Hi to everyone, lovely people!
Here to share some pieces of my story, hoping to find some positivity and courage.
More than a year ago, my partner (F, pansexual) and I (F, lesbian) started to think about going to a kinky party. It had always been in our minds to explore something new together as a couple. We finally decided to go (we went in April).
In a moment of excitement, she told a couple of friends about it — and they basically decided to come with us. I was a bit disappointed because, for me, that was meant to be an intimate experience for us, not just another party with our friends. Later, she told me that it slipped out accidentally and she couldn’t say no to them.
What’s done is done, never mind, I said.
As the kinky party got closer, we — and our friends — got more excited. One Friday evening, my girlfriend and I had a date planned, but that same day, she told me she’d forgotten she already made plans for a “test-outfit evening” with the friends who had invited themselves.
I got irritated. Not only was “our” evening no longer “ours,” but now it felt like just another rave-techno party they all go to every year. It wasn’t meant to be like this — and she hadn’t even thought about that. Again, what’s done is done. It’s okay.
Quick digression: Months ago (maybe in February), we went to a techno party. A guy from our circle came up to me and told me he liked my girlfriend a lot (something had happened between them years ago) and he’d love for something to happen again.
I told him he should ask her if she was okay with that. I appreciated that he came to me too — he included me in his thoughts. In the following months, after my girlfriend and I talked about the possibility of something happening within our circle of friends, they started chatting and it was likely they’d eventually meet up.
Back to the kinky party. After the "test-outfit Friday," my partner and I talked again. I shared that I was hurt — it felt reduced to just a normal party with friends. We clarified things, and then she asked me if it would be a problem if she kissed the guy from our circle.
At first, I didn’t recognize why the question was so unsettling. But I just said yes, it would be a problem. I repeated that I was going to be there and I wouldn’t feel comfortable. Again, this was meant to be our first experience at a kinky party and again, she didn't get that.
The night of nights finally arrived. We went and had a lot of fun. Toward the end of the evening, I had an anxiety attack (something I suffer from sometimes), so I asked my partner if we could go home a bit early.
Before leaving, the guy came up to me and started talking. He said he wanted to get to know me better. We talked about my girlfriend and he told me he wanted to take her somewhere with his van, maybe camping. He said he "didn’t want to take her away from me."
I tried to cut the conversation — he was high. The last thing he said was that I could try with his wife. I told him that — aside from the fact that she’s straight — maybe she should be the one to decide that. He was basically trying to pimp his wife.
I cut the conversation short and asked my girlfriend to go home. I was feeling very anxious — and the party was almost over anyway.
At home, I told my partner what the guy had said. I said I was really disturbed by it. She was very silent and just told me he was an asshole and I should ignore him. We were tired and went to bed.
The next day, while we were having coffee, she confessed that she and the guy had kissed at the bar while buying drinks. I was dancing somewhere, so I hadn’t seen them.
I won’t write out the whole conversation and all the processing that took place after. But I was — and still am — very hurt. I felt betrayed.
I told her that I can't just vanish in front of a scratch like that. Our rules need to be stronger — otherwise there’s no point in having them. She hadn’t even considered what it would’ve been like for me to see them. I was also mad that she waited to tell me — especially when we’d just talked about him before going to bed.
She said she didn’t want to make my anxiety worse. She also justified the guy’s behavior, saying that yeah, it was an asshole, but he’s always like that — especially when high. But in my view, then he shouldn’t take drugs.
The idea of something happening within our circle was, for me, also about mutual care. The third person needs to care for me, not just my partner. He’s supposed to be my friend — or at least act like it — and have regard for me too. To make sure I’m on board. To ask first. Not just act on impulse. That’s why I appreciated that he came to me in February.
But at the kinky party, it was awful. Not just how he tried to manipulate me — knowing they had already kissed and he knew that it was outside our rules for the night — but also his behavior, like trying to pimp his wife. That’s a big NO for me.
I felt tricked.
Later, they called him and told him it wasn’t okay how he spoke to me. He apologized and said he wanted to talk to me next time. He never made an attempt to reach out to me, asking my phone number, nothing.
We talked a lot, my partner and I. I reflected a lot. My trust in her disappeared completely, and we spent a couple of months in crisis.
There was another event — a camping trip — and in the end, I decided not to go because he would be there. I didn’t want to see him or spend my free time uncomfortable. That led to a big fight.
In the past months, we stopped communicating clearly like we used to. Everything we had kept to ourselves — especially me — came out all at once, including the very big trust issues I now have. I apologized because I realized I hadn’t been sharing my thoughts and fears properly with her, so she was in the dark. We clarified everything, and she understood why I didn’t want to go. She reassured me that nothing would happen with the guy while she was there.
