Dating safety

I also don't have my face in any pics on dating sites. It does reduce the dating pool, but I don't care. I prefer my privacy. Ditto on providing the info to my partner and not exchanging addresses or last names. I've done it both ways...share my phone number for texting prior and not share my number. I think I prefer the latter and have been doing that more recently.

When I meet up, I usually choose a coffee house or something similar for first meet-ups. I steer clear of bars or clubs for first meet-ups because they're dark and noisy and drinking alcohol tends to lower inhibitions...which is not something I want to do on a first meetup.
 
I have face pics on my dating site profiles. Might not be particularly wise of me, but they're there anyway. (And are probably a large factor in why I almost never get any contact from anyone on those sites...)

As far as meeting people, it depends. If I get a good feeling about someone, I'll meet them fairly quickly. I think Woody and I had about a 10-minute messaging conversation on OKC before we decided to meet, though a few days went by before we were actually able to get together, so there was time for either of us to change our minds. My ex-boyfriend S2 and I messaged back and forth on AdultFriendFinder for 2-3 weeks before I finally agreed to meet him, and even then I didn't expect it to go anywhere, I just figured I'd been putting him off long enough.

Depending on what dating site you belong to, sometimes there are local groups that put on "meet and greet" events, usually a get-together at a bar or dance club, to provide a PG-rated, low pressure way to meet others without having quite as many safety concerns as would be present for a one-on-one meeting. I met both Hubby and my other ex-boyfriend Guy at meet and greets held by my geographic area's chat room group on AdultFriendFinder, as well as, at other times, having met FWBs or one-time hookups who became platonic friends at those events.

If you're going for a one-on-one meeting, meet in public the first time. Always. It's far safer that way, in my opinion. (S2 and I met up outside the New England Aquarium and spent a few hours walking around Boston, though after those few hours I ended up going home with him for a few more hours; Woody and I met up for ice cream--a joke because of something I say on my OKC profile--and then sat in a park for a few hours chatting.) That'll give you the protection of having other people around, and the chance to get a sense of the person you're meeting with less pressure than if you were alone with them.

I think it's also a good idea to let someone else--your husband, for example--know exactly where you're going and who you're meeting, and if the meet-up goes longer than anticipated, as was my case with both S2 and Woody, check in with the person to let them know you're okay--which also shows the person you're meeting that someone knows you're with them, which sometimes adds another layer of safety.
 
I know some very good safety rules, but I've broken them before...I am lucky, though. Nothing bad happened.

As per the usual, being self-aware is the key to things. If you are flying by the seat of your pants, especially when you are newly out in the dating world, you can too easily disregard your own common sense and go with something that seems fun and put yourself in potential danger.

Now that I've been in the BDSM community a while, I have learned a TON about terms for things and common risky behaviors, how to mitigate them, etc.

There is a thing called "sub frenzy" but it can also be applied to pretty much anyone, it is someone who wants so badly, is filled up with longing, that they disregard common sense even if they know better and are at risk for making poor choices. If you read InTheDark's thread I think called "Lack of Attention" or something, his wife had a dose of that going on. She ignored a bazillion red flags and engaged in some foolishness, there.

So first, keep the dang reins on yourself!! If your gut gives you a warning, don't talk yourself out of it and rationalize doing something risky. Odds are, even if nothing terrible happens, it won't go well anyways.

Then there is the practical stuff. Take your time. Meet in public. It might help to find some kind of a community of people who share any interest of yours, you get in socially with them and not only is it possible to meet someone in real life (instead of just online first) but even if you DO meet someone online, you can say, "Hey, I see you're also interested in <literature, geocaching, the paranormal, rock collecting, WHATEVER THING> and I'm part of a club/group/meetup that gets together to discuss this thing. Why don't you come out to our next <event> and we can meet, and then maybe go for coffee?" Being around people you already know and are comfortable with, and encouraging a new person to meet with you in your social comfort zone can be helpful.

Always always meet in public, not just the first time, but the first few times.

