Dazed and Confused: Life of Maca

maca

maca

New member
I'm mono, and my wife has recently come clean with the fact that she is poly. There was a lot of drama before this, but that is not important. I'm unsure of my willingness and ability to stay in this marriage, but I'm exploring it with the most open mind I can muster. I have insecurities. I'm jealous. I'm working on finding the deeper-seated reasons I feel these fears.

I'm not even really sure that I'm mono. I entertain many thoughts about another partner, but I don't feel it's right to bring another person's emotions into my life till I can control and understand my own emotions.

Basically, I'm here looking for enlightenment, and some advice, once in awhile.

My wife is also on this board, but till she says it's ok with her, I won't link her board name in my posts.

Dazed and confused,
Maca
 
First, welcome!

Second, well, you certainly have the right mindset to make a relationship work, mono, poly, or whatever. A willingness to:

1. explore rather than simply combat the new ideas
2. acknowledge that you still have resistance
3. work on understanding those issues
4. look to others for help and guidance

All speak very well of you as a partner in the marriage. Even acknowledging that you're unsure about wanting to stay is a sign that you are willing to work from your side. Furthermore, you are respectful of her position, to at least some degree, even to the point of not revealing who she is until she okays it. So you're coming from a good place.

Talking about people "being mono" or "being poly" annoys me personally, not you or your words, it gets thrown around here a lot, even by me. But I don't think someone "is" one or the other. They are who they are and they have needs and beliefs as they relate to relationships. At this time, your wife believes that hers are better served in a polyamorous relationship. Brace yourself, that might change down the road! You say that you "are not really sure you are mono." Again, you are who you are, and your comfort and understanding of things will dictate what you need to do. Someone who identifies as "mono" might very well have thoughts and feelings for other people, but never be comfortable in a plural relationship. And someone who identifies as "poly" may very well be seeking something that ends up better fulfilled in a "mono" relationship, or may have some desire to be with one person while never being able to be fulfilled by just one. And so on. As with anything in human nature, it's complex, and no two situations/people/etc., are going to be alike, though similarities will exist.

I'm getting long-winded. How about I ask some questions, if you don't mind?

How long have you been together?

Is this discovery that she's "poly" something new, maybe related to other things going on, etc.?

Are your "poly" thoughts a result of the recent issues, or have they always been there and "suppressed"?

That's a start, if you'd like input and help.
 
HappiestManAlive said:
someone who identifies as "mono" might very well have thoughts and feelings for other people, but never be comfortable in a plural relationsip, and someone who identifies as "poly" may very well be seeking something that ends up better fulfilled in a "mono" relationship, or may have some desire to be with one person while never being able to be fulfilled by just one. ...
Click to expand...

You're missing the whole natural-wiring thing here. Sometimes people are wired differently. Accept it.
 
Welcome! Good luck finding the answers you need.
 
HappiestManAlive said:
How long have you been together?

Is this discovery that she's "poly" something new, maybe related to other things going on, etc.?

Are your "poly" thoughts a result of the recent issues, or have they always been there and "suppressed"?
Click to expand...

We have been together for 11 years now, 10 as a married couple.

I've only recently discovered the definition of poly. I used to think she was just sexually liberal and a close kin to a hippie. She had an affair that I caught her in and it continued for several years afterwards. But the bottom line is, I know she loves this other guy as well as me. So I guess I knew she was poly but didn't know what poly was.

My thoughts of having two or more partners has always been there, but I refused to give those feelings any credit. I was afraid of what ppl would think and say, and I feared that I would be alone in the end if it didn't work out. So my recent actions are a result of the brutal honesty my wife laid on me last Friday about the fact that she is poly and still wants me to be her husband and lover.

I'm not a proficient typist, so if things get hard to follow, I'll try to slow myself down.

I really just want to live a happy and full life.

Maca
 
Welcome

Maca,

I can see you are struggling, and it must be hard, but you are doing an excellent job of processing. I can feel in your posts a deep respect for yourself and your wife.

Having been party to a long line of uncommunicative relationships, I come from a deep place of still being almost shocked and so grateful that people can look at one another for who they are and not run away from coping, but face the situation with dignity and respect.

Your first line about your wife "coming out" immediately shows you are taking this seriously. I am glad to hear you say you just want to be happy, because you are doing the work right now to make that happen.

