Curious to know what role I will play in your life...

drinnt

New member
Hi Gang,

It's been a LONG time since I posted here. I have been in a poly-fidelitous quad that started in swinger roots for three years. Fall 2014 our quad broke into two V's and for over a year that has been working better and better for us. Three years of polyamory under my belt and I'm branching out.

Last year we all opened our marriages and relationships. My first date was a disaster, certainly was not "dating my species" as Minx says on her polyamory weekly podcast. Plus my wife and I had a hard time finding our way through the process and I fell back into my V for security.

Now I'm branching out in earnest. I was stereotypically "not looking" for anyone and I met someone at a kink event that I felt a connection and chemistry with. We went on a date and it was amazing. It has sparked a lot of thought and now that it appears we have the ingredients to make something of it I am being told...

"I am curious to know what role I will play in your life..." This is a wonderful question and it's one I am curious to know the answer my potential future partner has as well. Clearly we have a lot of awesome conversation to have as we move forward.

My question to all of you is...wow, I'm finding myself at a huge poly threshold here and I'm looking for advice on how to best sort through my own shit to get down to a concise answer here. I know what I want, sure...but what's the best way to sort through all those "what if's" and "uknowns" to come up with a concise way of COMMUNICATING this one? Anyone have thoughts / experiences to share? Best practices? LOL (hate that term)

I feel like my wife and I have so much learning, evolving and growing to do - as well as myself - so my head is swimming with all these connections and emotional directions. Plus it's my first time in a 3rd potential relationship. I don't want to frak it up if I can help it. I would rather it go no where than go disastrously.
 
"I am curious to know what role I will play in your life..." This is a wonderful question and it's one I am curious to know the answer my potential future partner has as well.

...

I know what I want, sure...but what's the best way to sort through all those "what if's" and "uknowns" to come up with a concise way of COMMUNICATING this one?

So what do you want? Maybe stating it here would help others give the sorts of answers you'd find most helpful.

I feel this was my big question through two years with XBF, and I think one of our problems was that he couldn't face the truth of his answer, himself. And so, I never got a real answer from him. It did end disastrously. He knew what he wanted, but it wasn't quite what he led me to believe he was giving.

You're wise to think this through before you go too far.
 
"I am curious to know what role I will play in your life..." ....

I'm finding myself at a huge poly threshold here and I'm looking for advice on how to best sort through my own shit to get down to a concise answer here. I know what I want, sure...but what's the best way to sort through all those "what if's" and "uknowns" to come up with a concise way of COMMUNICATING this one? Anyone have thoughts / experiences to share? Best practices?
I have three relationships as is, and also branched out from a V formation quite unexpectedly. I did really not sort through any "what if's" and "unknowns" beforehand... we went with the flow, rather.

I did let my new partner know the reality of my life as a whole and that I'd not have that much time for him. He seemed to be cool with it and not very concerned about his role in my life. We just felt the connection and both wanted to explore it. So far the relationship has been a good one, no drama there at all.

It has been a bit of a struggle for both of my previous partners to accept the new situation, but we have worked through it nicely, I'd say.

My advice would be to figure out how much time you have for this new person and communicate that. Also, if this new partner wants to know, make them aware of the other commitments in your life and tell your priorities.
 
So what do you want? Maybe stating it here would help others give the sorts of answers you'd find most helpful.

That's fair so here goes. I am in two committed relationships. I'm married and live with my wife. Every other weekend I am with my current girlfriend, as well as one other week night in between.

Thus my weekends are pretty much spoken for leaving me with a weeknight (and rare weekend night) every two or three weeks (maybe more, maybe less depending on what's going on in my life) to explore another relationship.

I don't foresee myself being able to commit much more of my time than that weeknight every 2-3 +/- weeks to this new relationship.

I am however accessible for texting or calling and can remain in communication with a new partner.

I am open to a "playmate" relationship that is mostly exploring physical chemistry with emotional boundaries or I am open to a full spectrum emotional relationship. Either would be explored over the amount of time I have available to commit to this new relationship.

So boiling it down: I'm looking for a playmate/girlfriend who is open to exploring what we have in the limited time I am available with or without staying in touch in between.

