Dadt?

1

1234567

Member
So, I’ve always done open poly, and the results have been mixed. To the point to went mono for a bit.

Recently, I restarted dating someone who is solidly non-monogamous,’and it is making me very happy.

I also have a fairly recent brain injury, which makes thinking harder, including emotional processing. In general, I just don’t much, because it makes my symptoms flare. I set good boundaries instead, and don’t dwell on things— partly because I don’t remember them!

My boyfriend told me about a date he was asked on. I was solidly excited and happy for him— but somehow, it also set of a trauma reaction.

I can trace back why and what. I MAY be able to work though it. But I suspect it’a more than I can handle right now because it’s multi-faceted.

This made me really sad because as much as I really love being with my boyfriend— I can’t keep retraumatizing myself and recover. And I DON’T want to get in his way dating— it’s good for him. And by extension good for me.

And then I thought it through.

If he doesn’t, out of consideration for my healing brain, tell me what is going on, and wait for me to ask— which I will when I can handle the processing— PLUS, he doesn’t pull away from me to date others— which is also a trigger- it might work.

I tried to talk it over with him tonight, but we had technology problems.

Is there any downside to this I’m not seeing?

My boundary would be “make the choices that are good for you, and I will do the same, and I will ask you about your other love life as I can handle it”

It’s not I don’t want to hear; it’s not I’m not compersive, or that I’m jealous; it’s not even that I don’t want to know; I just need a processing break so I can focus on getting through the day and healing and restarting working.

Thoughts?
 
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If you are healing? And need a break from processing and prefer he not tell you stuff until you ask for it and are actually ready to digest it?

Go ahead. Try that out.

You cannot be the never ending fountain, always available at all times for all things. Sometimes you just need a REST.

That isn't being mean to him. That is taking care of YOU.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
I still think that might be easier. I lost a whole reply I wrote, but the long and the short of it is — I think I’m comfortable with two models of relationship. Monogamy, and something approaching relationship anarchy.

It’s always made me more comfortable with someone else’s partner to have less rules, less “need” for permission, less influence, more independence, and not any kind of obligatory “keeping informed”.

“Keeping infomed” somehow feels like the assumption is that their existence is a threat to be dealt with. I’d rather spend the time and effort building up US, than protecting against an imaginary threat.

If our joint partner feels we should meet, because we would enjoy each other, all well and good, and we might find another friendship/partnership. Or just enjoy getting to give the partner the experience of getting to be with two of us at once. If not, all well and good, too.

I think my partner would LIKE me to be able to bless or approve specific steps. And I’m a little sad I can’t for his sake, because it’s too much emotional labor, and I’m short on the brainpower to do so. But I can bless, so to speak, the whole lifestyle. Less emotional labor on my part— and more effective reassurance.

I appreciate what he is doing, a lot. He is trying to make sure I’m not blindsided. I might feel more blindsided by the need to process, though, than the need to accept. It feels like deliberately talking about stuff that might make me jealous to make sure I’m “aware” is more intrusive than just authentically living us together, and if something comes up, it comes up.

I might ask for that change.
 
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It feels like deliberately talking about stuff that might make me jealous to make sure I’m “aware” is more intrusive than just authentically living us together, and if something comes up, it comes up.
Click to expand...

Maybe you need to spell it out to him -- what is "newsworthy" to you during your recovery time and what is not? :confused:

Like them becoming lovers in general might be news -- because then you may want to know that he's using safer sex practices.

Them breaking up might be news -- because then you know why he's all sad all of a sudden.

But every little play-by-play because he wants you to feel included or "aware" somehow? Could tell him you don't need to hear it at this time. His want to tell does not supersede your need to have some quiet time so you can heal from your brain injury.

Do what YOU need for your self care at this time. Could tell him you feel included enough at this stage of the journey and prefer to leave it be for now at the level of communication it is at. You NEED some space and quiet from processing all the time because of your injury.

It isn't like you cannot renegotiate terms later on when you are more well or if a DADT-ish agreement doesn't pan out or no longer serves.

Galagirl
 
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I feel there is a qualitative difference between DADT and avoiding TMI/processing.

Dude has what we have coined as "Festival Girlfriends" - depending on the degree of involvement, I may or may not even know their names. Unless they are important enough to impact my life in some significant way (like, he is on the phone a lot, or they are coming to visit, or he is going to visit them), then they are like any of his other bajillion friends that I haven't met and don't remember their names. These aren't my relationships (or friends) so I don't feel any need to invest energy in even thinking about them. BUT, that doesn't mean that he has to actively "hide" the fact that they exist! Or that, if I am curious, I can't ask: "So what ever happened with so-and-so?"

(A caveat for new-comers: we didn't hit this "sweet-spot" right away, it takes time to build trust and measure your own responses - my Journey blog has several entries from the time when Dude first started dating...the fact that he/we did surprisingly well helped to get us to where we are today! Trust and dependability breeds security and confidence.)
 
Hi 1234567,

With your recent brain injury, you may find that a certain kind of DADT arrangement may be useful for you. That is, you may know that your boyfriend is dating someone, but you may wait to ask for the details until you've had some time to process and heal. If you don't ask, then he can know that that means you aren't ready to hear the details yet, perhaps because you are dealing with a set of trauma reaction.

Sit down and talk with him about what would be your needs at this time.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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