Couples Bucket List

Z

Zephyra

New member
I think this is the right place for this since it's an idea for discussion of sorts, but move it if you see fit mods.

So in the midst of really talking and trying to define how we're going to handle poly, I voiced a major fear of mine to my boyfriend. I have always had this passion for travel and experiences, but I'm afraid that him having a second partner years from now will potentially hinder this since some experiences that I want may be considered unsafe or take a decent chunk of time or obviously, as implied, involve lots of travel. Getting out into the world, especially with someone that I love, has always been a passion and a great need for me since I love shared experiences and adventures.

He knows all too well how I love to do go new places & do interesting things and loves giving me experience, which is one of the things that I love most about him, he doesn't try to tame me, he runs wild and free beside me and supports my free spirit completely. In response to my concern, he's decided that we need to make a bucket list of sorts, listing all of the things that we want to do together, that a third partner cannot disallow me if they aren't as on board with the idea of travel and such.

This includes things like learning to ride a motorcycle and traveling across the country together (hell, go to Sturgis one of these days maybe), backpacking across Europe, visiting far away places such as Japan, Australia or India, skydiving, perhaps getting into mountain climbing one of these days and conquering Everest if we so feel like it.

What says you guys? Does this sound like something reasonable to do? Potentially something disrespectful to a third future partner? Perhaps both?

I can see it from both sides.

Travel sounds like a silly need, but it is one of my passions, therefore it is a need since it's been something I've wanted since I was a child and has not waned, only grown bigger as I grow more inquisitive about the world. A newer partner shouldn't be able to dictate what I do and can't do with the shared partner, especially if these were things that we planned before they came along.

On the other hand, I get that some things may be dangerous. Like, if we ever decided to get into great shape, take up mountain climbing and try to conquer Everest one of these days, that is very dangerous since plenty of people die up there. If the tables were turned and I was the newer partner, I would have some safety concerns and be very iffy.

I'm not troubled really, not really looking for advice, I think it's a great idea honestly since it will be a reminder of not just things I want with us, but things he wants as well that others, for the most part, should not interfere in unless there is a very serious concern that needs to be discussed between everybody. Unless they want to come along for the ride too, which is awesome and even better. I think it can keep both of our needs with each other more sacred and help to prevent them from being pushed to the side or swept under the rug completely.

Discuss! I think it will be interesting to see other responses :)
 
I understand creating a bucket list. It keeps you focused on doing what you dream of doing. I don't understand the idea of dating someone who would stop you from pursuing bucket list items. Yes, climbing Everest is dangerous, but if you care about someone and their dream is to conquer Everest - you support it! Sure, you worry. Sure, you may wish they had a safer dream. No way in hell do you tell them no, though! If I felt like someone wouldn't support me in my dreams/needs, then I wouldn't get involved with them. Bucket list or no.
 
Yes! to bucket lists.

I traveled to 48 states and 4 other countries before I was 21.

This year Dude and I are going to Burning Man (bucket list for both of us...but not MrS).

Future plans: Vomit Comet, Australia, and Amsterdam. If I ever get an opportunity to travel to space...I am GOING.

**********************************

Honestly, though...I don't see how his potential future partners play into it. You decide what you want to do, he decides what he wants to do, if he decides to modify his decisions to fit the comfort levels of some hypothetical future partner...that is still HIS decision. You do it alone, or find someone else to do it with.
 
Why would another person have any say over the relationship between you and your boyfriend? They would only have a say about the relationship they are in with either you or your boyfriend, but even if they objected, that has nothing to do with your plans. Even if someone was involved with both of you, why wouldn't you two live the lives you want to and do as you see fit? Sure, you can be considerate and stay in touch while away, but I don't see why anyone else's opinions would stop you from pursuing your dreams. You can always find other travel partners if your boyfriend chooses not to go, for whatever reason (family issues, work, another partner, anything). Don't put your life on hold for anybody else.
 
