Couples counseling issues

Simple go to the last word and hit returnšŸ‘šŸ˜‰ it drops it down.

Has it been months or years that youā€™ve been in a poly dynamic?

Are all potential candidates from swinging encounters?


Lasting? Is there a pattern? Just wondering if it could be NRE, or an expectations issue.


Coming from the swinging background the mindset is us "adding people to our marriageā€œ where, in fact, the old marriage is dead and gone and something new is being built on the old site with some salvaged materials. Thereā€™s a mourning phase and a complete recalibration of expectations.

Not exactly open and honest communication. Maybe pick/ hammer at that in counseling to get the truth.
Do you or gf think your NRE was offensive? I know apologies were extended and that didnā€™t seem to fix the slight. BOTTOM LINE, romantic relationships cause NRE is a big part of why people do this. Fucking all sides have to deal with NRE is another fact.

Was you wifeā€™s routine similar? Did you split those weekends and nights or did they run concurrently?

I meant to say DV as putting you one step closer to divorce, or helping push you toward that direction, on top of the poly nonsense.

I am on mobile so not sure how to hit that exactly.

Anyway, Iā€™ll keep the paragraphs going since it seems to work.

None of our swinging partners turned into poly. We have been poly for 3 years at this point.

That trip was the only time she had to deal with our NRE as a couple. I have had to deal with her NRE before as well. It is equally shared.

Yes, the NRE was inappropriate. I would NOT have apologized otherwise. I try not to apologize for things unless I truly feel remorse. This has been a hard thing for me to work on, as I used to have horrible people-pleasing problems.

I do feel like the splitting time issue is very one-sided. She many times just goes and does her thing, but asks me to check in with her and limit my time away from the house.

I understand what you were saying now about DV. Hopefully my confusion was understandable.
 
This is a lot. So sorry.

What I'm getting from this is that the transition from swinging to poly was surprisingly hard on your wife, and she is kind of sticking her head in the sand by not acknowledging her feelings and taking it out on you.

When you transitioned from swinging to poly, did you and Wife still keep dating each other, or did you just go on to your respective partners, leaving a "gap" between you?
 
What I'm getting from this is that the transition from swinging to poly was surprisingly hard on your wife, and she is kind of sticking her head in the sand by not acknowledging her feelings and taking it out on you.

When you transitioned from swinging to poly, did you and Wife still kept dating each other, or did you just go on to your respective partners, leaving a "gap" between you?
Well, Iā€™d say she has done more poly dating than I have.

I never felt like we stopped dating each other. Hell, we are in this hell, and up until last week Iā€™ve continued to try and date her. I will reflect more on that to make sure itā€™s true, but itā€™s my gut reaction.
 
Iā€™d say she has done more poly dating than I have.
You mean the men and women? Was that serious or more casual? From the description it seemed she only had one gf, and is now backing out because you have a stable gf,
I never felt like we stopped dating each other. Hell, we are in this hell, and up until last week Iā€™ve continued to try and date her. I will reflect more on that to make sure itā€™s true, but itā€™s my gut reaction.

If you feel you've done all you could and reached a limit because you want to continue poly with your gf, that's okay.

What do YOU want?
 
You mean the men and women? Was that serious or more casual? From the description it seemed she only had one gfm and is now backing out because you have a stable gf.

If you feel you've done all you could and reached a limit because you want to continue poly with your GF, that's okay. What do YOU want?
My apologies for not being more clear. She has had a couple gfs and a few serious bfs in that time span. We originally both dated separately her second gf, who was my first and her second. So this is my second gf, but first gf without her being involved romantically, as well, if that makes sense and helps clarify any.
 
My apologies for not being more clear. She has had a couple gfs and a few serious bfs in that time span. We originally both dated separately her second gf, who was my first, and her second. So this is my second gf, but first gf without her being involved romantically, as well, if that makes sense and helps clarify any.
Wait. Are you saying that you and Wife dated her second gf together? And now you have your first gf separately?

