Depression and Relationships

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Vicki82

Active member
I guess this isn't really a poly question, but I need help.

I had noticed that my boyfriend, Charles, was getting more distant in the last few months. He was still being loving and making time for us but there was a noticeable difference. Then, after New Year's, he's pretty much fallen off the map. Much less communication, canceled dates, etc.

Since we'd had some discussions before, I sent him an email kinda asking what was going on and letting him know what I was thinking and feeling.

He wrote back to me and it basically sounds like he is in the middle of a major depressive episode. His writing was actually pretty disjointed and it worries me, although I don't believe I need to be afraid for his physical safety. But I do really think he needs professional support, and I told him that. He doesn't want to see a counselor or psychiatrist, and that's his option, but it worries me.

My problem is that I don't really know what to do at this point. I don't want to abandon him when he's hurting, but this could also be harmful for my mental health. He's been doing some damage to our connection via neglect and that hasn't been affecting me well.

So I don't know how best to support him while also taking care of me. Is it better for him if I leave him alone and give him space? If he won't see a professional, I know I can't be responsible for his mental health.

Thoughts are much appreciated.
 
I think you could

1. If you have the resources, go there, get him healthy food and just be there (listen in case he wants to talk). It's clear you can't be doing that all the time, but could do it now, if you're up to it.

You could also ask him what kind of help he needs most, but chances are, he won't know.

2. Reiterate that he needs to see a professional. Offer to find one and accompany him if he goes visit one for the first time.

3. Tell him exactly what he can expect. This could be anything from "please reach out any time, I'll take the phone day and night" to "I'm sorry but I can't deal with depression and I'm breaking up now". Or something like "if you're not going to see a professional, I'll be dropping by once a month to see you're still alive, but that's all you can expect". Trust he can deal with consequences.

People in depression will be unreliable, they will be unable to respond to communication at times (due to a lack of emotional response to stuff that would usually elicit one), they can be irritable and say hurtful things. Try not to take it personally. Depression basically makes a person feel no love and no joy. Instead, there's excruciating pain or numbness, and a huge internal fight. Whatever kindness you can offer without expecting a return, do it - it makes a difference which is often appreciated only much later. But obviously watch your boundaries. You are not obligated to help.

I assume you're his domme. While play may be off the table - or just extremely rare depending on his unreliable mood, some playful nudges via sms will be probably remembered positively once he's better :)
 
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I'm sorry you deal in this. :(

I don't want to abandon him when he's hurting, but this could also be harmful for my mental health. He's been doing some damage to our connection via neglect and that hasn't been affecting me well.
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If he won't see a professional, I know I can't be responsible for his mental health.
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There is your boundary.

It's similar to my own: I will not be around people who are not doing their patient management.

Between my father's Alzheimer, my own patient things, one of my kids patient things... my dance card for that is FULL. If I have free time, I do NOT want to be dealing in unmanaged patient people.

I can understand someone trying to work at their management and having slip ups here and there. But NOTHING at all? No effort? I don't want that in my life. I do not exist to be other people's life raft. I don't need that sucking me dry.

And you are right. Whether he sees a professional or not? You are NOT responsible for his mental health. He is.

But I do really think he needs professional support, and I told him that. He doesn't want to see a counselor or psychiatrist, and that's his option, but it worries me.
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Ok, if he will not go see a counselor or psych, who IS he willing to go see? Will he go see general practice for a physical and general blood labs? Because maybe it is something like thyroid causing the depression. Or stress. Or something else that a GP can help with.

I think you could ask him who he IS willing to see and what his patient management plan is.

And if he's just not going to do anything and being around that is bad for YOUR mental health?

Be ok limiting contact. Do as Tinwen says. Touch base once a month or flat out break up. Pick the level you CAN deal with.

Galagirl
 
Hi Vicki,

There are meds that can help with depression, he needs to get on meds ASAP. If he won't see a therapist, he needs to see a general practitioner or someone else who can prescribe him some meds.

Maybe he's hoping this episode will just blow over. Maybe it will. In the meantime, you don't have to spend as much time with him if it is hurting your mental health.

You could also send him links and articles on how to get through depression. If he won't do that on his own. Also you could bring him some healthy food to eat, he might not be taking care of himself in that way.

Just some ideas,
Kevin T.
 
So, when I read your blog post about this, it actually sounds like Charles is handling things in a way that works for him--when he gets a depressive episode, he withdraws from everyone and just muddles through, dealing with his own stuff as best he can.

It is possible that he's figured out that this works for him better than therapy or medication.

It may mean that he needs to "check out" of his relationship with you while he goes through this. Which, understandably, may not be okay with you.

Personally, when I had depressive episodes on the past, I preferred to be single so that I didn't have to deal with anyone else's needs during that time. That was what worked for me.
 
Had he had this type of episode before? Like, if it’s something that has historically been cyclical it may be that waiting it out (with or without support) feels reasonable to him.
 