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Like the others, I see no problems, ethical or otherwise with this. One of my initial concerns when Nina and I were opening our relationship was that being involved with other people would distract us from some of our life goals together. We can sometimes both suffer from what I jokingly call 'living in the moment syndrome' - where we get so caught up just managing the present that future things that require advanced planning for just might not happen. I remember us sitting down and talking about it together, and making a commitment to each other to not let that happen. So far, we've been doing pretty well at not letting stuff slide.

I think it's good to keep some stuff on your own bucket list that's a bit open ended though, and don't just make everything be contingent on your boyfriend doing it with you. Leave some flexibility in there. For instance, I have a lot of personal bucket list goals that are to do with running. Nina has taken up running this past year, and is making a lot of progress, but a lot of the things that are on my list are just not stuff that she would want to train for and do, at least not right now. I have no idea how she's going to develop as a runner but I would quite like to share some of those things with someone else, either because they are a bit too dangerous to do on my own, or just because I think it would be more fun to share the experience. So there are some things on my list where I have an empty slot available for PersonUnknown. And that's kind of cool. Maybe it will be another partner of mine one day, maybe it will be Nina, maybe a good friend, or a running club mate.

(Oh, and if climbing Everest some day really is on your list, I strongly advise you to watch a documentary called 'Sherpa: Trouble on Everest'. It is brilliantly moving, and will help you decide if it's for you or not. It made me reconsider, and question what my motivation would be in attempting something like that. http://sherpafilm.com/trailer/ )
 
More than safety concerns, I'd see time as being the primary limiting factor. If your partner has other partners, they may also have their own "couples bucket list." Since most people have finite financial resources, limited vacation time, and possibly other limiting factors, poly can definitely impact the ability to complete items on any of the bucket list.

It's a reasonable thing to keep in mind, and to know you'll all likely need to work to find compromises; but, I don't think it's a huge deal for most situations. As others have said, if one is dating someone who has potentially dangerous hobbies, then that is part of the deal (and usually the attraction).
 
Yeah, your bucket list doesn't HAVE to involve your boyfriend at all. Yes, it'd be fun, but that doesn't mean you have to not go do something just because he is occupied elsewhere. I go on plenty of trips with just one of my guys. I do try to balance the number of trips I go on with each of them, but if someone's schedule doesn't work, it doesn't mean I give up my life. Travel is all over my list. :) That said, seeing the Great Barrier Reef is huge for PunkRock, and that has our name intertwined all over it.

My bucket list also includes "generosity" - and my husband DarkKnight has been involved with that section for a decade now. We've given out scholarships - and a laptop - to graduating high school seniors, left a large tip on a small restaurant check, and I would like to gift someone a nice car in the future. If DarkKnight were unavailable, and the chance arose for me to fulfill one of the items on the list, I would still absolutely do it. :)

I guess what I am saying is, maybe have a list for you, and though it'd be nice to involve your partner, know that it doesn't have to be only for him. Also, his new partner(s) may have lists of their own - and what if they get to go to Everest together first? Realize that would absolutely be ok, and doesn't negate your own list at all.
 
In response to my concern, he's decided that we need to make a bucket list of sorts, listing all of the things that we want to do together, that a third partner cannot disallow me if they aren't as on board with the idea of travel and such.
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I think that is your BF loving to analyze and "what if" things.

If you want to make a bucket list for yourself or together for fun, that's fine. But I think "adventure traveler" sums it up for basic dating compatibility.

I voiced a major fear of mine to my boyfriend. I have always had this passion for travel and experiences, but I'm afraid that him having a second partner years from now will potentially hinder this since some experiences that I want may be considered unsafe or take a decent chunk of time or obviously, as implied, involve lots of travel.
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A newer partner shouldn't be able to dictate what I do and can't do with the shared partner, especially if these were things that we planned before they came along.
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What does him dating someone have to do with you traveling on your own? What (you) do on (your) time is up to (you.)

And what does him dating someone else have to do with him traveling with you? What (you + him) do on (you+him) time is up to (you+ him.)

