dead bed

Z

Zollstock

New member
hi all!
this is my first thread, I have been thinking a lot about asking around about my issues with this specific topic, and I guess I have come to a point where it's pointless not to do it. so here it goes!

how do I learn to be interested again and flirt and enjoy the company of others now that my lover is having a very good relationship with someone else who helped them (my lover) to find back the libido they had lost with me? they (my lover) are very few interested in having sex with me at the moment and I feel rejected and hate the rare vanilla sex we have. they refuse to do the things they do with their new lover with me, even if we used to do them before too. they even told me that I am better sex than this other lover. their desire fluctuates and I am very happy they are phisically satisfied and found this big old love again, but on the other hand I feel like if they don't desire me or at least want to have sex in a different way I can't deal with others. While my lover tries to solve the issues we have (like routine, having now common friends and sharing a lot of spaces) by meeting new people, going to parties alone, I feel like I don't enjoy any of these things because I don't feel desired by the person I love. I have dated but I have the feeling that until I solve this with myself that's not really going to help.
I feel very childish and I am very aware that I can't decide upon my lover's desire so I am struggling with myself. Their honesty and being true to themselves is one of the reasons why I love them and I try to make it an inspiration to cope with this issue I am having, but I would like to hear about your own experience with this topic, because I am getting depressed and worried and I start hating my body.

thanks!
Z.
 
I am sorry you struggle. You have several things going on. The first is too much info (TMI) upsetting you.

they refuse to do the things they do with their new lover with me, even if we used to do them before too. they even told me that I am better sex than this other lover.
Click to expand...

Why do you even know what sex acts they perform together? Why does Lover tell you that you are better sex than this other person? For what purpose? Lover doesn't have to be sharing those kinds of details. And you don't have to be taking them personally. You could ask Lover to STOP telling you TMI details like that. It only upsets you and encourages you to compare and feel blue at the comparison.

The second thing I see is that you are unhappy with the frequency of sex and the style of sex you and Lover have. Because you use that to measure your self esteem by.

Well, you cannot force someone to have sex with you. If they want to change sex with you, but struggle, maybe you guys can see a sex therapist to work on that together. If they do NOT want to change sex with you, you have to come to terms that this is all they are prepared to offer you at this time.

Third thing? You could also choose to base your self esteem on something other than sex with Lover and them desiring you. You could hold yourself in high regard/esteem when YOU do behavior that you can feel proud of.

Not when THEY do sex sharing behavior with you.

I am getting depressed and worried and I start hating my body.
Click to expand...

If you sit around thinking hatred toward yourself that is like being your own bully. It's hard to feel proud of that behavior and have high esteem for doing that.

If you need help changing your thoughts/thinking habits, you could talk to a counselor.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thank you for your answer, what you say is very true!

If they do NOT want to change sex with you, you have to come to terms that this is all they are prepared to offer you at this time.
Click to expand...

This is the case happening and what we are doing. For the rest I will have to work on myselfand on my self esteem. That helps in general :eek:

It was nice to read your words, so thanks!

Z.
 
Zollstock said:
... because I am getting depressed and worried and I start hating my body.
Click to expand...

As always, GalaGirl is spot on. I also wanted to address this, in particular, because I am wondering why, specifically, your focus is on your body? I ask this because, as women, there is a LOT of pressure on us to look a certain (and often urealisti) way, especially as we age. Is the feeling of body shame internal--as in, you've internalized the media images of woman that are supposed to be "desirable," and feel you don't fit that--or, has your lover commented that they have issues with your physique?
 
The only rare sexual activity I currently have with my lover is oral sex, which is only given to me. It is great, yes, but I don't feel them appreciating my body in its entirety. They reassure me, tell me I'm beautiful, but are also always commenting on other people and how much they desire them and all the different things they'd like to do with them. The reason why I said I was starting to hate my body is that. I feel like a giant pussy, who can receive something, sometimes, but is neither allowed to give nor surrounded by other bodyparts. Yes, I can give to other lovers, but it's not about that. It's about me accepting my lover's desire and not take it as an offence towards me. I am seeking for ways to cope with this by appreciating myself more, waiting when I feel overwhelmed by insecurity and by doing other things.
I have quite a mainstream body and live in a queer and feminist environment, the two things spare me a bit the media pressure about being "perfect".
 
