Dating solo for the first time

N

NightShadow

New member
Hello everyone,

My wife and I have been open to the polyamory lifestyle for a while and had a third in our relationship for the last couple of years. We have since decided to open up our relationship further, now allowing me to pursue other women for a kitchen-table type relationship. We’re still very new to this so I’d love to get some advice from you all.

I started using a couple dating apps with very little success so far, but will continue to give that a shot. Open to any recommendations to any good apps or websites to check out. Currently on Feeld and OK Cupid.

The main advice I would like though, is about how do I approach this woman that I really like? My wife and I have discussed her and I have been given the green light to talk to her. I’ve already had a quick conversation where I felt there was some chemistry, and would love to try to find out if there is more there. I didn’t bother to get her number since I do tend to see her at a place that my wife works at occasionally. My question is how do I approach this woman and ask her out? How do I tell her about my open relationship and not freak her out?
 
I'd strike up a conversation with her, see if you have anything in common and find a way to mention your wife, and, separately, your partner. "My wife is totally into Marvel as well, but my partner doesn't see the big deal." See how she reacts to that information. Chances are, you'll know right then if there is any possibility.

That is my input about your question. But I'd like to tell you what I see, as a poly woman. You are very new to poly. Maybe you have had this "person added to your relationship" for a long time, but you haven't learned enough about poly to know you don't "add a third" to your existing relationship.

I suggest you spend some time learning more about polyamory and how to ensure ALL of your partners feel important and have autonomy in their relationships. Nobody wants to be a side dish that fills up your plate. Maybe you don't mean it that way, but that's because you don't know what you don't know. Most poly women would probably not date you because of these little things that say so much.

Learn how to be a good poly partner to ALL of your partners. Hinging skills are a must.
 
Bobbi said:
I'd strike up a conversation with her, see if you have anything in common and find a way to mention your wife and separately your partner. "My wife is totally into Marvel as well, but my partner doesn't see the big deal." See how she reacts to that information. Chances are, you'll know right then if there is any possibility.

That is my input about your question. But I'd like to tell you what I see, as a poly woman. You are very new to poly. Naybe you have had this "person added to your relationship" for a long time, but you haven't learned enough about poly to know you don't "add a third" to your existing relationship.

I suggest you spend some time learning more about polyamory and how to ensure ALL of your partners feel important and have autonomy in their relationships. Nobody wants to be a side dish that fills up your plate. Maybe you don't mean it that way, but that's because you don't know what you don't know. Most poly women would probably not date you because of these little things that say so much.

Learn how to be a good poly partner to ALL of your partners. Hinging skills are a must.
Click to expand...
I appreciate your replying. However, let’s not get caught up on the specific words that I’m using, more so the question that I am asking. I do understand that each person will have different needs and desires and each relationship has its own unique dynamic. I’m certainly not trying to find a side dish, as you said, but instead build a genuine relationship with another person separate to the relationship I have with my wife. I’m still learning how to approach these relationships, but by no means am I saying I’m an expert. Any specific constructive advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again.
 
NightShadow said:
I appreciate your replying. However, let’s not get caught up on the specific words that I’m using, more so the question that I am asking. I do understand that each person will have different needs and desires and each relationship has its own unique dynamic. I’m certainly not trying to find a side dish, as you said, but instead build a genuine relationship with another person separate to the relationship I have with my wife. I’m still learning how to approach these relationships, but by no means am I saying I’m an expert. Any specific constructive advice?
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Are you a man? Are you and your wife currently both dating the same woman in a closed (poly-fidelitous) triad, but just now you want to open further and start dating a third woman (besides your wife and the shared gf)?

I see you have a couple of specific questions:

You want to know which dating sites are best. Nowadays Feeld is the most popular for non-monogamous people.
You want to approach a person you are acquainted with, but you don't know how to tell her you are already in relationships with two other women.

Has she shown an interest in you? Do you sense a spark? Have you had any conversations with her? Could you just ask her to go have a coffee and get to know each other better?

Will your wife and the current gf also be dating others now too, both men and women, as they may wish?
 
Magdlyn said:
Are you a man? Are you and your wife currently both dating the same woman in a closed (poly fidelitous) triad, but just now you want to open further and start dating a third woman (besides your wife and the shared gf)?

I see you have a couple of specific questions:

You want to know which dating sites are best. Nowadays Feeld is the most popular for non-monogamous people.
You want to approach a person you are acquainted with, but you don't know how to tell her you are already in relationships with two other women.

Has she shown an interest in you? Do you sense a spark? Have you had any conversations with her? Could you just ask her to go have a coffee and get to know each other better?

Will your wife and the current gf also be dating others now too, both men and women as they may wish?
Click to expand...
Thank you for all the great questions.

Yes, I am a man. My wife and I had dated the same woman. It is not a closed relationship, since she is with another partner, as well. My wife and I discussed dating separately and decided that it would be something we would like to do, as well. My wife agreed that she would like to date other women, as well.

Yeah, that’s exactly it. I want to approach this woman that I know, but I am wondering how to approach and bring this up. She knows my wife, as they have worked around each other recently, which is how I met her.

