Currently poly, but one partner wants mono :(

N

Northern

New member
Please excuse the length of this post. We are not exactly in a simple style of relationship.

Me:
Knowing by example that I was poly (having been in love with two people at one time, yet only being involved with one of them), I finally had the chance to discover it first hand, when coming out of a 5-year relationship at the beginning of last year. I had first set out to be single for a while and sow some wild oats, as it were, but feelings developed, and so here we are.

I met BF#1 in January of last year, and so far it's been one of the most easygoing and free-flowing relationships I've ever had. We only see each other once every 10 days or so, but what we have is very precious. He has another partner, who he's been seeing for a few years also. We are both happy with the way things are going, and would like to remain in the same situation for a long time to come.

I met BF#2 in March of last year. It is a solid relationship, as we see each other several times per week. I hope this relationship is for the long haul. Things with #2 are without doubt more complicated, as over time, his feelings have changed from being ok with polyamory, to wanting monogamy. Though he has tried things with other people, I worry that he does it just to sate me, and I know for a fact that this is sometimes the case.

1 and 2 have not met, and because of possible personality clashes, it's not likely they will. We all want to be happy-- me with them, #1 with us and #2 with me. Things cannot go on as they are, yet it would break my heart to lose either of them, and I'm at a loss for what to do.

Has anyone been in this situation before, and perhaps shed some light on the best way to come to a compromise (if one can be had in this)?
 
It sounds like you should let BF #2 know it is ok to be mono if he wants to be. Hopefully, he can adapt to the idea that your love for BF#1 does not affect him. You could try some counseling with a pro-polyamory counselor. Or maybe get him to talk about how he feels on a forum like this one or another.

I guess it would depend on how badly their personalities would clash, but it might be good for them to meet.
 
I appreciate the advice. Thanks. I'm perfectly happy for BF#2 to be mono if he would like to, but he also wants me to be the same, which is the crux of the matter. I apologize if I didn't make that clear in my first post. I can respect that feelings can change/evolve over time, but unfortunately this has only been from one side.

I can sense an ultimatum coming. I know he doesn't wants to do that, as he thinks that I'll choose my lifestyle over him. I'm not sure at this point what I'd do if that happened. Maybe I'm just delaying the inevitable by trying to ride it out.

As for counseling, as good an idea as it is, #2 doesn't like the sound of it, and neither of us can afford it at the moment. I feel like Sisyphus pushing that ball up a hill. Every time #2 and I make some headway in our feelings, it comes rolling back down again.
 
I can see that being a tough uphill struggle, especially if he thinks of your relationships as just a "lifestyle," rather than about whom you love. That's as damning as saying "It's just a phase."
 
I second what yoxi said. It's going to be very difficult for you if #2 views it that way and issues you an ultimatum. We are a "possession" society and many guys truly view "their" women as another possession. Perhaps this is at the root of all jealousy issues?
 
Mark1npt said:
... many guys truly view "their" women as another "possession"...
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And of course, many women view "their" men that way too. It's just something people do sometimes. We all need to look deep into ourselves to make sense of jealousies. There's generally a middle ground between "it's all my stuff" and "It's all their stuff."
 
I'll play devil's advocate here, I guess.

There is also the simple possibility that his depth of emotion for you has changed. He may be falling deeply in love with you and, being monogamously wired, he is following his nature. It is like the transition between casual dating and committing to one person in the usual path of monogamy. For him it might simply be a natural progression based on his nature. A monogamous mindset does not always imply wanting to possess someone. It can also be about two people committing to each other in a very specific way based on mutual expectations.

The key here is seeing if there is a way to bridge the gap between his progressing expectations and yours. Social or environmental conditioning is often used as a scapegoat for people not being confident enough to follow their own paths. I fully agree that the external factors of environmental conditioning play a part in many relationships, but certainly not all. Don't assume he is just bending to the expected norm, is all I am saying.

Hopefully you will find a way to progress in your relationship. But alternately, hopefully you will be able to let go if there is no way to meet your natural needs and his.
 
I stand corrected, yoxi. Of course, you are right. Women do it too. But my perspective has been more from what I've seen fellow guys do, as a rule.
 
Mono, I think you hit on something here. Their changing levels of love or commitment appear to be altering their views, wants, etc. Very difficult to catch lightning in a bottle and contain it there.
 
Hey, Mark, I wasn't trying to correct you. I was just adding another side to the discussion. I find it helps to see that alongside the differences between men and women, we're also both more similar than we like to think we are.
 
yoxi said:
Hey, Mark1npt, I wasn't trying to correct you, I was just adding another side to the discussion :). I find it helps to see that alongside the differences between men and women, we're also both more similar than we like to think we are.
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Ya, especially when you're dealing with "gender" as a subjective thing... as with regards to trans-sexual, trans-gender, and gender-roles. We are not necessarily the sum of our chromosomes.
 
Vive la similitude ! We (or at least I) live in a very digital culture - man/woman, gay/straight/bi, monogamous/promiscuous, young/old, etc., etc., etc.

No sense of spectrum, probability fields, or the idea that people move around within these fields. I am at different times more (or less) gay, male, monoamorous, young. It all seems to wander about, and tribal pigeonholes are not set up to welcome that reality.
 
