I'm sorry you struggle.
Could you please be willing to give more details of how this all started?
It does not sound like you are monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible (can do either monogamy or be an end point in a poly V or similar).
It sounds like you are monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) and monogamous (want a 1:1 relationship shape.)
Is that true?
What's with the "finally agreed?" Was she badgering you about it and you just said yes not because you love the idea, but because you wanted her to stop badgering? Or more like it took time to discuss and prepare? What did you do to prepare?
Was this joyful consent? Or more like "I don't wanna do this but I'm gonna because I don't want her to dump me" in vibe?
Did you agree because to want to find out if you are relationship shape flexible?
I get that the "old normal" is gone, and the "new normal" is not here yet. So the transition space in the middle? It's
normal for it to feel weird. And it's normal to go through some growing pains.
Have you told her about these feelings of being taken for granted?
As for scheduling... yes. You have to actually do it. Some couples start to get lazy about that even though they could be checking in on calendars all along even when monogamous. Because the partner may have work things, friend things. time alone things.
But some couples get into this habit of just assuming they have "dibs" on any free time the partner has. To me? It's a form for taking partner and partner's time for granted.
So going back to
actually asking like when first dating and people didn't know each other well yet and were't taking for granted... might feel weird.
That said, if you schedule time to spend together and she cuts it short? Or isn't present, distracted with the phone texts, etc? You could bring that up. Some people turn into really annoying partners when in NRE. And if they aren't careful and keep taking the established partner for granted? They can do damage to the relationship.
Maybe you and GF want to read poly hell and talk about how to avoid those pitfalls.
COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
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Try not to worry about what she's doing with him. Worry about if she's spending enough time with YOU. She could be bowling, gardening whatever with her other time. But is she spending time with YOU?
And since you don't live with her... is she telling you too much about the dude? Maybe you would transition better hearing LESS.
Some people are so used to having the partner be their sounding board for
everything from habit that they just take the partner and services provided for granted.
She might be gushing her NRE excited lalalas too much at you. And while you understand it, YOU aren't in it, and may not be interested in hearing about it. In fact, hearing too much of it right now while you are trying to transition might poke your jealousy bear, and what you need is more peace and less poking. If she wants to gush, she could gush at the other partner who is presumably in NRE mode too.
If she don't seek your consent first by asking if you to even have this conversation? She just starts whooshing at you inappropriately with her lalas? You may have to speak up and say something like "Look, I'm happy for you. But I'm trying to transition here. I get overloaded hearing about your NRE lalas randomly. I need to you to actually ASK me if I'm up for hearing it right then and obtain consent first. I do not like whooshing from the sky at me about it. Either do not tell me about it at all for a while, or talk to me about it only on Fridays at 8 PM so I know when it's coming. This random from the sky thing makes transition harder for me."
On your end? You might have been used to always helping her with her problems as partner/helpmate whenever. But now that she poly dates, some areas of her life
don't actually require your assistance and may bring to light that you were overassisting before.
So it may feel weird to stop yourself and take a step back and say "No, that's not actually my job."
Or say "Hey, you know just because I'm your partner, it doesn't mean I have to..."
Or say "Hey, you know just because I'm your partner, it doesn't mean you get to..."
It's ok to have some boundaries with your partner. It's ok to detangle some. It isn't like you all have been through this before and you can go "Ok, she gets like this in NRE. It lasts X weeks. I get like this. It lasts Y weeks. Here's the coping things that work. I already know these things don't work."
It's the first time ever so you are still figuring out how to row this boat. And it if would help if she didn't get carried away with her NRE lalas throwing things in your boat at random. Have some boundaries. At the same time cut each of you a little slack for being newbies and accept some learning mistakes will happen as you figure it all out.
Could think about detangling with GF and talk.
You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!
medium.com
The only info you actually need to know is calendar, and that safer sex practices will be use/are being used.
The rest is optional. So if she's oversharing other info? And if bugs you? It's ok to tell her to stop and that you actually don't want to know/have to know all this other stuff.
Isn't that always there though? Even in a monogamous relationship? People can decide they want to stop participating, end it, and leave?
How did you cope with it before?
I don't know how long you two have been together. But you met her at point X. He met her at point Y. He didn't meet the same GF as you. She may have gotten more comfortable with her relationship skills and more confident in the space in between meeting you and meeting him.
What is it you would like to happen to her instead? Or to him?
Maybe stop hanging out all three together for now. Maybe it is too soon.
Or.... just don't hang out. It doesn't have to be kitchen table poly. It can be "very separate V" poly. And maybe you only hang with them once in a great while for big deal things for her. Like she is getting a special award or whatever. You could just be basic polite to your meta as you sit in the audience to watch her get the award. But not like you are gonna hang out together ever Saturday nite either.
Could examine your feelings.
Jealousy = I have something I am afraid someone else will take away
Envy = I wish I had something someone else has
Then make the list under each word. Sounds like you are afraid she will dump you in favor of Dude. (jealousy). And then you maybe envy she and Dude are in that NRE lalalala place and you are not. (envy) How would you describe the other feelings? Maybe writing them out gives clues for how to cope with them.
Could read about jealousy.
By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is
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To promote the private practice for Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse and to provide educational materials for the community.
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Could do the
jealousy workbook.
I hope things get better for you.
Galagirl
