Considering breakup with partner while experiencing NRE with another

saltizen

New member
Hello all, I've been going through a really uncertain time and I'm looking for fresh perspectives on my situation.

I (M) have been in an open relationship with my primary partner Alex (M) for over 8 years. I love Alex deeply and the relationship has by and large been a happy one. Over the years we've both taken advantage of the open relationship. Alex has had some extended things with other guys on various levels short of a "full" relationship; for me, up until last year, I'd never had anything beyond casual dates and one-off hookups.

Last May, I went on a date with someone, Roy (M), and suffice it to say that we really hit it off and went on several more great dates over the next few months. I realized I was developing feelings for him, and after talking it through with Alex, I asked Roy if he'd like to be in a relationship in August and he said yes. All three of us were very familiar with open relationships, but this was the first time any of us were doing polyamory officially, with me at the hinge of the vee. While I definitely made a few mistakes on both sides as it was all ramping up, I feel like I've learned from my mistakes and taken the lessons to heart, and generally feel good about how things went.

This is where I feel things get a little complicated. Independent of the polyamory, I had been slowly (over a year or so) coming to terms with the possibility that my relationship with Alex may not be working for me anymore. The two of us were young and pretty immature when we started dating; we've both grown a great deal over the years and supported each other through it all, but ultimately I feel that we may have grown apart and that I may not want to continue this relationship further. I made up my mind on this and brought this up with Alex in December, and we mutually agreed that it made sense for us to take a break and spend some time apart to figure out on our own where we want our relationship to go and if we want it to continue. So Alex and I have been on a break and living apart for the past few months, with only occasional contact.

However, on the other side, with Roy, I am extremely deep in NRE. We felt a strong connection on multiple levels after the first date, and since then that sense of connection and understanding has deepened significantly. We only see each other every week or two, spending at most two days together at a time, and for the sake of making sure the break with Alex is productive for me, Roy and I have generally maintained this level of separation despite the fact that I'm living alone. But I'm extremely over the moon with him; I think about him a lot and we text a ton when we're not physically together.

It's been really weird alternating between being an emotional mess trying to figure out if things are going to work with Alex when I'm alone, and feeling giddy and happy when I'm with Roy. But ultimately, over the course of the break with Alex, after doing lots of thinking and talking with friends and with a therapist, I feel like I've been leaning towards breaking up entirely with Alex. It's been hard but necessary for me to acknowledge that this may be the right thing to do. However, I worry that NRE is clouding my judgment and that I may regret breaking up with Alex whenever the NRE finally settles with Roy. I'm aware that ending an existing old relationship while in NRE with a new one is a mistake that people make in the poly world. And I'm afraid that I'm making this decision rashly, despite trying hard to avoid being rash.

How can I feel more confident that I'm making the right choice while under the influence of NRE? Should I postpone any final decision until I feel the NRE has faded, even if I don't know how long that will take? I'd appreciate any thoughts around this. Thanks for the time you've taken to read this if you've gotten this far.
 
"
Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.
Søren Kierkegaard

As you spoke, I remembered this quote.

The pondering you're doing over the potential of regret would be relevant regardless of your new relationship.

It could be that your new relationship has shown you what a greater level of fulfillment looks like. Does that matter if it is a path to greater happiness?

You might regret breaking up with Alex. Is that a reason not to?
 
I made up my mind on this and brought this up with Alex in December, and we mutually agreed that it made sense for us to take a break and spend some time apart to figure out on our own where we want our relationship to go and if we want it to continue. So Alex and I have been on a break and living apart for the past few months, with only occasional contact.

So what does this mean to you? Because "on a break" to me is like a "soft break up." Basically broken up without calling it an "official break up." And if it goes on long enough with no movement or energy... may as well call it a break up then.