And I know, it's
too much info (TMI)
Click to expand...
but I also love to share mine and my lover's emotions and I like to know what is going on with their life and I like to tell them about mine. In this specific case, not having informations about their happiness with their new lover would make me assume that they have no libido, which would be a false information.
I don't know, probably I could ask them to use a neutral tone when they tell me about it :)
I already asked them not to make comments on other people until things between us change. But I am afraid they will never change. If so, I'll probably make peace with it at some point and start enjoying commenting together. It just feels a bit sad to have lost such a beautiful part of my relationship.
 
You sound resigned. Are you basically saying that you are choosing to stay in an unsatisfying and unsatisfactory relationship that does not meet your needs?

And you want help from forum people on getting ok with that rather than encouraging you to make change and leave what does not suit you? :confused:

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
well no! I would like to know about others' experiences, if that happened to you as well and how did you cope with it if you did cope with it!
 
That is how I coped with it. I left. When the relationship was no longer meeting my needs and not really satisfying any more? I was getting sad and depressed and my requests largely ignored? And my partner would say loving words but in actions didn't want to put energy into it and kept on distancing?

I was sad then mad to keep getting put off. So I stopped wanting to keep investing. I ended it.

I hope others respond with other coping ideas for you.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi Zollstock,

Re (from OP):
"How do I learn to be interested again and flirt and enjoy the company of others now that my lover is having a very good relationship with someone else who helped them to find back the libido they had lost with me?"
Click to expand...

I suppose the secret is not associating your experience with others with your experience with your lover. You are assuming that one bad experience means you will always have bad experiences which can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Can you dissociate your experience with others from your experience with your lover? Can you compartmentalize?

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Can you dissociate your experience with others from your experience with your lover?
Click to expand...
I am working on it.

Since I wrote the first post my lover and I had several conversations, meetings and discussions and they said they are working on the desire they have lost towards me. They are trying to figure out how to desire someone with whom they have been together for a longer time, as this is the first time it happens to them. Apparently one of the reasons is also that for me no one is as cool as them. I enjoy meeting other people but it's difficult for me to get involved or impressed by them, and that is a turn off for my lover because they feel the pressure. I am not monogamous and I love my freedom of letting go if I meet someone I like, but it doesn't happen very often.

Yesterday they were looking at me and saying "I want to give you sex, I am thinking about it all the time, that I want to reconstruct my desire for you". It didn't happen at the end.
They have dates with other people, have the sex they want with other people and enjoy it, I am doing the same, meeting people, being open about my body and giving what I can. The feeling of frustration that the most important person for me doesn't desire me is very painful, but they show me their love otherwise and it's a beautiful love, that is what I have and I feel very lucky to have it.
I am reading articles about consent, concentrating on being satisfied of myself and dating others who make me feel safe and comfortable.
 
Sorry to hear that your most important person doesn't desire you. :( It sounds like you are making the best of a bad situation.
 
After 8 months of struggles, 100 more comments from my lover about their sex with others and them falling in love again with somebody else and using me as their couch I left. My frustration was making both our lives impossible and now I am terribly sad but I feel so much better. I am in my life and get my things together without being obsessed with something unsolvable.
 
I am glad you let go of something unsolvable, and are feeling better as a result. I hope you continue to heal.

Galagirl
 
Zollstock said:
After 8 months of struggles, 100 more comments from my lover about their sex with others and them falling in love again with somebody else and using me as their couch I left. My frustration was making both our lives impossible and now I am terribly sad but I feel so much better. I am in my life and get my things together without being obsessed with something unsolvable.
Click to expand...

Brave move! Congratulations! I hope you find lots of love and lust with new partners.
 
I think you did the right thing Zollstock.
 
Take some time for yourself to regroup. Then find the lover(s) you deserve who will respect and desire you.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top