Okay, my initial response to this first paragraph of yours is to ask, "What's wrong with just letting your relationships be?" Must you shape them, and make sure they are "going somewhere" in order to feel like they are good and healthy and satisfying? What about this approach isn't going as well as you'd like? Or, rather, what is it you'd like to see happening in your non-escalator relationship that isn't?
Men tend to be pretty simple creatures, usually. If they are unhappy, you would know it. They don't tend to get all wrapped up in complicated thoughts and questions about their relationships like women often do. You could simply ask him if he wants something deeper.
So there's sort of two things going on here. When I say "just let a relationship be", what I actually mean is a terrible tendency to not actually express *any* needs - like, to the point that I second guess whether or not I should even suggest the next time we see each other because I'm afraid of being perceived as needy or asking too much from people. It's a passive streak that I don't particularly like about myself.
The problem with this approach in the context of AnotherArtist, is, as I told Kevin, is that I don't know whether he has the same romantic feelings towards me as I do him right now - and it's the lack of knowledge that's the problem, because not knowing makes me feel very insecure.
So, in the above quote, you are saying you don't want to live with him, but after a year you are still hoping it will work out. And you believe there should be some kind of end goal to reach together. What kind of goal? It sounds to me like, since this relationship isn't following the societally-expected path towards marriage (and will never be able to, since you're already married), you're not confident about what you have and not sure what you "should" want. And why are you still wondering if it will work out of you've been together for over a year? Is there something missing that would tell you to relax, that it's all okay?
The thing that's missing is, I think, verbal clarification of what we are to each other. Which sounds like an easy thing to ask for, I know, and for most people perhaps it would be. But I'm having a very hard time with this because the last two relationships I attempted to gain clarity on ended either immediately or very soon thereafter. Not because I asked, not *really*, but still.
I mean (and obviously this isn't clear from what I've said above, given your questions), the answer to that question doesn't change particularly much from a practical point of view, at least I don't think it does - as I said, I doubt we'll see each other much more often even if the answer is yes, there's romantic feelings on both sides. But it does give me... more security, more confidence. More ability to just randomly say hi if I'm thinking of him and not sit there and dither over whether that's a good idea or not.
Before you broach the subject with AnotherArtist, I think you need to do some soul-searching and get really clear with yourself about what you want and whether you actually need this relationship to move in a certain direction. Or is it that you are thinking you should steer it somewhere because that's what you've been taught in society to do? Maybe you are actually quite happy and satisfied with it as it is, but don't really think you should be -- because isn't it supposed to be "more than this?" Or maybe there is a glaring problem you are avoiding and you're afraid to really examine what is wrong. I don't know, but I think you need to get more specific when you envision what you want. How would your relationship look, in your mind's eye, if it settled into some sort of goal?
I think if I'm honest, my __ideal__ relationship has a bit more daily contact than the pattern that we've settled into, and perhaps a little bit more sense of being a priority.
Some of my more solo-poly friends in other forums talk about wanting to share more of their mundane life with their lovers; I'm not 100% sure whether that's something I want in the case of AnotherArtist or not. Some days I think yes (just randomly hanging out with him and TheKnight and my kid, who I really ought to nickname on here, as I've done a few times this year is quite lovely. And other days I think nope, it's lovely to have an escape from domesticity...
Other than the more-sporadic-contact-than-I-would-like, this is actually a pretty happy/healthy relationship - it's just the lack of clarity makes me overanalyze. So honestly my "goal" would just be to have something almost identical relationship to what we have but with... stated intention.
Or as I put it the other day:
... even though I do want a deeper relationship with him I don't, necessarily, want THAT much more time together. Maybe a more "guaranteed" date (defined as at least a few hours together, ideally with an overnight but not required) once a week, or close to it, with a few random in between extras - coffee or drinks or just random come over and hang out - sometimes. And I feel a little bit bad about asking for that because it's sometimes hard for me to schedule as well - kid, nesting partner with active dating life, local relatives... and only going to get more difficult (ish?) given that it looks like TheKnight is about to take a job that requires a lot more travel.