But ultimately, over the course of the break with Alex, after doing lots of thinking and talking with friends and with a therapist, I feel like I've been leaning towards breaking up entirely with Alex. It's been hard but necessary for me to acknowledge that this may be the right thing to do. However, I worry that NRE is clouding my judgment and that I may regret breaking up with Alex whenever the NRE finally settles with Roy. I'm aware that ending an existing old relationship while in NRE with a new one is a mistake that people make in the poly world. And I'm afraid that I'm making this decision rashly, despite trying hard to avoid being rash.

Or it's not a mistake and it's what needs to be.

Really the only one who can make the call is you. If you are unable to make the call at this time? Put a clock on it. Like final decision by X month if not sooner. Then it's not dragging out on and on and on.

And I'm afraid that I'm making this decision rashly, despite trying hard to avoid being rash.

And it alleviates your fear that you are being rash. Besides.... it hasn't been.

I had been slowly (over a year or so) coming to terms with the possibility that my relationship with Alex may not be working for me anymore.

You've spent a year in anticipatory grief over this looming break up.

No break up is fun. It's normal to feel regrets and sadness and all the other grief things.

But it's like you were in anticipatory grief and dragging that out. And now you seem to have come to final acceptance that yeah, it's the best thing to do. So you did it. And now you are in post break up grief.

I don't know your ages but you mentioned you and Alex getting together young. Is this whole experience compounded by this break up with Alex being the first young adult serious relationship breaking up? Because of youth and inexperience sometimes people do drag those out.
 
Last edited:
Hello saltizen,

Fortunately in poly, you don't have to choose between Roy and Alex, you can have both, even if your feelings for Roy are stronger right now than your feelings for Alex. Of course, just because you can keep Alex, doesn't necessarily mean you should. You have to consider whether the relationship with Alex is right for continuing on its own merits, and try to consider that without mixing Alex into the equation.

Since you feel that NRE may be clouding your judgment, it might be best to not decide about Alex (whether to break up with him) until the NRE dies down a little. This may take some time, but it will give you a better chance of not deciding something you might later regret.

I don't know whether you have made a pros/cons list about staying with Alex, you might want to do that in any case. Also this is a two-person decision: We don't know whether Alex, on his own, will decide to break up with you. I don't mean to put that harshly. But if he does, that will kind of take the decision out of your hands.

You do seem to be a conscientious person and based on what I know so far, I would trust your decision, whatever it was. Maybe the thing to do here is working on trusting yourself.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you, SEASONEDpolyAgain, GalaGirl, and Kevin T. for the thoughtful replies.

You might regret breaking up with Alex. Is that a reason not to?
I don't think I can fully grasp the Kierkegaard quote at the moment, but what I'm getting out of it is that regret will happen in life no matter what I choose to do, and I think I agree. So no, potential regret is not a good reason to not break up. And ultimately, no matter what happens, it's up to me to choose how I view regretful thoughts.

So what does this mean to you? Because "on a break" to me is like a "soft break up."
Alex and I agreed at the very beginning of the break to do a serious check-in with each other, in person, at the beginning of March, and spend some time discussing how we wanted to move forward from there. Both of us committed to working on things and really thinking things through during this limited "soft break up". We're both moving, independently, with the goal of trying to figure out if this can work. I think that for the first time, Alex is really, genuinely, working on changing some of the things that I've expressed unhappiness about over time. But I don't know if I have it in me to hang around and figure out if the changes that I need will be sustained in the long term. Part of me feels like I've already given up, to be honest, and I guess I feel kind of bad about that when I do see the effort that Alex is putting in now. Part of me hopes that some flame might be rekindled upon seeing him again.

If you are unable to make the call at this time? Put a clock on it.
This is a good idea.

I don't know your ages but you mentioned you and Alex getting together young. Is this whole experience compounded by this break up with Alex being the first young adult serious relationship breaking up? Because of youth and inexperience sometimes people do drag those out.
We're both 29. I do think that what you mention is very much the case, at least for me. Inexperience and a general lack of self-awareness around what's important to me in a relationship have definitely contributed to this dragging out.

