Dating Tips for a Trans Man?!

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Peacebone

New member
Sooooo I'm looking to go on some dates with other people, but I'm actually quite a shy guy and was wondering if anybody has tips?

A few notes:

  1. I'm a transgender man...
  2. ... Who is not on testosterone (I will be in a few months, but at present I get read as a masculine woman)...
  3. ... Who is interested in dating other men (at present, though my girlfriend is a cis woman and I love all genders)...
  4. ... Who lives in a relatively small Northern city with a small queer scene.

I'm not just looking for dates, but happy to find friends with benefits and/or a sub. I've thought about going to a Munch for the latter, but I'm not sure how trans friendly local munches are, but hope to check them out.

So I guess the main thing for me is that being transgender, a lot of people tend to view us as either curiousities, or fetishes (the latter seems to be mostly with trans women). A lot of guys won't consider dating trans men and I know some people have have gotten abuse on sites like Tinder or Grindr...

I'll be honest in that I think that one of my main barriers is in my mind. If there's one thing that being in a poly relationship has taught me, it's to communicate and say what I want...


BUT I just don't really know where to start with dating men. I kind of have my eye on a man who seems really lovely and gentle, but not sure if he'd be in to me (then again, my friend said try not to get hung up on the trans thing as men come in all shapes and sizes)...

The few previous dating experiences I've had, people have approached me, but now I want to do the approaching. I just don't know where to start... I'm a bit socially awkward/dyspraxic and whilst I don't think I'm conventionally unattractive, I'm not one of the cool crowd in my local queer scene.
 
I've got a transman friend who seems to get dates with gay and even "straight" guys. His choice is to meet someone at a party, or date, flirt, get invited for sex, and then reveal he's trans. From what he tells me, the men are generally at that point too worked up to care about what's actually in his pants.

He tells me transwomen get beaten up if the reveal comes too late, but he's never felt unsafe.

I would think seeking bi or pansexual men would be best. Are you on OK Cupid? If you're willing to travel I am sure you could find someone.

In my state (Mass) the kinksters that attend munches are often LGBT friendly. It kind of comes with the territory of alternativeness.
 
Magdlyn said:
I've got a transman friend who seems to get dates with gay and even "straight" guys. His choice is to meet someone at a party, or date, flirt, get invited for sex, and then reveal he's trans. From what he tells me, the men are generally at that point too worked up to care about what's actually in his pants.

He tells me transwomen get beaten up if the reveal comes too late, but he's never felt unsafe.

I would think seeking bi or pansexual men would be best. Are you on OK Cupid? If you're willing to travel I am sure you could find someone.

In my state (Mass) the kinksters that attend munches are often LGBT friendly. It kind of comes with the territory of alternativeness.
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Yeah, I have heard of violence against trans women :(

Maybe I should just go to parties/events and chat people up and invite them home for sex. However, you can get sent to prison in the UK if you engage in sexual contact without revealing you're trans in the UK. So yeah, I could tell them before, but even a bit of fondling without revealing who I am is risky territory.
 
Peacebone said:
Yeah, I have heard of violence against trans women :(

Maybe I should just go to parties/events and chat people up and invite them home for sex. However, you can get sent to prison in the UK if you engage in sexual contact without revealing you're trans in the UK. So yeah, I could tell them before, but even a bit of fondling without revealing who I am is risky territory.
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I didn't realize you were in the UK, nor that that law is on the books. Kinda puts the blame on the wrong person, IMO. I doubt it's enforced much? Once Eddie Izzard is Mayor of London, I hope he can work on that one!
 
Magdlyn said:
I didn't realize you were in the UK, nor that that law is on the books. Kinda puts the blame on the wrong person, IMO. I doubt it's enforced much? Once Eddie Izzard is Mayor of London, I hope he can work on that one!
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It has been enforced... I think it's relatively new and I think a lot of sexual assault type cases aren't usually taken seriously anyway... But yeah, at least one person has been to prison for it.

As trans people, we're such a small population as it is, many of us don't get read as being cisgendered to really be in that situation... Though I guess I could technically sleep with somebody who thought I was a woman and then bring a "sex by deception" case against me.
 
Peacebone said:
However, you can get sent to prison in the UK if you engage in sexual contact without revealing you're trans in the UK.
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Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell kind of ass backwards law is that!??! I guess the UK did have homophobic laws on the books long after the rest of the free world pulled their heads out of their butts, but seriously. Wow.

And then they'd have to prove in court that you are trans and not just a masculine woman. How do they pull that off? Man is that infuriating.

I mean I can understand feeling uncomfortable when you realize that you're not as straight/gay as you thought you were, and that you're able to be attracted to more genders than you thought. But what that really means is you need to question your orientation, not fucking press charges against someone for having an orientation you didn't realize you were attracted to. Because obviously they were attracted before they saw their junk. But if your junk is that much of an issue, they can just decline to interact with it.

Seriously. If someone is so homophobic that they would press charges for that, they need to be kicked in the face.
 
From what I can gather from a couple articles, they're basically saying that failure to "tell the truth" negates one's consent. So then, if you find out someone actually is not STI-free, or that maybe they make minimum wage and not six-figures like they claim... does that mean you can press charges for rape?

I mean, if you can't figure it out during the course of sexual interaction that they are not cis-gender, then obviously it's not traumatizing you.

I mean, it just makes no sense for people to say "Oh wow, I find you really attractive... but oh what? You're not cismale? Then I take back my feelings." You can't take back your feelings. If you felt them then, then you felt them. You can feel differently later, but you can't undo feelings you already had just by learning something new.

The only way I could see making leeway is if you actually *lie* and say "I am cis" when you're trans. But if you just don't say anything, and they don't ask, then they shouldn't be allowed to press rape charges after the fact. Just like if you don't ask someone about their STI status and you get an STI, you can't blame them, you should have asked.

Sorry to digress from your original topic. I just got really heated up there.
 
Peacebone said:
Sooooo I'm looking to go on some dates with other people, but I'm actually quite a shy guy and was wondering if anybody has tips?
Click to expand...

I'm shy too. Sometimes it helps to bring a wingman. That's sorta how my gf met her husband, who's also trans. It was a little more convoluted than that, and only really worked because they're all crazy as foxes. Basically she was at the bar with her boyfriend and her (now) husband was out with his (then) boyfriend, and my gf wanted to sleep with her (now) husband's (then) boyfriend, and her (then) boyfriend wanted to sleep with her (now) husband. So she went up to her (now) husband and said "my boyfriend wants to sleep with you, and I want to sleep with your boyfriend, so here: you guys chat and I'm going to go hit on your boyfriend." And then they were a quad for a while, which eventually fell apart leaving just my gf and her (now) husband.

Her husband also has a boyfriend, and I believe they met either on-line or at a pride parade.

In general, I think it's easier for trans people to date within some kind of community (LGBT or kink or poly), at least until the options are exhausted. It sucks, but for the reasons you mentioned and also just to avoid a lot of shit that's a pain to deal with, it's easier if the people you're interested in have at least half a clue what trans means. Kinda like how I don't really date people who aren't poly because I just can't be bothered to hold their hand and teach them the ropes. I've got enough on my plate, I want to have relationships wherein we can focus on ourselves and not public service announcements.
 
Hi Peacebone,

I don't know of any dating tips for a trans man, as that is not an area of experience for me. It sounds like it's complicated in the U.K. where you have to disclose your trans status before a certain point. :(

I just offer my moral support in general, and hope that if you're willing you'll keep us updated on how things are going for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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