Dating troubled people

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BanderaRoja

New member
Hello, that's my first post here. Not quite sure how well it fits, but it's a topic that's in my mind a lot lately, so I hope maybe someone can relate :)

Background Info:
Some time ago my boyfriend and I decided to open our relationship. It was clear for us that this is not about casual one night stands, but that we both want to have the possibility and the allowance to develop romantic feelings for the people we're dating, though we're not going as far as to have "relationships" with those people, rather we call it affairs or special friendships.

The situation that troubles me:
I met someone I fell in love with, and that person in my oppinion has an alcohol problem. To specify: He's not the comatose drinking type, but he has an average of 10 to 15 drinks a day and drinks larger amounts during dates. He seems to be doing this already at least 10 years, but has a regular life with a job and Master studies.

At the beginning I thought: Okay, I'll just accept him the way he is, he's got stable life conditions and it's just an affair and maybe at some point we'll both be fed up with each other anyway and move on. Also we usually met after his work when he seemed to be quite sober.
But now I've been dating him on occasions where he was not working directly before, and already had some time to drink, and I noticed that it bothered me and made me feel insecure when recognizing signs of drunkenness, such as sligthlty uncoordinated movements or strange ways of talking.

What advice do I seek?
I am probably not looking for advice like "Don't date him" because I will most likely meet him anyway as I have strong feelings for him. Also I do not plan on engaging in a serious commited relationship with him, but rather want to enjoy the time we spend together.

I was wondering If maybe someone has advice on how to cope with the current situation? On one part on how to cope with my feelings of being worried, on the other hand on how to work on some compromise e.g. concerning the consumption of alcohol before dates, so we can both feel comfortable, without giving him the feeling of being rejected or not beeing accepted the way he is?
 
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That is a very tricky minefield to navigate. I have had a drinking problem in the past, and a few of my family members were/are alcoholics. It will be hard to say ANYTHING without being met with extreme defensiveness. If he has any years on him, he has probably been approached about his drinking before, so I doubt this will be a shock to him, but he may not take it well.
 
I was wondering If maybe someone has advice on how to cope with the current situation? One one part on how to cope with my feelings of being worried, on the other hand on how to work on some compromise e.g. concerning the consumption of alcohol before dates, so we can both feel comfortable, without giving him the feeling of being rejected or not beeing accepted the way he is?
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I'm sorry you are struggling. FWIW? Sounds like you want to date him bit more and see. You are not willing to end it at this moment.

For me? Making a plan alleviates worry. So I suggest you make some boundaries for yourself and define when you have to end it. Then you have a plan. Do not let your soft feelings for him deter you from maintaining your boundaries.

I want to enjoy the time we spend together.
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Right now you are not, because of his alcohol problem. You cannot control his drinking level, but you CAN control who you make dates with.

You could make a boundary for YOU to obey to help keep you secure/safe. Like ...

"I do not go out on dates or get in cars with drunk people. I do my own rides to and from dates. We meet in public spaces. I can give 3 chances to get it together but after showing up drunk 3x I have to bow out."​

If he shows up to a date not sober or you notice drunk behavior on a date, you cancel the date or end it early and go home. That is a consequence YOU can do. After 3x of this? You can stop making more new dates knowing you gave it a fair shake. ( I like 3x, but maybe you want 5x. Pick something. Just don't make it be 100x, 1 million times. YKWIM?)

The one who looks out for your comfort level is you. So I think you could be direct and ask if he's willing to meet you sober for your shared dates. Hopefully he does, and this becomes a non-problem. If he shows up drunk you go with the plan to just stick to your boundaries. You have a plan to handle it either way. Maybe that helps you feel better?

I think expecting someone to not show up to a date drunk is a reasonable request. If he gets defensive about you asking him to show up to dates sober? Well, he gets defensive. His feelings are his to manage.

Don't skip doing your part of the communication job and NOT talk about this because you are worried about how he's going to handle his side of the the listening job.You do your side and let him do his. You can ask for what you need to feel comfortable on dates. He can ask for what he needs to feel comfortable on dates.