Presumably if he is gone weeks out of the year on adventure travel he could just tell his dating potentials something like...

"I am an adventure traveler. You need to know this about me because that's not changing. If you are not comfortable with adventure travel risks, I am not the guy for you.

I spend __ weeks traveling on my own, __ weeks traveling with Zephyr. So there's ___ weeks available to spend with you. Is that going to meet your time needs? Will phone calls work for your contact needs when I am away?"​

... during the "get to know you" part of the dating. It is HIS responsibility when dating potentials to represent himself and his lifestyle accurately so they can figure out if it's even a runner here or if their interests are too disparate. Not everyone a person dates goes on to become something. That's what dating is FOR -- to sort out the compatibles.

How do you think the person would disallow you adventure travel on your own or with your BF if your BF is doing his job of representing his current situation up front, honest, and accurate when he dates and he wants to go adventure travel on his own and with you too? :confused:

If he lays it out plain to potentials from the start? And they consent to poly with an adventure traveler hinge, they cannot be surprised later that he goes to do adventure travel. Or that some of that adventure travel is with you. Or that some of that adventure travel involves adventure travel risks.

They can change their minds and decide they don't want an adventure traveler partner any more because it stresses them out more than they bargained for.

But they cannot TELL him or you to stop doing adventure travel. Or rather they could ASK if you or he are willing to stop. But you each are still capable of saying "No, thanks. Not willing to stop my travel."

What's so fearful about that? :confused: You just politely say "no, thanks."

Galagirl
 
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I also don't get this idea of "disallow." Is this a thing? Even my nesting partner can't "disallow" me to do what I want to do. I have free agency, I can do whatever I like within the law.

Of course we talk about it, and perhaps we find compromises for comfort (this has actually happened--I like to hike alone, he is very worried for my safety, so we compromised by putting in some additional safety measures); but, he couldn't just say "You can't go" and and have it be law of some kind.

There may be consequences for doing some things (partners find the lifestyle incompatible, other plans can't be made due to constraints, etc.), but they can't "disallow" you--who they presumably aren't even dating--from going. And, they can only "disallow" him if he allows that, meaning it's still his choice.

It's just such a weird concept to me.
 
It's a couples bucket list. Not just me. Stuff for both of us to do together. Sure, I can do stuff alone, that's great. I can have an extremely independent streak in me at times. But there are things that I want that is a shared experience, that's the entire point. Sure, I can try and find another boyfriend myself to do things like that with, but the point is us together. Not me, not me and somebody else, but us. And I don't know if I'll ever want another partner. Maybe, maybe not. I'm open to it, but it's not something is important to me because poly isn't a need for me, just an option that I'm open to.

Things that I want to do together can potentially have an effect on others due to their nature. He doesn't think he would ever bring somebody in that is a wet blanket so to speak, but there's always a possibility because you can't help who you end up loving, and it's not fair for me to try and limit his pool of potential partners because of who I am as a person. The other person, no matter who they are, would just have to accept it, whether they like it or not. Some people like to stay in, and that's fine. His ex was like that... eat, watch TV, read books, smoke pot... that was her life. I never met her, but from what I know of her, if he ever brought someone like that into the relationship, they'd throw a tantrum if he were to be gone fo rmore than a few days or going to do something that's risky, and I would miss out on a lot of stuff that I want us to do together. I like to go out, a lot. It soothes my savage beast so to speak.

Logical fear or not, it's there :p I've seldom dated anybody with a sense of adventure, and that was always the deal breaker since I don't want to sit at home or stay in one corner of the world my whole life. There was one guy that I met once was a fantastic match, almost perfect, but the deal breaker was that I did not want to stay put, so we never saw each other again. There was another guy at one point who wanted me to settle down and marry him, give him children in the suburbs right where his parents lived and live a boring life, MAYBE go to Canada or San Francisco once in our tentative life together, that was his idea of adventure. But I couldn't bring myself to do it and ended things because it would never work even if I did it on my own time.

So that is why it is a fear of mine. So few people that I've met have ever truly had a hunger for experiences and the world that doesn't involve tourist traps.
 