What role will they play in my life? THAT is a very interesting question because it's not quite the same as "what do you want?" I guess as I've written it, it could be the role of lover or girlfriend or fuck buddy, but I'm reticent to define it or type cast it.

I simply dig this woman and want to explore what we have fully in the time I have to do it. Quite honestly a year from now I have no idea what role she might have in my life, meaning it could be a lot bigger (or not) than I can tell standing here at this point in time.

I'm certainly not a single guy looking for a standard relationship progression here, nor am I looking to significantly change the amount of time I spend with my current partners. So then I guess it will be up to her what "role" she is willing to play.

Clearly we have a lot of honest talking to do.

One caveat to me here: I'm still struggling letting go of conventional relationship thought-forms. Every once in a while I feel "bad" that this is what I want. I have to keep telling myself, this is NOT a conventional relationship you are looking for. You may fall in love but you are not going to A) fall in love, B) go steady, C) get married, D).... So there's that bouncing in my head too...fighting convention.


I did let my new partner know the reality of my life as a whole and that I'd not have that much time for him. He seemed to be cool with it and not very concerned about his role in my life. We just felt the connection and both wanted to explore it. So far the relationship has been a good one, no drama there at all.

Yes, I did that already. She asked me "what are you looking for?" and I pretty much laid it out as 'someone who is willing to explore what we have in the time I have available'. But in the texts between seeing one another I am sensing there is a lot of potential for feelings to develop here and I think she senses that too and is wondering "where is this guy seeing this going? what is he going to expect of me? or...what can i expect of him?"

Either way I'm seeing this as a definite trigger to talk, deeply and honestly about her needs behind asking "what role I see her playing".

I did respond to her and said "I think we've confirmed the chemistry we sampled is on the right track. I think it's only responsible to talk about ALL the aspects to make sure we evolve anything between us in a direction that works for us both, absolutely yes. I'm really happy you ask these questions. I'm curious to hear your perspective as well. It's been on my mind to talk about since last we met, especially after things went so well. One thing is for sure I don't want either of us second guessing or wondering what's going on here, so we'll just have to define it together, make sure it works and talk about it often as we move forward...and of course enjoy it thoroughly along the way."

So there's more info for you guys.
 
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Have you told your potential all this? You seem to lay it out there just fine on the forum. To me it adequately answers "where does this guy seeing this going? what is he going to expect of me? or...what can i expect of him?"

I am in two committed relationships. I'm married and live with my wife. Every other weekend I am with my current girlfriend, as well as one other week night in between.

Thus my weekends are pretty much spoken for leaving me with a weeknight (and rare weekend night) every two or three weeks (maybe more, maybe less depending on what's going on in my life) to explore another relationship.

I don't foresee myself being able to commit much more of my time than that weeknight every 2-3 +/- weeks to this new relationship.

I am however accessible for texting or calling and can remain in communication with a new partner.

I am open to a "playmate" relationship that is mostly exploring physical chemistry with emotional boundaries or I am open to a full spectrum emotional relationship. Either would be explored over the amount of time I have available to commit to this new relationship.

So boiling it down: I'm looking for a playmate/girlfriend who is open to exploring what we have in the limited time I am available with or without staying in touch in between.

That's all you can realistically offer at this time. She can either accept the offer or decline.

No hard feelings however it is she answers.


Every once in a while I feel "bad" that this is what I want.

How come? (Knowing what you realistically have space for) is just a reality of poly.

  • There is only but so much time for dating and relationship maintenance to spend out of the time wallet. There's only 24 hours in a day.
  • Only but so much money for dating to spend out of the money wallet. There's only X dollars in your dating budget.
  • Only but so much mental and emotional energy to spend out of the mental and emotional energy wallets. There's only a budget for Y at this time. You have to spend X on you FIRST so that you can operate from a full tank of gas and not risk burning out.

Me? If I can handle 4, I date 3. If I can handle 3, I date 2. If I can handle 2, I leave it at 1. Always one less than I can deal with so I always leave 1 "buffer" slot open for health emergencies and what not to take up space and time so I can handle THAT ok. And not be pushing myself into breaking point from over scheduling and spreading self too thin.

