Dealing with a toxic Meta

amomynous93

New member
I met my bf in decemeber. He has a wife married 4 years and I completely respect that. Problem is she's a liar, not like little white lies, like lies that had friends cutting bf out of their lives and possibly send him to jail lies. Anyway his wife and I hung out for the first time by ourselves and she just lied. She lied about when she first found out about me, she lied about them trying for a baby, she made it seem like she was kept in the dark about his feelings for me (that I was just a small bump in the road on their roadtrip). She asked (essentially) what am I going to do when I'm done with him? And what kind of person I'm looking for in the future (I'm mono and she knows.) She just belittled our whole relationship to the point where I confronted him ready to break things off (which is probably what she wanted). I have just never ever met someone who would lie about things like that. And I just cut out two toxic people this year. (still stuck living with one though)

And I love this man so much and his wife (when she isn't lying up a storm) is nice but I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can truly explain everything she said and how trashy she made me feel (almost as if I had been caught in the bedroom sleeping with a married man) .

Anyway they are looking at houses, and my heart and head both hurt. He says he loves me, but how are you going to let her sabotage us like that. And I was the one to reach out to her first and I thought she liked me. I get how important she is to him but she's awful (to the both of us) and I don't know if I can be apart of that forever.I'm just so confused.
Does anyone have any stories/ of dealing with a toxic meta?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello amomynous93,

My advice is to tell your boyfriend, that it is your opinion that he should divorce his wife, but that you respect his decision and will not bring it up again, as long as you don't have to hear about her anymore, and as long as you don't have to meet with her again. You said it yourself: She is a toxic person, and you need to remove her from your life. I don't think you are quite ready to break up with your boyfriend, but it might come to that if he won't respect your wishes.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle. I mean all this kindly ok?

So you recently cut 2 toxic people out of your life but are stuck living with one toxic person still.

You started dating this BF when he is not actually at a place to offer himself for heathy poly dating. Because he chooses to stay with his Wife and not hold her accountable when she does terrible lies and terrible behavior. Some of their friends have dropped them for these terrible lies. (Even lies that could send him to jail.) So he's not esp healthy to date because he just goes along with it.

You hung out with her and she piled on lies and was horrible to you.

When you told BF about that experience, he still won't hold her accountable. Won't be changing anything.

So basically what you get from this poly dating offer is a crap behaving meta and a wishy washy BF. Why is this an awesome dating offer for you? It's been almost a year. Maybe you decide he just doesn't cut it.

It is not your job to fix him or help make his yucky marriage more endurable by providing him with "bright spots" or something. You know now he's not leaving her, and he's willing to ignore bad behavior. And not do anything when it affects you. It's gonna be hard to love someone who says they love you but in actions? Don't do anything when you are being hurt.

So you have to take matters into your own hands.

She just belittled our whole relationship to the point where I confronted him ready to break things off (which is probably what she wanted).

You wanted to break up but did not follow through. So now you are stuck still dealing with this. I suggest you follow through.

I think you are letting your soft feelings for your BF cloud your view. I think you breaking up with him to be free of toxic HIM is prob a good idea. I know wife is not great, but the one picking her out is HIM. You do not control who he picks out.

Yet the one picking HIM out is YOU. You could stop picking him out. You DO control that part.

Your problem is with him, not her. Could stop picking out poor dating partners.

I don't know if I can be apart of that forever.I'm just so confused.

To me you don't sound confused as much as you do sad and disappointed with your BF.

You are clear that you do not want any of this stuff. You want to be free of it. I think you could honor your wish. Free yourself.

Maybe you don't get why he puts up with this crap... but that's his business and his problem. You don't have to understand it to get YOU out of the line of fire. You can choose to drop him and then you just don't have to deal with this any more. No more toxic weird from either one of them.

It doesn't make sense to go from 2 toxic people to 1 you still have to live with and then add BF and Wife and make it THREE toxic people in your life. I thought you were trying to do less rather than more toxic in your life?

I think you could dump him and shrink it back down to just the 1 toxic person you live with to reduce your load right away. And take steps so you can be free of that one as well.