Hi Zephyra,

There's no rule that says you can't have a couple's bucket list, especially considering how important it is to you. If anything, I would suggest doing things both on and off the list.

Definitely think long and hard before adding Everest to your list. It is my understanding that the mountain is way overcrowded these days, which is worse than annoying, it's deadly. I hear there's an awful bottleneck on the Hillary Step. Not a good place to get stuck waiting around. I'm not saying don't go, I'm saying do lots of homework before deciding.

I've kind of gone off on a tangent here, sorry about that. Anyway, go ahead and make your list, and enjoy the adventures.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Zephyra said:
. . . if he ever brought someone like that into the relationship, they'd throw a tantrum if he were to be gone for more than a few days or going to do something that's risky, and I would miss out on a lot of stuff that I want us to do together.
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I still don't understand why you think you wouldn't be able to go and do what you want with your own life just because this theoretical metamour of yours would be upset or have a hissy fit. What does anyone else being upset about him traveling have anything at all to do with plans he makes with you? If he makes a commitment to going with you somewhere, he's making a commitment. Do you think he would break his commitment so easily just because another girlfriend might be boo-hooing about it? Is he so easily tossed about in his life and controlled by other people's emotions that he doesn't follow through on his commitments? Do you not think he would choose another partner who has the maturity to deal with their own feelings and not expect him to stay behind because they are upset? Your worry speaks more about your trust in him than any fictional OSO he might wind up with.

:confused::confused::confused:
 
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Things that I want to do together can potentially have an effect on others due to their nature. He doesn't think he would ever bring somebody in that is a wet blanket so to speak.
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So believe him that he won't choose to date an incompatible person.

...but there's always a possibility because you can't help who you end up loving,
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One cannot help feelings popping up whenever they do, but one IS in charge of one's behaviors in response to those feelings.

He could (in theory) love the incompatible person, but STOP dating them because their lifestyles are too incompatible.

I've broken up with people I love because their lifestyle and mine were not compatible. I still loved/love them. I'm just realistic. Why bang head on wall? I don't believe that just because I love someone, it's "destiny" or something and I HAVE to keep on dating them no matter what.

and it's not fair for me to try and limit his pool of potential partners because of who I am as a person.
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When you tell him what it takes to obtain your consent, HOW is that limiting his pool of dating partners? He is always free to decline to participate in poly with you. He is always free to decline dating you period. He can have a wide a pool as he wants.

I think it is fair for you to say "In order to obtain my initial consent and maintain my continuing consent to poly? You have to agree to date people who are ok with adventure travel. Because you and I doing adventure travel together is important to me. If you can no longer meet that agreement, I expect you to give me the heads up and we either renegotiate agreement or we break up."

YOU could do your job stating your deal breakers up front, open, honest and PLAIN. He's not a mind reader.

No different than expecting him to tell his potentials up front what his situation is plan and clear.

You could tell him what YOUR situation is plain and clear.

Galagirl
 
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Now I remember why I don't do forums much anymore, everything gets picked apart to the bare bones...

Zephyra said:
I'm not troubled really, not really looking for advice...
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So please guys, quit picking apart every word that I've said regarding my situation since I did not ask for it. I only used my situation as the backdrop since that's how it came up. My boyfriend and I will iron out our own stuff in time. If you're really that truly concerned about me, then throw me a PM since all I wanted here was a discussion whether they are good or bad, and how to go about them when there is a third in the picture, not for this snippet of my personal life to be ripped apart and examined :)

JaneQSmythe said:
Yes! to bucket lists.

I traveled to 48 states and 4 other countries before I was 21.

This year Dude and I are going to Burning Man (bucket list for both of us...but not MrS).