What for? This is supposed to be enjoyable, not super stress making.

I honor commitments in the order made, and don't take on more commitments than I can do. I am not Superwoman.

Galagirl
 
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Thus my weekends are pretty much spoken for leaving me with a weeknight (and rare weekend night) every two or three weeks (maybe more, maybe less depending on what's going on in my life) to explore another relationship.

I don't foresee myself being able to commit much more of my time than that weeknight every 2-3 +/- weeks to this new relationship.

I am however accessible for texting or calling and can remain in communication with a new partner.

I am open to a "playmate" relationship that is mostly exploring physical chemistry with emotional boundaries or I am open to a full spectrum emotional relationship. Either would be explored over the amount of time I have available to commit to this new relationship.

So boiling it down: I'm looking for a playmate/girlfriend who is open to exploring what we have in the limited time I am available with or without staying in touch in between.

What role will they play in my life? THAT is a very interesting question because it's not quite the same as "what do you want?" I guess as I've written it, it could be the role of lover or girlfriend or fuck buddy, but I'm reticent to define it or type cast it.

I simply dig this woman and want to explore what we have fully in the time I have to do it. Quite honestly, a year from now I have no idea what role she might have in my life, meaning it could be a lot bigger (or not) than I can tell standing here at this point in time.

I'm certainly not a single guy looking for a standard relationship progression here, nor am I looking to significantly change the amount of time I spend with my current partners. So then I guess it will be up to her what "role" she is willing to play.

As Gala Girl says, you're quite able to say what you want here. Why not simply tell her this?

I am curious how you see any chance of her playing a bigger role in your life, let alone a lot bigger, when you're booked nearly solid and have no intention of reducing your time with your other two partners.

How do you foresee maintaining emotional boundaries? Emotions do not always cooperate with boundaries, especially when sex is involved. And on the flip side, how would you see a full emotional relationship on a couple of nights a month, with no intention of ever giving more?

Yes, as you've written it, it sounds very much like you want her to play the role of fuck buddy in your life. Why are you reticent to call it that?

FWIW...I think XBF knew exactly what role he wanted me to play in his life and refused to say it upfront because he knew it sounded crass. He wanted me to play that role, but never admit that we both knew what the role really was...because it sounded crass. In addition, his reality and his fantasy were in conflict with one another. He refused to acknowledge that they couldn't both be true, and thus did a lot of evading when I asked him questions like, "What is my place in your life?"

Whatever you want, and whatever role you want her to play, say it upfront. And be very realistic and honest with yourself, as well.
 
I agree you've expressed your desires and limits quite well. I am envious of your new person. I had a few dates with a guy last summer and fall who has a wife and a kid he lives with, and a gf who has a kid, that he sees most weekends. I messaged him on OKC, since he seemed very attractive. He responded immediately and when we met, was very interested in intimacy, though he was honest about his time limitations.

We clicked well and had great intellectual and sexual chemistry. But he just doesn't seem to have the time to meet me anymore. :( It makes me mad he was so insistent on having a few dates and some fantastic sex, but isn't truly available to keep things going. I think he should take down his OKC profile, because he just doesn't have time for more than two women and two kids and a demanding career. sigh...
 
In addition to everything that's been said, I'd add that this is the time to let her know if there are any restrictions placed on the relationship due to agreements with your existing partners. Ie, does anyone have veto power? What are your safe sex agreements? Any other restrictions like no overnights, no vacations, no hosting in your home, etc?

Last thought, I'd see what she's looking for and whether that meshes up with what you want and can realistically offer. I think this can be tricky.

I'm in a similar position although I have a bit more free time (roughly one evening/week but no overnights at this time because I still have teens at home and do not want to host in my home when they are present, or stay overnight elsewhere when they are home-which is almost every night.) I'm open to a relationship evolving as my kids graduate and move onto college within the next couple years; however, I don't want that to be a premise for someone choosing to be with me. Meaning specifically, I don't want them to settle for less than what they currently want just because I am open to more and will likely have more to offer later.
 
Hi Steve,

Re (from OP):
"I know what I want, sure ... but what's the best way to sort through all those 'what if's' and 'unknowns' ..."