You have to be able to say "I love you, but I don't love this behavior. And not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me. I have to love ME first. "

Not like selfish, but like SELF CARE.

Staying here is hurting you. Walk away. It is not doing good self care to keep you in a horrible situation.

I hope things get better for you.

Galagirl
 
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SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
I met my bf in decemeber. He has a wife married 4 years and I completely respect that. Problem is she's a liar, not like little white lies, like lies that had friends cutting bf out of their lives and possibly send him to jail lies. Anyway his wife and I hung out for the first time by ourselves and she just lied. She lied about when she first found out about me, she lied about them trying for a baby, she made it seem like she was kept in the dark about his feelings for me (that I was just a small bump in the road on their roadtrip). She asked (essentially) what am I going to do when I'm done with him? And what kind of person I'm looking for in the future (I'm mono and she knows.) She just belittled our whole relationship to the point where I confronted him ready to break things off (which is probably what she wanted). I have just never ever met someone who would lie about things like that. And I just cut out two toxic people this year. (still stuck living with one though)

And I love this man so much and his wife (when she isn't lying up a storm) is nice but I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can truly explain everything she said and how trashy she made me feel (almost as if I had been caught in the bedroom sleeping with a married man) .

Anyway they are looking at houses, and my heart and head both hurt. He says he loves me, but how are you going to let her sabotage us like that. And I was the one to reach out to her first and I thought she liked me. I get how important she is to him but she's awful (to the both of us) and I don't know if I can be apart of that forever.I'm just so confused.
Does anyone have any stories/ of dealing with a toxic meta?

What is far more likely is that the liar is your partner who is telling you both whatever you want to hear to shut you up and keep you with him.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
Hello amomynous93,

My advice is to tell your boyfriend, that it is your opinion that he should divorce his wife, but that you respect his decision and will not bring it up again, as long as you don't have to hear about her anymore, and as long as you don't have to meet with her again. You said it yourself: She is a toxic person, and you need to remove her from your life. I don't think you are quite ready to break up with your boyfriend, but it might come to that if he won't respect your wishes.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Kevin that is really terrible advice. You never say to your partner to divorce their spouse. Especially under these circumstances.
 

amomynous93

New member
I'm sorry you struggle. I mean all this kindly ok?

So you recently cut 2 toxic people out of your life but are stuck living with one toxic person still.

You started dating this BF when he is not actually at a place to offer himself for heathy poly dating. Because he chooses to stay with his Wife and not hold her accountable when she does terrible lies and terrible behavior. Some of their friends have dropped them for these terrible lies. (Even lies that could send him to jail.) So he's not esp healthy to date because he just goes along with it.

You hung out with her and she piled on lies and was horrible to you.

When you told BF about that experience, he still won't hold her accountable. Won't be changing anything.

So basically what you get from this poly dating offer is a crap behaving meta and a wishy washy BF. Why is this an awesome dating offer for you? It's been almost a year. Maybe you decide he just doesn't cut it.

It is not your job to fix him or help make his yucky marriage more endurable by providing him with "bright spots" or something. You know now he's not leaving her, and he's willing to ignore bad behavior. And not do anything when it affects you. It's gonna be hard to love someone who says they love you but in actions? Don't do anything when you are being hurt.

So you have to take matters into your own hands.



You wanted to break up but did not follow through. So now you are stuck still dealing with this. I suggest you follow through.

I think you are letting your soft feelings for your BF cloud your view. I think you breaking up with him to be free of toxic HIM is prob a good idea. I know wife is not great, but the one picking her out is HIM. You do not control who he picks out.

Yet the one picking HIM out is YOU. You could stop picking him out. You DO control that part.

Your problem is with him, not her. Could stop picking out poor dating partners.



To me you don't sound confused as much as you do sad and disappointed with your BF.

You are clear that you do not want any of this stuff. You want to be free of it. I think you could honor your wish. Free yourself.

Maybe you don't get why he puts up with this crap... but that's his business and his problem. You don't have to understand it to get YOU out of the line of fire. You can choose to drop him and then you just don't have to deal with this any more. No more toxic weird from either one of them.