Future plans: Vomit Comet, Australia, and Amsterdam. If I ever get an opportunity to travel to space...I am GOING.
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Very nice! Definitely things that I aspire to do, traveling to most, if not all states. My boyfriend mentioned wanting to do Burning Man one of these years. Australia has always been a big one of mine since I have a friend that lives in Sydney, and I've been obsessed with the place since I was a kid.


tenK said:
Like the others, I see no problems, ethical or otherwise with this. One of my initial concerns when Nina and I were opening our relationship was that being involved with other people would distract us from some of our life goals together. We can sometimes both suffer from what I jokingly call 'living in the moment syndrome' - where we get so caught up just managing the present that future things that require advanced planning for just might not happen. I remember us sitting down and talking about it together, and making a commitment to each other to not let that happen. So far, we've been doing pretty well at not letting stuff slide.

I think it's good to keep some stuff on your own bucket list that's a bit open ended though, and don't just make everything be contingent on your boyfriend doing it with you. Leave some flexibility in there. For instance, I have a lot of personal bucket list goals that are to do with running. Nina has taken up running this past year, and is making a lot of progress, but a lot of the things that are on my list are just not stuff that she would want to train for and do, at least not right now. I have no idea how she's going to develop as a runner but I would quite like to share some of those things with someone else, either because they are a bit too dangerous to do on my own, or just because I think it would be more fun to share the experience. So there are some things on my list where I have an empty slot available for PersonUnknown. And that's kind of cool. Maybe it will be another partner of mine one day, maybe it will be Nina, maybe a good friend, or a running club mate.

(Oh, and if climbing Everest some day really is on your list, I strongly advise you to watch a documentary called 'Sherpa: Trouble on Everest'. It is brilliantly moving, and will help you decide if it's for you or not. It made me reconsider, and question what my motivation would be in attempting something like that. http://sherpafilm.com/trailer/ )
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This is sort of the conclusion that I came to on my own. Things will always get swallowed up a bit into the walk of life and by living in the moment, so the list is a nice way to being a reminder of things that we still have to do/accompolish together. Talks are always great. When my boyfriend and I get to talking, we really talk and get things done, so any future potential to the relationship will hopefully be the same way. I hope any future third could stand one of our marathon chats, haha.

Absolutely it's always a good idea to keep an open list to anyone's self. Some independence is healthy. Going to Australia may be something that I would prefer to do on my own since I was working towards to go see my friend in Sydney before I met my boyfriend.

As for Everest, that was an extreme example, but something that could potentially be an interest nonetheless. My boyfriend is more the one into wanting to do mountain climbing, bare-handed rock face climbing and such type, so that was actually his thing, but something I may be up for years from now nonetheless, lol. I'm more in the genre of get back into shape and start running, maybe train and run a marathon. My best friend runs marathons, and that would be something fun to do with him one day perhaps.
 
Zephyra said:
...So few people that I've met have ever truly had a hunger for experiences and the world that doesn't involve tourist traps.
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So make friends with/date those few people and disregard the rest? (DISCLAIMER: I am NOT an extravert - I don't need to socialize with anyone I don't really click with)

(PS. I have an abhorrence for "tourist traps" - but I let my now-husband convince me to take a cruise to Bermuda for our honeymoon 20 years ago, and had a GREAT time - we ignored all the cruise-group events and rented a scooter and explored every INCH of the island and met tons of locals. Another time, we were in Maui - my advise? Ask the waitress at Dennys where she likes to go for lunch on her days off...Oh, and pick up hitch-hikers, they know all the off-the-beaten-path secret spots!)
 
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Zephyra said:
So please guys, quit picking apart every word that I've said regarding my situation since I did not ask for it. I only used my situation as the backdrop since that's how it came up. My boyfriend and I will iron out our own stuff in time. If you're really that truly concerned about me, then throw me a PM since all I wanted here was a discussion whether they are good or bad, and how to go about them when there is a third in the picture, not for this snippet of my personal life to be ripped apart and examined :)
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Huh? No one is "ripping apart" your personal life. You presented a theoretical scenario that you felt could be problematic and we are discussing how we see that scenario, knowing full well it is theoretical, and saying whether we think it is problematic or not, and why.