Nevermind the short version for the moment ... in as many words as you need, can you tell me (in three parts)

  • what you do want,
  • what the "what-if's" are,
  • what the "unknowns" are (as best as you can identify and describe them)?
Re:
"Plus it's my first time in a third potential relationship."

The above confused me. What was meant by "third?" Do you mean you were in a V shape, while now you are in a Y shape?

Re (from drinnt):
"So boiling it down: I'm looking for a playmate/girlfriend who is open to exploring what we have in the limited time I am available with or without staying in touch in between."

Ah, well stated. That's pretty much verbatim what I would suggest saying to your potential future partner.

Good points have been made throughout this thread.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
First of all, thank you all who have added to this thread so far. I've gleaned that I'm on the right track but simply lack the experience to have confidence in knowing so. That said I feel I could certainly soak up more wisdom so I will expand on some replies...

Hi Steve,

Nevermind the short version for the moment ... in as many words as you need, can you tell me (in three parts)
  • what you do want,
  • what the "what-if's" are,
  • what the "unknowns" are (as best as you can identify and describe them)?


The above confused me. What was meant by "third?" Do you mean you were in a V shape, while now you are in a Y shape?

Kevin - what do I want? I want a woman with whom I have excellent chemistry to explore physical, emotional and mental intimacy with within the confines of an open and polyamorous relationship where we are both free to see other people and have other commitments but use the time we do have together to enjoy what we have to the fullest.

The what if's? What if she feels that at some point every other week isn't enough and she wants more? Would I have been better off keeping things more casual? What if I keep things casual and we never get to have a deep, profound experience because I was afraid of the first what if? I guess basically...what if I choose the wrong direction here and damn it from the get go?

The unknowns? Right now: A) what does she see as a place in my life that would light her up and also be sustainable? B) how does she feel about my other relationship commitments being what they are? C) is she capable of investing emotionally without needing more time together to enjoy what we have when we have it? D) is she going to measure the success of our relationship against the conventional relationship timeline?

Regarding this being my potential first time having a 3rd relationship...I mean just that. I've never had 3 women in my life. I have a V and this would become a Y. Yes. So I'm doing everything I can to get my safety equipment on board and get training so I'm somewhat prepared when things happen.

I am curious how you see any chance of her playing a bigger role in your life, let alone a lot bigger, when you're booked nearly solid and have no intention of reducing your time with your other two partners.

How do you foresee maintaining emotional boundaries? Emotions do not always cooperate with boundaries, especially when sex is involved. And on the flip side, how would you see a full emotional relationship on a couple of nights a month, with no intention of ever giving more?

Yes, as you've written it, it sounds very much like you want her to play the role of fuck buddy in your life. Why are you reticent to call it that?

I guess if you measure bigger in TIME then perhaps there is a little room for seeing her more often than every 2-3 weeks but certainly on average it will not be weekly. So TIME wise, it can't get much bigger.

Emotional boundaries? That's tricky. She's a lover from what I can tell and I'm a lover. Meaning we're passionate and going to be prone to fall in love and enjoy that ride. I don't see the correlation between being with her and being able to offer my full spectrum of emotions to the relationship though. Certainly I have found in my V that being together makes things easier, YES, but seeing my paramour once every 10 days for the last 3 years has not dampened the depth of our relationship...just the speed at which it progresses. I guess I would want the same here, if she does too. Full depth of emotion played out over a different timeline.

I am also VERY OKAY with fuck buddy. My first choice is to feel love, passion and depth. If that's going to be a concern in correlation with the time I'm able to give her then fuck buddy is perfect with me...as I would rather have her that way than not at all.

The distinction between the two and where we go I guess will depend on the results of our conversation this week on what direction we want to take this.

I don't want to confuse her and ACT like a boyfriend but only come around when I have time...but quite honestly this is only available when I have time. Let me be clear, unless things fizzle I'm not going to stop "coming around". I'm not a player, I prefer relationships...so I prefer to create them with a chance to be lasting from the start. If they last, great! If they don't, that's okay...but I'm not likely to get bored after a few dates and never call again. That's not me. If I have interest from the start it will likely go somewhere.