Welcome to the forum!
 
Thanks, RC, It hasn't been easy, but the pay-out so far has been incredible. I realised that honesty between ppl is so uplifting. My wife is so much happier, and because of that she has helped me to be happy again. And the sex... wow. :D

The only thing that is really bothering me is my relationship with my wife's OSO. It's not where it should be at. It needs to be closer in order for this to last. Wed I'm planning on taking him out for a beer and some conversation. We will see how it goes.
 
maca said:
It hasnt been easy but the pay out so far has been incredible. I realised that honesty between ppl is so uplifting. My wife is so much happier and because of that she has helped me to be happy again. And the sex... wow. :D

The only thing that is really bothering me is my relationship with my wife's OSO. It's not where it should be at and it needs to be closer in order for this to last. Wed Im planning on taking him out for a beer and some conversation. We will see how it goes.
Click to expand...

Patience, my friend. It's all new, and you all seem to have the desire to make it work. It will come if it is meant to be. You have already seen the potential and know what depth it can mean to you and your wife. It will all fall into place in time.
 
Thanks, RP. I will take my time. It's just exciting and, well, I really have an issue with letting the things that feel confronting to me slide, and then they get in a rut. But I'll take it slow and let the chips fall as they may.
 
you're so brave!

Hi, Maca,

I just want to say how brave you are for pursuing keeping this relationship going, and for working on your relationship with your wife's other partner. I'm new to poly, never been married, always thought I was 'wired' monogamous, then had everything flip 180 degrees suddenly. A mix of my best gal friend coming out to me as poly, then two nice guys both wound up in my life and in my bed within a few months of each other, one of them poly, one just sort of wild and trying to figure out his deal.

Anyway, for me, it's all about digging in my heart to find my insecurities, facing them, crossing my fingers hoping my jealousy can flip to mad hot lust, which it has been doing, regularly.

Take things slow. Big changes to how you thought your heart was shaped can be a rocky ride. Don't be hard on yourself. Good luck!
 
I have hit some snags with my insecurities. I'm really trying to get down to the core of my feelings, but it's hard to let go of what I was taught was right. I'm still here and still loving my wife and myself.
 
My love,

No worddies, be happy.

I think she said it best and it works so well. Just follow her footsteps. She's a miracle. Her name isn't Trinity on accident.
 
Thanks, Mono. I've talked with LR and we decided that I could go the the counseling meeting tonight solo. I didnt see any reason to wait till next week. I also started a journal so I could look back at the feelings and emotions I had each day, see why I had them, and then see if what I was fearing was real or just insecurities.
 
maca said:
Thanks Mono. I've talked with LR and we decided that I could go the the counseling meeting...
Click to expand...

This is great news. my friend. I do worry a little that the idea of you going solo implies that this is your problem. There could be an argument for the requirement of solo counseling on the other end of this relationship, as well. I just don't want to see you taking on the sense that the survival of your marriage rests solely on your shoulders or hinges on your ability to accept poly. It doesn't; it also depends on your partner's need and reasons for pursuing poly. There really are two sides to this, so never lose sight of that.

I wish you and your family all the love, happiness and prosperity in the world, my friend.
 
Mono, you are very right. There are many things for each of us to deal with. I am a much less private person than Maca though, and more comfortable just saying what I need to talk about, deal with or work though "with an audience" than he is.

Many of the issues plaguing him right now are quite personal and it's daunting for him to think about them, much less do so with both me and a counselor in the room. I can respect that.

We are scheduled to do it every other week. One week together, and one for him alone. If something does come up that I really feel I need to speak with the therapist alone to deal with, I will ask to do so.

This counselor seems quite on top of his game, so to speak, so if he feels like he and I need to meet alone, I'm sure he will advise that as well.

But mostly I prefer that I just speak up in front of Maca from here on out. For too many years I've kept my mouth shut in an attempt to keep his heart safe, and frankly, it doesn't work and only hurts both of us. Since I know that to be my weakness, I think it's better for me to address my issues with him, not without him.

ANYWAY-we are definitely not looking at as "Maca needs to get his shit together for us to stay married." Well at least I'm not! :) We have already made so much progress with our marriage and our life, and we can make even more now that we are really working as a team.