I could easily be looking too far into it, but I thought I sensed her showing some interest in me. We had a great conversation recently, and I did feel a spark. The conversation was brief, as it happened in loud environment, but enjoyable, as we both found something in common. I held off asking for her number or anything from there, thinking that I’d most likely connect with her through social media. My plan was to ask her out for coffee the next time I saw her.
 
Hi NightShadow,

I would suggest you start by telling her that you have an open relationship. Just tell her that at first, don't proposition her yet. Give her time to think about whether she can support you, just as your friend, in having your open relationship. If she can support you as a friend, then you know if romantic feelings do arise with her, that she won't be freaked out by you having an open relationship. I hope that makes sense.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi NightShadow,

I would suggest you start by telling her that you have an open relationship. Just tell her that at first, don't proposition her yet. Give her time to think about whether she can support you, just as your friend, in having your open relationship. If she can support you as a friend, then you know if romantic feelings do arise with her, that she won't be freaked out by you having an open relationship. I hope that makes sense.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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It does make some sense. Are you suggesting that I just first tell her that I’m in an open relationship and then ask her out a different day? If so, I’m glad you mentioned that, because my intention was to do both the next time I saw her. Just for context, I just met her recently, so we only have a connection through my wife and her job.
 
Is your wife okay with *you* telling her work colleague that she and you are in an open relationship?
 
Evie said:
Is your wife okay with *you* telling her work colleague that she and you are in an open relationship?
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Good point, Evie. Since now we know the women aren't just working out at the gym, but are employees, this is a concern.

Some people have "messy lists," which means they have people they would prefer their partner not date, like, their relatives, best friends, coworkers, their children's teachers, and such. If you do date this woman, but it goes badly and there's a messy breakup, it could affect your wife's comfort and productivity at work.

So, it sounds like you and wife do date, or did date, the same woman, but you've both decided you now want to date independently. I think that is wise, myself. "Sharing" someone romantically or sexually can be very difficult.

www.readyforpolyamory.com

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...
www.readyforpolyamory.com www.readyforpolyamory.com

Is your wife definitely only interested in dating women? Is she on Feeld? It's likely she will get 1000% more interest from men than from women. What if some guy seems super cool and she wants to date him?
 
NightShadow said:
My wife and I discussed dating separately and decided that it would be something we would like to do as well. My wife agreed that she would like to date other women as well.
Click to expand...

Is your wife also able to date men or is she just interested in women only?
 
Evie said:
Is your wife okay with *you* telling her work colleague that she and you are in an open relationship?
Click to expand...
To be clear, they are gig workers that occasionally work together. They are both performers. To answer your question yes, we had a lengthy conversation about her and has now stated multiple times that she is good with it.
 
Magdlyn said:
Good point, Evie. Since now we know the women aren't just working out at the gym, but are employees, this is a concern.

Some people have "messy lists," which means they have people they would prefer their partner not date, like, their relatives, best friends, coworkers, their children's teachers, and such. If you do date this woman, but it goes badly and there's a messy breakup, it could affect your wife's comfort and productivity at work.

So, it sounds like you and wife do date, or did date, the same woman, but you've both decided you now want to date independently. I think that is wife, myself. "Sharing" someone romantically or sexually can be very difficult.

www.readyforpolyamory.com

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...
www.readyforpolyamory.com www.readyforpolyamory.com

Is you wife definitely only interested in dating women? Is she on Feeld? It's likely she will get 1000% more interest from men than from women. What if some guy seems super cool and she wants to date him?
Click to expand...
Yes, we discussed her list and this girl is not on it. She is a gig worker with her and they only see each other occasionally. They are both performers.

No, she is not on Feeld yet she is only interested in women. We’ve had multiple lengthy conversations and she has told me she is only interested in another woman.
 
NightShadow said:
Yes, we discussed her list and this girl is not on it. She is a gig worker with her and they only see each other occasionally. They are both performers.
Click to expand...
Oh, I misread upthread. I thought you said, a place my wife "works out at," meaning a gym. But it's a place your wife works at occasionally, and so does this new woman you're interested in, a loud environment, maybe a nightclub where they are dancers. I think I understand now.
NightShadow said:
No, she is not on Feeld yet. She is only interested in women. We’ve had multiple lengthy conversations and she has told me she is only interested in another woman.
Click to expand...
And she can also date other "gig workers" through her job. I'm sure she meets many gay or bi performers in her line of work.

So... yeah. In that kind of environment (if I now understand), performers probably get hit on a lot. But if wife puts in a good word for you, and you can get New Woman off into a quiet corner, maybe you could ask her to go get a coffee sometime, and then just let the conversation flow, and casually mention the open marriage along the way, if Wife hasn't already mentioned it to the coworker already.
 
Hi NightShadow,

Yes, I am suggesting that you just first tell her that you're in an open relationship, and then ask her out a different day. This way she doesn't feel like she's under pressure to date polyamorously. Just tell her you're in an open relationship at first, do it as a platonic friend. Give her some time to think about that, without having to commit to anything.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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