Control vs. respect: spouse vs. partner

I met and married my spouse several years ago. We met through a dating app where I was "out" as poly and I was in a poly relationship with another couple. That relationship with them ended for reasons not related to me and my spouse. My spouse does not identify as poly but was fine with me being poly when we met.

I was monogamous with my spouse for these several years but recently started a poly relationship. I was ethical, did not do anything behind anyone's back. Spouse was at first threatened by me starting a relationship. Then spouse accepted and even supported it as part of my sexuality-- but didn't want the new partner anywhere near our home and only wanted me to have once a week visits.

I pushed back for twice a week which is working out well, and I think that's where it will stay.

The poly partner lives quite a distance away. I would like poly partner to stay at our home overnight sometimes for convenience and to show them my home. The partner and I would spend time in my office, not my spousal bedroom.
My spouse is saying no way, the partner cannot come into our home. The spouse and partner have met at a public event. My spouse agrees that my partner is a safe, decent, nice person.

Here's how I feel-- it's my home, too. And I have a right to invite whomever I want over. I have a right to invite anyone into my personal office. I have always been very discrete with relationships, and my affections are only in private with both spouse and partner.

If it were a casual friend of mine, my spouse would not have the right to tell me I couldn't have my friend(s) over, nor would my spouse object to inviting friends over. I feel that my spouse is currently being very controllling. But . . I also don't want to disrespect my spouse's feelings.

I would appreciate advice and perspectives.
 
Hello RosesAreRainbow,

It sounds like you are torn between wanting to respect your spouse's feelings, and between feeling like your spouse's feelings go too far. I suppose your spouse feels that letting you be poly is an overly generous gesture, and that therefore your spouse has earned special rights to limit how, when, and in this case where you get together with your partner. I am not sure how you can explain to your spouse that this is not the case. That the same rules (and privileges) should apply to your partner as what would apply to your platonic friends. Sure you have been considerate and conscientious about how you practice poly, but on some level I think that your spouse disapproves of poly, or at least doesn't understand it. You can respect your spouse's feelings, but you don't have to agree with your spouse's opinion. Tell your spouse that you have a right to have your partner over, as long as you and your partner are in your personal office.

I hope you can work things out.
Kevin T.
 
I agree with you.

Other people will say one's home is entitled to be a safe space.

I don't disagree with that, exactly. I think some people need their home to be a safe space.

I think some people need their home to be a place they can bring all their partners.

I don't think these two sets of people are compatible as nesting partners.

I think it's easy for the "safe space" people to think their need automatically comes before their partner's need for a "poly-friendly" residence. I don't agree with this. I think it's mononormative.

I think the "Poly-friendly" people can think being poly means they should just be able to bring their partners into their marital home.

I think everyone should acknowledge that living with people comes with having to make some compromises, or at the very least, acting with more consideration than one would alone.

That's why some choose not to live with anyone.
 
Thank you both for replying and so quickly, too. You have both been very validating to my feelings.

I didn't mention it in the original post because it really shouldn't be a factor here-- but my spouse has repeatedly violated my trust in the past. The hurt part of me asks myself why I then would be so mindful of their feelings since they were not mindful of mine. I guess I just try to be a good and fair person regardless. Sometimes that works to my disadvantage as I try to have everyone happy in a situation where not everyone is going to 100% get their way. I will be having a good deep talk with my spouse tonight.

SEASONED, you are right it would be SO much simpler to live alone. It's also nice to share living expenses and household upkeep though. And we have a child in common who feels more secure living with both parents together. We don't fight and are generally a peaceful loving him. (And yes it's simpler not to have kids either haha!) ;-)
 
Hello RosesAreRainbow,

I don't blame you for feeling hurt in the past when your spouse violated your trust. I think just about anyone would say, "Why should I be considerate of my spouse, when they were not considerate of me?" You are taking the high road to try to play fair in the current circumstance, without regard to how your spouse acted in the past.

Hang in there,
Kevin T.
 
I don’t think it has anything to do with it being a safe space but rather self delusion zone. Reality isn’t behind that door or wall. Also think people desperately try to create special or create status in their heads because their partner or spouse is moving toward toward less hierarchy.

I’d suggest it’s time he just face his fears / discomfort and reality. HE knew what he was signing up for. AND this is the reality of that. What’s the specific safety issue with having another partner in their home ? How will being intimate/ having sex in the office OR in the spousal bed or bedroom be unsafe or such a desecration of those spaces at to cause any real harm to your relationship. It seems more manufactured for denial. I say pop the bubble…rip off the bandaid.
 
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I don’t think it has anything to do with it being a safe space but rather self delusion zone. Reality isn’t behind that door or wall. Also think people desperately try to create special or create status in their heads because their partner or spouse is moving toward toward less hierarchy.

