Couples counseling issues

[Magdlyn]

Yes. This thread is at least making me feel less crazy for having these thoughts and solidifying things for me.

I’m afraid you are correct. Our next session is on Tuesday. In the meantime I am laying low and saying little. I do not want to broach these topics with her outside of counseling.

I'm glad the thread is helping.

Yes, when things are dire, it's definitely better to only address issues with your third party present. Especially if Wife has or has had a tendency to start swinging! Eek! We don't want that, especially in front of the young daughter. Child endangerment issues can come up, even if a child just witnesses DV.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Yes. This thread is at least making me feel less crazy for having these thoughts and solidifying things for me.

I’m afraid you are correct. Our next session is on Tuesday. In the meantime I am laying low and saying little. I do not want to broach these topics with her outside of counseling.

I'm glad it is helping. Hope you'll reach a reaffirmed situation soon enough after some counseling.
Good luck!

 

[Evie]

So, I've been reading as things have been unfolding but logistically haven't been able to write until now. What I'm seeing here is what's good for the goose is definitely not good for the gander. In her mind, she's allowed to date separately, but you aren't.

I'm reminded of this thread: https://polyamory.com/threads/what-can-i-do.78453/ Spoiler: she eventually met someone local, then divorced the OP and married the new guy.

But in short, yes, your relationship - even the one with consensual non-monogamy - is over. It doesn't sound, from what you've written, there's really anything worth salvaging and the next goal should be working towards co-parenting effectively.

 

[dingedheart]

Were all of your wife’s partners poly or partnered with others?

I find it interesting that outside the toxic bf, the details of those breakups were never discussed or shared. Did she have emotional outbursts? Is she or was she unrealistically demanding of them? Did NRE fade?

When this all started for you, as you decided to be poly, how was the time away discussed or negotiated? Was there a set template built by her and her other partners that you later followed, or did you just figure it out as it unfolded?

 

[ref2018]

I'm reminded of this thread: https://polyamory.com/threads/what-can-i-do.78453/ Spoiler: she eventually met someone local, then divorced the OP and married the new guy.

Where does it say that? The last post by the OP of that story is this:

I agree completely, and thankfully I've grown to the point where I could be supportive whether I was actively pursuing other relationships or not.

I wasn't suggesting that finding my wife a connection is a proper solution to her difficulties. However, I do think that her current lack of success in her poly life is an aggravating factor and is contributing to her frustration. I know she is actually jealous - not of my girlfriend, but of the success and enjoyment I'm having, even though again, she does not want a local connection.

My wife has spent the past few days trying to re-center herself. To find the happiness that exists in her daily life, to simplify things and try to remove distractions. She's doing well. Hopefully, once she has calmed her soul, we can have some conversations that can lead to more growth and comfort, and determine what is possible.

It says nothing about the wife finding someone local, divorcing the OP, and marrying the new guy. Did he tell you about it in a private message? Maybe you're thinking of another story?

 

[gaPoly83]

Were all of your wife’s partners poly or partnered with others?

I find it interesting that outside the toxic bf, the details of those breakups were never discussed or shared. Did she have emotional outbursts? Is she, was she unrealistically demanding of them? Did NRE fade?

When this all started for you, as you decided to be poly, how was the time away discussed or negotiated? Was there a set template built by her and her other partners that you later followed, or did you just figure it out as it unfolded?

Everyone she's dated has been poly. I haven’t shared some of that history to keep things more anonymous, and other parts I genuinely don’t know.

Time is something we generally discuss as things happen, but she is generally more jealous around those issues and it’s something we continually work on. The issue at hand is that now she is trying to hurt my current relationship to try and fix ours.

 

[Evie]

Where does it say that? The last post by the OP of that story is this:



It says nothing about the wife finding someone local, divorcing the OP, and marrying the new guy. Did he tell you about it in a private message? Maybe you're thinking of another story?

I was good friends with the OP.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello gaPoly83,

You do not have to stick with a therapist, if they are not a good fit for you. You need a therapist who is good for both you and your wife. Your current therapist is telling you to temporarily break up with your girlfriend, which you don't want to do. Explain this to your wife, and that you need to look for a therapist who is a better fit.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Everyone she dated has been poly. I haven’t shared some of that history to keep things more anonymous and other parts I genuinely don’t know.

Ok, I was getting a sense if the jealousy extended to other partners, as well. And I get the anonymous thing.

Time is something we generally discuss as things happen, but she is generally more jealous around those issues and it’s something we continually work on.

From the timeline/history I assumed some patterns were set by her. However, NRE is an equal-opportunity player, so better to ask a question than assume.

