So for those wondering why don't we just push back the wedding that's not an option.
Okay, so nothing would derail this wedding, and marrying each other is of highest priority to both of you, regardless of the big question mark about what kind of marriage you want. I don't understand it, but I know how to logically toggle this to "already married, for all practical purposes." I can move forward with that definition. I think it's a bad idea to see the wedding as a done deal, but I accept that you both do so.
We commonly say around here that once you open up a marriage, that marriage is over, and a new relationship begins. If you'd gotten married last month, all the advice would still apply (except saying to think again about getting married before you sort this stuff out).
I asked her what's the emergency for this why do this now? She said there isn't one but do we really want to wait until there is an emergency before exploring this?
That was ... unexpected. The point isn't that the question of opening your marriage will inevitably lead to an emergency. The point is that there is literally nothing (that has been admitted) rushing the decision to open this monogamous relationship. A crush is not an emergency. Realizing you might be up for "open" is not an emergency.
It's a good time to think, talk, understand, and plan together. It's a terrible time to be impulsive when you are playing with things like jealousy, the meaning of marriage, and your friend's vulnerable state.
Does it feel smart or healthy to create emergencies to explore new ideas? This isn't adding a splash of Worcestershire to the mac and cheese. This is non-trivial.
"Hey, I imagined you eating fire, and it looked really cool. Have you ever thought of eating fire?"
"No, but now you mention it, hand me that flaming brazier."
"Umm ... there's no emergency ... "
"Why wait for an emergency to explore this?"
I found out she is enjoying the chase part of it all. He is likely being respectful of our relationship and hasn't tried anything with her not even sexting or flirting.
That makes her even more curious about him because of it. She also said it's a natural thing to feel that chase or feel wanted.
Have you ever talked about how this "natural thing" might manifest in your married life? Open or closed, do you know what each other's boundaries are around a partner being flirtatious or encouraging a chase?
She said she's afraid I'll leave her for another woman, she's afraid I'll constantly be on the dating site which I said why we set parameters for that.
She said she's afraid it's like opening pandoras box and that I'll be talking to multiple women at once and she isn't doing that. We have someone to compare me to in B and she said she could never be with him long term because they don't agree on anything.
So, she seems to have some idea of what "open" looks like to her. It seems to be (surprise, surprise) very much in line with this particular person's potential availability to her. Is she saying she would never consider pursuing [whatever she wants with B] with someone else, someone who agrees with her on more things?
Also, does it make any sense to jump to "open" with someone who doesn't trust you to stay with her, who is afraid of all the potential ways she could get hurt by you having options? I think she's realistic to voice these fears, and to understand their potential. But to make her fears and mistrust the reasons you should agree to whatever she wants right now?
Can you both take B out of the discussion, and talk in a more general about what both want out of "open"? Her discussion points seem very focused on this person, now, now, and not very welcoming to any ideas you have for finding potential [love/sex/whatever] partners.
Earlier you said
I was being selfish thinking I'd be the only one dealing with backlash if word got out.
Did you think she wouldn't deal with backlash? Is both of you dealing with backlash somehow a point in
favor of barrelling ahead with this guy?
She also said if we put this on the back burner and 6 months or 1yr from now if she is pregnant or a new horn baby it's not going to be ideal for her to engage in one but she's afraid I'll open up the relationship when she's pregnant because I won't want her as much and she won't be with anyone while pregnant so how is that fair.
So, the emergency is that the marriage is a done deal, and most liekly pregnancy soon after, so she won't be able/willing to be open while she's pregnant? And again with the not trusting future you to be a decent partner? So the emergency response is that you must consent to open, on her side, right now, with a person from work?
Would that sound smart to you if a friend came to you for advice IRL? Would you tell that friend it sounded like a good deal that just needs a few conversations to iron out the details? Or would that be like "Whoa! She's living in the future where she's pregnant and you're an asshole and that's what you're supposed to act on today?"
I would tell that friend to
not agree to these impulsive requests, even if he was the one who first brought up the subject. Talking is one thing. Action has real effects outside the relationship. I would tell that friend I'm worried that his reasonable concerns are answered with retorts that include accusations of selfishness or indictments of his possible awful behaviors far in the future.
I understand you may not have a friend you can discuss this with. This is what counseling is for. You likely have counseling services available through work. Take advantage of them. Get some help sorting out the confusion. Alone and together.
I had hoped I'd get some good input or answers in this thread and it's honestly been mixed reviews that fill my head with more doubt and jealousy then anything else.
There is a lot of experience in this forum. Almost no one comes in, new to polyamory or open relationships, and hears, "Sounds great! I'm sure it'll work out just like you expect! Jump in, the water's great!" This is hard stuff to make work without really taking stock of yourselves, your relationships to each other and your communities, and your expectations, plans, and hopes for the future.
We don't have the magic words to make your jealousy go away (though Kevin's jealousy links are gold). And in your case, your jealousy is only part of the huge ball of snakes your fiancee is blithely toeing.
I truly wish you the best. But I really, really think you need to do a reality check. Slow down before someone gets hurt.