Since you feel that NRE may be clouding your judgment, it might be best to not decide about Alex (whether to break up with him) until the NRE dies down a little. This may take some time, but it will give you a better chance of not deciding something you might later regret.
How do I know when NRE is dying down? I feel it very strongly still, over half a year after defining the relationship. If it has the potential to take a long time to die down, it doesn't feel fair to keep Alex in some holding pattern while I wait for things to settle down with Roy.

I don't know whether you have made a pros/cons list about staying with Alex, you might want to do that in any case. Also this is a two-person decision: We don't know whether Alex, on his own, will decide to break up with you. I don't mean to put that harshly. But if he does, that will kind of take the decision out of your hands.
I have made a pro/con list, and I think it kind of pushed the needle towards breaking up. I'd like to revisit it, though, because I wasn't in a great spot emotionally when I wrote it down. And I do appreciate the reminder that Alex may very well decide to break up with me.

Maybe the thing to do here is working on trusting yourself.
I think I needed to hear this, thank you.
 
Sounds like you already put a clock on it. To check in at the top of March. Could follow through with that. Make another pros/cons list.

And then decide at that time if efforts to improve are enough for you to give another extension and date again.

Or you make the call at the top of March that it's just too little too late and you prefer to move on than keep dragging it out.
 
Last edited:
Hi saltizen,

I think NRE dying down is an obvious thing, even if it is mostly just an intuitive thing. You have less butterflies in your stomach when you think about Roy. The world seems more "normal" like it did before you met Roy. Not so filled with rainbows everywhere, if that makes sense. And you become more aware of Roy's faults (and everyone has faults).

You might want to consider getting together more often with Roy. Rationing your contact with the object of your NRE does make the NRE last longer. And it's true, NRE can last a long time, although in every case I've seen so far (including my own), it does fade eventually. If it fades even just a little, that might be enough to make your decision about Alex. Although it sounds like you've kind of already made your decision, is that true? Maybe it's better to make that decision official now, before Alex invests any more effort into improving himself for you.

Or, like you were saying, hold off on making any final decision until the beginning of March. That gives you about two weeks to think about it which seems like a nice compromise.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
To check in at the top of March. Could follow through with that. Make another pros/cons list.
hold off on making any final decision until the beginning of March. That gives you about two weeks to think about it which seems like a nice compromise.
Yeah, this is what I'll do.

I think NRE dying down is an obvious thing, even if it is mostly just an intuitive thing.
Maybe it's possible that the NRE is going away or transforming into something else, although I think the magnitude of my feelings towards Roy is just as strong as ever. I definitely did get butterflies thinking about him for a while at the beginning, and while I still really enjoy thinking about him, the underlying feeling is more of a deep affection than that visceral fluttery feeling. There's definitely a level of familiarity forming between us too, just from spending time together, although perhaps that can coexist with NRE, I'm not sure. This is the first time I've fallen for someone while also having awareness of the processes that are going on, so I don't have previous personal examples I can think back on.

it sounds like you've kind of already made your decision, is that true?
It's possible that you and GalaGirl are seeing something here that I'm not - inferring from what I've written that I've already made up my mind about breaking up. And I guess it's entirely possible that I have. When I authored this thread I definitely felt like I hadn't. I really need to look into myself and see if I've known this whole time what my decision is going to be.
 
To me you seem on the fence.

I think eventually it's best to make up your mind rather than dragging it out indefinitely.
 
Hi saltizen,

I can't find anything that states outright that you are leaning towards breaking up with Alex, but I did find a few statements that vaguely suggested the needle has swung closer to the idea of breaking up. I do recommend revisiting the pros and cons list, you mentioned that you were in a bad place emotionally the last time you wrote the list, so maybe now you can do another list from a clearer frame of mind.

From your latest post, it sounds like the NRE has mellowed out a little. If that's true, then you are probably ready to make your decision about Alex. There's just two weeks left in February, so use that time well.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
What does your "on a break" with Alex look like? Have you gone "no contact"? What are your conflicts? If you do start dating again, what do you want that to look like? Continue living apart and just having, say, 1-4 dates a month? Sleepovers or not? With sex or not? Vacations together or not?

