First sorry, English is not my first language.
Me and my partner are in a almost 10 years relationship (monagamous). It's a very close and meaningful relationship for both of us.
About 2 years ago she told me she felt in love with someone, and she wanted us to discuss the possibilty for her to be with that person (not instead of being with me). I was very angry and we didn't even really talked about it. So she gave up.
Now it happened once again, and she told me that this time she's not willing to give up (despite her love for me). So it's either I'll allow it, or we won't be able to stay together.
It's a very complicated situation for me, and I really don't know what to do. I'm a very jealous and insecure person.
I actually have a very specific request: can anyone here share an experience of someone who was extermly jealous/insecure/hurt/etc. and wasn't even willing to consider the option of polyamory - who actually learned to accept/embrace/love being in a polyamory relationship?
I heard a few stories of people who met when already one of them was polyamorous. But it's important to me to learn about situations where both people were monogamous for their entire life, they were in a very close monagamous relationship with eachother for years and even planned to spend the rest of their lives together.
Hi Daniel,
Some people really helped me out on here this week when I was desperate for help so your post caught my eye. I'm glad it did because I can speak to your specific request.
17 years ago my wife and I were monogamous and planned (still do) to spend the rest of our lives together. We met shortly after we each got divorced from our first marriages. We met online. We dated for a year and then got serious. Being our second marriage we chose to buck convention since it already bit us in the ass once through our divorces.
We were very adventurous together and over a few years we became swingers. We didn't play with other couples much but really liked the party vibe in the swinger lifestyle and the people were very fun.
Eventually we met a couple that we became good friends with. Things developed and we found ourselves playing sexually with that couple...but always together and always in a controlled and negotiated environment. We were monogamous and our marriage was sacred. Still is....but we are poly now (that's another long, un-related story)
Well, my wife and the other man clicked pretty hard and he set to convincing her that we could have a more emotional situation. It scared the crap out of me and I thought he was trying to steal my wife. We spent 9 years off and on visiting that couple (they lived across the country) and most of that time it was platonic. But inevitably every few years we would fall into playing again and the guy would suck her back into thinking about it being more emotional. He even gave her a copy of the Ethical Slut (a book about poly) which really scared me and forced me to make us pull back to being friends.
I battled jealousy over their connection that was so strong it nearly tore apart our marriage and damaged our friendship with that couple many times. Virtually ANY move that guy would make that I didn't like I would get very upset. Even though I was free to enjoy his wife, and my wife was telling me how much I meant to her and how much our marriage was first...it didn't matter.
My jealously controlled me, controlled our choices, controlled her choices, it controlled what we would do with that couple and when. I needed to have control over all of it to feel safe. If anything fell out of line I would get overwhelmed with jealousy and react. After I felt better I felt safer re-engaging until something else caused a reaction.
Eventually my wife got tired of me going through this cycle. It took about 11 years of being friends with this other couple. We had a LOT of fights, especially because my wife kept assuring me that I was her priority. It wasn't enough.
So one fall we just hit the wall. Something happened with my wife. Something clicked for her after some really difficult conversations with me. I noticed my wife talking to this other guy differently. She would take my side in conversations, she would put my needs first over her desires, she would accept my choices as her own and when we engaged that other couple I could tell that she and I were operating from the same place. She even started to get angry when this other guy started to push her into doing things that she knew I was unwilling to do. I found myself starting to even defend them and the situation began to occur very differently to me. I began to see that I had control, she had control and we were working TOGETHER.
Virtually overnight the jealousy vanished for me. I can't even really say how or why. I don't know what I said, or she said. There's no step by step process.
It has nothing to do with how much you love each other, either. It has to do with your compatibility in working through difficult social and emotional challenges and how committed you are to being with this person (your wife). What are you willing to put up with? How much hardship can you endure before you throw in the towel and go find someone else who want the kind of relationship you want?
I WANTED the kind of relationship I had, even with the swinging. I WANTED to work through my jealousy. I WASN'T WILLING to give up because I saw an opportunity to grow as a person by breaking the spell it had over me.
But it took two things. My wife and I both wanted the same thing, to live the life we wanted in a way where we managed the situation to deal with what is causing jealousy. AND My wife and I were both willing to do the hard work together to get through any challenges involved in that process.
If you do any reading on jealousy you will get a lot of things telling you that there is nothing wrong with jealousy, and you can never get rid of jealousy and they are RIGHT! Jealousy isn't something you will EVER get rid of, but you CAN live a life where it doesn't control you. Why? Because jealousy is like an emotional cocktail. It arises when all the emotional ingredients combine - and it's different for everyone.
If you want to get rid of jealousy you have to understand the INGREDIENTS of your brand of jealousy. What are the emotions you are having the combine to create this jealousy. There are unspoken and unmet needs. If you can get jealousy broken down to the root emotions and the needs they are pointing to, then you can get those needs met and POOF jealousy doesn't take you over. You may still feel it time to time...but you know that it's just a sign you need to look deeper.
The bad news is it can destroy your relationship getting to a place where you master jealousy. Maybe even several relationships.
The good news is that once you do understand how your emotions come together to create jealousy, you will NEVER wrestle with it again IF you remain self aware and have a desire to work through your emotions AND a partner that is willing to work as much with you as you are with them.
It also helps TREMENDOUSLY if you and your partner both WANT the same things out of life. That provides a huge incentive in working through jealousy. I can tell you now that if I had to work through it just because my PARTNER wanted to be poly, I don't know if I would've survived that. Doesn't mean you can't...just means you have to keep focused on what's in it for you to work toward that end goal because it WILL BE HARD!!!
So you have to ask yourself and your partner - are you up for the risks and the challenges ahead? What's in it for each of you? What unifies you toward this goal? Is this a lifestyle change or just satisfying an urge or curiosity? Are you willing to risk everything to go down this road?