I guess I just don't understand dealing with depression in that manner. Pretty much everything I've read or been told says to try and pull the person away from withdrawing, that withdrawing makes it worse. Certainly when I was suffering from depression, leaving me alone left me with my bad thoughts spiraling worse and worse.

He has had this kind of episode before, and he tells me that he was pushing me away because he didn't want to hurt me by not being able to meet my needs and then having to deal with the reflected pain on top of everything else. I told him that we can shelve our issues for now and just try to focus on riding this out, and reevaluate in the spring. I don't know if that was the right decision but I do think that if we took a hiatus that we'd lose our connection, maybe permanently.

The really positive thing that came out of this was that I feel like there was this crack in the door where he finally started telling me things. I am hoping that will help in the future if we get through this. I still have to look after myself in the meantime.
 
Vicki82 said:
I guess I just don't understand dealing with depression in that manner. Pretty much everything I've read or been told says to try and pull the person away from withdrawing, that withdrawing makes it worse. Certainly when I was suffering from depression, leaving me alone left me with my bad thoughts spiraling worse and worse.
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In my experience there are many reasons why a person with depression would withdraw from people (particular people or all of them), and not all of them are negative.
  • Not having the extra energy to play-pretend whatever public persona you have. Not having the extra energy to hide depressed feelings.
  • Needing more alone time to deal with whatever internal conflict there is.
  • Not wanting to bother anyone with your edginess. (Can be problematic.)
  • Avoiding people who can't deal with your feelings and will add to your load by well-meaning but unhelpful advice. Or who helped create your trigger points and unmistakably hit one (hi mom).
  • Relationships, or usual ways of entertainment, just not seeming very relevant in comparison to what you're going through.
  • Sometimes you just need to cry alone to get through. With some types of depression, if you allow yourself to hit the emotional rock bottom, you get through faster than if you resist and try to "hold yourself together".
Withdrawal is a common pattern and I'd argue that to some degree it's necessary. But often it's also an unhealthy defence driven by shame.

We can't tell from far away what exactly is going on for your boyfriend.

In my experience with depression, it's good to have a safe person around who can accept whatever is going on as 'real' and encourage expressions of sadness (desperation, numbness, doubt...) instead of trying to talk me out of it. Anyone else isn't helping. (That is, unless they get me food.)
It's also sometimes good to go out with friends just for distraction - but it has to be my decision. Often distractions also make things worse.
What is helping the most in the long term is getting in touch with myself - feeling, desires, spontaneity, boundaries. I didn't always have that.
But I don't have seasonal depression. Could be different for other people.
 
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My sister has seasonal depression. For her, there is a direct correlation between sunlight/weather and her depression. She withdraws every winter. She also has some pretty rough stuff from her childhood that she hasn't dealt with which exacerbates the problem. We know she will withdraw during the winter but be back in the spring. It's not how I'd deal with it, but I respect her choice to handle it this way.

Of course it would be different if it were a partner. My ex husband wouldn't seek help for his depression. It's one of many reasons we're no longer together.
 
It really depends on the situation for me. Sometimes I like to withdraw and I recharge myself fairly quickly. Sometimes I need help but am afraid to ask for it. I may withdraw but I'll respond well to someone being there. There's not a whole lot of rhyme or reason to it. Therapy is not the answer for me because it feels so phony (to me). Drugs are certainly not the answer for me because I already feel numb at those times. I find the best thing for me is to ride it out. This holiday season was particularly rough, but I lucked out. My mom went out of town so I didn't have to deal with anything. Now I'm pretty much back to normal.

I guess I'm just saying be there if he needs you and know that it has nothing to do with you. It makes us feel bad to push people away but we can't help it.
 
vinsanity0 said:
It really depends on the situation for me. Sometimes I like to withdraw and I recharge myself fairly quickly. Sometimes I need help but am afraid to ask for it. I may withdraw but I'll respond well to someone being there. There's not a whole lot of rhyme or reason to it. Therapy is not the answer for me because it feels so phony (to me). Drugs are certainly not the answer for me because I already feel numb at those times. I find the best thing for me is to ride it out. This holiday season was particularly rough, but I lucked out. My mom went out of town so I didn't have to deal with anything. Now I'm pretty much back to normal.

I guess I'm just saying be there if he needs you and know that it has nothing to do with you. It makes us feel bad to push people away but we can't help it.
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Vin, anti-depressants do no make one feel more numb. I have had the opposite experience with Zoloft. It gave me more energy, to rise above my depression, leave the bed, be active, and be more motivated to get to a therapist and work on my issues.

I only had a situational depression, so I was only on the meds for a year. But my partner Pixi has chronic anxiety/depression and meds have definitely helped her be much more stable, energetic, in the present, self-forgiving and productive. She also did talk therapy for 7 years straight.
 
