Currently Questioning Poly?

[UmiChan90]

Hi all,

I'm so torn right now, and would like some outside perspective on things. I know I just posted about my polycule, but something has come up recently that has sent me reeling, and I need advice.

I hadn't even thought of taking another partner until I met someone at the arcade I frequent for DDR. He ticked all my boxes for what I want in a partner/relationship, and we clicked really well (so obviously a crush developed). I never had a good chance to tell him about my relationship, and I wanted to get a solid feel on what our connection was to bring it up.

We were hanging out at his place on last weekend, first time outside of the arcade. Things were great and the energy was good. Then, he kissed me. Omg it was....he was so sweet. To be honest, with him, I don't think I've felt a connection like this before, even with my other partners. Obviously, I had to tell him about my poly relationship before anything went further. I asked him if he'd be comfortable with that, and he said no.

He messaged me the other day and gave me a full explanation on why he isn't comfortable with poly. He brought up some points that I identified with a little TOO well, and that has me questioning so many things.

One good thing before I go into everything else though, all this has made me feel a sense of confidence and self-love that I've been trying to get for years now, I know who I am, what I'm worth, and what I want out of life.

Now to the bad....I know what I want out of life: a safe home to live in (where I don't have to constantly walk on eggshells), a family of my own, and someone who will give me a sense of stability. I'm starting to realize that my partners may not be able to fully give me these things.


My husband has anger issues and some past trauma that I can't help with, but he is all but refusing to go see a therapist/psychiatrist. And about kids....he was fine with us having them at the start of our relationship, but now he's told me he doesn't want any. He's also admitted to me that he has jealousy issues when it comes to potential new partners. He doesn't experience these issues with my current partner, as he had an established friendship with him before I started dating him.

My partner, while he is the most gentle, least prone to anger person I've met (and also wants kids), has said he can't live with someone or share a bed with them long term (like he and I can sleep together in the same bed for a couple of days at a time, but not on a more permanent basis), and marriage isn't on his horizon (which is okay with me, but I do like the stability that marriage can provide).

Also, I'm starting to think I have jealousy issues. Whenever I think of my partner being with his other partner (or a fwb), or of my husband finding another partner, I get this twisty feeling in the pit of my stomach and I start feeling worried that they'll leave me for the other person.

I know I definitely need to talk with both of them about this, but I don't know how. On the whole, they're both amazingly wonderful people who are my constant hype team and I love them both. But I'm also starting to realize what I want out of a relationship.

Basically, I'd be giving my husband an ultimatum: find and start seeing a therapist within X months or we're done (we've been a couple for 13 years and he has not ONCE sought help for his issues). And to my partner, I'd be letting him know of my jealously issues and asking to find a way to work through them.

I'm so scared of this though. This is what would happen if things go as I anticipate:

- My husband: would get super angry at first, make an effort for a few days, but ultimately give up and not do anything about it.

- My partner: We'd have a heart to heart but if my anxiety does indeed turn out to be jealousy, we'd probably break up.

However...

Best case scenario: Husband gets his much needed therapy and partner and I find a way to manage my issues.

Worst case scenario: I wind up a 34yo divorcee, totally single, and would have to start my life over.

Old me would people please her way into the ground and bottle these emotions up forever to not lose these relationships. New me wants to do what is best for ME, even if it costs me relationships.

I will admit, while I do still want to pursue Arcade Guy and try to date him, that's not why I'd be doing what I'm doing. I'd be doing this for me and me alone. If he decides to give me another shot, that'll just be a bonus (but it will also mean me not being in another poly relationship ever again - he's very, very monogamous)

And, before anyone says it in the comments, I know I need to see a therapist too. I have a referral for a psychiatrist, and plan on calling them soon.

To all who have read this far, thank you. I needed to get all that off my chest.


TL;DR: Met someone new that I would like to pursue as a partner. He is very monogamous. Has me currently questioning my personal feelings with poly. Had some revelations that may wind up costing me my current relationships. Help please.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Stefanie,

It sounds like you have reached a crucial crossroads in your life. You are not sure which road to take. I think maybe you have outgrown your two current partners, and are even thinking monogamy (possibly with the Arcade Guy) is a better fit for you. There is nothing wrong with monogamy, and you have a right to change what you want in life as the years go by. So I don't know, you could pose your ultimatums to your husband and partner, but let's say they do it your way and you get what you asked them for. Would that fully satisfy you? or would you still long for living with someone, sharing a bed, a stable home, a family of your own ... in short, all the things that a monogamous marriage offers? You have to figure out whether giving your ultimatums could even be worth it. I hope various people on this thread can help you decide.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Sounds like you're already there and just laying out the approach in doing what is best for you.

Arcade Guy aside, you would probably still want all those things and you're probably not getting it with the current partners you are with as you would be compromising yourself. Take your time, there is no rush. If it's not with Arcade Guy, it could be with totally someone else who is fine with all those things and opening up again in the future to do polyamory. Who knows.
But at least you will be doing what you truly want instead of people pleasing.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi all,

I'm so torn right now, and would like some outside perspective on things. I know I just posted about my polycule, but something has come up recently that has sent me reeling, and I need advice.

To recap for those who haven't seen your intro thread, you've been with husband 13 years, partner for 3 years. Your partner is not M or F, but BG. I am not sure what gender that is.

I hadn't even thought of taking another partner until I met someone at the arcade I frequent for DDR. He ticked all my boxes for what I want in a partner/relationship, and we clicked really well (so obviously a crush developed). I never had a good chance to tell him about my relationship, and I wanted to get a solid feel on what our connection was to bring it up.