And how does one have a couple of serious partners within a 3-year time span? Dating them all at once, or hitting the NRE dopamine?

Apologies for the inquiry. The situation and dynamics within that time limit is little unclear.
 
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gaPoly, if you want to further explain who dated whom, you could choose nicknames for all partners.

Like, Apple for your wife.
Banana and Broccoli for her bfs.
Cherry and Peach for any gfs, whom you either dated separately, or shared, or whatever, with Apple.

Sometimes poly networks and exes get real confusing for the readers.
 
Wait. Are you saying that you and Wife dated her second gf together? And now you have your first gf separately?

And how does one have a couple of serious partners within a 3-year time span? Dating them all at once, or hitting the NRE dopamine?

Apologies for the inquiry. The situation and dynamics within that time limit is little unclear.
I guess ā€œseriousā€ is subjective. I would consider them ā€œseriousā€ in the fact that she was with them for 6 months to a year and she had both a gf and bf at the same time at several points over the past few years. I will also say that I have become hazy and couldnā€™t give you precise dates.

I wonā€™t try and prescribe her motives for entering or leaving those relationships. I only know the real reason of one because he was extremely toxic which caused issues for us both.

You are correct. When we entered poly initially she basically kept it for herself and just having a gf. It wasnā€™t until that relationship ended and we met someone together that she became okay with the idea of us both being poly. As I previously stated that was not a healthy way to enter the poly world and we have both done a ton of work dealing with that. We did not go unicorn hunting and we both dated her seperately and together. When they split up we continued to date for a short time but a situation on her part caused us to separate due to a previous relationship and she returned to monogamy. As far as I can tell however none of those initial ā€œhiccupsā€ are at play in the current dynamic and issue.

As for the recommendation of the moderator Iā€™ll try and name folks

Wife 1st gf - Apple
Wife 2nd gf - Pie

My 1st gf - pie.
My 2nd gf - Pair.

If that helps clear the confusion up.
 
gaPoly, if you want to further explain who dated whom, you could choose nicknames for all partners.

Like, Apple for your wife.
Banana and Broccoli for her bfs.
Cherry and Peach for any gfs, whom you either dated separately, or shared, or whatever, with Apple.

Sometimes poly networks and exes get real confusing for the readers.
Thank you for the suggestion. I will try and incorporate that going forward. My ā€œnetworkā€ is sometimes confusing enough to myself.
 
You mean the men and women? Was that serious or more casual? From the description it seemed she only had one gf, and is now backing out because you have a stable gf.

If you feel you've done all you could and reached a limit because you want to continue poly with your gf, that's okay.

What do YOU want?
I never did answer your last question.

What I want is the same thing Iā€™ve wanted from the beginning of this conflict, which is to ā€œreturn to the way we were,ā€ which was working fine for us both, up until it wasnā€™t. I recognize that this isnā€™t a reality, so I have modified my mindset to say ā€œI want to understand if these issues are 'normal' and repairable, or if we simply have entered into a different paradigm and we are no longer compatible.ā€
 
Thanks for clarifying.
I guess ā€œseriousā€ is subjective. I would consider them ā€œseriousā€ in the fact that she was with them for 6 months to a year, and she had both a gf and bf at the same time, at several points, over the past few years. I have become hazy and couldnā€™t give you precise dates.
No problem. It kinda makes the situation more clear if Wife is an NRE junkie or not.
I wonā€™t try and prescribe her motives for entering or leaving those relationships. I only know the real reason of one because he was extremely toxic, which caused issues for us both.
Glad he is out of your lives.
You are correct. When we entered poly initially she basically kept it for herself and just having a gf. It wasnā€™t until that relationship ended, and we met someone together, that she became okay with the idea of us both being poly. That was not a healthy way to enter the poly world and we have both done a ton of work dealing with that. We did not go unicorn hunting and we both dated her, seperately and together.
So Wife went from swinging together, to deciding to be poly, while she was actually already doing poly herself?
When they split up we continued to date for a short time.
When was this? Is this maybe when the DV started? When you started to date Pie on your own?
But a situation on her part caused us to separate, due to a previous relationship, and she returned to monogamy. As far as I can tell, however, none of those initial ā€œhiccupsā€ are at play in the current dynamic and issue.
So what do you think those DV issues come from? Not poly related? No emotional management before poly and it just intensified when you were doing poly?
As for the recommendation of the moderator Iā€™ll try and name folks