I’d suggest it’s time he just face his fears / discomfort and reality. HE knew what he was signing up for. AND this is the reality of that. What’s the specific safety issue with having another partner in their home ? How will being intimate/ having sex in the office OR in the spousal bed or bedroom be unsafe or such a desecration of those spaces at to cause any real harm to your relationship. It seems more manufactured for denial. I say pop the bubble…rip off the bandaid.
Very well-put, thank you. You are right on all points. I scheduled a family dinner at a restaurant for us all for 2 weeks from now, so we can meet and talk. After that I will be inviting my partner to my home to hang out or stay the night. I informed both partner and spouse that I don't wish to be overly affectionate/flirty if we are all together. I think that should do it.
 
When you first met Spouse and were dating the couple, I guess you always went to their place? So, out of sight, out of mind. When you first meet someone and they already have one (in your case, 2) established relationship(s), that's one thing. When you start dating someone new, the more mono-type partner can feel threatened, displaced, afraid of loss, grossed out to think of another person's genitals flapping around in their safe space.

Men are especially threatened by their wives dating another man. They usually better feel if their bi wife is dating women only. This is of course, misogynistic and bears looking at. Men are trained by society to be very competitive, and there's that shadow of cuckoldry lurking.

I think you could acknowledge Spouse's feelings. We don't all adjust to change that easily. There is a whole spectrum of how to deal with the idea of bringing other lovers back to one's shared marital home. Everywhere from the spouses sharing the single person, to, "No, we will never bring our lovers to our shared home." It is up to each couple/individual to negotiate this boundary.

You could start small and only have Partner over when Spouse is going to be out. Then, after a period of time doing that, you could have Partner over for just a couple hours. Maybe have Partner over for dinner, but don't retreat to the "office" for sex on that date. And so on...

You probably wouldn't want to start right out with having Partner spend the night, sharing a bathroom with Spouse and all. To be honest, every person has a smell, a body and hair smell, especially after having sex or sleeping, and that might be jarring. Also, people leave shed hairs on the bathroom tiles. This is a forced intimacy your Spouse might not be ready for yet. Start out slow.
 
When you first met Spouse and were dating the couple, I guess you always went to their place? So, out of sight, out of mind. When you first meet someone and they already have one (in your case, 2) established relationship(s), that's one thing. When you start dating someone new, the more mono-type partner can feel threatened, displaced, afraid of loss, grossed out to think of another person's genitals flapping around in their safe space.

Men are especially threatened by their wives dating another man. They usually better feel if their bi wife is dating women only. This is of course, misogynistic and bears looking at. Men are trained by society to be very competitive, and there's that shadow of cuckoldry lurking.

I think you could acknowledge Spouse's feelings. We don't all adjust to change that easily. There is a whole spectrum of how to deal with the idea of bringing other lovers back to one's shared marital home. Everywhere from the spouses sharing the single person, to, "No, we will never bring our lovers to our shared home." It is up to each couple/individual to negotiate this boundary.

You could start small and only have Partner over when Spouse is going to be out. Then, after a period of time doing that, you could have Partner over for just a couple hours. Maybe have Partner over for dinner, but don't retreat to the "office" for sex on that date. And so on...

You probably wouldn't want to start right out with having Partner spend the night, sharing a bathroom with Spouse and all. To be honest, every person has a smell, a body and hair smell, especially after having sex or sleeping, and that might be jarring. Also, people leave shed hairs on the bathroom tiles. This is a forced intimacy your Spouse might not be ready for yet. Start out slow.
Thank you for replying so thoughtfully! I appreciate all this guidance and the perspectives so much!

I was dating the other couple for about a year when I met Spouse. The male member of the couple came to my house for sexual times 1-2x a week. The female member was someone I was emotionally very close to and we would snuggle, etc but not sexual. They were experienced poly and I had some light experience with my former marriage being open at times. At the time I met Spouse they were living in their own home, and we would alternate their house or mine.

As far as my new partner coming over-- yes I agree that there would be some intrusion of smells, hairs, etc. I have always had excellent hygiene especially before/after sex as a courtesy to partners and expected the same of them. I know some scents linger anyway but it's at least not very obvious. We discussed that Partner would use the guest bathroom and not use the master bathroom/bedroom, so Spouse will always have that space be theirs and ours together. My office has a sofa bed. The common areas of the home are to be used only for casual behavior if both Spouse and Partner are there at the same time. Spouse also has an office/game room to hang out in.

I like your idea of easing into it. Have hangout time, or have Partner over the first time when Spouse is out.

Spouse finished reading More Than Two last night and we talked for about 2.5 hours and went through chapter by chapter. It was very good open conversation. Spouse is trying to be supportive. Spouse also joined a local ethical poly group with me, which has good social events as well as support events to talk about issues and feelings.

I think we are getting there. Thanks again. I'll post updates as things progress.
 