It doesn't make sense to go from 2 toxic people to 1 you still have to live with and then add BF and Wife and make it THREE toxic people in your life. I thought you were trying to do less rather than more toxic in your life?

I think you could dump him and shrink it back down to just the 1 toxic person you live with to reduce your load right away. And take steps so you can be free of that one as well.

You have to be able to say "I love you, but I don't love this behavior. And not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me. I have to love ME first. "

Not like selfish, but like SELF CARE.

Staying here is hurting you. Walk away. It is not doing good self care to keep you in a horrible situation.

I hope things get better for you.

Galagirl
Thank you for responding. And I think you're right I am a bit disappointed in him. I get so much love and support for him, and he's just kinda stuck in the same place I had been.

All of this happened a few days ago so I'm still trying to reflect and gather my thoughts. And the only reason why I didn't break up because he wasn't lying.
What is far more likely is that the liar is your partner who is telling you both whatever you want to hear to shut you up and keep you He
What is far more likely is that the liar is your partner who is telling you both whatever you want to hear to shut you up and keep you with him.
Fortunately I know that is not the case. He was able to prove what she said was a lie. And when I told her I would talk to him about the stuff she said she begged me not to. She was the "only person who knew they were trying." Or I couldn't tell him I knew because he'd think she was sabotaging the relationship.
 

FallenAngelina

Active member
He says he loves me, but how are you going to let her sabotage us like that.
Nobody can sabotage an otherwise strong and sturdy relationship. It's just not possible. It's just not possible that your BF is in good emotional health while also prioritizing a "toxic" wife. Don't fool yourself into believing that all would be well between you and your BF if only the problem wife were out of the way or if he somehow puts his foot down with her. He's drawn to her (and to this competitive situation) for many reasons that are part of him and will remain with him whether she is in the picture or not. Blame is always just a matter of kicking an internal issue down the road.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
Thank you for responding. And I think you're right I am a bit disappointed in him. I get so much love and support for him, and he's just kinda stuck in the same place I had been.

Glad you took it in spirit intended.

Hopefully he figures out how to either hold her accountable or walk away himself. Get himself unstuck. But this is not work you can do FOR him. He has to do it.

So at this time? He's not healthy. You can try to be his friend and point him to resources to help him.

And you ALSO do your own self care and get away from all this.

All of this happened a few days ago so I'm still trying to reflect and gather my thoughts. And the only reason why I didn't break up because he wasn't lying.

Yes. It is fresh. At the same time... That's all it takes to be with you romantically? Not lie? I don't think that's enough to sustain a relationship. Love alone is not enough either.

Don't you want a partner who keeps drama away from his life? Stands up for you when someone hurts you? Has good personal boundaries? Can hold down a job? I'm sure there are more things you have on your personal standards for who you do/do not want to date. Maybe you want to write them out for yourself.

It's ok to be sad and disappointed that despite some good things... this BF is just not making the cut. It's been about a yer, the NRE pink fluffy clouds are wearing off and lo! You have a wonky poly situation with lies, weird, and toxicity. I'm guessing this is NOT what you were after.

You could say something like

"This is too much for me. I need to break up. I cannot deal with the lies and drama. I already left toxic before. I cannot allow me to enter toxic again. I care about you and hope you change your situation Call a doctor. Google some stuff. Get help. You can look me up if you get your life better together. Until then this has to be goodbye. I don't know if any of these help you. I hope you do get help. Take care. "


Those might not be the right ones for his situation, but there. You tried to throw him a lifeline and he can also do his own Google searches if he wants to help himself. If he doesn't? Well, all the more reason to you to bow out. You do not exist to be his life raft. You do not keep you in toxic.

I don't know how many friends and romantic partners have to break up with him before he wakes up and decides these behaviors are not ok and he asks his wife to get help or leaves himself. But all that is on him. It is not on you.

You have to do YOU. After all the work to leave toxic before? You do not jump back in just because it feels familiar, surprised you that it was there, or however it happened. You could be on guard for shenanigans and be swift to leave it when discovered.

I can imagine this is painful for you. But one doesn't linger in the pain place. One moves on and lingers in the healing place.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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