I mean all this kindly, ok?
I don't know what else to add. You and husband have to talk. List the actions that will be done. And if not done? List the consequences YOU can do. Because never ending downward spiral sounding stuff? That is not good for your mental health.
It's right there in
poly hell.
"They rationalize that they must focus on the new partner to solidify that relationship or it may not survive. At the same time, they see the primary relationship as stable and secure. As a result, they take their relationship for granted and fail to grasp that it needs maintenance and sustenance in order to thrive. The damage done by neglect during this phase can often be fatal to the primary relationship.
and
Unfortunately, it is only at the point that the primary partner decides to end the relationship that the partner usually takes their demands seriously, because they have been oblivious and naively believed that the relationship was secure. And by then it is usually too late to repair the damage, as their partner is already on their way out the door, and feels so mistreated and distrustful they are unlikely to be deterred."
How close are you to that point?
I see that you don't want things to end. But I also see he's basically phoning it in or just outright neglecting you. I do not see how this is awesome to continue.
On the one hand... you care about him:
I do love him, very much. If I didn't I would not be trying so hard to keep working on these issues. He really is a good person, we have fun together, he gets me (to an extent). We have known each other all our lives and been a couple since 2004. Married 2006.
I get that. None of that has to stop if you end the marriage and stop doing Poly with each other. You can still love him. Can still have fun together as friends.
Just no more romantic or marriage expectations. He can keep seeing his other partner and you keep seeing yours.
So your upset that (your spouse/romantic partner no longer does those spouse/romantic partner things) can end because (he is no longer that spouse person.)
On the other hand, you seem really fed up with the poor behavior:
It's like he seems to only feel the urge to do it in their presence to try and prove that he's working on it. Which wouldn't be a bad thing except he waits until they are out of sight, like he's worried about them seeing him give his wife attention. He claims he's slacked on constant communication with them throughout the day but I have not seen much of a change. And I have been asking for over a year for him to give us a day together, no other partners involved on my nor his end. He can't do it.
We even discussed it with all three of us just a few weeks ago. His partner said they didn't see why he would think that they would have a problem with it. So he basically got the confirmation he needed for his other partner that they would not be upset for him to spend time with me for a day with just us two.
My birthday was last week and I got my hopes up that it would happen because all of the talks and the fact that it's supposed to be my special day. It didn't happen. And he can't give me a reason why.
To me? That is phoning it in/neglect. Rather than make yourself crazy wondering WHY he cannot do it? Could accept he just
doesn't. After over a year of asking him to? Accept the answer is "No. Not gonna."
Then you can plan from there rather than beating head against wall.
So if you are married to a person who doesn't give affection and won't make 1:1 time with you? Is that your idea of the marriage you want to participate in?
If yes, continue how it is.
If not? Become more willing to let the marriage part that no longer works go. Because the solution is not you doing 100% of the work and burning out.
Could seek counseling for just you and/or the couple. Maybe it pans out. Maybe you become more ok letting that part end, and then focus more on the friendship/coparenting/whatever other parts that DO still work.
Why is it so hard to tell someone that you need personal time with a spouse to reconnect and enjoy each other's company for a day?????
If he wants to spend time alone with you? It's not a big deal or hardship to tell his other partner "No, thanks. I'm busy that day with my spouse." If he doesn't want to spend time with you? He can hem and haw and make excuses... but in the end he's just not gonna make the time on his calendar.
HE is in charge of his time and calendar. Nobody else.
It baffles me. I give him alone time with them. I back off on texting to be good morning /good night so they can have individual time. That's all I ask for in return.
Ask in return from WHO?
Is your meta not doing this? Backing off when it is (you + husband time?)
Does husband not do this when it is (you + your other partner) time?
Or is it that husband doesn't spend any individual time with you, and your main role in his life is no longer romantic partner/spouse. But...what? Childcare? Homecare? Something else?
And I figure that some of the anger I have towards his other partner is bc they know I need this from him but they don't acknowledge it either. Even though I know it's not on their head to control what goes on in my marriage.
Meta cannot control what your spouse's behavior choices are any more than you can control his behavior choices. Perhaps it is easier to aim some of the anger at them though. Because it is hard to digest.
That you love husband and try to treat him in loving ways, but he doesn't treat you in loving ways back lately.
I want to stop, I want to go back to being monogamous. I'm tired of bouncing between two people myself. But I can't.
If this is what you want? To return to practicing monogamy? ASK.
If neither of your present partners wants to do this with you? Then you have to end it with them, heal, and maybe move on to dating to seek someone who DOES want to share this.
Or at least drop one of them so even if you cannot solve all of the "sads" you can reduce the load. If you end it with secondary, then you don't have to be bouncing back and forth.
You could align your behaviors more toward what you want. Rather than doing stuff you don't want.
I can't get divorced (for reasons I'd rather not discuss.)
Fair enough. You don't have to say why here.
I will point out that even if divorce is difficult? It can be planned/saved up/worked for. A trial separation might be considered too. I mean... SOMETHING has to change here for new feelings to ensue. Otherwise you can expect more of same feelings because all the behaviors are unchanged.
I can't drop my secondary. And I would never ask nor tell my husband to drop his. This is a relationship issue between he and I. I don't see where our other relationships have to suffer if it's his and my issues to work out.
Are you saying that you prefer YOU to remain suffering?
Because if husband doesn't change behavior and you are unwilling to leave this situation or make any changes on your end? All I can see is more of same. And you don't sound happy.
I also do not see it as a (you + husband issue.)
It is a (you) issue.
You have to decide what you are and are not willing to put up with and for how long. It's already been 5 trust betrayals and at least a year on these issues. The poly hell article suggests 3 chances. This is in overtime according to that suggestion.
If no discernible progress is being made... how much
more time do you want to give it before pulling the plug? You don't have to end it right now. That's not what I'm saying. Maybe you guys decide the new thing to try is marriage counseling with a poly friendly person. And maybe that pans out.
What I'm saying is...
something has to change. Like try cosuneling. AND you could also put a time limit on "working on it" in counseling. Because that is an expense. And because one way to finish working on it is to just end it. Stop trying to fly the kite that won't fly.
If you clock another X betrayals? Or another 1-2 years like this? What's the deal breaker point to YOU? When does the clock say to you "Well, I have to end to end it then. With regrets, but end it all the same."
Because you aren't gonna spend 20, 30, 50 years like this, right? Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.
So... talk to him. Make a request for counseling perhaps. But have the time limit firmly in mind.
Then you do your fair share and just watch the clock. He either steps it up or not on doing his fair share.
Galagirl