The counseling appointment for Maca went great. (I'll leave details for him to share or not share as he sees fit.) He came home and took ANOTHER chance by sharing the experience not only with me, but with GG too. It was a little unnerving for him, but of course GG cares for him very much, and it went well. That gave him a little reassurance. When my sister came home he shared it with her too.

When we went to bed he commented that it felt good to be able to share things that were a little unnerving with all of us and get a good response. He's never really tried that before.

I'm amazed by how quickly things have come together in just 3 sessions, working on our communication, and then this one session on his own too. There is no doubt in my mind that Maca and I will stay married. There is also no doubt in my mind that we are meant to be together and my love for GG doesn't in anyway change that truth. I also believe that the more we learn, the more we open up to one another. And the closer we get, the more amazing our life will become.

I worry for him when he's hurting. By my nature I want to take all those pains and wash them away. But that is part of how we got into the mess. I have to let him take the steps, not take the steps on his behalf!

I know he's scared, but he's learning quite quickly that, unlike some other significant people in his life, I am not leaving him. I won't leave him for GG, and I won't leave him for anyone else or anything else. He has nothing to fear on that account.

Thank you for befriending him. He needs more friends.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
This is great news, my friend. I do worry a little that the idea of you going solo implies that this is "your problem". There could be an argument for the requirement of solo counseling on the other end of this relationship as well. I just don't want to see you taking on the sense that the survival of your marriage rests solely on your shoulders or hinges on your ability to accept poly. It doesn't, it also depends on your partner's need and reasons for pursuing poly. There really are two sides to this, so never lose sight of that.
Click to expand...

Mono, you really are a stand up guy. LR really likes you and RP and I can see why. You bring up a very good point.

Although it would be easy to blame and hold myself personally responsible for the ultimate outcome of our marriage, I'm really just dealing with the hurt from my childhood. I have issues with abandonment and not feeling good enough or loved. I could start a thread, but I'm sure no one wants to hear about my childhood and my mistrust of women and people in general.

I just want to be happy with myself and be able to be open and honest with the ppl around me. If for some reason this marriage or poly arrangement dosen't work, I still want to be able to be a healthier and more approachable loving man.

It's very helpful reading your posts, Mono. It helps knowing that you can be a strong guy's guy and that it's ok to run up against strong feelings that make you feel weak. Wish you guys lived in Alaska. :)
 
maca said:
I could start a thread, but I'm sure no one wants to hear about my childhood and my mistrust of women and ppl in general.

I just want to be happy with myself and be able to be open and honest with the ppl around me. If for some reason this marriage or poly arrangement doesn't work I still want to be able to be a healthier and more approachable loving man.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the kind words, Maca.

I went to counseling after I made serious mistakes that ruined my marriage and family. I found great insight and growth through seven months of intense sessions, and only stopped when I was told I had taught my counselor something, which was his gauge of my progress.

I continued my growth and understanding of myself through self analysis, being alone and certainly through my love for Redpepper. I would not be as far along as I am without her.

Please do tell us your story. You might be surprised who you might help and in the process I guarantee you you will help yourself. That is what this forum has done for me. It gave me a medium to share and explore in depth who I am and how I work.

Take care,
Mono
 
What a rough night. I cant say it's the first snag I have hit but I will say it's the hardest one. I have been in communication with a lady that is open to poly lifestyles. She is a friend of the family and has shown an interest in BEING with one or both of us. She is married to a nice guy who is also open to this dynamic. LR is not interested in persuing a sexual or romantic addition to friendship. So far, sounds ok, right?

Well, in being so naive and not being considerate to LR and the other lady, I didn't communicate the fact that I was considering moving my friendship to another level with LR, nor did I tell the other lady that I hadn't been open with LR. I didn't intentionally keep it a secret, hell, I didn't even really think about it till LR asked me what I was thinking, and I told her about it. She was so hurt, not because I was talking about moving the friendship to another level, but because I didn't talk to her about it.

That's when I realised I was not being loving, open or honest with the 2 of them. They are friends and I could have damaged that relationship between them. I have since sent an apology to both LR and the other lady.

I wonder if I will ever be able to not fuck things up in relationships. It feels like I take a step forward, then fall on my ass, roll down a hill, and land in a ditch with a face full of mud.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top