Magdlyn said:
Vin, anti-depressants do no make one feel more numb. I have had the opposite experience with Zoloft. It gave me more energy, to rise above my depression, leave the bed, be active, and be more motivated to get to a therapist and work on my issues.

I only had a situational depression, so I was only on the meds for a year. But my partner Pixi has chronic anxiety/depression and meds have definitely helped her be much more stable, energetic, in the present, self-forgiving and productive. She also did talk therapy for 7 years straight.
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I agree.
I decided against taking medication because SSRI gave me horrible side effects and the mood stabilizers I was on for a while ... let's say they worked somewhat but not enough, so I decided I want to try alternative treatment options. But none of the antidepressants I took made me numb. It's possible I'll return to taking medication at some point in my life.

I'm also doing therapy for almost 10 years now and it helps with managing difficult situations, also I gained some invaluable self-awareness skills.
 
Antidepressants made me feel numb. I've tried celexa, prozac, and zoloft. I was put on prozac weekly for headaches, many years ago. I felt numb and blah. I attributed it to the fact that I wasn't depressed. Many years later I tried celexa and zoloft during my divorce when I was depressed and not sleeping. Same thing with both drugs. I stuck the zoloft out longer, thinking I needed to let my body adjust. It never did. I know they work for a number of people, but not for me. I have a friend who had similar results. I'm guessing it has to do with body chemistry and the fact that my depression was situational and not due to a chemical imbalance.

Therapy and EMDR helped a lot once I found the right therapist. Meditation and mindfulness helped, too. When I went through a period of depression after my mother's death, I skipped the antidepressants, used therapy (and read a lot). But, again, my depression has only ever been situational. I've seen medication work wonders for others.
 
PinkPig said:
Antidepressants made me feel numb. I've tried celexa, prozac, and zoloft. I was put on prozac weekly for headaches, many years ago. I felt numb and blah. I attributed it to the fact that I wasn't depressed. Many years later I tried celexa and zoloft during my divorce when I was depressed and not sleeping. Same thing with both drugs. I stuck the zoloft out longer, thinking I needed to let my body adjust. It never did. I know they work for a number of people, but not for me. I have a friend who had similar results. I'm guessing it has to do with body chemistry and the fact that my depression was situational and not due to a chemical imbalance.

Therapy and EMDR helped a lot once I found the right therapist. Meditation and mindfulness helped, too. When I went through a period of depression after my mother's death, I skipped the antidepressants, used therapy (and read a lot). But, again, my depression has only ever been situational. I've seen medication work wonders for others.
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It's true. Medicine will work differently for different people! And we will experience different "side effects." It can be a long term project to find the right cocktail. I was just lucky Zoloft worked for me (although it did reduce my sex drive, but since mine is super charged anyway, it didn't matter).

Not related to anti-depressants, but omg. A couple years ago, I was prescribed gabapentin for headaches caused by nerve damage in my neck. I had the most horrific and sad nightmares from that drug. Then I was prescribed Lyrica (a descendant of gabapentin) and all my bodily functions started to shut down! My eyesight, hearing, memory all started going... my teeth started to chip, my hair was falling out. I became unable to orgasm.

I went off it after 3 months, before I noticed it must have been causing me all these issues. My insurance changed and I lost my neurologist. So I was forced off it cold turkey. I was extremely lucky to get off it without even more horrific effects to my health. I later read about how some people get so sick trying to withdraw. There have been many lawsuits against the company and it's being prescribed less now. It's a poison that just shuts down your nervous system and can even cause psychosis of the most terrible kind.
 
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GalaGirl said:
I will not be around people who are not doing their patient management.
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I seem to attract men with depression issues and have had long term relationships with three of them. I have experienced the most dire outcome (suicide) and also the best outcome. GalaGirl's boundary/mantra/statement of purpose regarding others' depression is the only way to manage another's depression in a healthy way. Trying to get them help, get them food, get them to doctors, listen, "be there" - sorry, but all of that falls on fallow ground if the loved one is not already driving his/her own patient management bus. Offer to help once or twice, but you can't be constantly taking the initiative while keeping your emotional balance. If they aren't driving their own care plan, nothing healthy will be achieved long term. Being the person they depend on (or more likely, imagining that you are) is not the road to health for either partner. That's my experience.
 
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I guess I'm one of those people it affects differently. They made me feel detached from myself, like I was observing myself going through the motions of life with no real feeling. I didn't like it.

Kat went on Prozac for a time without telling me. Her behavior became erratic and it was very confusing to me. It also made her suicidal. Luckily we figured it out.
 
Henry and I have both taken meds for depression in the past. I'm no longer on them- mine was more of a situational depression while his is chronic.

Charles can't take this kind of meds, unfortunately.

He did text me this morning and thank me for not giving up on him, and said it helped that I was there. So I guess we'll see how it goes over the next couple of months. I can't and won't sacrifice my own emotional health, and I don't want to be his crutch. I don't mind being support, but I agree that he needs to be taking some positive steps on his own, whatever they are.
 
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