Thanks for all the replies. There's been a touch of progress since I last posted.

#2 and I agreed that we were at a stalemate, and it was either go on being in limbo, or coming to the conclusion to end it. We had a long and difficult talk, and he has suggested pursuing another lady he was thinking of seeing (rather than just a fling), in order to try and find out if his emotions can take it.

It's not the sharing of physical intimacy that bothers him, more so the emotional aspects. He says that he does not have the emotional, financial or time resources to give someone else what he gives me, and that any time spent giving to someone else would be taking it away from me. I rather see it as an opportunity for him to grow outside of our relationship, but I do respect his outlook on it.

So here's hoping that time will help him make sense of things, whatever conclusion he comes to.
 
I can see where #2 is coming from with regard to splitting his efforts, time, money, etc. It is probably harder when 3 people are apart in different locales, living separate lives. In our 3 it is certainly to apportion out time, love, attention since we all live together. It simplifies a lot of stuff.
 
I would suggest that you re-think the meeting each other thing. I have a friend who just met his wife's other partner and it didn't go well. They are so different and it was very awkward. However, what was gained was that he got to see firsthand just how much this guy cares about her and how well he treats her. He also understands better what role he fits in her life because he is different. It might serve as a small discomfort for a good long-term goal of having both in your life and everyone feeling comfortable.

Monogamy for someone who is actually monogamous because they are that way, rather than feeling like it has been dictated to them, is a very special thing. It's governed by societal rules, but is much purer somehow. The bottom line is the love that is there. I wonder sometimes if people that are monogamous actually love to its fullest capacity when they just simply follow the societal rules. That is another topic, though.

I truly believe that if he really loves you, and is committed to a long-term relationship, that he will be open to the idea of examining different rules in your relationship than he has been given by society and has been used to in dealing with other relationships. In poly we get to make our own rules for ourselves and with each other. They can change and morph with time, but they are ours, and no one else's. Perhaps this is a time to set some rules and talk about boundaries, as you seem to be coming into a different phase of your relationship. This might be very difficult for him, but maybe if you lay it out in such a way that it is inviting, and take your time, then you will be able to reach a consensus and a timeline to work on things.
 
Northern said:
Thanks for all the replies - there's been a touch of progress since I last posted.

#2 and I agreed that we were at a stalemate, and it was either go on being in limbo, or coming to the conclusion to end it. We had a long and difficult talk, and he has suggested to persue another lady he was thinking of seeing (rather than just a fling), in order to try and find out if his emotions can take it.

It's not the sharing of physical intimacy that bothers him, moreso the emotional aspects. He says that he does not have the emotional, financial or time resources to give someone else what he gives me, and that any time spent giving to someone else would be taking it away from me. I rather see it as an opportunity for him to grow outside of our relationship, but I do respect his outlook on it.

So here's hoping that time will help him make sense of things, whatever conclusion he comes to.
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Sorry, I didn't read the second page. Oops! So is it over then? I'm confused. It doesn't sound like his heart is in it.
 
redpepper said:
I truly believe that if he really loves you and is committed to a long-term relationship that he will be open to the idea of examining different rules in your relationship than he has been given by society and has been used to in dealing with other relationships. In poly we get to make our own rules for ourselves and with each other. .
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It is important to remember that not all "monogamous rules" are determined and set out by society. Monogamy is also a human nature for some, therefore the rules are created internally based on what feels healthy for the individual.

If the love is great enough, it can face challenges, for sure! But it has to be huge!
 
MonoVCPHG said:
It is important to remember that not all "monogamous rules" are determined and set out by society. Monogamy is also human nature for some, therefore the rules are created internally based on what feels healthy for the individual.

If the love is great enough, it can face challenges, for sure! But it has to be huge!
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You missed that I said that...

"Monogamy, in someone who is actually monogamous because they are that way, rather than feeling like it has been dictated to them, is a very special thing." I am assuming that he is a "love for one person at a time type," as you are, not that he is mono because he has never thought he could or would want to be anything else.

I'm not trying to suggest that society's rules for relationships are bad, either (some of the rules are good ones), just that it is okay to challenge them and make your own by communicating honestly. I believe that you, Mono, make your own rules because of your nature in being monogamous and because of who you are, not because you have been expected to follow certain rules and are determined to live up to that expectation. Some people do that. It's like saying being gay is going against what society says is the right person to love for your gender.
 
redpepper said:
I believe that you, Mono, make your own rules, because of your nature in being monogamous, and because of who you are, not because you have been expected to follow certain rules and are determined to live up to that expectation.
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I totally agree, my Radiant Life Love. I understand now.
 
redpepper said:
oops... so is it over then I'm confused?
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#2 and I are are still together, but he has offered to try seeing someone else also, to help him decide what he wants. His potential other lady is happy enough with this situation, thankfully. Sometimes he thinks he can live with the situation, and sometimes not. :( It's understandable that his thoughts are swaying, so this may be a good way for us to find out.

I cannot see a meet-up working, however much of a good idea it is. Like in the situation you recounted, they are both very different, and they simply wouldn't get on at all. Perhaps it would be a good idea to tell them more about each other, as that may help #2 realise that it's not a matter of him not being enough, as I would have chosen someone similar if that was it!
 
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