The first time that you plan to be alone with that new person, you should have a safe call in place. This is someone you trust, whom you have told that you will call at a specified time, to let them know everything is cool. Might be at 8pm that night, might be the next morning. Even if they're not local, they can still call police if you go missing. Text them the address and info beforehand.

I broke all of these rules once. I was talking to a guy online for weeks, over a month if memory serves. I met him for dinner at a restaurant. We went for a walk around the downtown block after dinner, and he put some rather aggressive physical moves on me and invited me back to his place. I wasn't actually THAT into him until he touched me...but he woke up my inner masochist and I was all about it. Well, the sex with that guy was mind blowing. But...within two weeks, just enough time for me to be blazing with NRE and falling arse over teakettle for him, he started to ghost on me. I got upset, I clung, I tried to engage him in conversations, he got upset, the whole thing blew up in my face. I was depressed as hell for a couple weeks, like didn't want to get out of bed, curled up around my phone, hoping he'd call... I'm a grown ass woman, a professional accounting nerd, a mother of two, and there I was acting like a teenage girl.

Disregarding the fact that this dude could have KILLED me... Still, it went badly. Lesson learned? Protect your emotions by waiting to get intimate. I didn't want to hear it, because I'm no pearl clutching prude and don't want to beat around the bush when I want a fella...but the fact is, neither of us knew the other. If it's "too soon" for me to fall in love, it's also "too soon" for sex. Waiting to hop in bed, until you've at least got a solid friendship and you KNOW each other, isn't so that you won't be thought of as "easy" it's so that there can be some trust.

So.

1. Meet in public.
2. Safe calls.
3. Take your freaking time, even if you're all a-flutter.

Good luck!
 
All excellent advice!! Thank you everyone :)

Although I'm still feeling so-so, I'm taking my question as a positive sign that I will one day (hopefully soon) be ready and able to move on with my life.
 
This is not safety advice as such, but something I've found about relating with people offline vs online is that sometimes online compatibility doesn't mean offline compatibility, and the transition can be jarring or disappointing. So generally if I click with someone online, I would try to meet them offline fairly soon to see if we connect in person. Not always - depends if practical and 'feels right'. And of course it might not work this way for you at all :)

Trust your intuition, pace yourself and have fun!
 
Meeting in a public place was my first thought. Next would be trust your instincts: If you're feeling uncomfortable with the situation, there's probably a good reason.
 
I leave my log in and password with a friend ( online dating ) and the user name of the person. Yes it can all be faked but you do your best.
I text a friend the phone number and name, last name is possible, the meeting place and time. I text my friend when I am leaving the meeting. I don't let people walk me back to my car unless it is parked in a busy spot. I don't usually let them see my car if I can help it. I refused to let one guy walk me to my car and he had a hissy fit.
 
Last edited:
Wow, I would have never thought of not letting dates see my car. I've had several amazing kisses after having been walked to my car! Ahh....memories....
 
504

It's a thing I was taught at work and carried it over into my private life. I have experienced co-workers tales of being stalked or followed via their car being identified. The worst one was someone's home set on fire ( they were home at the time ). The arsonist said they recognized the car outside and just went for it.
It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you ;)
 
Wow, some of these precautionary measures (so far) seem quite extreme to me. I do agree that some precautionary measures are appropriate and intelligent, but ... just wow. I've always met people in the usual ways, such as at cafes, coffee shops.... Why exactly I should subject those "met" via the internet to extraordinary measures of safety-seeking, I don't know. Life inevitably involves risk. And we all have to navigate that in our own ways and all, but a long and elaborate list of precautions seems to me to more than border on paranoia.

I meet new folks in public, don't bring complete strangers into my home, stuff like that. Reasonable stuff. Generally. I don't send some special friend all of the contact info I've got on the person, nor do I hire a private investigator or run a background check. I guess I'm just old fashioned this way.

__________________


A former friend turned out to be a nutty sociopathic narcissist, or something very nearly that at least. He SEEMED so kind and sweet, too! Perhaps I should have had an elaborate procedure of interviews with those he claimed to be longtime friends or something? Sheesh.
 
