Hello all, I've been going through a really uncertain time and I'm looking for fresh perspectives on my situation.
I (M) have been in an open relationship with my primary partner Alex (M) for over 8 years. I love Alex deeply and the relationship has by and large been a happy one. Over the years we've both taken advantage of the open relationship. Alex has had some extended things with other guys on various levels short of a "full" relationship; for me, up until last year, I'd never had anything beyond casual dates and one-off hookups.
Last May, I went on a date with someone, Roy (M), and suffice it to say that we really hit it off and went on several more great dates over the next few months. I realized I was developing feelings for him, and after talking it through with Alex, I asked Roy if he'd like to be in a relationship in August and he said yes. All three of us were very familiar with open relationships, but this was the first time any of us were doing polyamory officially, with me at the hinge of the vee. While I definitely made a few mistakes on both sides as it was all ramping up, I feel like I've learned from my mistakes and taken the lessons to heart, and generally feel good about how things went.
This is where I feel things get a little complicated. Independent of the polyamory, I had been slowly (over a year or so) coming to terms with the possibility that my relationship with Alex may not be working for me anymore. The two of us were young and pretty immature when we started dating; we've both grown a great deal over the years and supported each other through it all, but ultimately I feel that we may have grown apart and that I may not want to continue this relationship further. I made up my mind on this and brought this up with Alex in December, and we mutually agreed that it made sense for us to take a break and spend some time apart to figure out on our own where we want our relationship to go and if we want it to continue. So Alex and I have been on a break and living apart for the past few months, with only occasional contact.
However, on the other side, with Roy, I am extremely deep in NRE. We felt a strong connection on multiple levels after the first date, and since then that sense of connection and understanding has deepened significantly. We only see each other every week or two, spending at most two days together at a time, and for the sake of making sure the break with Alex is productive for me, Roy and I have generally maintained this level of separation despite the fact that I'm living alone. But I'm extremely over the moon with him; I think about him a lot and we text a ton when we're not physically together.
It's been really weird alternating between being an emotional mess trying to figure out if things are going to work with Alex when I'm alone, and feeling giddy and happy when I'm with Roy. But ultimately, over the course of the break with Alex, after doing lots of thinking and talking with friends and with a therapist, I feel like I've been leaning towards breaking up entirely with Alex. It's been hard but necessary for me to acknowledge that this may be the right thing to do. However, I worry that NRE is clouding my judgment and that I may regret breaking up with Alex whenever the NRE finally settles with Roy. I'm aware that ending an existing old relationship while in NRE with a new one is a mistake that people make in the poly world. And I'm afraid that I'm making this decision rashly, despite trying hard to avoid being rash.
How can I feel more confident that I'm making the right choice while under the influence of NRE? Should I postpone any final decision until I feel the NRE has faded, even if I don't know how long that will take? I'd appreciate any thoughts around this. Thanks for the time you've taken to read this if you've gotten this far.
I (M) have been in an open relationship with my primary partner Alex (M) for over 8 years. I love Alex deeply and the relationship has by and large been a happy one. Over the years we've both taken advantage of the open relationship. Alex has had some extended things with other guys on various levels short of a "full" relationship; for me, up until last year, I'd never had anything beyond casual dates and one-off hookups.
Last May, I went on a date with someone, Roy (M), and suffice it to say that we really hit it off and went on several more great dates over the next few months. I realized I was developing feelings for him, and after talking it through with Alex, I asked Roy if he'd like to be in a relationship in August and he said yes. All three of us were very familiar with open relationships, but this was the first time any of us were doing polyamory officially, with me at the hinge of the vee. While I definitely made a few mistakes on both sides as it was all ramping up, I feel like I've learned from my mistakes and taken the lessons to heart, and generally feel good about how things went.
This is where I feel things get a little complicated. Independent of the polyamory, I had been slowly (over a year or so) coming to terms with the possibility that my relationship with Alex may not be working for me anymore. The two of us were young and pretty immature when we started dating; we've both grown a great deal over the years and supported each other through it all, but ultimately I feel that we may have grown apart and that I may not want to continue this relationship further. I made up my mind on this and brought this up with Alex in December, and we mutually agreed that it made sense for us to take a break and spend some time apart to figure out on our own where we want our relationship to go and if we want it to continue. So Alex and I have been on a break and living apart for the past few months, with only occasional contact.
However, on the other side, with Roy, I am extremely deep in NRE. We felt a strong connection on multiple levels after the first date, and since then that sense of connection and understanding has deepened significantly. We only see each other every week or two, spending at most two days together at a time, and for the sake of making sure the break with Alex is productive for me, Roy and I have generally maintained this level of separation despite the fact that I'm living alone. But I'm extremely over the moon with him; I think about him a lot and we text a ton when we're not physically together.
It's been really weird alternating between being an emotional mess trying to figure out if things are going to work with Alex when I'm alone, and feeling giddy and happy when I'm with Roy. But ultimately, over the course of the break with Alex, after doing lots of thinking and talking with friends and with a therapist, I feel like I've been leaning towards breaking up entirely with Alex. It's been hard but necessary for me to acknowledge that this may be the right thing to do. However, I worry that NRE is clouding my judgment and that I may regret breaking up with Alex whenever the NRE finally settles with Roy. I'm aware that ending an existing old relationship while in NRE with a new one is a mistake that people make in the poly world. And I'm afraid that I'm making this decision rashly, despite trying hard to avoid being rash.
How can I feel more confident that I'm making the right choice while under the influence of NRE? Should I postpone any final decision until I feel the NRE has faded, even if I don't know how long that will take? I'd appreciate any thoughts around this. Thanks for the time you've taken to read this if you've gotten this far.