How long were you and your husband effectively mono ? Did it start before or after you got married ?

I was poly with the couple for a year. I branched out and found my Spouse, and the poly relationship lasted about 4-5 months after that. The poly couple had personal problems was becoming toxic, so I left that situation.
The mono started after that. It was originally a default situation. Then, we wanted to get pregnant and have a child, so naturally we became formerly mono. It took some time to get pregnant. We got married during that time for insurance reasons, then we had a formal ceremony later right before the child was born. The child is now 3 years old, so I suppose we were mono for 4-5 years.

Side Story--
During that time my Spouse also did some very dishonest things that broke my trust. It involved mental health issues we didn't know the spouse had (that badly at least) until it reared its head during the Pandemic. Spouse is now much more stable, making amends, and forgiven and loved, but that trust is gone forever. (It was some pretty bad stuff) The Spouse is also working hard on their own recovery and healing journey. During the thick of it, which was about 2 years' time, Spouse was not at all emotionally and physically available, and during that time I started to think -- and voice-- that when child was a bit older I would seek a Partner again. So this was not a complete surprise to Spouse at all.

I have communicated clearly to Spouse that my intention is to remain married and sharing a household and raising our child. The only exception is if the mental health issues come up again badly enough that child is not emotionally or physically safe, in which case I will seek divorce.
 
I'm sorry you went through that, but glad Spouse is following up on their mental health treatments. I hope that continues.

Of course, seeking another partner/OSO should not be used as a punishment when our Spouse is ill. I see a little tit-for-tat thought/mentality going on. Polyamory only really works, when you're already partnered, if pretty much everything in the primary relationship is on an even keel, communication is excellent, there is massive respect and consideration, etc. I am sure you know that, from having done it before, and I'm glad Spouse is reading the right kinds of books.

The author of More Than Two has been discredited for his personal behaviors not following what he preached, but I think his general ideas are fine. Another couple of good books are Opening Up, and Polysecure.
 
How old is your child and how long have you been seeing your newer partner? Is that a factor at all for having the newer person in your shared home?

Genuinely curious. I'm typically a "safe space" believer. If my partner or kid isn't comfortable with someone in their home? That person doesn't come here. We have a small house with no real personal spaces suitable for hosting guests though, so they ARE interacting with everyone that comes over unless they are only here for the night (meaning arriving after kid and spouse go to bed and leaving before they get up). I am up front about my hosting limitations, though. If I had my own space that had room for hanging out outside of bed? I wouldn't be as hesitant to bring someone else in the home since they could stay in my PERSONAL safe space and out of kid and spouse's SHARED safe space, yknow?
 
I'm sorry you went through that, but glad Spouse is following up on their mental health treatments. I hope that continues.

Of course, seeking another partner/OSO should not be used as a punishment when our Spouse is ill. I see a little tit-for-tat thought/mentality going on. Polyamory only really works, when you're already partnered, if pretty much everything in the primary relationship is on an even keel, communication is excellent, there is massive respect and consideration, etc. I am sure you know that, from having done it before, and I'm glad Spouse is reading the right kinds of books.

The author of More Than Two has been discredited for his personal behaviors not following what he preached, but I think his general ideas are fine. Another couple of good books are Opening Up, and Polysecure.

Absolutely do not believe in punishment or tit for tat. I'm a very fair and ethical person, always have open communication. I was light poly in my first marriage as well, both before and after kids. This is my natural inclination. Pandemic, stress, and a baby/toddler kinda put the damper on any desire to bring anyone else into my fold. I am a healthcare worker and was frankly traumatized by my experience. I was also traumatized by the mental health blowup that happened in what I thought was a stable relationship.

I made sure both Spouse and I were in a good mental health place before opening up this topic. I would never want to add stress to their life or make them feel "less than." In fact the love that is now flowing again my heart has flowed right to my Spouse and our relationship is better. I am able to be myself again, and that makes me happy, and that benefits everyone in my life.

Ugh that's too bad that the author did not practice what he preached in More Than Two. Still, it gives us the concepts and vocabulary to have our own discussions. Ultimately we control our own behaviors and make our own decisions.
 
How old is your child and how long have you been seeing your newer partner? Is that a factor at all for having the newer person in your shared home?

Genuinely curious. I'm typically a "safe space" believer. If my partner or kid isn't comfortable with someone in their home? That person doesn't come here. We have a small house with no real personal spaces suitable for hosting guests though, so they ARE interacting with everyone that comes over unless they are only here for the night (meaning arriving after kid and spouse go to bed and leaving before they get up). I am up front about my hosting limitations, though. If I had my own space that had room for hanging out outside of bed? I wouldn't be as hesitant to bring someone else in the home since they could stay in my PERSONAL safe space and out of kid and spouse's SHARED safe space, yknow?