Last edited:
Nadya said:
It is very wise to tell someone details about your date and have some sort of check-in happen with someone during the date. That person does not need to be your partner, it can be someone else that you trust. My back-up person was mostly one of my close friends.
Click to expand...

Gosh, really? And what happens if your cell phone battery runs low, or accidentally gets lost ... or the local cell tower has fits? Should the police be called? Or does your friend need, then, to try and track you down?

What is feared here? Kidnapping?

If I'm in a date gone wrong I just walk out and that's the end of it. So only a kidnapping or murder would come to mind as reason for setting up a special phone check in.

Maybe we're all watching too many violent movies and tv shows populated with psychopaths?
 
I have a few tips.

Of course, when scheduling a date, always make it in a public place.

Always meet them at the agreed-upon meeting-place and get there using your own means of transportation. DO NOT let a stranger (even if you've been texting or emailing for weeks and feel like you know them) know where you live or work, nor pick you up in a car. Don't meet in a very quiet, desolate area. Go where there are lots of people around. Let someone know where you will be and when. Make sure your cell phone is charged before you go.
I live in NYC and I prefer to meet somewhere in my neighborhood so it's just easier and quicker to get home, but I am always vague about which street I live on. If asked, I say "Oh, I live a few blocks away" or something like that, even when we're just around the corner from my apartment.

If I'm meeting someone in a neighborhood other than my own, I just make sure it's somewhere easy to get a cab, or where there are plenty of restaurants and/or doorman buildings around in case I need to "escape" somewhere to feel safe.​

Make coffee dates only. If you want to meet for cocktails, limit yourself to no more than one or two drinks. Don't let yourself get drunk on a new first date.

I've never done this, but I have been told that some women have a friend or two also present in the venue where you're meeting someone, so they can keep an eye on things.

Don't meet the first time for a meal - that takes too long. Better to just make it for coffee or tea and maybe a light bite like a pastry or something. Think of it as a quick appointment to meet someone, not a romantic liaison. Don't schedule more than an hour or hour and a half, tops.

If it lasts longer because you're hitting it off and you feel comfortable, that's cool, but it sucks if you go out to dinner with someone and you're getting a weirdo vibe from them and feel uneasy (or if you're not not hitting it off). Making dinner plans is never a good idea for a first date - especially if you are hungry and really want to eat - because if it isn't working, it'll feel like torture just to get through it. You don't want to feel stuck there with someone for the length of a meal if that's what's happening.

If they want to walk you to my door or to your car, tell them that's not necessary. If someone gets insistent and you feel pressured or uneasy, go where there are witnesses. I will stop on a brightly lit corner and adamantly tell them no, or I'll stop in front of a building with a doorman to say goodnight (so the guy has a sense of being watched) and then make sure they leave before I walk to where I actual live.

Sometimes there is chemistry on a date, but if there is any making out, I still try not to do it in front of my building.

Know that, if things aren't going well, or you're disappointed, or you're seeing red flags all over the place, you are not obligated to stay. Give yourself permission to get up and leave. You can opt to leave at any time, even if he's ordered dinner. Life is too short to sit at a table wishing you were somewhere else or wondering how to escape.
I used to think I had to stay "until the date was over," not realizing I can say it's over whenever I want! Of course, there is no reason to do it rudely or abruptly. One can still be polite and simply say, "I'm going to go home now. It was nice to meet you, but I don't see potential here (or "I don't think we're a match."). Have a good night." Of course, if you feel you are in danger, you need not explain - just go. From now on, I will never make myself endure another bad date for an entire evening when it's so simple just to leave.​

If I don't want to see someone again, sometimes I will email the guy afterwards with a message like, "Thank you for coffee. I enjoyed our conversation but I wish you the best." I usually do that asap to nip any hope in the bud. Sometimes my intuition tells me not to even bother, and usually that turns out that they don't contact me again either, so we were on the same page. If I do want to see them again, I email them to thank them for their company and, hopefully, I manage to say something witty and enticing, but without sounding too hopeful.
 
Last edited:
River said:
Gosh, really? And what happens if your cell phone battery runs low, or accidentally gets lost ... or the local cell tower has fits? Should the police be called? Or does your friend need, then, to try and track you down?

