Defining a relationship issues

[Chri55y]

One of my partners I am confused about how to deal with.
We have been together for three years.

He insists he is head over heels in love with me and loves me just as much as his others.
He will be publicly (on fb) affectionate with his others, yet not with me.
He has unique pet names between his others, but not me.
He celebrates others anniversaries, birthdays, xmas, new year, but never with me.

Different people have different timings and relationship dynamics. I understand and accept that. I have no issues with the relationship as it is. We see each other a few times a year and enjoy ourselves.

What I'm having trouble with, is that to me, what we do, is friend with benefits / play partners.

We have nothing that to my mind means its a romantic relationship.

Yet he insists it is, and gets very hurt when I say it isn't as emotionally intense as he seems to think it is.

I guess I am looking for peoples perspective so I can understand his thoughts and find a way that we can match our dynamics and mindset.

Thanks.

 

[GalaGirl]

We have nothing that to my mind means its a romantic relationship.

What behaviors mean "romantic relationship" to you?

Yet he insists it is, and gets very hurt when I say it isn't as emotionally intense as he seems to think it is.

Well, he has is own POV. What behaviors mean "romantic relationship" to him.

For example, I cook quite well. I like the challenge of executing complex dishes or techniques. To me things like grilled cheese sandwich or scrambled eggs is "easy." My spouse does NOT cook. To him things like that are "hard." Who am I to tell him they are not hard for him? They very well may be. Just that to me? They aren't especially hard.

Maybe it is something like that here.

To you, this isn't especially romantic because (X behaviors that you think are romantic) are not happening. But to him is very romantic because (Y behaviors that he thinks are romantic) are happening.

Rather then caught up on the evalution of the relationship as "romantic" or "not romantic?" Maybe it's easier for each one to ask for behaviours each one wants/does not want?

I have no issues with the relationship as it is. We see each other a few times a year and enjoy ourselves.

If you have no issues with the relationship and enjoy his company, could you let him express how he feels?

If my spouse told me eggs are hard, I wouldn't correct my spouse that scrambled eggs are actually easy. I would just say "Great try! I see you tried to make scrambled eggs even though I know it's challenging for you."

If it were my partner saying this is a romantic relationship for him when I think it is more casual? I would say "Great! I am glad you enjoy your relationship with me" and leave it there.

Galagirl

 

[Chri55y]

What behaviors mean "romantic relationship" to you?

Things that he displays with his others (not jealousy, just stating that as I know it is a possibility from him).
Such as public acknowledgements of the relationship, sharing of life things, i.e. holidays, days out to places he finds special.

He shows romance to his others in the way I can understand as romantic, so I don't understand why he feels it is romantic without all the things that he has said are romantic, and is capable of displaying.

If it were my partner saying this is a romantic relationship for him when I think it is more casual? I would say "Great! I am glad you enjoy your relationship with me" and leave it there.

Thank you... That does seem to be the best way.

 

[Perrey]

He insists he is head over heels in love with me and loves me just as much as his others.

Have you asked how he defines love? What is love to him? And what is love to you?

He will be publicly (on fb) affectionate with his others, yet not with me.

Is he publicly affectionate with you when its one on one versus only on Facebook?

He has unique pet names between his others, but not me.

Have you asked how the others with pet names came to be? Was it developed over time? Is it something related to the relationship? Does he literally have pet names for everyone except you?

He celebrates others anniversaries, birthdays, xmas, new year, but never with me.

He's not told you happy anniversary? Or happy birthday? Or Happy Christmas? Or Happy New Year? Or he has not been with you in person to celebrate?

What I'm having trouble with, is that to me, what we do, is friend with benefits / play partners.

It seems the definitions between you two are different. Example, I have one close friend. I love her dearly. I have another friend who sees me as her closest friend but I don't feel as close to her as I do my other friend. Its not because I care less, its because I don't know the second as well as the first. I still love them both but its different.

We have nothing that to my mind means its a romantic relationship.

Yet he insists it is, and gets very hurt when I say it isn't as emotionally intense as he seems to think it is.

Does this happen when you're together or only on Facebook?

Now don't get me wrong, I like Facebook. I keep in touch with people and I obtain news and updates about those I love and their lives. I don't think Facebook is an accurate depiction of their or my life. If someone, outside looking in, used Facebook as a measurement for my marriage or friendships, it would look pretty bleak. I don't tag. I don't post stories from my past. I don't post pictures and tag people in them. I share news articles and stories on there and that's about it.

I would look more to how you interact one on one. Also, is he known to your family and friends? Have you told him that it is okay for him to post on your profile?

You're going through a difficult time and perspective is needed as you sounds happy but it maybe just this one space where things are not going well. I am willing to be wrong.

 

[Tinwen]

He insists he is head over heels in love with me and loves me just as much as his others.
He will be publicly (on fb) affectionate with his others, yet not with me.
He has unique pet names between his others, but not me.
He celebrates others anniversaries, birthdays, xmas, new year, but never with me.

Would you like him to do these things with you? If yes, have you told him/asked him why he doesn't?

We have nothing that to my mind means its a romantic relationship.

Yet he insists it is, and gets very hurt when I say it isn't as emotionally intense as he seems to think it is.

If it's not a problem, I agree with galagirl view - the difference in label doesn't matter. But I wonder: Are there (spoken or unspoken) expectations about the dynamics, about commitment or about the future? Do you think you are on the same page as to the level of priority the relationship takes in both of your lives?

 

[GalaGirl]

Such as public acknowledgements of the relationship, sharing of life things, i.e. holidays, days out to places he finds special.

If these are behaviors you would like, could you ask him for them?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Chri55y,

I suggest you specifically ask your partner for things that you want, such as, "Please be affectionate with me on Facebook," "Please call me by a pet name," and, "Please celebrate anniversaries, birthdays, Xmas, and New Year with me. Then I'll feel like we have a real relationship, not just an FWB." Sometimes you have to come right out and say it.

Unless you suspect he is just using you? pretending to be hurt when he really doesn't care? or do you think he's genuinely hurt when you say it isn't as emotionally intense as he seems to think it is?

Hopefully you can get things worked out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I will agree with some of others...if you are happy with the relationship, why insist that he agrees with your labels/interpretation?

I don't generally celebrate birthdays/anniversaries/holidays etc. Perhaps the only reason that he does with the others is that they expect that? (MrS and I recently reached our 20 year wedding anniversary - we don't generally celebrate our anniversary but Dude thought we should - so he took us out for GoKart racing and made us a fancy dinner!) No harm, no foul.

i.e. If it's not a problem for you, why make it a problem for him? If it is just a difference in labels? Now, if you have different expectations, THAT is a different story.