Maybe you've heard of the relationship escalator. In poly, you can get off at any floor. It doesn't have to lead to living together/marriage til death parts us. Maybe you and Alex could continue by being more "comet" partners. Getting together X number of times a month or year, as long as those dates go well, and are mutually satisfying in the ways you both want. Maybe sex will be a component. Maybe you will be intimate partners who do not have sex. All of this can be negotiated.

In other words, in poly it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Maybe Roy is better for you now, at 29, for a more full relationship. But if you miss Alex, I hope you two can continue as friends at least, even if not romantic partners in any way.
 
Last edited:
How do I know when NRE is dying down? I feel it very strongly still, over half a year after defining the relationship. If it has the potential to take a long time to die down, it doesn't feel fair to keep Alex in some holding pattern while I wait for things to settle down with Roy.

NRE, as far as I can tell, is just meant to describe that rush of hormones at the early part of an association. If it seems to be going on for a while, then that might just be how your relationship goes for a period of time. I wouldn't give it too much authority over my decision making; when you've come to a decision, now is as good a time as any.

I have made a pro/con list, and I think it kind of pushed the needle towards breaking up. I'd like to revisit it, though, because I wasn't in a great spot emotionally when I wrote it down. And I do appreciate the reminder that Alex may very well decide to break up with me.

Whether or not you two stick together, this is a good opportunity to review how you feel about relationships, and what your expectations are. Since you've already written out a list of pros and cons, you're already one step ahead. Each honest entry on a list like that will tell you something about how you are assuming a relationship should play out.

I bring it up because you are talking about "breaking up" as opposed to "adjusting the relationship". When we don't have to stick to traditional configurations for our relationships, we open up room for variation. Theoretically, you might be looking at your long term partner through too specific a lens, and maybe you both need to take a step back and give your association a fresh look. Are you trying to smush the relationship into a shape that it naturally wants to fit? What shape might it naturally fit into?
 
I wanted to come back and provide an update here. I never responded to the latest round of replies, but I did read them all as they were coming in and I thought they were helpful.

I broke up with Alex this past weekend, after we ended the break and got back into contact. It was really tough to do, because he really wanted to keep things going. We're both really sad about the whole thing and I think I'm going to be grieving for a while. But part of me is also a little relieved that I finally decided one way or another. I would like to continue to be friends with him once a bit of time passes (as trite as that sounds).

I did appreciate the thoughts to see if there was some sort of adjustment to the relationship that could be made to make it work, some sort of alternate configuration that wasn't on the traditional relationship escalator. Indeed, Roy and I created ourselves a pretty customized arrangement that worked for us and I really like that aspect of poly. But I thought about this with respect to Alex and decided that it would be best for myself (and probably for him) to just call things off entirely.

I'm not really sure what's going to happen with Roy, because we defined our relationship hierarchically with the full knowledge that Alex and I were primary partners, and now that's gone. We know that we'd like to keep seeing each other, and while we still have a lot of talking to do about where we're going, I think we're optimistic that we can keep effectively developing on a relationship shape that works for the two of us.

Thanks to everyone for chiming in; this was a really great resource to have when I felt like I was really confused and in a rough spot.
 
Hi saltizen,

Thanks for that update. I'm sorry to hear about the breakup with Alex, but I think maybe it's for the best. I hope you and Roy can continue your relationship with each other, although it will probably feel strange at first with Alex not being in the picture. Like maybe you are neither primary nor secondary to each other at this point, maybe your relationship is not now to be defined by hierarchical terms. Anyway if you hit any new snags let us know, and we will try to help. Also let us know if things are going good. We hope to keep in touch with you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
While no break up is fun, I'm glad you are feeling relief for having decided more firmly that this is done.

After taking some time to heal and be plain exes, if both of you want it? I hope you and Alex can change again to be exes and friends.
 
Back
Top