Why do you want a third partner? Do you have time for 3 partners and kids besides? Or is your real goal to have one husband and a house and kids? You're 34. There's some time yet to achieve that goal.

We were hanging out at his place on last weekend, first time outside of the arcade. Things were great and the energy was good. Then, he kissed me. Omg it was....he was so sweet. To be honest, with him, I don't think I've felt a connection like this before, even with my other partners.

You barely know him and you feel more connected to him than to the other folks you've been with for much longer? Or is it NRE?

Obviously, I had to tell him about my poly relationship before anything went further. I asked him if he'd be comfortable with that, and he said no.

... he isn't comfortable with poly. He brought up some points that I identified with a little TOO well,

Like?

and that has me questioning so many things.

One good thing before I go into everything else though-- all this has made me feel a sense of confidence and self-love that I've been trying to get for years now. I know who I am, what I'm worth, and what I want out of life.

You've probably heard that self-confidence and self-love have to come from within. Self-knowledge, self-worth, personal goals, they are inside jobs. If you got all this from one date with a new person, I'd question the reality of that. You might just be feeling NRE hormones. Those rose-colored glasses making everything pretty.

Now to the bad....I know what I want out of life: a safe home to live in (where I don't have to constantly walk on eggshells), a family of my own, and someone who will give me a sense of stability. I'm starting to realize that my partners may not be able to fully give me these things.

My husband has anger issues and some past trauma.

That doesn't sound pleasant. Do you also have childhood trauma that bonds you to him? 13 years is a very long time to be dealing with that and neither of you getting help. You have a lack of stability, you're a people pleaser, and you're living in fear (?) of hub's outbursts.

It's probably a good thing ya'll haven't had kids. I can see why he's changed his mind on that.

he is all but refusing to go see a therapist/psychiatrist. And about kids, he was fine with us having them at the start of our relationship, but now he's told me he doesn't want any. He's also admitted to me that he has jealousy issues when it comes to potential new partners. He doesn't experience these issues with my current partner, as he had an established friendship with him before I started dating him.

So you both struggle with jealousy. That's not uncommon in polyamory. Wasn't hubs jealous/fearful when you first met partner?

A little anxiety can be felt when a partner is dating around and meeting multiple new people. I am in that boat with Aries. But I am not jealous of them, or fearful of losing Aries. I know he's very in love with me and committed to me. I am more concerned with sexual health and scheduling.

My partner, while he is the most gentle, least prone to anger person I've met (and also wants kids), has said he can't live with someone or share a bed with them long term (like he and I can sleep together in the same bed for a couple of days at a time, but not on a more permanent basis), and marriage isn't on his horizon (which is okay with me, but I do like the stability that marriage can provide).

How would raising his kids happen if their mother and the kids weren't with him all or most of the time, especially during the newborn/infant phase? Also, I doubt your current hubs would want you raising your partner's kids at husband's house.

Also, I'm starting to think I have jealousy issues. Whenever I think of my partner being with his other partner (or a fwb), or of my husband finding another partner, I get this twisty feeling in the pit of my stomach and I start feeling worried that they'll leave me for the other person.

Where's your self-worth in that case? Do you not feel valuable to partner?

I know I definitely need to talk with both of them about this, but I don't know how. On the whole, they're both amazingly wonderful people who are my constant hype team and I love them both. But I'm also starting to realize what I want out of a relationship.

Basically, I'd be giving my husband an ultimatum: find and start seeing a therapist within X months or we're done (we've been a couple for 13 years and he has not ONCE sought help for his issues). And to my partner, I'd be letting him know of my jealously issues and asking to find a way to work through them.

I'm so scared of this though. This is what would happen if things go as I anticipate:

- My husband: would get super angry at first, make an effort for a few days, but ultimately give up and not do anything about it.

- My partner: We'd have a heart to heart but if my anxiety does indeed turn out to be jealousy, we'd probably break up.

However...

Best case scenario: Husband gets his much needed therapy and partner and I find a way to manage my issues.

Worst case scenario: I wind up a 34yo divorcee, totally single, and would have to start my life over.

Old me would people please her way into the ground and bottle these emotions up forever to not lose these relationships. New me wants to do what is best for ME, even if it costs me relationships.

So the Arcade Guy was so special he's got you thinking about a totally fresh start? Honestly, if kids are your main goal, you could quit even trying to be poly yourself or dating polyamorously. Raising kids is very time-consuming, emotionally taxing, and the lack of sleep can kill any desire for dating and/or sex. You just want to meet the kids's needs, then your own very basic needs (food, water, going to the bathroom, showering if you're lucky, sleep as you can grab it).

I will admit, while I do still want to pursue Arcade Guy and try to date him, that's not why I'd be doing what I'm doing. I'd be doing this for me and me alone. If he decides to give me another shot, that'll just be a bonus (but it will also mean me not being in another poly relationship ever again - he's very, very monogamous).

Well, if you stay with him.

And, before anyone says it in the comments, I know I need to see a therapist too. I have a referral for a psychiatrist, and plan on calling them soon.

To all who have read this far, thank you. I needed to get all that off my chest.


TL;DR: Met someone new that I would like to pursue as a partner. He is very monogamous. Has me currently questioning my personal feelings with poly. Had some revelations that may wind up costing me my current relationships. Help please.

It's a lot. 3 men and you want kids. Your current partners do not seem to be on the same page with you, and Arcade Guy is too new and may not want kids at all, and you shouldn't try having kids until you've had a good chunk of therapy (and meds if necessary) anyway.

That's about all I can think of off the top of my head. I don't know if that helps at all.

Here is a great list of resources for polyamory, articles on specific topics, comprehensive books, and a podcast.

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/