You stated that you and bf want to: ". . . make a bucket list of sorts, listing all of the things that we want to do together, that a third partner cannot disallow me if they aren't as on board with the idea of travel and such."

And then you asked: "What says you guys? Does this sound like something reasonable to do?"

By asking us if it is a reasonable idea, did you not thereby invite us to give our opinions? Basically, some of us replied with "Cool! Bucket lists, yeah!", some of us shared items on their bucket lists with you, some of us said, "I don't think there's a problem," and still others said "I don't understand your concern" and asked for clarification or shared the questions that came up for them. People spent time and energy to thoughtfully reply. Why are you seeing the responses as negative?

These are the opinions you asked for and this is how the discussion is starting to roll. You will likely get quite a bit more responses, since this is an international forum with people logging in from numerous time zones. Be prepared: some responses you will like reading; some you will not like; some won't resonate with you. That is what happens when you throw a topic and question out to a huge bunch of people on the internet.

<shrug>
 
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Zephyra said:
...I voiced a major fear of mine to my boyfriend....
What says you guys?....Discuss! I think it will be interesting to see other responses :)
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It might be helpful for you to look at how you present yourself here. People appear to have picked up on what you're really saying, not on your call for a theoretical discussion. This is an amazing community, full of perspectives offered from many experienced, varied and well spoken individuals. You have the choice to take what resonates with you or to get upset for feeling picked apart, but for my money, there is no better place to get astoundingly helpful relationship advice. People on this forum are quite well meaning and have a treasure trove of assistance to sort through if anyone is open to it.
 
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Just a thought experiment, Zephyra...
what would happen if your BF's new partner turned out to be just as adventurous as you? What if she wants to climb Everest and roam the world with him? What if he wants to do those things with her, too? Would you 'allow' that?

I am just putting this out there as a reminder that you can never know what your metamour will be like and how your relationship with your BF will change as a result of the new relationship. It might not change at all, it might change big time. It might challenge him in ways that both of you cannot even imagine right now.

I think this is what other posters here were alluding to when they were stressing the importance of YOU doing things for YOU - not make your dreams of adventure dependant on him.
 
Rider and I actually keep a Wunderlist called "Friendship Bucket List" that we started before we were even dating. We started it because we would have these conversations where one or the other of us would be like, "We should totally XYZ together!" and we're both forgetful.

It contains little things (like eat at a specific local restaurant together, introduce our respective best friends to each other, carve a pumpkin, get pedicures, etc.), medium things (visit a particular city together, etc.), and bigger, more typical "bucket list" sort of things (see the Grand Canyon, drive up the Pacific Coast Highway, visiting a particular country together, attend an expensive well-known festival, etc.).

Some of the formerly little things became bigger things when we moved away from the city where they are located. Some of the originally big things got littler for the same reason. We add stuff to it fairly frequently, but we check things off at a fairly reasonable clip too. The cool thing is it'll date-stamp when you check something off, so it is almost scrapbook-like in that way. We've currently got 36 things remaining on the list, and 39 things checked off (though we didn't really get to start checking stuff off till we were actually dating due to Life Circumstances).

(We even have a separate "to watch" list with movies and TV shows that we want to watch together!)
 
I love the odd tourist trap! I have a list of "Giant" items that I want to see. "Giant Frying Pan" etc. Hilarious! It is not what you see but the attitude with which you look.

Prof took me to a famous wine tasting place that he had been to multiple times ( 40+) before. I found all sorts of historical and touristy things that he never deemed worthy of his time. He said he absolutely enjoyed each one.

I have lived on 4 continents, visited all but one, been to 25+ countries, I have travelled by train, plane, local bus, bike, backpacked, glamped, camped, 5 star hotels, love it all.
I am an activity slut. I wouldn't date anyone who wouldn't go and do things with me.
If my partner found someone who didn't like to travel or do things, that would be fine, as long as it doesn't impact me. If they wanted to do dangerous things together ( climb Everest) then I would probably express my concern, but go on the local practice hikes and ask for a postcard from Tibet.
 
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