Child at home is 3. My older children have grown and flown. We are a very open minded household, both my older kids have alternative sexual and gender identities. We are open about health, sex (as age appropriate), and alternative non-traditional relationships. We attend a church that is also very non-traditional relationship/identity friendly. We plan to raise our little one with the same open-mindedness.

Re: safe space-- totally 100% agree on making it a safe home for children. They come first. It is their home. I have known Partner for some years, but we only turned romantic recently. I actually dated them a couple times before Spouse and I decided to close off and have a child. Partner is a person of good character and ethics. They also have one older minor child in their home who likes me, but whose privacy and space is respected. Discretion is used at all times in front of the children.

Spouse has been reassured that they will not be replaced as a parent. Partner has no desire or intention to parent little one. They will eventually be introduced as a "friend" which is age appropriate.
I do have a large office that even has a separate outside entrance from main home. It does not have a bathroom, but it does have a sleeper sofa and privacy. I do think Partner should have the right to use the guest bathroom, get a drink of water in the kitchen, watch TV on the couch, etc. As any of my platonic friends would be welcome to.
 
The reason for my questions was how long did your husband get use to / get in the habit of being in a mono relationship. I made the comment he knew what he was getting into …which is true however the demotion and displacement / loss is still going to be an adjustment. You say after the incident through work and time he’s been forgiven and is loved does that mean there’s still a romantic relationship in play. Or is it i love him just not in love with him. It sounds like damage and collateral effects from the incident were / are the primary driver for wanting additional partners And to be back in the poly pool.

And just to be clear because everyone has their own definition what they need and want and how they go about fulfilling that you‘re talking full blown romantic relationship not some once / twice a week meet up for sex ? You’re investing in the whole package is that correct ?
 
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The reason for my questions was how long did your husband get use to / get in the habit of being in a mono relationship. I made the comment he knew what he was getting into …which is true however the demotion and displacement / loss is still going to be an adjustment. You say after the incident through work and time he’s been forgiven and is loved does that mean there’s still a romantic relationship in play. Or is it i love him just not in love with him. It sounds like damage and collateral effects from the incident were / are the primary driver for wanting additional partners And to be back in the poly pool.

And just to be clear because everyone has their own definition what they need and want and how they go about fulfilling that you‘re talking full blown romantic relationship not some once / twice a week meet up for sex ? You’re investing in the whole package is that correct ?

I'm glad for the questions. It makes me think and explore my own intentions and thoughts.

I don't think it's a demotion at all. Spouse and I wear matching wedding rings, share a home and a child and a life together. We started rebuilding the romantic side about a year ago, went through marriage counseling, and generally are in a good place. We are intimate on a regular basis as of the past few months. There were several lies from my Spouse, ongoing lies and deception that hurt us financially and hurt me emotionally.So yeah, although there is forgiveness, there was also some pretty bad damage done. I forgive because of a legit mental illness and Spouse is being good about treatments/therapy/making amends. Not just for me but to their parents.

Partner lives separately, has no interest in marriage or co-habitation, and is a happy person in their life. Partner was a friend and there is an intellectual and emotional connection, as well as physical. Yes I am investing in the whole package of the Partner. We both feel this may be a long-term relationship, but always in separate households and lives.
 
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SEASONED, you are right it would be SO much simpler to live alone. It's also nice to share living expenses and household upkeep though. And we have a child in common who feels more secure living with both parents together. We don't fight and are generally a peaceful loving him. (And yes it's simpler not to have kids either haha!) ;-)

That's where I'd move on from allowing this to be a mental battle and accepting it as a consequence of a choice that I stand by. You chose your life with your husband as live-in coparents for the foreseeable future, and that means he has some firm boundaries you need to abide by.

I'd see any shift from that as a big bonus
 
That's where I'd move on from allowing this to be a mental battle and accepting it as a consequence of a choice that I stand by. You chose your life with your husband as live-in coparents for the foreseeable future, and that means he has some firm boundaries you need to abide by.

I'd see any shift from that as a big bonus
It was "for the forseeable future" not forever necessarily. Spouse knew I was poly, had been poly in my past marriage, and might be poly again. We agreed that we would be mono during the pregnancy/baby stage and then it was a "wait and see" if I remained mono. Full disclosure was given before marriage.
 
It was "for the forseeable future" not forever necessarily. Spouse knew I was poly, had been poly in my past marriage, and might be poly again. We agreed that we would be mono during the pregnancy/baby stage and then it was a "wait and see" if I remained mono. Full disclosure was given before marriage.
Sorry maybe I wasn't clear, I mean I'd move forward to accepting that your choice to stay in the relationship with your husband means that although you can still be poly, you can't bring partners home. Being poly doesn't mean you get to bring partners into your marital home. You still qualify as poly without that feature.

Unless you specifically said I'd expect to be poly in the future AND bring partners home, I don't think he's pulled a bait and switch or anything.
 
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