My partner met a new friend — let’s call her Baba — in a class she took. She asked the organizers of the camping trip if Baba could take my place, so Baba could pay for me and I’d get my money back. That was fine.
Well, on the first night, Baba confessed to my partner that she had a crush on her.
My partner told me right away. She was flattered, but nothing happened. Still, in my head I thought: What the fuck. Can I have a moment of peace here?
Jokes aside, I didn’t like it. Baba came instead of me, knew about our open relationship, and still decided to confess something — knowing we were in a sensitive moment. Days after the camping trip, I shared my doubts with my partner, and she told me: “Don’t put responsibility on Baba, she hasn’t done anything wrong.”
Well, I disagree.
I asked my partner if she liked her. She said that if things weren’t the way they were between us, she would’ve made a move. We’ve spent the last months talking and talking. I see her genuine effort to fix things. We're trying to go back to normal.
She has a date with a guy next week, and I feel pretty calm, like before. We’re trying to rebuild the same confidence we had, though I told her I feel like I’m starting from zero.
We also went out with Baba and other friends again. She’s a cool girl, I suppose. But I still don’t think what she did was cool. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I need more perspectives.
But for me, it’s fundamental how someone approaches my partner’s relationship with me. I can’t just be a name in the air — I need to be acknowledged and respected. If it starts with making a move when I’m not even there... uff. I don’t know.
I feel very unstable and insecure. I know it takes time. We’re talking like we used to, finally, and trying to rebuild trust.
Tonight, she’s out with friends — and Baba is in the city (she doesn’t live here). My partner asked me to join them at a reggaeton party (sorry reggaeton lovers, not my thing). My body and brain are screaming: stay home.
I thought deeply about why I would go. And the answer was: to check on her. And I don’t want that to be the reason. I am not crazy about Baba after the move she made.
I told my partner I’d stay home — I didn’t say why, though. I want to explain it in person, and I don’t want to ruin her night with ghosts from my head. She was very understanding and sweet. She said she’d write me when she’s going home, and maybe come to my place.
Rationally, I’m trying to trust her. And I think I am. But emotionally, I still feel unsafe.
I guess I wanted to share and vent. Maybe ask for some perspective or tips.
And also for... forgiveness for the long thread!
Be safe and kind to yourselves.
Here to share some pieces of my story, hoping to find some positivity and courage.
More than a year ago, my partner (F, pansexual) and I (F, lesbian) started to think about going to a kinky party. It had always been in our minds to explore something new together as a couple. We finally decided to go (we went in April).
In a moment of excitement, she told a couple of friends about it — and they basically decided to come with us. I was a bit disappointed because, for me, that was meant to be an intimate experience for us, not just another party with our friends. Later, she told me that it slipped out accidentally and she couldn’t say no to them.
What’s done is done, never mind, I said.
As the kinky party got closer, we — and our friends — got more excited. One Friday evening, my girlfriend and I had a date planned, but that same day, she told me she’d forgotten she already made plans for a “test-outfit evening” with the friends who had invited themselves.
I got irritated. Not only was “our” evening no longer “ours,” but now it felt like just another rave-techno party they all go to every year. It wasn’t meant to be like this — and she hadn’t even thought about that. Again, what’s done is done. It’s okay.
Quick digression: Months ago (maybe in February), we went to a techno party. A guy from our circle came up to me and told me he liked my girlfriend a lot (something had happened between them years ago) and he’d love for something to happen again.
I told him he should ask her if she was okay with that. I appreciated that he came to me too — he included me in his thoughts. In the following months, after my girlfriend and I talked about the possibility of something happening within our circle of friends, they started chatting and it was likely they’d eventually meet up.
Back to the kinky party. After the "test-outfit Friday," my partner and I talked again. I shared that I was hurt — it felt reduced to just a normal party with friends. We clarified things, and then she asked me if it would be a problem if she kissed the guy from our circle.
At first, I didn’t recognize why the question was so unsettling. But I just said yes, it would be a problem. I repeated that I was going to be there and I wouldn’t feel comfortable. Again, this was meant to be our first experience at a kinky party and again, she didn't get that.
The night of nights finally arrived. We went and had a lot of fun. Toward the end of the evening, I had an anxiety attack (something I suffer from sometimes), so I asked my partner if we could go home a bit early.
Before leaving, the guy came up to me and started talking. He said he wanted to get to know me better. We talked about my girlfriend and he told me he wanted to take her somewhere with his van, maybe camping. He said he "didn’t want to take her away from me."