So I want something that works on that timeline from the start. My biggest fear is nurturing something that will over grow what I have available to give. I know there's never any assurance of that in life...but we can certainly do our best to create an environment that makes it possible rather than simply stride in throwing caution to the wind just because "it felt good at the time."

FYI***** I DO plan on having these conversations with her and sharing this WITH her this week. All this is very much helping me hone it down to a concise answer to her questions and figuring out what I need to know in return. You know, basically not sound like a bumbling idiot who has no idea what he wants. LOL Because I DO know what I want.
 
As I read back over my replies it becomes clear that:

I would very much enjoy a full-spectrum* emotional experience that plays out over an unconventional time line. I also want to nurture a relationship that is enjoyable and sustainable in the time** I am available to give. So, alternatively I am also open to a play-mate/fuck-buddy relationship that respects emotional boundaries***.

* = fall in love
** = an overnight every 2-3 weeks, sometimes less, sometimes more
*** = talking about love and nurturing deep emotional connection through words and actions would be outside the boundaries of what's available
 
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Hey Steve,

Maybe the thing to say would be, something like, "I want us to have a natural and enjoyable relationship within the time that we have. I know we don't have a lot of time each month, but I'm hoping you'll feel okay about that."

Re: casual or not casual ... don't try to *make* it be either of the two, let it evolve naturally. Sure something could go wrong, but since you don't know which route is better (casual or not casual), why not let the route choose itself?

Re: the unknowns ... could largely be put to her in question form.

  • What do you see as a place in my life that would light you up? What can we try that's sustainable?
  • How do you feel about my other relationship commitments being what they are?
  • Can you invest emotionally without needing more time together? Can we enjoy what we have when we have it?
  • Would you measure the success of our relationship against the conventional relationship timeline?
You can adjust the above suggestions according to your own good judgment, of course. And you can negotiate with her in case there's an acceptable compromise to be worked out.

Those are a few more thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hey Steve,

Maybe the thing to say would be, something like, "I want us to have a natural and enjoyable relationship within the time that we have. I know we don't have a lot of time each month, but I'm hoping you'll feel okay about that."

Re: casual or not casual ... don't try to *make* it be either of the two, let it evolve naturally. Sure something could go wrong, but since you don't know which route is better (casual or not casual), why not let the route choose itself?

Re: the unknowns ... could largely be put to her in question form.

  • What do you see as a place in my life that would light you up? What can we try that's sustainable?
  • How do you feel about my other relationship commitments being what they are?
  • Can you invest emotionally without needing more time together? Can we enjoy what we have when we have it?
  • Would you measure the success of our relationship against the conventional relationship timeline?
You can adjust the above suggestions according to your own good judgment, of course. And you can negotiate with her in case there's an acceptable compromise to be worked out.

Those are a few more thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Wow Kevin, that is SUPER INSIGHTFUL and I love it! Thank you so much! Cuts right through the fog and is really heartfelt. *highfive* "Let the route chose itself..." Okay, I'm pumped!
 
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Yes, "what role do you see me playing in your life?" is indeed a very different question than "what do you want?" - at least to me it is.

If someone asked me that, I would tell him "I don't want you to play a role. I want you to be you. I want us to spend time together and have a connection that works for and satisfies both of us, within the constraints we have on our time and in our lives. If I came up with some sort of predetermined role for you to fit into, and we tried to make that happen, it would only get in the way of us exploring and finding out for ourselves what shape our relationship will take. Conversely, if that role was something you'd reject, it would also deprive us of a potentially rich opportunity for both of us. So, yes, while I'd definitely like you to have a place in my life, I don't need you to play a role. Let's just find out what works."
 
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Yes, "what role do you see me playing in your life?" is indeed a very different question than "what do you want?" - at least to me it is.

If someone asked me that, I would tell him "I don't want you to play a role. I want you to be you. I want us to spend time together and have a connection that works for and satisfies both of us, within the constraints we have on our time and in our lives. If I came up with some sort of predetermined role for you to fit into, and we tried to make that happen, it would only get in the way of us exploring and finding out for ourselves what shape our relationship will take. Conversely, if that role was something you'd reject, it would also deprive us of a potentially rich opportunity for both of us. So, yes, while I'd definitely like you to have a place in my life, I don't need you to play a role. Let's just find out what works."