Wife 1st gf - Apple
Wife 2nd gf - Pie

My 1st gf - Pie
My 2nd gf - Pair

If that helps clear the confusion up.
 
I never did answer your last question.

What I want is the same thing Iā€™ve wanted from the beginning of this conflict, which is to ā€œreturn to the way we were,ā€ which was working fine for us both, up until it wasnā€™t. I recognize that this isnā€™t a reality, so I have modified my mindset to say ā€œI want to understand if these issues are normal' and repairable, or if we simply have entered into a different paradigm and we are no longer compatible.ā€

If you plan to go for polyamory, the old structure is gone, and it doesn't look like Wife is up for it and being a good, healthy and compatible partner to do it with.

Emotional management without poly can already be hard enough. Add more people, and everything is more and more. Is Wife the right and SAFE person to be doing that with?
 
I guess ā€œseriousā€ is subjective. I would consider them ā€œseriousā€ in the fact that she was with them for 6 months to a year, and she had both a gf and bf at the same time at several points over the past few years. I will also say that I have become hazy and couldnā€™t give you precise dates.

I wonā€™t try and prescribe her motives for entering or leaving those relationships. I only know the real reason of one, because he was extremely toxic, which caused issues for us both.

You are correct. When we entered poly initially she basically kept it for herself and just having a gf. It wasnā€™t until that relationship ended and we met someone together that she became okay with the idea of us both being poly. As I previously stated, that was not a healthy way to enter the poly world and we have both done a ton of work dealing with that. We did not go unicorn hunting and we both dated her, separately and together. When they split up we continued to date for a short time, but a situation on her part caused us to separate, due to a previous relationship, and she returned to monogamy. As far as I can tell, however, none of those initial ā€œhiccupsā€ are at play in the current dynamic and issue.

As for the recommendation of the moderator Iā€™ll try and name folks.

Wife 1st gf - Apple
Wife 2nd gf - Pie

My 1st gf - Pie
My 2nd gf - Pair

If that helps clear the confusion up.
Yes, it does help clarify. When you wrote "Pair," did you mean "Pear," as in another kind of fruit?

So now you are dating Pair/Pear, and Apple and Pie are both out of the picture altogether? Wife is feeling upset because you have a gf, and it's going well, but she doesn't have an OSO (other significant other) at this time, so she wants to make you stop having a gf as well?

Doesn't she understand that when a couple poly-dates, there will be times when one partner won't have a poly-dating partner, whereas the other will, or maybe even have two others? It's not always going to line up. It sounds like she's just started objecting to you poly-dating because she doesn't have an OSO herself right at this moment.
 
Thanks for clarifying.

No problem. It kinda makes the situation more clear if Wife is an NRE junkie or not.

Glad he is out of your lives.

So Wife went from swinging together to deciding to be Poly while she was actually already doing Poly herself?

When was this? Is this maybe when the DV started? When you started to date Pie on your own?

So what do you think those DV issues come from? Not poly related? No emotional management before poly and it just intensified when you were doing poly?
The DV issues are not new. I can only say that she has an issue with emotional regulation.
 
Thanks for clarifying.

No problem. It kinda makes the situation more clear if Wife is an NRE junkie or not.

Glad he is out of your lives.

So Wife went from swinging together to deciding to be Poly while she was actually already doing Poly herself?