With you worrying about him feeling rejected or accepted -- it's like you are trying to do ALL the jobs. Let him take care of his own side of things like dealing with his own emotional management. You deal in your things on your side.

If he acts out or blows up at you? You could not give him any more dates. You didn't plan on this being a serious thing.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks for both your replies! It already helped a bit. Especially the advice with setting my own boundaries.
It's true, I can't and won't change anyone's behaviour, but I can determine for myself how far and under which circumstances I am willing to keep up with him, and under which circumstances not.
Right now I feel a bit like my romantic feelings cloud my rational judgment, and create a fear of losing him. But nevertheless, there will be clearer moments i hope where I can look into myself, ask myself what I want, and what my boundaris are.
 
I agree with Galagirl on setting your boundaries and sticking to them. They aren't rules for him that you need to pound in his head...or be disappointed or angry when you have to enforce them. It's not about punishing him, it's about doing what you need to do to maintain your peace and keep you safe. For me, that would be always driving to/from dates myself so that I know I have a safe way home and ending the date early if the other person is intoxicated.

I'd also add that if he is an alcoholic (sounds like he may be), that it's inevitable that you will have to enforce your boundaries. Alcoholism is a disease, it's not a lifestyle choice and it's not personal when they choose the alcohol over you, although it may feel that way. It just is what it is. Understanding that makes all the difference... you learn not to rely on them for things they can't give and not to take it personally that they can't give you those things.
 
Speaking as a guy who enjoys his bourbons & artisanal beers -- sometimes a bit too much -- your bf is certainly a drunk, & probably an alcoholic.

10-15 drinks on a typical day? Assuming a steady fulltime job, let's say that's what's consumed between 4 pm & 12 am -- that's 1-2 drinks/hour... at minimum... every day. :( Alcohol IS a toxin, & DOES have cumulative effects.

And he typically drinks MORE when he's out with you... nah, not good.

It's a common error to equate alcoholism with drunkenness. Some deep alcoholics won't stand out even with high BAC. I knew a guy who could walk into the bar, sip down four double vodkas over a half-hour, & walk out looking more sober than when he entered.

That is to say, when your bf "looks/acts mostly sober" it's NOT a positive. At best, just better camouflage.

My brother & I are like... well, like brothers. ;) But we've come to an agreement that's essentially "If I don't show up to your party after you guys have been drinking for a few hours, it's nothing personal." We feel like, if we're not at about the same drunkenness level, hanging out is just nowhere near as fun & we tend to get into pointless arguments we both regret when sober. You seem to be having similar feelings aboutthe bf.

Look, one of the points of nonmonogamy (& polyamory in particular) is that you do not need to be a rescuer... & he doesn't need to put up with you if you treat him like a "fixer-upper."

There's no need for you to cling to a deeply damaged person out of fear of "going through life alone."

And there's little justification to hope that The Power Of My True Love Will Rescue Him, either -- that stuff should be left with monogamy, where it doesn't work at all well.
 
Dear Ravenscroft, thanks for your reply, I am sure you had nothing but best intentions. Nevertheless, I think you missed the point of my post.

Firstly, I am not talking about my "bf", but a person I am dating. I'm in a happy and stable relationship and I have no fears of "going through life alone", wherever you read that.

Secondly, I am not naive, I do know about alcoholicm and about its dangers, and it is neither my intention nor my will to cure an alcoholic person "With The Power of My True Love", as you write.

My intention was to ask for advice on how to handle the situation as it is to keep dating a positive experience for both of us.
People who drink do have needs for intimacy, love and closeness like everyone else, and I don't see a drinking problem as a general reason not to date someone, as long as it does not affect me negatively.
 
One does come across all types when dating.

I've never dated anyone who drank 10-15 drinks or more per night. But I have dated people with social anxiety, generalised anxiety, bipolar disorder, Asperger's, narcissism, depression, and some who may drink like 6 drinks a night (but aren't disagreeable when under the influence), and one guy who admitted to me he used an unspecified hard drug (abused something pharmaceutical).

As long as you understand their limits, and you really like them, and their disease doesn't put you in harm's way or make you uncomfortable, embarrassed, etc... only you can decide if the "affair" is worth continuing. Or, on the other hand, your partner may become well aware his/her disease is affecting his/her ability to have a decent relationship with you, and s/he may end it. This happened to me a couple times as well.