I've spent the last day thinking about what Kevin said and one thing I have had a hard time reconciling was the notion of defining a "role" and also declaring a desire for a naturally evolution of "us". They seem to be at odds.

I thank you for your post because that slices right through the struggle I was having plugging a round idea into a square hole. I've got 4 hours to think this through so I can present clearly and honestly what is available for us.

I'm so glad you replied.
 
I've spent the last day thinking about what Kevin said and one thing I have had a hard time reconciling was the notion of defining a "role" and also declaring a desire for a naturally evolution of "us". They seem to be at odds.

I thank you for your post because that slices right through the struggle I was having plugging a round idea into a square hole. I've got 4 hours to think this through so I can present clearly and honestly what is available for us.

I'm so glad you replied.


I too would have an immensely difficult time responding to that question (or asking it myself) to someone new in my life. I would also be rather peeved at being stuck into a specific role or purpose in someone's life. This seems 'worse' early on but, really, it would irk me at any point in the relationship.

See, I also don't want to play a role in someone's life, or have other people play roles in mine. That feels so inauthentic to me. It also feels like a trap - be this role or you are nothing to me! (To be clear, you, drinnt, are not doing this. This is just how this scenario feels internally emotionally to me.)

Ok, that said, I like it when people are clear and honest about their expectations. Expectations are not automatically a 'role' although, especially when unexamined, they can certainly shade into that.

So, for example, I need to know how much time a potential partner can spend with me. If you have limited time available, tell people that. Being upfront about that is critical to me as time spent together is an important need for me personally. I prefer to see people at least once a week. Other possible future partners may have very different calculus here - this is very personal. However, the critical part for you is that you are upfront about it. Then it's on the person you are interacting with to decide if they can manage with what you have to offer.

It's similar for other aspects of being in a relationship. What can you offer? What can't you at this time? It's ok if there is a large portion of 'I don't know' in there. No one can know everything at the beginning, plus we change over time as do our circumstances. And a good faith effort to think about these types of things and be honest about them with people who show interest will take you far.

Consider that figuring out the 'roles' you can offer and what you want is a bit misleading. What you can figure out, at least to start, is what you want and what you can offer, and what you can't at this point in time.

Good luck. May not seem like it but you are going about this in a positive way.
 
Wishing you the best of luck! :)

Thanks! :-*

I too would have an immensely difficult time responding to that question (or asking it myself) to someone new in my life. I would also be rather peeved at being stuck into a specific role or purpose in someone's life. This seems 'worse' early on but, really, it would irk me at any point in the relationship.

Consider that figuring out the 'roles' you can offer and what you want is a bit misleading. What you can figure out, at least to start, is what you want and what you can offer, and what you can't at this point in time.

Good luck. May not seem like it but you are going about this in a positive way.

When she texted me that she was curious what role she will play in my life, and subsequently texted me recently that she was so curious about "us" I have been getting the feeling that this is weighing on her mind as much as it is mine.

I believe we both have the same goals = we want this to work.

I'm staying focused solely on my side of the equation though my input from her is that she too is excited and wants to clarify some things before giving herself over to the experience.

I have 3 years of hard won swinger turn poly relationship experience in a quad that broke apart because metamours can't stand each other. I learned a LOT and then even more at some initial struggles opening our relationships.

My potential new partner has been monogamous up to 8 months ago. She's embracing polyamoury and sees it as what she has been looking for all her years struggling in her past long-term relationships.

So I feel that I have a good handle on setting the tone for whatever "us" is going to be. I feel that with everyone's gracious and loving help here that I've nailed it down for myself and can at least be concisely true to me. This is not something I want to bumble through but it has to come from the heart.

I feel I can do that, and quite possibly crack that shell of cautious optimism and welcome her out into the warm and loving world of what it is to be ethically polyamorous.

I'm very curious and excited to see where this goes tonight. I know it's going somewhere, but we're talking about the difference of driving through the obstacle course flawlessly or knocking down every fucking cone on the way through. LOL

I'd rather nail it and give her an amazing first glimpse into how great relationships can be when you open up and communicate from the heart and through the head.
 
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