Conveying Importance

BathedInSalt

BathedInSalt

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When you've been conditioned to perceive jealousy as a sign of affection
and hierarchy as a sign of importance in what ways could I convey to my partners their importance?

In general actions and words, but with differing love languages to contend with I'm looking for some concrete ideas.

This question is also self service, because I keep having thoughts that play on insecurities. I understand that dealing with insecurities is up to the person having them and I am dealing with that-always and forever, but I also would like to provide a sense of security to my partners. I want to find a sense of security too.

I see no usefulness to jealousy, except for maybe in a not entirely healthy way of stoking the love light.

Things that would make me feel cared for are open communication, consideration: implied either/or explicit, sharing things (stories, experiences) with me, telling me explicitly that I am on their mind, gifts of time, remembering what I say, remembering things I like, the list goes on.

Being cared for should probably make me feel important, but I keep coming back to "how will I know if I'm important" or "how do I know I'm more important" and I realize that the "more important" is problematic. The point of this post is to help me move away from that thinking.

I'm trying to deal more with reality, not compare myself with others, not have a need to be "better than".
In my heart I believe in mindfulness, that it's useless to compare myself to others as we all have our talents and weaknesses, and that we are all equal and deserving of love.

Per usual my heart and my brain hold differing opinions, but I would like my brain to win this difference and I need a change of perspective to do that. This is where you come in.

Thanks in advance. Seriously you all are the best.
 
When you've been conditioned to perceive jealousy as a sign of affection and hierarchy as a sign of importance in what ways could I convey to my partners their importance?

What is their "love language". If they like ot be told, tell them. If they like acts of service then go that way. There is no one thing that will work for everyone so...yeah.

Do little things for them, simply just tell them if that's what they need. If they don't live with you, but stay over, make sure they have a drawer or tooth brush or something that shows they have a "place" with you. I know for me it's in the little things. For some people it's grand gestures.

With polyam, you can still have hierarchy - that's a personal choice and sometimes are journey from one to another. We started off very hierarchal and have now become more egalitarian as we've adjusted and gotten used to being polyam so to speak.


This question is also self service, because I keep having thoughts that play on insecurities. I understand that dealing with insecurities is up to the person having them and I am dealing with that-always and forever, but I also would like to provide a sense of security to my partners. I want to find a sense of security too.


Helping them feel secure probably won't help you feel secure tbh. It sounds a little like putting all your time into helping them instead of figuring out what's not working for you?

I see no usefulness to jealousy, except for maybe in a not entirely healthy way of stoking the love light.


Jealousy only begets more bitterness in my experience.

Things that would make me feel cared for are open communication, consideration: implied either/or explicit, sharing things (stories, experiences) with me, telling me explicitly that I am on their mind, gifts of time, remembering what I say, remembering things I like, the list goes on.


Do your partners know that? Do they know you aren't getting enough from them?

Being cared for should probably make me feel important, but I keep coming back to "how will I know if I'm important" or "how do I know I'm more important" and I realize that the "more important" is problematic. The point of this post is to help me move away from that thinking.


What does being important to someone feel like to you?
 
Things my gf and I have done and do to keep our relationship healthy while also dating or having deep relationships with others:

Dates. Going out, doing activities we enjoy.

Not getting swamped in NRE. We both know what it is, what its temporary hormonal effects are, and learn to be objective about it.

Sex. Lots of good sex.

Talking. Openly and honestly.

Humor.

Acts of service. Cooking for each other. Fixing stuff around the house. I do her laundry, she keeps the electronics working. Caring for each other when we are sick, physically or emotionally.

Gifts. For birthdays, holidays but especially "just because."

Saying I love you multiple times a day.

Not going on and on about our other partner(s) too much. But also asking each other how a date with another partner went, was it fun? How is he (the OSO) doing with his (health issue, his parents, new house, his job, his business trip, his sick dog, etc.)

Smooching and hugging and cuddling. Sometimes it's more important than sex.

Not sweating the small stuff. Choosing our battles. Trying to walk in one anothers' shoes, when there is a conflict.

Complimenting each other's accomplishments or appearance.

Cultivating independence and not co-dependence. Enjoying me-time when the other is out with the OSO.

Choosing good decent mature respectful OSOs so that there isn't a shit load of issues with them that make us down in the dumps around the other. Or if there are issues, dealing with them efficiently so that it doesn't become a constant source of conversation, annoyance and difficulty at home. Getting therapy if need be.

And for us, BDSM. It is very cathartic and bonding and deep and healing for us.
 
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You could ask your partner(s) what they would specifically like that would make them feel valued and secure. Maybe frame it as a love languages kind of thing? You know some things that make you feel important, secure and valued. They probably do too. And if they haven't really thought about it much before (which is not uncommon), it can't hurt to ask them to think it through and get back to you.
 
I was gonna put up a post here BUT... what Magdlyn said -- totally. Follow THAT & you've got a great chance at happiness.
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We need a "Like" button - but I, too, think Magdlyn nailed it. Although we were brand new to all this, my wife seemed to instinctively know how to convey my continued importance - as moved into a poly situation where she had a bf. She did many of the things that Magdyln recommended. She did have to be careful with the NRE - in just as simple as a matter of how enthusiastic she was in answering his call versus mine, for example.

Al
 
Hi BathedInSalt,

I consider it a profound act of love to give one's consent to one's partner's freedom -- particularly the freedom to explore outside relationships. Not that you could tell a partner, "Well, I give you all this freedom," and expect that to make them feel loved, but it's just a perspective to carry around and can add to the feeling of importance of the one carrying it.

I like the way Sting says it ... "If you love someone, set them free."

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
BathedInSalt said:
I see no usefulness to jealousy
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Jealousy is an alarm -- nothing more nor less. The message is that "something untoward has occurred; you ought to check on it."

If it goes off all the time, often over nothing at all, then the system needs some adjusting. If all those false alarms are driving everyone nuts &/or deaf, then maybe the sound generators need to be muted a bit so everyone can think clearly.

But only a fool would deactivate the alarm system (or encourage others to).
 
Ravenscroft said:
But only a fool would deactivate the alarm system (or encourage others to).
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^^^ THIS ^^^

Jealousy has a purpose.

Feeling the emotion of jealousy and showing affection in all of the wonderful ways mentioned are not mutually exclusive. Jealousy isn't merely annoying social conditioning, it's a very useful, naturally occurring emotion in nature and one that we see all over the animal kingdom. We can perceive jealousy as a sign of affection at times and have successful polyamorous relationships. Where a lot of poly people run into trouble is trying to dismantle their jealousy alarm instead of paying attention to what that alarm is signaling. The folly of poly.
 
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kdt26417 said:
I consider it a profound act of love to give one's consent to one's partner's freedom
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Dean and I had the most beautiful moment last night where he voiced his feelings of the heaviness of freedom.
I took this as a compliment and also felt relieved to have him join me in that space.

I went into this worried it might destroy us, but instead we are strengthened.
It is so beautiful I might cry.

I think Dean and I are falling in love again.
 
Ravenscroft said:
I was gonna put up a post here BUT... what Magdlyn said -- totally. :eek: Follow THAT & you've got a great chance at happiness.
Click to expand...

Al99 said:
We need a "Like" button - but I, too, think Magdlyn nailed it. Although we were brand new to all this, my wife seemed to instinctively know how to convey my continued importance - as moved into a poly situation where she had a bf. She did many of the things that Magdyln recommended. She did have to be careful with the NRE - in just as simple as a matter of how enthusiastic she was in answering his call versus mine, for example.

Al
Click to expand...

I'm glad you liked my list! :eek:
 
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