What is feared here? Kidnapping?

If I'm in a date gone wrong I just walk out and that's the end of it. So only a kidnapping or murder would come to mind as reason for setting up a special phone check in.

Maybe we're all watching too many violent movies and tv shows populated with psychopaths?
Click to expand...

Jeez, River - obviously this is a thread about SAFETY (did you see the title?) -- something that I, like most women, have to think about all the freaking time! It's sad that we need to think of these things but too many out there believe they are entitled to take liberties on a date without an invitation. And online dating is riskier, in general because you don't even know if the person is who they say they are, or if their pictures are actually of them.

We're laying out all possible protocols so the OP can see some perspectives she may not have considered and make informed choices about meeting people she doesn't know. We make these suggestions because we don't want to be raped, stalked, or killed. Personal safety should never be taken lightly.

No need to mock us. In many cases, we are sharing these tips because we've had negative and/or scary experiences (or worse) with dating, and especially online dating -- where people aren't always representing themselves honestly. Seriously, it is exasperating that you even asked us that in such a glib manner, and are poking fun as if we're imagining bad things that could never, ever happen. If you don't think this thread is useful, then obviously it's not for you.
 
Last edited:
nycindie said:
We make these suggestions because we don't want to be raped, stalked, or killed. Personal safety should never be taken lightly.

No need to mock us. In many cases, we are sharing these tips because we've had negative and/or scary experiences (or worse) with dating, and especially online dating -- where people aren't always representing themselves honestly. Seriously, it is exasperating that you even asked us that in such a glib manner, and are poking fun as if we're imagining bad things that could never, ever happen. If you don't think this thread is useful, then obviously it's not for you.
Click to expand...

Honestly, I never meant to be mocking or "poking fun". It's just that I was feeling a strange contradiction between the intent of meeting new people (another word for "stranger") and some of the more extreme precautions mentioned. Some of the ore extreme precautions mentioned were only a little short of going to meet their date with several undercover bodyguards around at all times. Or so it seemed to me.

I did take a moment to reflect empathetically -- as best I can -- about the gender issue here, and realized that my response was in part as a consequence of my being a man and not a woman. I like to think I'm generally or basically sensitive to these gender difference issues, but your response, Nycindie, did cause me to step back and empathize yet more deeply with the woman's perspective on safety. It's not that I'm dense or dumb about it. The whole topic is most complex, since any man can also be victimized in numerous ways (and perhaps even more so those among the ..GBT [Leaving out the L here] men.

Speaking of gender, woman may sometimes perhaps not realize that we men are probably about, perhaps, just as much vulnerable to various forms of violence and abuse as women are -- though differently. Violent (etc) abusers (which includes rapists) victimize men quite very often, after all. Crazy is crazy, after all.

I had an experience a while back which scared the sh*t out of me -- with a man -- and I'm not a woman. And what I feared for some moments was not rape but just plain crazy and the possibility of violence. Since then I'm likely to seek to get to know any new person fairly well before entering a private space with them. But that can get really weird, too. I could certainly be over-cautious, and I guess I'll have to admit that it's not quite clear what constitutes "over-cautious" for a man or a woman in such situations.

What I found a bit over-cautious were suggestions or comments here in which even meeting in a public space like a coffee shop was deemed potentially problematic or risky -- but this is so because most of us go to coffee shops and cafes (even on our own) as a normal daily or weekly activity. So I wondered why the situation being a "date" should be treated with a special extra layer of precaution.

Admittedly, I'm not a woman and don't fully comprehend what a woman's experience may be. (This is NOT a snarky comment! I'm being sincere.)
 
Last edited:
I'm enjoying the various suggestions and observations shared here so thank you to everyone.

River, it is vastly different for a woman sadly. We are pretty much taught from birth that every action and clothing choice can add to or detract from our personal safety on a family basis. Add that to the fact that I live in a country where violence against women is higher than just about anywhere else in the world, and I am truly grateful for all these suggestions.

