than to say they are 'strained'.
He wants you to be sympathetic ear and you say you prefer not to be involved like that? Rather than respect your limit and go find someone else for "sympathetic ear" he shouts and tantrums?
What kind of business is that? It takes two to argue and shout. I think you could learn to say "No, thank you. Please respect my limit on this." and walk away from the room.
Whatever DAG feels about it? Those are his feelings to manage. It's not your job.
His POV is 'it is what it is, I did what I wanted'. He's been pretty clear that he's not going to change his behaviors regarding sex.
Hence me developing boundaries, detachment, and any other positive mechanism (like talking to my friends and family about my relationship with DAG) to help me be happy in my life. It's actually worked. I feel I am in a much better place than I was a year ago. Obviously, there is a lot of work I still need to accomplish, but I'm getting there.
So if detaching works for you, what's his problem with how you cope? You can say "It is what it is. I do what I want to do about coping."
It sounds like DAG himself needs to detach a little bit. Maybe he was hoping for Kitchen Table Poly before, and that's just not your cup of tea. And you prefer very separate poly instead.
Galagirl