If I am dating someone with a mental disease, I prefer they have awareness of their disease and are working to heal with therapy, meds or AA. Otherwise the relationship doesn't usually last more than 6 months to 2 years.
 
I would also consider the potential affects the drinking may have on you.

What if you're happily enjoying your affair when his liver decides it's going to go? Are you going to be able to just walk away or are you signing up to support him through all of that?

What if he gets a DUI or something similar and ends up killing someone? How will you feel about not talking to him about it/trying to encourage him to cut down or seek treatment? What if he loses his license/job/etc because of this? Will that affect you at all?

Personally, I would feel extreme guilt in any of those situations. If he got really sick, I would feel like I HAVE to be there. Even when I was just swinging, if someone I played with multiple times and developed a friendship with had issues, I was there. Hell, I held a man all night while he cried about his partner leaving and his parent's illness. If someone died, I'd wonder if I could have encouraged him to change his behavior at all (at least getting an uber or something, if he wouldn't get treatment).

Your life, your choice, but just because it isn't affecting you now doesn't mean that it can't change in an instant.
 
I've been drinking and doing drugs for about 25 years now. In my experience, some people can party hard but know their limits and manage to have successful careers, relationships, families, and maintain their health. But, especially as one gets older, excess causes serious problems. I've seen my current love lose keys, spend money recklessly, and put herself in danger when she abuses her prescription meds. My ex husband was a sloppy fall-down drunk towards the end of our marriage, though he always kept it together professionally. I've had friends die too young because they thought they could go hard. My-brother-in-law drove drunk and crashed and lost all but minimal use of his legs.

Your fella drinks a lot. I mean, if it's really 15 or more drinks a day everyday....whoa. How long do you think he'll survive doing that? Does he drive anywhere while intoxicated? Personally, I think you're right to be deeply concerned.

In my own experience, if my lover is unable to be physically or emotionally present or responsive to my needs because of their substance abuse, if they're constantly sleepy or sickly or broke because of drugs/booze, or can't get it up, I'm going to end up walking away. I'm very resentful when I'm put in the position of being a caretaker, nurse, or babysitter because of someone's substance abuse.

When a friend or lover's substance abuse becomes a problem for me, I tell them, and explain why. I will often have to do it more than once. Sometimes it turns into a fight or break up. Sometimes, they actually work on the problem. If they can't or won't mellow out, well, then I gotta go. It sucks and it hurts, but as others have said, addiction is not a choice. If I were you, I'd express my concerns, and see how it goes.
 
Hi BanderaRoja,

You mentioned that when you met this guy after his work, he seemed to be quite sober. If this is how you prefer him, maybe the thing to do is limit future dates to right after he gets off work.

Although others have made good points about the dangers to his health and well-being ... and that of others if he drives drunk. So maybe that is something to talk to him about, if you want to keep dating him.

Tough situation.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
We all have to manage what we will and will not accept in each relationship, I think. Boundaries are important, but sometimes they are easier made than kept, if that makes sense. But... rarely is anything worth doing easy.

However, here was my most immediate thought (which is admittedly bathed in extreme bias):

Six months ago I lost someone dear to me to a driver who was barely over the legal alcohol limit. Please, please do not get into a car if you suspect the driver may be under the influence of alcohol or anything else that may impair their judgement. It's not just your life at risk, but the happiness of your partner(s). You never, ever, want to put someone you care for through having to take that phone call. I've felt that pain, and watched it all but break another man I care about. You can't stop someone who may be impaired from driving, but you can remove yourself from the situation and keep yourself- and the hearts of those who love you- safe.
 
Hello again, and thanks again for the further replies, some more helpful, some less.
I see there is worry in some comments especially about driving under the influence of alcohol. I just wanted to assure you people, he's not driving a car (we live in a city with very good public transport) and not engaging in any other behaviour that is possibly harmful to other people, so there's no necessity of me having a responsibility to prevent him from being a danger to other people.

Regarding the topic I thought about my boundaries and will see on how to apply them the next time we'll meet.
 
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