I like to think I'm a reasonable person with the ability to think carefully, but this is all so new to me and I certainly do not want to have experiences where I regret the decisions I'm making now. Add to that the nervousness and or excitement I'm likely to experience the first few times out meeting someone, and I'm fully intending to utilise several of these suggestions.

Thank you for your perspective too, I don't want to drive myself crazy with worry either.
 
I have a special email address that does not have any resemblance to my real name. I prefer to chat on the dating site, but if that is not feasible for any reason, I take it to this other email address. I never EVER give my 'real' email address (which has my name in it) or phone number or my real name to someone I haven't met.
I have a very unusual name and googling it (even just my first name) will give you tons on info about me (including address). Not only is this a safety convern, it is also a question of leverage - I don't like that a potential date can find out so much about my life while I know nothing about his.

Usually I give my real name on the date, but I've been on dates where I haven't... when I didn't have a good feeling and/or knew there would never be a second date.

When going on a date I always let someone know where I am going (and often I have shown my husband the okc profile of the person).

The name thing is my biggest safety issue. I wouldn't worry about it so much if my name was Mary or Jane... but in my case, it's just too big a risk.
 
I am a woman, and I am not afraid of stalking or violence from potential dates very much. Nobody has broken my trust yet, though I admit I got just like 3 dates with people met online.

I follow only rules that seem "common sense" to me.

I do have the first meeting in public. I am shy with dating anyway, so no need to rush into touching.
I am at a bdsm-specialised dating forum, so don't have my photos, name, or phone, up there. I don't mind giving either, if someone is respectful and interesting though.
If I was to play with someone new, I would consider getting references and/or playing in public first, not because I expect the person to willingly rape me, but still, not every "dom" is really careful with safety.

I have been told I should pass on name and address and arrange safety calls, if I meet someone in private, but I am not sure I would do that. Probably only if I decided to have sex with someone on the second date or something like that. I tend rather tend to get into relationships with people who have been friends/acquaintances for some time, and I would not arrange a safety call for visiting a friend, so what.
After all, if I don't trust a person, I don't go home with them, and if I do, and they turn out not to be what they pretend... can a safety call really save me?

This might be "irresponsible" (I am not really careful with going alone nights etc. either), but at least I don't restrict myself constantly. The only sexual harassment I experienced so far happened daytime, in my own quiet and generally safe street (a man masturbating through his pocket who approached me with "compliments"), or in public transport, and this I can't avoid with any reasonable precautions anyway.
 
Last edited:
Get a Google Voice number and give that to dates instead of your 'real' phone number. I have one and it works great. I find it helpful to give out a phone number because if stuff comes up, they can reach me, plus we can text back and forth.

Consider avoiding using the same, or similar, username across different social media platforms. For example, use BrianneGoddess just here. Use something else for OKC, something else again for Fetlife, Tumblr, personal blogs, Facebook, etc. If you use the same username elsewhere it's really easy to find 'you' searching for that name on a social media site. This isn't an absolute - if you are comfortable with people finding you across social media sites, then that's fine. But I personally find it helpful to have separation between let's say here, my Fetlife account and my OKC account. (I don't use Facebook anymore but when I did, I had a family/work account and a friends/kink/poly account.)

The most important tip I have is to trust your instincts. (Unless you have bad instincts. Some people do for various reasons. If someone has bad instincts, I really urge them to work on uncovering why and addressing it. It's really unsafe to be someone with bad instincts as people who want to abuse others will sense this and use it against them.) If your gut (or other body part) is telling you to leave, do it and figure out why later. Don't worry about their feelings.

The best book I know about instincts and why it's so important to listen to them is Gavin de Becker's 'The Gift of Fear'. It's widely available in libraries, on Amazon, in bookstores, electronically, etc. I urge you to read it as soon as you can (it's written plainly and is not technical). In fact, I urge everyone I know (and people I don't know) to read it - this book is that important.
 
Opalescent - I will look into Google number thank you!

And that book sounds so familiar, I will check if I have it or have read it. I read a few books on trusting instincts and allowing children to do so too years ago...

I believe that I have good instincts most of the time, but I do worry that my newness to this part of my life may leave me openly vulnerable.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top