The issue at hand is that now she is trying to hurt my current relationship to try and fix ours.

Not to make light of the situation, but to me, it sounds like that’s just one of the listed issues. Her temper and emotional control, jealousy and insecurity... seems like there’s a lack empathy or compassion for you and your gf and the years you were without another romantic partner. She got a little triggered and then goes to defcon 1 and everything... outside partners become expendable, which just makes everything worse, because it’s treating people like a hobby.

 

[gaPoly83]

UPDATE:

We just finished our session. The counselor pulled me into a side bar without my spouse present. I told her basically I felt what she was asking me to do was unethical. She didn’t fight me much on it because she is very certain that my wife’s boundaries are going to be unacceptable to me anyway. So we went through the session.

Her boundaries all read like “I want to know before your partners know.” Which isn’t very surprising to me. She has finally agreed that “vetos don’t work,” but I also know in my heart this isn’t what she wants.

I am meeting with an attorney at 2 and I will continue my work on an exit strategy. I don’t have any delusions that this isn't going to be a long hard process. I guess, in my mind, she still has the opportunity to truly turn things around, but I don’t see it happening at the moment.

We left the session with the idea of the break not being discussed.

 

[LaminarFlow]

I hope the session gave you a little more clarity, and perhaps there will be a sliver of chance with more talk to the counseler to turn things around. Will you give your wife a few more sessions for that or?

Good you are starting your exit strategy, and bow out when you feel like you have given it all you could.

 

[GalaGirl]

Yes. This thread is at least making me feel less crazy for having these thoughts and solidifying things for me.

You are living in a wacky situation. But you aren't crazy for not liking any of this. I can't see where anyone WOULD like this.

The issue at hand is that now she is trying to hurt my current relationship to try and fix ours.

I do not see how this behavior of hers would actually "fix" anything between you + her.

Are you a real person to her?

Her boundaries all read like “I want to know before your partners know.” Which isn’t very surprising to me. She has finally agreed that “vetos don’t work,” but I also know in my heart this isn’t what she wants.

That is not a personal boundary that she makes for herself that she obeys. She wants you to make a shared agreement that you will tell her WHAT before you tell other partners? What's the purpose of this heads-up thing?

I'm glad you didn't agree to any of that.

I am meeting with an attorney at 2 and I will continue my work on an exit strategy.

Good.

I don’t have any delusions that this isn't going to be a long hard process. I guess, in my mind, she still has the opportunity to truly turn things around, but I don’t see it happening at the moment.

Even if she does turn things around for herself you don't have to be there anymore as her spouse.

I think you can be at peace that you tried all you could do. You are done with the marriage, no longer willing to put up with this stuff.

It is ok for you to hit your limit of tolerance. If anything, you are PAST your limit of tolerance. I hope your individual counseling is a good support for you during this next transition.

Galagirl

 

[gaPoly83]

I hope the session gave you a little more clarity, and perhaps there will be a sliver of chance with more talk to the counseler to turn things around. Will you give your wife a few more sessions for that, or...?

Good you are starting your exit strategy, and bow out when you feel like you have given it all you could.

Considering the history of violence and her explosive anger tendencies, my plan is to act like everything is fine and continue my work on an exit strategy. Yes I realize it’s crazy to think and say that she could turn things around, but honestly, it would take her somehow convincing me that she could genuinely and truly be happy in our current situation. I am now 100% convinced that no matter what rule or boundary we put in place she is not going to truly be happy.

I don’t want to torture her in a life she can’t be fulfilled in, and I won’t be fulfilled either being my authentic self while ripping her world apart. At this point, I’ve pretty solidly come to the conclusion we can’t poly or adult together anymore. I will never say never, but I am 99.9% sure there is no turning back, at this point.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Considering the history of violence and her explosive anger tendencies, my plan is to act like everything is fine and continue my work on an exit strategy. Yes, I realize it’s crazy to think and say that she could turn things around, but honestly it would take her somehow convincing me that she could genuinely and truly be happy in our current situation. I am now 100% convinced that no matter what rule or boundary we put in place she is not going to truly be happy.

I don’t want to torture her in a life she can’t be fulfilled in, and I won’t be fulfilled either being my authentic self while ripping her world apart. At this point, I’ve pretty solidly come to the conclusion we can’t poly or adult together anymore. I will never say never, but I am 99.9% sure there is no turning back, at this point.

Glad you finalised that decision to move forward from this situation and realise you're not compatible anymore.

Focus on good co-parenting, and what is going to be the best for the child.