When was this? Is this maybe when the DV started? When you started to date Pie on your own?

So what do you think those DV issues come from? Not poly related? No emotional management before poly and it just intensified when you were doing poly?
The DV issues are not new. I donā€™t know
Yes, it does help clarify. When you wrote "Pair," did you mean "Pear," as in another kind of fruit?

So now you are dating Pair/Pear, and Apple and Pie are both out of the picture altogether? Wife is feeling upset because you have a gf, and it's going well, but she doesn't have an OSO (other significant other) at this time, so she wants to make you stop having a gf as well?

Doesn't she understand that when a couple poly-dates, there will be times when one partner won't have a poly-dating partner, whereas the other will, or maybe even have two others? It's not always going to line up. It sounds like she's just started objecting to you poly-dating because she doesn't have an OSO herself right at this moment.
Yes I mean Pear. Thank you as it autocorrected.

Apple and Pie are out of the picture romantically. She has retained a friendship with Pie but not Apple.

You may be right. She hasnā€™t expressed that as ā€œthe issue.ā€ When we separated she started seeing a new guy we can call ā€œraven.ā€ She has since broken off that relationship for unknown reasons. As far as I know she is still open to finding a OSO as you say.
 
If you plan to go for polyamory, the old structure is gone, and it doesn't look like Wife is up for it and being a good, healthy and compatible partner to do it with.

Emotional management without poly can already be hard enough. Add more people, and everything is more and more. Is Wife the right and SAFE person to be doing that with?
It sounds like gaPoly might mean by "going back to the way we were," that he wants to stay polyamorous, not go ALL the way back to mono. Staying poly, not being mono, not being swingers. Wife is the one that wants to go all the way back to monogamy, at least for now, since she doesn't have an exciting new OSO at the moment.
 
It sounds like gaPoly might mean by "going back to the way we were," that he wants to stay polyamorous, not go ALL the way back to mono. Staying poly, not being mono, not being swingers. Wife is the one that wants to go all the way back to monogamy, at least for now, since she doesn't have an exciting new OSO at the moment.

Wife was perfectly happy doing polyamory with Apple before getting consent from gaPoly, she was just lucky I guess that OP agreed, and now she wants monogamy. There is so much wrong with this picture...
 
It sounds like gaPoly might mean by "going back to the way we were," that he wants to stay polyamorous, not go ALL the way back to mono. Staying poly, not being mono, not being swingers. Wife is the one that wants to go all the way back to monogamy, at least for now, since she doesn't have an exciting new OSO at the moment.
You are correct in what I meant. ā€œBefore these issues showed up 6-7 months ago" is what I meant. We had been practicing our form of poly well for 2.5 years at that point. This is the first major fracture we have had. I will say we have had a very low conflict marriage up to this point except for 4 or 5 major fights over 14 years. Unfortunately, those fights came with DV and other major issues, but they were all very infrequent and not a sign of systemic abuse, but explosive emotional-regulation issues.
 
The DV issues are not new. I can only say that she has an issue with emotional regulation.
It sounds Wife should focus on getting that under control first before all her poly dating. Everything will be MORE. Can she handle that?
Why should you give up your partner because Wife doesn't have her things in order. She was the one that initiated this in the first place.

If Wife cannot be monoamorous for a while when she works through her issues while you are dating Pear, you might have to decide you are no longer compatible.
 
It sounds Wife should focus on getting that under control first before all her poly dating. Everything will be MORE. Can she handle that?
Why should you give up your partner because Wife doesn't have her things in order. She was the one that initiated this in the first place.

If Wife cannot be monoamorous for a while when she works through her issues while you are dating Pear, you might have to decide you are no longer compatible.
Yes. This thread is at least making me feel less crazy for having these thoughts and solidifying things for me.

Iā€™m afraid you are correct. Our next session is on Tuesday. In the meantime I am laying low and saying little. I do not want to broach these topics with her outside of counseling.
 
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