I tried to cut the conversation — he was high. The last thing he said was that I could try with his wife. I told him that — aside from the fact that she’s straight — maybe she should be the one to decide that. He was basically trying to pimp his wife.
I cut the conversation short and asked my girlfriend to go home. I was feeling very anxious — and the party was almost over anyway.
At home, I told my partner what the guy had said. I said I was really disturbed by it. She was very silent and just told me he was an asshole and I should ignore him. We were tired and went to bed.
The next day, while we were having coffee, she confessed that she and the guy had kissed at the bar while buying drinks. I was dancing somewhere, so I hadn’t seen them.
I won’t write out the whole conversation and all the processing that took place after. But I was — and still am — very hurt. I felt betrayed.
I told her that I can't just vanish in front of a scratch like that. Our rules need to be stronger — otherwise there’s no point in having them. She hadn’t even considered what it would’ve been like for me to see them. I was also mad that she waited to tell me — especially when we’d just talked about him before going to bed.
She said she didn’t want to make my anxiety worse. She also justified the guy’s behavior, saying that yeah, it was an asshole, but he’s always like that — especially when high. But in my view, then he shouldn’t take drugs.
The idea of something happening within our circle was, for me, also about mutual care. The third person needs to care for me, not just my partner. He’s supposed to be my friend — or at least act like it — and have regard for me too. To make sure I’m on board. To ask first. Not just act on impulse. That’s why I appreciated that he came to me in February.
But at the kinky party, it was awful. Not just how he tried to manipulate me — knowing they had already kissed and he knew that it was outside our rules for the night — but also his behavior, like trying to pimp his wife. That’s a big NO for me.
I felt tricked.
Later, they called him and told him it wasn’t okay how he spoke to me. He apologized and said he wanted to talk to me next time. He never made an attempt to reach out to me, asking my phone number, nothing.
We talked a lot, my partner and I. I reflected a lot. My trust in her disappeared completely, and we spent a couple of months in crisis.
There was another event — a camping trip — and in the end, I decided not to go because he would be there. I didn’t want to see him or spend my free time uncomfortable. That led to a big fight.
In the past months, we stopped communicating clearly like we used to. Everything we had kept to ourselves — especially me — came out all at once, including the very big trust issues I now have. I apologized because I realized I hadn’t been sharing my thoughts and fears properly with her, so she was in the dark. We clarified everything, and she understood why I didn’t want to go. She reassured me that nothing would happen with the guy while she was there.
My partner met a new friend — let’s call her Baba — in a class she took. She asked the organizers of the camping trip if Baba could take my place, so Baba could pay for me and I’d get my money back. That was fine.
Well, on the first night, Baba confessed to my partner that she had a crush on her.
My partner told me right away. She was flattered, but nothing happened. Still, in my head I thought: What the fuck. Can I have a moment of peace here?
Jokes aside, I didn’t like it. Baba came instead of me, knew about our open relationship, and still decided to confess something — knowing we were in a sensitive moment. Days after the camping trip, I shared my doubts with my partner, and she told me: “Don’t put responsibility on Baba, she hasn’t done anything wrong.”
Well, I disagree.
I asked my partner if she liked her. She said that if things weren’t the way they were between us, she would’ve made a move. We’ve spent the last months talking and talking. I see her genuine effort to fix things. We're trying to go back to normal.
She has a date with a guy next week, and I feel pretty calm, like before. We’re trying to rebuild the same confidence we had, though I told her I feel like I’m starting from zero.
We also went out with Baba and other friends again. She’s a cool girl, I suppose. But I still don’t think what she did was cool. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I need more perspectives.
But for me, it’s fundamental how someone approaches my partner’s relationship with me. I can’t just be a name in the air — I need to be acknowledged and respected. If it starts with making a move when I’m not even there... uff. I don’t know.
I feel very unstable and insecure. I know it takes time. We’re talking like we used to, finally, and trying to rebuild trust.
Tonight, she’s out with friends — and Baba is in the city (she doesn’t live here). My partner asked me to join them at a reggaeton party (sorry reggaeton lovers, not my thing). My body and brain are screaming: stay home.
I thought deeply about why I would go. And the answer was: to check on her. And I don’t want that to be the reason. I am not crazy about Baba after the move she made.
I told my partner I’d stay home — I didn’t say why, though. I want to explain it in person, and I don’t want to ruin her night with ghosts from my head. She was very understanding and sweet. She said she’d write me when she’s going home, and maybe come to my place.
Rationally, I’m trying to trust her. And I think I am. But emotionally, I still feel unsafe.
I guess I wanted to share and vent. Maybe ask for some perspective or tips.
And also for... forgiveness for the long thread!
Be safe and kind to yourselves.
